Archive for the 'Awesome' Category

Oh, Hello Miss

September 21st, 2008 at 11:45 pm

I find my self continually wondering if I’ll ever stop being amazed by Lady Luck. When I’m 50 or 60, will I still find myself stunned by her sudden appearance? A large part of me hopes the answer is “hell no.”

After being turned down for countless jobs, learning far too much bad news, and being stricken by what medical professionals can only describe as Bubonic Plague, Ms. Luck decided to part the dark clouds of gloom and smile down upon me.

Last week, the November edition of ShopSmart magazine hit newsstands (yeah, I know November is two months away) and Hey, It’s Free was surprisingly mentioned as one of it’s top seven money saving sites on the Internet. (page 34!) For those of you who don’t keep up to date with the Freebie World, this is akin to an athlete being profiled in Sports Illustrated. The only way this could have been better is had they done a full page spread on HIF.

Words can’t express the amount of pride and validation that has bubbled up within me thanks to this surprise of surprises. My first national print mention! I’ve sunk more blood, sweat, and tears into that site than any other project in my life – including most relationships. At the very least, the bump in ad revenue and countless local news mentions was a lovely bonus.

And yet on the grand scale of awesome news learned during the month of September, that ranks a distant second. You might be wondering what possibly could top such a wondrous occasions? Did the Seattle Mariners offer me a job? Did Barack Obama ask me to join his foreign policy team? Even better.

Try finding out that I’m back on my mom’s free airline passes. For a year. Minimum.

Let that sink in for a moment.

I CAN FLY FOR FREE TO PRACTICALLY ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD FOR ANOTHER YEAR!

I really don’t know how to put this to people. I’m a traveler at heart. I’ve spent the last three years of my life helping out my family and there’s no better thing in this world that I could be doing. But I can’t wait to get back out there on the open road. I’m at my best when I’m moving with the tide, flowing from here to there with no regard for the unforeseen.

World, here I come. But first I need to hit up New York. And Spartanburg. And Louisville. And Orlando. There are a few people I need to visit.

Well worth the wait

June 20th, 2008 at 10:51 am

There’s more than one village idiot

June 13th, 2008 at 11:32 am

Wow, I made it on Valleywag. For my ground breaking coverage of Facebook.com? For an insider scoop on a yet unveiled and revolutionary piece of technology?

Nope, for making fun of idiots on Facebook Talk.

I think it’s official, I need to update my resume to reflect my superior verbal bitchslapping skill.

I also need to clear up this whole Ryan Shyzer thing too. It’s the last thing on my massive list of cleaning up all my websites.

Free Post Films

April 8th, 2008 at 12:00 pm

Two follow-up videos to the one I posted yesterday. They’re done by the same guys and even better if that’s possible.

I’ve always loved stop motion videos. The only problem is 90% of the ones you find are beyond crap because the creators were too busy to take enough photos to make the video look realistic. You can’t have a stop motion chase scene with ten freaking photos, people!

I am Mister Goob Shyzer

March 18th, 2008 at 01:01 pm

I just got a phone call from a Nigerian prince asking to confirm my bank account information in order to facilitate moving some secret funds across the globe. Or as he put it, “Hello honorable Mr. Goob Shyzer, thank and bless you for aiding my struggle in moving the millions of dollars to your account.”

I shit you not. He called me Mister. Goob. Shyzer.

The conversation didn’t last long, as he didn’t appreciate the fact that I wouldn’t give him my correct info after telling him the info he had for me was incorrect. Apparently I was “struggling a old man who is dying and it’s not nice or kind.” Darn it, I hate to “struggle” senior citizens. It’s always hard to look yourself in the mirror after doing so.

I’m assuming he simply pulled my info from one of my domain WhoIs listings, which have my cell phone number and last name as Shyzer. I’m not sure if he sincerely believed my name was Goob Shyzer, but it took everything in me not to burst out laughing when I heard it come out of his mouth. If you’ve never heard a scammer call you by such a name with the seriousness of a doctor telling you a loved one has just died, then you haven’t lived.

I really hope he passes my number around to his buddies and I start getting more phone calls, because this could easily become my biggest source of entertainment.

The Internet still rocks

March 3rd, 2008 at 02:12 pm

Update 1: As much as I loath linking to a Fox News story, they’re thankfully reporting that the Marines are not only aware of the video, but are investigating. In years past, reaching this step alone would have taken days, if not weeks, of organized letter and phone protests. Now? The Internet plows it’s way to justice in a mere 24 hours. Rock on.

While drinking my daily dose of one barrel of coffee this morning, I was perusing digg for some interesting reading material when I came across a link that read “US Soldier throws puppy off cliff (video).” I clicked it thinking it would be some humorous play on words or satirical video and…oh, oh…no. It’s a clip of some scumbag, named David Motari, launching a puppy off a cliff.

I’m not even going to link to the video from here, just trust me that you don’t want to see it. I sure wish I hadn’t. However, the video’s not why the Internet still rocks. What I love about this global mess of nothingness we’ve created is how everybody has reacted to said indefensible video! Within 12 hours, people on digg have found the guy’s myspace page, his wife’s page, their home phone number & address, his bebo page, copies of his marriage license, and more. They’ve started letter campaigns to his Senator and Representative, have secured copies of the video and stashed them all across the web for proof, (since he is now franctically trying to take it down), and contacted just about anybody with a higher rank than his.

It would suck if the video was instead some horribly twisted joke with computer animation and whatnot. But let this be a lesson – if you piss off nerds on the Internet, they not only won’t care if the infractions were legitimate or not, but they’ll make your life a bitch and a half. Vigilante justice for the win!

Even Mother Nature Hated Nazis

February 10th, 2008 at 11:59 pm

When most people think of Poland’s contribution to the resistance against the Nazi, they usually recall the Germans kicking a bunch of Polish ass to start the war and that’s it. They might even vaguely recount tales of Polish cavalry gallantly being slaughtered against German tanks or how the entire Polish air force was destroyed on the first day then smile like an idiot. Hooray American education system! (Psst, it was Polish cryptographers who broke the German Enigma ciphers.)

I don’t get much quality time with you and your computer screen, therefore I can’t re-teach all of History to you. No, I must focus on only the greatest parts that you may have missed. Scratch that. I’m talking about the most awesome, existence-shattering, mind-blowing, not quite sure if you’ll be able to scoop your jaw off the floor types stories out there.

Enter Voytek.

Honour Sought for ‘Soldier Bear’

A campaign has been launched to build a permanent memorial to a bear which spent much of its life in Scotland – after fighting in World War II. The bear – named Voytek – was adopted in the Middle East by Polish troops in 1943, becoming much more than a mascot. The large animal even helped their armed forces to carry ammunition at the Battle of Monte Cassino.

Voytek – known as the Soldier Bear – later lived near Hutton in the Borders and ended his days at Edinburgh Zoo. He was found wandering in the hills of Iran by Polish soldiers in 1943. They adopted him and as he grew he was trained to carry heavy mortar rounds. When Polish forces were deployed to Europe the only way to take the bear with them was to “enlist” him. So he was given a name, rank and number and took part in the Italian campaign. He saw action at Monte Cassino before being billeted – along with about 3,000 other Polish troops – at the army camp in the Scottish Borders. The soldiers who were stationed with him say that he was easy to get along with.

“He was just like a dog – nobody was scared of him,” said Polish veteran Augustyn Karolewski, who still lives near the site of the camp. “He liked a cigarette, he liked a bottle of beer – he drank a bottle of beer like any man.”

When the troops were demobilised, Voytek spent his last days at Edinburgh Zoo. Mr Karolewski went back to see him on a couple of occasions and found he still responded to the Polish language.

“I went to Edinburgh Zoo once or twice when Voytek was there,” he said. “And as soon as I mentioned his name he would sit on his backside and shake his head wanting a cigarette. It wasn’t easy to throw a cigarette to him – all the attempts I made until he eventually got one.”

Voytek was a major attraction at the zoo until his death in 1963. Eyemouth High School teacher Garry Paulin is now writing a new book, telling the bear’s remarkable story.

‘Totally amazing’

Local campaigner Aileen Orr would like to see a memorial created at Holyrood to the bear she says was part of both the community and the area’s history. She first heard about Voytek as a child from her grandfather, who served with the King’s Own Scottish Borderers.

“I thought he had made it up to be quite honest but it was only when I got married and came here that I knew in fact he was here, Voytek was here,” she said. “When I heard from the community that so few people knew about him I began to actually research the facts. It is just amazing, the story is totally amazing.”

Holy. Christ.

So a group of Polish soldiers, after recuperating from their captivity in Russia, finds an Iranian bear and takes it with them through Iraq, Jordan, Lebanon, and Italy to help them kill German Nazis before finally letting the bear live out his days in a Scottish zoo.

And people say History is boring.

But the story doesn’t just end at “OMG! A crazy bear killed Germans!” Oh no, there’s an even more in depth story about Voytek and his crazy-ass owners, which has some tidbits about this seemingly mythical beast that frankly I wish I had been able to make up myself.

During the most crucial phase of the battle, when pockets of men were cut off on the mountainside desperately in need of supplies, Voytek, who all this time had been watching his comrades frantically loading heavy boxes of ammunition, came over to the trucks, stood on his hind legs in front of the supervising officer and stretched out his paws toward him. It was as if he was saying: “I can do this. Let me help you”. The officer handed the animal the heavy box and watched in wonder as Voytek loaded it effortlessly onto the truck.

Backwards and forwards he continued, time and time again, carrying heavy shells, artillery boxes and food sacks from truck to truck, from one waiting man to another, effortlessly. The deafening noise of the explosions and gunfire did not seem to worry him. Each artillery box held four 23 lbs live shells; some even weighed more than a hundred. He never dropped a single one. And still he went on repeatedly, all day and every day until the monastery was finally taken.

Although he was world-famous, the bear of Monte Cassino was forced to spent his last years behind bars in Edinburgh’s Zoological gardens. Artists came to sketch him and sculptors to make statues of him. Sometimes his old army friends arrived to visit him, leaping over the barriers to wrestle and play with him in the bear enclosure (to the utter horror of all the visitors and zoo officials).

The farthest I’ve gotten my dogs to helping me in a real battle is when they’ll lick Colton’s face as I hold him down and tickle him for hours on end.

Oh screw it, there’s not a single thing I could write that would make this story any more awesome or entertaining, so I’ll just stop trying. I should be referencing Stephen Colbert or the hilarity of men having enough confidence to get a wild bear drunk in their midst, yet I’m still stuck on the fact that A FUCKING BEAR HELPED BEAT THE NAZIS. Eat it, Hitler.

Things I Learned In South America

September 18th, 2007 at 10:38 pm
  • Chilean people will give you the shirt off their back if you ask for it.
  • It’s fun to double cross the evil taxi drivers at the airport who try to charge three times what a ride into downtown Santiago should cost.
  • Drivers in Chile need all the help they can get when it comes to parallel parking.
  • I have 15 minutes to move my cube.
  • Jogte is delicious. You need to watch out for “game overs” though.
  • Most South American meals involve a minimum of 5 pounds of beef, including breakfast, which leads to…
  • The medical mystery as to why the people down here aren’t all lining up for heart transplants by age 10.
  • Santiago has a little smog problem.
  • If you ever need to get to the Black Cate cafe in Buenos Aires, don’t let me navigate. I can find Evita’s tomb, however, with my eyes closed.
  • Que?
  • The fact that the Rugby World Cup isn’t on TV here in the states is almost criminal.
  • Together, Chong and I are utter failures at reading soccer schedules and buying drugs without prescriptions.
  • Oh, here it is!
  • If you enjoy watching the same three commercials over and over again on a loop, then you really need to watch some TV down here.
  • Julio is not a house DJ, despite how cool he might be otherwise. His girlfriend, though, will take care of your drunk ass, help you get on the right buses, get into clubs, and buy more much needed booze.
  • If some guy keeps following you and offering to sell you some drugs, just ask for heroin.
  • One of the best jobs to have in South America is to own a cafe. All you do is stand around and talk on the phone. A close runner up would be a spray painting street performer.
  • Don’t mess with anybody else’s pile of garbage.
  • Five thousand dollars for a lunch meal! Damn, these people are rich as hell!
  • If you order any juice, you might as well be ordering an IV of diabetes.
  • Aqua con gas is very refreshing. I don’t know how we live without it up here.
  • Upon a successful landing at Santiago’s airport, it’s entirely appropriate for all the passengers to burst into applause as a thank you to the pilots for not slamming us into the Andes.
  • Beware the ladies!
  • Seriously. Gas Water. It’s awesome. If you buy a bottle, just chug the whole thing and thank me later.
  • When being heckled by a Spanish-speaking street performer, just say you’re Canadian and he’ll leave you alone.
  • $5 USD buys you a slice of pizza, two empanadas, a liter of beer, and a cafe con leche down here. Back home, I’m pretty sure that doesn’t even buy a gallon of milk.
  • It’s cool if animals just roam around the zoo free at will.
  • salud, conche tu madre!
  • It’s easy to see how an earthquake down here would literally rape half of their cities.
  • Make sure there aren’t any strategically placed mirrors in the public bathrooms before you start peeing.
  • My Spanish is on the same level as a retarded 2-year old African monkey.
  • University campuses down here have an ambiance on par with a morgue.
  • Now that Bob Barker has some free time, he needs to come down to Chile and remind people to have their dogs spayed and neutered.
  • The National Wildlife Reserve is Buenos Aires needs another entrance/exit.
  • If you ever travel anywhere and enjoy shitty maps, horrible restaurant suggestions, and the urge to kill, then pick up a travel guide written by Frommer’s!
  • Sometimes a nigga’s gotta race!
  • Chilean wineries can’t hide from our keen sense of navigation.
  • “You guys don’t speak Spanish? That must be hard…” – yeah, thanks bitch. We certainly got by!
  • And finally, it’s kinda embarrassing when you get cut off at the bar in a South American horse track bar. Just take my word on it.

All in all, a hell of a time :)

American Ingenuity: A 535 ft. Slip ‘n Slide

August 17th, 2007 at 11:05 am

You can’t get more American than this. Only a guy from the south would sit on his back porch with some friends, have a few beers, then decide to borrow a bulldozer and spend 72 hours and three thousand bucks constructing a giant slip ‘n slide. Additional info about the Jesus Slide and how they built it can be found throughout the thread. But here are some more pictures to tide you over.

Hey Favre and Ichiro, make room. This guy is joining you in the Goob Parthenon of Awesomeness.

CBS one ups God, rebuilds Jericho

June 10th, 2007 at 03:29 am

Yeah, so Jericho’s back. Officially. They’ve got it slated as a seven or eight episode mid-season replacement, but if the initial Fall schedule goes poorly, it could be back as soon as October. If the ratings are good, CBS has promised to pick it up for a full season and yet if the ratings are bad, the show’s main writer has said they’ll be able to wrap it up and end it instead of leaving us with yet another unbearable cliffhanger.

But this post isn’t meant to bask in the glow of the awesomeness that is the Internet grassroots campaign that saved one of my favorite shows. No, wait…yeah. Yeah, it is. But because I love you, I’ll just keep this short and funny. So, you can either click the more link below or go directly to the source in order to read two of the best “could have happened” conversations ever.

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