Ever since I opened the doors here at Shyzer and stupidly placed a direct link to my e-mail in the comments, I’ve gotten some colorful messages to say the least. From angry parents to pissed off Christians to even a death threat or two. But the following fellow takes the cake for “Creepiest Internet Fan” by far:
my English is’nt very well – but I want to write you this mail.
I found your homepage with the photo gallery of you.
The pics of your headshave are great. Your decide for the bald was certainly not easy – but it was a good decide. Your bald ist very beautiful and your face effected with it better.
My greatest hobby is the collecting of signed autograph cards and photos of nice people.
I would be therefore very happy if you could send me handwritten pictures of you (I know my wish is a little bit crazy).
I would be therefore very happy if you could fulfill my wishes. Many thanks in advance for your kindness.
Best wishes and regards send you
Sweet! I made a good decide! And my face effected it better!
I got that back in May of ’05 or so. I honestly didn’t know what to do besides laugh my ass off for a few minutes, so that’s exactly what I did. I was in the computer lab back in Newcastle and I honestly slumped out of my chair laughing so hard. Finally! It had taken 2 1/2 years, but I had my own Internet Creep! Once I finally regained my composure, I forwarded it to a few people, laughed some more, and promptly forgot all about it. Fast forward to three weeks ago:
My wish is very large,
The space is rather small,
But Merry Marry Christmas,
Happy New Year fells it all!
The best wishes send you from Northern Germany
I would be therfore very happy if you could send me handwritten photos you – you are a very beautiful man – I’m enthused of you!
My greatest hobby is the collecting of autographs from beautiful people with a great aura.
I would be therefore very happy if you could fullfill my christmas-wish – a signed photo of you. Thanks in advance for your kindness!
And he’s back! And he’s enthused of me!
But this time, he not only included his home address in the e-mail, but two awesome webpages. Look at those amazing sites, complete with strobing images, animated gifs, and text I sure as hell can’t read! But the real treasures lie in the pictures. There’s so many random pictures on them that are unintentionally hilarious, that I’m pretty sure they’re illegal in most states. But that’s what I’m here for, to make sure y’all have something to occupy yourselves with while wasting company time!
Some might think I’m being mean, but to that I respond with A) You certainly don’t know me well if you think this is mean and B) I’m not a huge fan of identity theft. If that’s your cup of tea, by all means go for it, but me? I kinda enjoy there only being one Goob out there who can withdraw money from my checking account or buy loads of Internet porn with my credit card…um…wait…I mean donate loads of money to Columbian orphans and cute puppies. The last thing I want to do is send some guy my signature so that he can “decide” to write a few checks as Ryan Shyzer. Well, he wouldn’t get real far with that since Shyzer isn’t my last name, but you get the picture.
So Michael, best wishes to you and your quest of collecting the signatures of nice, beautiful men with great auras. As you can see, I am a beautiful man with a great aura.
But I’m sure as hell not nice.