Could this be any more confusing?

Well, I totally scraped the first version of this post because I was so emotionally wrecked when I wrote it that the final product was just a collection of garbled thoughts that made absolutely no sense. At least now I only have misty eyes and can actually see what I’m writing. But before I start this, I have to get one thing out of the way. A lady in a wheelchair just rolled by as she went towards her flights. She was wearing an eye patch. The moment I saw it, I let out a fairly loud “ARRRRG!” Thanks heaps Australia – You now have me making fun of the disabled. Kudos.

See that paragraph above? It was written over 36 hours ago. I just couldn’t go on at the time. It’s funny how that gap represents over 36 hours of emotions and thoughts for me, yet all you see is a few pixels of blank space. It’s been almost 48 hours since my tearful departure from Sydney. I’m now in Minnesota, sitting exhausted in bed, but I can’t sleep. It’s sometime after midnight or 0100…hell if I know. My watch is still set on Newcastle time and I don’t have the heart to change it. I wonder how long it’ll take to do that. I can tell you from looking at my watch, however, that it’s 1400 in the afternoon back home…well, I should say back in Australia. I keep looking at my watch and trying to picture what I’d be doing back there at whatever time it is. Right now I’d probably be standing in the Riddle Tunnel, wracking my brain to solve who killed Mr. Tidy (I still haven’t figured it out!), or I’d be in Hannah/Keeley’s room singing some random song, or looking to see where a certain someone was…And now, that’s all gone. I know I’ll go back, even soon if possible, but will it be the same? We all won’t be living in TEDS anymore, at least I know I won’t be able to. I’ll have to work, people will be spread out across Newcastle if not the rest of Australia, and others won’t be friends with each other anymore and some will be in relationships that take up all their time. I just afraid I’ll be like that guy who refuses to “grow up” and keeps trying to hold onto things, although that’s nothing like who I really am.

I hugged my brother today for the first time in four and a half months and it felt amazing. I hadn’t realized how much I’d actually missed him and the rest of my family. But you know what? I’d get back on a plane tomorrow and head back to Australia for another year or two or even for an indefinite period of time if I had the opportunity. And I wouldn’t even take more than 10 seconds to think and then agree to go back. Does that make me a bad person? Why am I having trouble letting go to friends I’ve only known for a few months than family I’ve known all my life?

I think part of it has to do with the fact that I don’t truly like any place here in America. Before I left, I was pretty sure I disliked South Carolina, but now I wholeheartedly hate South Carolina with a passion. In fact, I’m dreading returning there even for just a few weeks. If there was some way I could see all my friends and family without actually having to go to that fucking state, I’d do it. I just can’t go back to living in SC. I can’t. Virginia isn’t that much better, but it’s better than SC. Plus, my family is there and it’s my only option for free rent so that I can work 50 hours a week and save money non-stop for a few months in hopes that I can somehow make my way back to Australia.

And here we go, round and round this vicious circle again. I only want to be in America long enough to save money for six or eight months to go back to Australia. But I don’t want to go back to Australia and expect things to be the way they were, because I know they won’t be. But I want to go back to Australia so badly, it’s not even funny.

My aunt asked me what it is that I’m so attached to in Australia and I’m still having trouble trying to put it into words. Before I left last February, I always felt out of place here. Sure, I loved my life and I still do, no questions asked. I loved my family more than anything else, I had some of the best friends in the world (as Fellner has shown everybody on Shyzer day in and day out), and I was living life the way I wanted to. Yet, even with all that, I felt out of place. It didn’t feel natural.

Australia felt natural. It felt like home even without any family or lifelong friends being nearby. And yes, I’m talking about the people and the everyday lifestyle, not the partying I did at the end of the semester or the laziness I was able to enjoy. I can do without those anywhere if I have to since I do understand that I have to “grow up” and all…I’d just rather do without them in Australia =) The thought of getting a house with some of my mates in Australia and finding a job sounds amazing and more appealing than any scenario I can come up with that would involve me staying in America.

I don’t think either group is going to understand completely what I’m going through though. All I can say is this. People are different in Australia than they are in America. Life is different. Attitudes are different. Australians see life through a different shade, live life on a different wavelength. I can’t describe it any better and that’s killing me because usually I can at least translate my emotions and thoughts better than “this is how I feel, just trust me about it.” But I can assure you it’s true and as much as I hate to say it, I prefer the Australian way of life over the American any day. And I’d choose that way of life over my family and friends in a heart beat. Does this make me a bad person? Does this make me cold hearted in some way? And I’m not glorifying Australia, am I? I truly don’t think I am, but I worry that I am, which makes me think that I might be. GOD DAMN IT! ALL THIS RATIONALIZING AND ANALYZING IS TEARING ME APART……..

I’m sincerely sorry. I said I deleted the first version of this post because it was just a collection of random thoughts running through my head. Looks like this post was no different in the end. I guess I’m not in any frame of mind right now to be compiling a worthwhile Shyzer post. I’ll be back with something new in a day or two. In the meantime, I’m going to stay busy here with my family and try to give my brain and heart a rest from all this strain. They deserve it. Or maybe I just need it so I don’t suffer a nervous break down. Either way.

But first I’m gonna flip through the Aussie Scrapbook Hannah and Keeley gave me for the 9,000th time…

8 replies on “Could this be any more confusing?”

  1. Hey Goob, how was your trip back? Im getting the impression that you really loved Australia from that post? Member early off in the year, when you used to joke around with me saying how America dominates over Australia? Well my my my haven’t times changed. Australia is the best country, I think were more laid back then Americans, are we? Just got back from a night on the town. Australia misses you heaps as well. Oh and with that scrap book, i got some of the photos blown up, cause member you were gunna scan them, because i couldn’t, lol. Well i hope to see ya again, it feels so weird without you here! Love Memma

  2. Goob, I know you’re being innundated with all these emotional messages from your Aussie friends and how much they miss you (have you noticed house.gov has appeared MUCH more frequently these past few months?), and all you feel like doing right now is making Australia look like its heaps better than SC. But I just wanted you to know that we got to know you long before they did, and I don’t know but I think that somehow means that we missed you that much more than they ever could. I know you don’t want to come back, but if you look at it the other way, your family and I have been counting the days until you return to being American Goob and getting the time to spend with us. Can’t wait, man, just can’t wait. (oh, and you have to have the rest of your stuff out of our apartment by August 1, you bastard, yet another reason you must return to SC)

  3. You come back when O’Connor resigns.. and when Rehnquist in on the verge of it.. Go back to Australia!!!!! lol
    I don’t blame you. I’m sure if I’d had an awesome time overseas I’d not be looking forward to coming home either. But like Fellner said, you have loads of family and friends waiting to see you again! Give ’em a bit of a visit before heading back 😉

  4. Hey Goob – I am glad you’re back in the States safely. As bad as it sounds, I have to agree with Fellner on this one. I am so very glad you had an amazing time there though. I very often feel exactly what you feel when I return from my multiple trips to California. I leave my heart there every time I come home. But that’s what I do, I return home.

    I have been torn on where to live. I am in love with someone across the country, but is it worth leaving everything I’ve known in Maine and who I am here? Trust me, I think about it.

    I know California isn’t necessarily the best comparison to Australia but it’s the best I can come up with to relate to. Just don’t discount how much your lifelong friends and family have been missing you here. They were willing to let you go for a semester, but it is sad to hear you so anxious to leave again.

    In fact, I’ve got more to say so I’ll send you an email when I get back to work on Tuesday.
    Have a happy 4th of July!!

  5. hi, i am new to your site, just got introduced to your site from somewhere else.

    i am an international student studying in Canberra, the whole down south of sydney and north of melbourne, and i know i will feel the same as you when i do eventually leave next year. and mine was a long 3 years, going to be fourth next year.

    if you want to, and that’s really a lot of thinking on your part, have you ever considered applying to work here? get some experience first for at least 2-4 years, then see if any company needs you here. i am not sure what you’re studying as i haven’t read that far back but, yer, work things out with yourself and decide again.

    i came from singapore, and i have absoutlutely few loves about where i am from. tourists love it, but i ain’t a tourist. so i might migrate here. at any rate, good luck for your future endeavours… 🙂

  6. hey hun well sorry to hear about how sad you are there.. but it truly sounds as if you have found your home and where you are suppose to be and i have no doubts that you’ll make your way back there somehow… and even if it isn’t the same youll still love it there more than you do in SC…. Maybe it is a part of growing up… letting go of being attached to your family and finding your own way in life!?!
    hehe i dont mean to sound so ummmm serious.. anyways i hope things are too bad for you here and that youll be back in Austraila in no time..

    have a good week !

  7. ….
    I was going to write better than this, but I am far from eloquent with words.
    If anyone has ever seen big brother you would know how living with someone intensifies your relationship with them greatly.
    Even though I didn’t spend as much time as I should have with you goob, it brings me great sadness to see that door of yours fucking bare. I’m considering putting up a ‘Goob’ sign so I can live in denial a few more weeks.
    To Goob’s american counterparts; It’s not that he doesn’t miss you. The best explanation I can think of is when I moved to university from home. When I left I missed my parents, I missed home cooked meals, I missed the way my dad can misplace keys, drills, chairs and even lawnmowers. When I moved to uni it was a whole new experience! I met new people, saw new places and lived differently. I got very, very attached to these things; hence why I have been on holidays for nearly a week and not came back home. I spent some time working through my head why, and I realised something; my school friends all moved away, and my parents were on holidays. My only two motivations for going back to taree were gone.
    I understand your reasons for wanting to stay, and wanting to go. Both are valid. But…
    Goob I have to be the bad guy here; When I was living at home with my brothers and sister and parents still there I never appreciated it. I never thought; Yeah I fucking hate taree but I’m going to miss my family when I go. Instead I thought; GOD I CANT WAIT TO GET OUT OF THIS SHITHOLE.
    Just this year my dad stopped dying his hair, so he has a full flock of gray/white hair which I have never seen before in my life. It scared the crap outta me. It made me realise how much I took for granted back home. How I wasted the time I had, where I could see my parents everyday. I came to uni; I had more decent friends than I could count on one hand for the first time in my life; I could go out at a reasonable bar; I could drive to the shops in just a few minutes!
    I never stopped to realise how rare it would be from that moment on; to have the family in one place. Don’t take your family for granted goob, watch over the little gooblings and appreciate the family before they all grow into adults and move away with their own lives and careers. It happened much faster than I realised. Being the youngest in the family and being 19 I know it.
    Shit, I’ve lost my train of thought.
    Anyway, appreciate what you have at home goob; and take your newfound Aussie attitude with you 😉

    With much love,
    Casey (Computer nerd extroadinare)
    PS: I uninstalled Counterstrike from my computer and am aiming for no gaming next semester, it’s going to be tough!

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