Well, I totally scraped the first version of this post because I was so emotionally wrecked when I wrote it that the final product was just a collection of garbled thoughts that made absolutely no sense. At least now I only have misty eyes and can actually see what I’m writing. But before I start this, I have to get one thing out of the way. A lady in a wheelchair just rolled by as she went towards her flights. She was wearing an eye patch. The moment I saw it, I let out a fairly loud “ARRRRG!” Thanks heaps Australia – You now have me making fun of the disabled. Kudos.
See that paragraph above? It was written over 36 hours ago. I just couldn’t go on at the time. It’s funny how that gap represents over 36 hours of emotions and thoughts for me, yet all you see is a few pixels of blank space. It’s been almost 48 hours since my tearful departure from Sydney. I’m now in Minnesota, sitting exhausted in bed, but I can’t sleep. It’s sometime after midnight or 0100…hell if I know. My watch is still set on Newcastle time and I don’t have the heart to change it. I wonder how long it’ll take to do that. I can tell you from looking at my watch, however, that it’s 1400 in the afternoon back home…well, I should say back in Australia. I keep looking at my watch and trying to picture what I’d be doing back there at whatever time it is. Right now I’d probably be standing in the Riddle Tunnel, wracking my brain to solve who killed Mr. Tidy (I still haven’t figured it out!), or I’d be in Hannah/Keeley’s room singing some random song, or looking to see where a certain someone was…And now, that’s all gone. I know I’ll go back, even soon if possible, but will it be the same? We all won’t be living in TEDS anymore, at least I know I won’t be able to. I’ll have to work, people will be spread out across Newcastle if not the rest of Australia, and others won’t be friends with each other anymore and some will be in relationships that take up all their time. I just afraid I’ll be like that guy who refuses to “grow up” and keeps trying to hold onto things, although that’s nothing like who I really am.
I hugged my brother today for the first time in four and a half months and it felt amazing. I hadn’t realized how much I’d actually missed him and the rest of my family. But you know what? I’d get back on a plane tomorrow and head back to Australia for another year or two or even for an indefinite period of time if I had the opportunity. And I wouldn’t even take more than 10 seconds to think and then agree to go back. Does that make me a bad person? Why am I having trouble letting go to friends I’ve only known for a few months than family I’ve known all my life?
I think part of it has to do with the fact that I don’t truly like any place here in America. Before I left, I was pretty sure I disliked South Carolina, but now I wholeheartedly hate South Carolina with a passion. In fact, I’m dreading returning there even for just a few weeks. If there was some way I could see all my friends and family without actually having to go to that fucking state, I’d do it. I just can’t go back to living in SC. I can’t. Virginia isn’t that much better, but it’s better than SC. Plus, my family is there and it’s my only option for free rent so that I can work 50 hours a week and save money non-stop for a few months in hopes that I can somehow make my way back to Australia.
And here we go, round and round this vicious circle again. I only want to be in America long enough to save money for six or eight months to go back to Australia. But I don’t want to go back to Australia and expect things to be the way they were, because I know they won’t be. But I want to go back to Australia so badly, it’s not even funny.
My aunt asked me what it is that I’m so attached to in Australia and I’m still having trouble trying to put it into words. Before I left last February, I always felt out of place here. Sure, I loved my life and I still do, no questions asked. I loved my family more than anything else, I had some of the best friends in the world (as Fellner has shown everybody on Shyzer day in and day out), and I was living life the way I wanted to. Yet, even with all that, I felt out of place. It didn’t feel natural.
Australia felt natural. It felt like home even without any family or lifelong friends being nearby. And yes, I’m talking about the people and the everyday lifestyle, not the partying I did at the end of the semester or the laziness I was able to enjoy. I can do without those anywhere if I have to since I do understand that I have to “grow up” and all…I’d just rather do without them in Australia =) The thought of getting a house with some of my mates in Australia and finding a job sounds amazing and more appealing than any scenario I can come up with that would involve me staying in America.
I don’t think either group is going to understand completely what I’m going through though. All I can say is this. People are different in Australia than they are in America. Life is different. Attitudes are different. Australians see life through a different shade, live life on a different wavelength. I can’t describe it any better and that’s killing me because usually I can at least translate my emotions and thoughts better than “this is how I feel, just trust me about it.” But I can assure you it’s true and as much as I hate to say it, I prefer the Australian way of life over the American any day. And I’d choose that way of life over my family and friends in a heart beat. Does this make me a bad person? Does this make me cold hearted in some way? And I’m not glorifying Australia, am I? I truly don’t think I am, but I worry that I am, which makes me think that I might be. GOD DAMN IT! ALL THIS RATIONALIZING AND ANALYZING IS TEARING ME APART……..
I’m sincerely sorry. I said I deleted the first version of this post because it was just a collection of random thoughts running through my head. Looks like this post was no different in the end. I guess I’m not in any frame of mind right now to be compiling a worthwhile Shyzer post. I’ll be back with something new in a day or two. In the meantime, I’m going to stay busy here with my family and try to give my brain and heart a rest from all this strain. They deserve it. Or maybe I just need it so I don’t suffer a nervous break down. Either way.
But first I’m gonna flip through the Aussie Scrapbook Hannah and Keeley gave me for the 9,000th time…