In an attempt to help fund my quickly approaching study abroad session in Australia, I shifted my money-making gears into “dangerously drastic” mode. I looked at my income, savings, credit card bills, etc. and came to the following conclusion. I only have enough money to pay for my plane ticket, housing, meals, and tuition. I have no money for snacks, beer, presents, going out, or even “lady friends!” And since I won’t be able to work while living in Australia, I realized that my only hope was to sell just about anything I could in an attempt to make some cash. And that’s when I came up with the Goob Experience!
You might be asking yourself just exactly what in the heck the “Goob Experience” exactly is, so allow me to explain. As my good friend Fellner says, “It’s good to be Goob.” It’s so good, in fact, that I’m going to give one lucky winner the chance to be me. If you win this auction, you get the following items / events:*
(1) A guest authorship on Shyzer.com – That’s right folks. For the entire month of February, you will have full access to my website, Shyzer.com, and all its glory. I will let you post whatever you want, whenever you want, with no restrictions whatsoever. Pimp your own site, explain how “whitey” has kept you down, or even be completely unoriginal and recap your day each and every day with no real substance whatsoever!**
(2) My cell phone number and a personal call from me – Not only will you win my coveted “digits,” I’ll give YOU a call at some random time and strike up a conversation that I guarantee will last a minimum of 20 minutes. What happens if we run out of things to say around minute 5, you ask? 15 minutes of dead silence. You paid for it, you’re getting it! Plus, since you’ll have my number, you’ll be able to call me whenever you want! And I also promise not to change my number within a week of giving it to you or block your number. I’m not dirty like that.
(3) Pizza Breadsticks Recipe – This recipe is quite possibly the only recipe that I have ever learned from a cookbook. Everything else I know how to make comes from first hand teachings from mi madre y mi padre, but I still love this breadstick recipe. I make it every Wednesday around 8:00 just as LOST is coming on and devour the entire plate of breadsticks before it ends. It’s really easy to make, pretty cheap, and is guaranteed to fill you up.
(4) All my Happy Birthday wishes – My birthday is February 7th, which is quickly approaching. I thought about auctioning up my birthday presents themselves, but I’ve got everybody in my life trained not to get me anything, so that would be a pretty lousy thing to sell. So, instead, I’m selling all the Happy Birthday Wishes I get. What that means is that any IM, phone call, e-mail, or personal wish to have a happy birthday will be forwarded to you by the people who give them to me! Think about it, you’ll get TWO birthdays in 2005! All day long Monday, you’ll be getting phone calls and IMs to have a Happy Birthday and let’s be honest here, even if it isn’t your birthday, personal attention puts anybody in a good mood. And we all could use a little pick-me-up on any given Monday. Don’t worry about me, I’m still young, I won’t miss this birthday.
(5) My most favorite T-shirt in the entire world. – Let me warn you first off. It’s big, it’s old, and it’s a Seattle Mariners shirt. It has countless tiny holes all over it and I use it now as a “sitting around the apartment chillin” shirt. I honestly can’t even believe I’m selling it, but if you want a true Goob Experience, then you need some personal items from me.***
(6) Any page out of my journal – Since August of 1996, I’ve kept a journal. For the first year or two, I wrote in it once or twice a week. After that, I began to write in it and then later type and print them out every night. I’m talking every night folks. My journal now fills up an entire box and it’s still going strong. I’ve also never let anybody voluntarily read it. I know of a few people who have snuck a look here and there before I found out, but up until now, I’ve never let anybody read it. So, by winning this auction, you get to pick one date, ONE DATE, to read. Any date my friends. What about July 3, 2000? Or November 14, 1997? I have absolutely no Earthly idea what I wrote on either of those days, but you could soon find out! I must warn you though, there are some days where the only entry is “Nada.” This is for days where absolutely nothing of consequence happened. If you happen to pick a nada day, I will give you the chance to pick another date and this process will continue until you pick a date with something other than nada. Also, my journal tends to lack a certain level of emotion. It’s more of a tool I use to jog my memory instead of a tool used to record exactly everything that happens. Some “big” events will read as follows: “This happened, that happened, man I was pissed” or “this happened, that happened, yea!!” So don’t go expecting some huge revelations here. But regardless, you’ll be able to read any day you want.
(7) Monthly letters from Australia – Growing up, I always saw kids on TV and in movies with pen pals. Maybe my school was the only school in the nation that didn’t have a sister school in Peru, but I always felt gypped that I never had a pen pal growing up. Therefore, when I go to Australia, I want to have a pen pal here in America. So why not make it you! We’ll write each other every month and accompany each letter with photographs of ourselves playing with all the other children in the schoolyard. If you send me a dollar, I’ll send you a picture of the rice I used that dollar to buy and…..wait, this is sounding more like one of those “Adopt a Kid” type things. Okay, scratch the whole rice thing. But you can send me a dollar if you want. That’s what really cool pen pals do. Seriously, I saw it in a movie once. Send me a dollar!!!
(8) Crash course in baseball, more specifically, Seattle Mariners baseball – Well duh, anything based on me is going to have a Mariners section. With this, I will teach you everything you need to know to become an avid Seattle Mariners fan. I’ll tell you all about our glory days pre-1995. Then, once I’m finished with that sentence, I’ll tell a tale of a little team that could, that chugged up that mountain and saved baseball in Seattle. I’ll teach you all the important nicknames, I’ll teach you the proper three ways to call for a beer in any baseball stadium, and I’ll teach you just what in the heck an infield fly really is. By the time I’m through with you, you’ll be as huge a Mariners fan as I am.
(9) I’ll sit down and have a beer with ya or go toss a baseball around with ya – Okay, here’s the deal. When this auction ends, I guarantee that within one (1) year, I will meet you someplace and have a beer. I’ll come to your town, you’ll come to my town, or we’ll meet someplace in the middle. I’m stuck here in South Carolina until I leave for Aussie, but when I get back I’m doing some major traveling and so I’m certain we can come up with something.
(10) Make fun of all my friends – I will teach you how to properly make fun of somebody. Sadly, there are many people today who still don’t know how to properly make fun of somebody. So, in order to show you how, I’ll give you all my ammunition and let you have at it with my friends. In no time, you’ll be calling Fellner a “whoooore” and Waynus an “Oooooogreeeeeeee” like the pro that you should be. And you’ll have the Goob School of Making Fun-of to thank.
(11) Potpourri! – I figured I’d throw in some sort of Wildcard item or something, so I decided to leave it open and let the winner decide! Ask me a question, request an item, whatever you want!****
So there you have it folks, the full “Goob Experience.” Bidding starts at $1.00 and if I get anything over a dollar, I will be quite surprised. So surprise me dang it!
* = This is a serious auction. Do not bid on if you don’t honestly want the “Goob Experience.” I will not just send my favorite T-shirt in the world to some Joe Schmo who won’t care for it the way I do!
** = Note, if you do this, I may hunt you down and make you pay. Shyzer shall not be demeaned like that!
*** = Shipping for the shirt will be $2.00. E-bay demands that you actually sell some sort of “goods,” so I’ve gotta throw the shirt and shipping in there somewhere!
**** = By whatever you want I mean whatever I feel like doing.