I release you
I set you free
I set me free
I let you be
I let me be”
Love Mantra for Letting Go
Last summer, my mom handed me a small business card with that passage written on the back of it. I was going through a rough period in my life and she was just trying to help in any motherly way possible. I stuck it in my wallet, where it slowly faded into an illegible, crumpling piece of paper, but recently I’ve committed it to memory since I’ve needed something to help me move on.
We had plenty of similarities and common grounds, but we couldn’t have been more different. Our relationship was plagued by communication, or lack thereof. We never really discovered how to talk to each other. Even after 5 years of being around each other, we spoke in code. It was the only way we knew how to say what we wanted to say. We spoke at each other, not to each other. So it’s no surprise to see how we gradually fell apart, how she was unable to tell me why she wanted to go in another direction, and how I didn’t understand why she was going that way. It’s clear to me now, as I’m sure it is to her, why we broke up, but at this stage, it’s a moot point.
She’s now moved forward and found somebody else who makes her truly happy. Is it weird seeing her gush over another guy? I’d be lying if I only said “a little.” Does it make me remember what we used to have? In vivid detail. Was it hard seeing her block me out? Excruciating. But even after all of this, how do I feel?
Back in early November, I wrote about an Epiphany that I experienced. (okay, so I didn’t actually elaborate on it – but trust me, it was huge for me). Jess and I had finally agreed that we wanted each other to be happy, that we no longer really knew each other, and that we should move on. The following day, I experienced some things that were quite divine. Below is an excerpt from an IM conversation that I had trying to sum up what it felt like.
All of the hate, anger, uncertainty – all of it – it just vanished. Each and every ounce of it was replaced with this feeling of peace and calmness, the feeling that I’ve known all along is what I was going for, but never understood how to obtain it. It feels amazing. Everything that used to make me angry no longer does. Nothing stirs that rage inside of me anymore and I’ve sat here and tried.
I’ve yet to waiver in my belief that what I went though was supernatural, but as with everything else in life, the passage of time seemed to slowly erode the memories and feelings of that afternoon.
The past few weeks have been especially rough for me. March 31st was exceptionally odd, as were the few nights leading up to and after it. It would have been our 4-year anniversary and it just felt weird seeing the turn of events that had taken place instead. I had quite a few events and surprises planned for that week, but it quickly became obvious that they couldn’t happen and I was left trying to figure out what in the world had just occurred.
As I desperately tried to recreate what I’d been through in the past year or so to a friend, the first thing out of his mouth was “Why aren’t you angry? If I were you, I’d be pissed. I’d also go find me another girl to get my mind off her.” Which brings me to my inherent flaw – er, quality if you must. I’m not like most people. Yeah, yeah, everybody says that so much that the phrase carries with it no significance anymore. But it’s true. Ask anybody who knows me. I can’t run to another person to try and fill that void. I have to move on, be patient, and slowly over the years build back up what I had. So while the statement about getting another girl might not have applied to me, the one about anger most certainly did…or at least, it used to. Before, I would have collected all the emotions I had, converted them into anger, and struck back. It’s what I did whenever I got pissed with anybody. I did what I could to make them go through the hell I’d just gone through and when I felt we were even, I’d drop all the anger and move on.
So what was the point in reminding you about a post that I made last November? Well, like I said, I know that had the past few weeks happened before my said Epiphany, I would have done some things that I would have later regretted. I would have let my emotions take over and get the best of me while trying to justify my actions to myself. So in turn, I must be grateful for the trials of these past few weeks, because the glass is always half full, right? They have helped remind me of my evolution and strengthen my devotion to life. Before, I would have been angry for quite some time until I extracted my revenge and I would have been hurt for many months thereafter. Yet this time around, the anger lasted for maybe 1 minute. The hurt is ever so slowly subsiding.
But the final piece to this whole puzzle? I’m happy for her, an emotion that would have never run through my body before. I truly am happy to see her happy. Not angry, not vengeful, not spiteful. Maybe depressed that I don’t have something like what she has found, but an emotion which I can overcome and fade away. It’s strange sitting here and typing that I’m happy she is with another guy, but I can’t lie. I care so much for her that it truly does make me smile to see how joyful she is.
Every time I go through one of these periods in my life, I run back to music. It’s the one thing in my life that has never let me down and frankly, I find more solace in it then anything else in the world. David Gray, a true genius, sings my favorite song of all time, Please Forgive Me. Every time I listen to it, I am reminded of that feeling of love I once shared and how wonderful it felt. And yet Fate seems to find pleasure in Irony, so it is only natural that Gray also sings the song that I recently discovered. I have listened to repeatedly over the past few weeks and it could not sum up my feelings any better. “Shine” is the perfect song for me right now and I’m providing it to you free of charge, so why wouldn’t you download it?
I don’t believe in Coincidence, but instead in Fate and Providence. So despite how much I might miss her, I took and used the events from the past few weeks to finally close the 2nd chapter of my life. It’s something I’ve put off and told myself would never have to actually occur, but I’ve finally done it. Yet it’s hard figuring out how to start a new chapter. You sit down and start scribbling opening lines that always end up being furiously crossed out. Before you know it, your trashcan is overflowing with crumpled sheets of notebook paper while you are still left searching for that perfect string of words that will capture the essence and emotion you so desperately want to convey. Which is why I’m sticking with Reunion. Short, sweet, and to the point.
The morale of the story? Even though She blocks you out of her new life, yours still moves forward. So this is my Good-Bye, my Farewell, my Retreat into the night. I wish you all the best of luck Jessica and I hope that you are truly Happy.
And now, I’ll be returning to the main reason why most of you are here – to read the random shit I come up with. I know I vowed long ago to not bitch and moan on here, but I thought you all might like a glimpse into my life every now and then.