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The Creation Education Science Fair Part II

As promised, I bring you the conclusion of goodies found from the Objective Christian Ministries website. For those of you who missed my first installment, I highly recommend that you go check it out. It’s only two entries below this one and it will help introduce you to the craziness of this extremist group. So sit back, grab a cold one, and prepare to laugh…

Overall, the Objective Christians seem to be a generally pissed off group. Somewhere along the line they got the words “science” and “society” associated with “Satan.” A reader’s first realization of this is while reading the section they call Mall Mission. The Objective Christians view Secular Consumerism as the new false religion. A place where anti-Christian activities are promoted, like buying a new DVD or eating a slice of pizza, and they think that the first wave of attacks that Christians are forced to endure are store names.

• J.C. Penny - The J.C. makes us think of Jesus Christ, thus associating our Lord with the lowest monetary value, the penny (even Judas valued Him at 30 pieces of silver!).
• Sears - What the flesh of the damned does in Hell. It also sounds like “seers”, Pagan mystics who engaged in occult premonitions.
• Cinnabon - Sounds like “Sin Upon”.
• Orange Julius - Named for the Pagan Emperor of Rome. This company’s mascot was once a devil, until they changed it to hide their true intentions.
• Hot Topic - A recent store aimed at children that openly sells devil paraphernalia. Any guess as to why “hot” is in their name?
• Hallmark Gold Crown Stores - Purveyors of Santamas tree ornaments depicting anthropomorphized woodland creatures (reference to Evolutionism) and Harry Potter merchandise. What notable person will have a mark and wear crowns?

I don’t know how I’ve managed to go this long without being sucked in by Lucifer himself. Thankfully, to better prepare myself for when I have to go into that hotbed of immoral activity to buy a pair of jeans next week, I can become a Mall Missionary. That’s right. Gone are the days of traveling to Ecuador and Honduras to build homes for the poor and needy. I can now sit back and cruise around my local shopping mall helping save all the lost souls. But Goob, you find yourself asking, how am I to identify those who need saving? Luckily, the Objective Christians break down the consumers into 5 easy and fun to learn categories and give you pointers in how to approach them and annoy them save them. You’ve got your Normal Shoppers, your Holiday Shoppers (AKA Secular brainwashing), Last Minute Shoppers, Teens, and one more group, which they call…

Mall Walkers: Perhaps the saddest of the bunch, senior citizens who have been abandoned by their Secularized family and youth-orientated Secular jobs and who spend all their time circling malls under the deluded pretense of getting exercise. While they tend to not purchase things, they have still been indoctrinated to think that there is no other place for them to go in their twilight years except the Temple of Secular Consumerism. Let them know that instead of being Mall Walkers, they can be Church Walkers! Your Church can offer these pathetic and lonely people much more comfort than the cold, heartless mall can.

Heaven forbid there be old senior citizens who can’t afford the pricey gyms and who wish to get exercise in the mall for its security! Those bastards! I think when they see you calling them pathetic and lonely, they might not listen to you though. Try something more uplifting, like wretched and abandoned. You’d be amazed at the power of word choice. The Objective Christians also remind you that while on your Mall Mission, you will be approached by Mall Security, which are compared to modern day centurions patrolling their own little bit of the Secular Roman Empire. I could have sworn they were just ROTC kids from the local high school and overweight rent-a-cops, but maybe I’m mistaken. Anyways, the Objective Christians remind you that God compels all of us to spread His Word to the unsaved and that if you are asked to leave, you are not compelled to do so. Personally, I think a judge might differ, but I’d like to see you fight it anyway. It sure would help spice up my 11:00 Evening News.

Now the next category presented to the readers to show that the entire world is going to eternal damnation is a section they like to call Santa Claus and Satan’s Cause. Here, they point out vague similarities between Santa and Jesus Christ, such as:

Santa has white hair, Jesus Christ has white hair….Santa is coming soon, Jesus Christ is coming soon…Santa lives in the north, Jesus Christ lives in the north

Now, tell me if I am wrong, but couldn’t you substitute Santa for Uncle Fred. He lives up in Canada, has white hair, and never announces when he is going to drop by, so to me, he is always coming soon. And I’ll be honest, I’m no Pope John II, but I would be willing to bet that just because he had those vague similarities, he wouldn’t be considered Jesus. The final reference that the Objective Christians try to make between the two is that:

Santa has spirit helpers called elves, Jesus has spirit helpers called angels.

Oh come on. I think those over at the Objective Christian Ministries got a little lazy in coming up with more ideas. And furthermore, I think they overlooked a few clear and obvious similarities between Jolly Ole St. Nick and Jebus himself.

1. They both have penises - I mean, come on now. Is it coincidence that the fourth century Roman Catholic bishop who spread gifts across Europe was born as a male and Jesus was the SON of God? Hmmm?
2. They both like fire - I’m just assuming here. I mean, who doesn’t like fire?
3. SANTA, JESUS CHRIST - Were you aware that when you combine their names, it forms the anagram U C Janet’s Ass Shirt? I don’t know what it means, but don’t you find that a little disturbing?

But don’t think that the Objective Christians discriminate other Holidays. On the contrary my friends. Their next target of ridiculous ideas and insults is actually pretty predictable. Halloween. While we all know that during Halloween, Satan is out in force trying to corrupt our society, what we don’t know is that the Objective Christians are trying to counter Satan’s evil deeds by doing the worst thing possible. Instead of giving out candy, they propose that you HalloWitness and give out Bible tracts.

Consider this: At what other time of the year do throngs of unsaved children come to your door, begging for you to give them a treat? Why not use this unique opportunity to give these deprived children the best treat of all - the treat of Christ’s Love and eternal Salvation? Those unsaved trick-or-treaters - innocent children tricked by secular society and their non-Christian parents into participating in occult rituals - are exactly the ones in need of the Good News of Christ. Hand out Bible tracts instead of candy. We must take the fright and set it aright!!

A Bible tract? That’s worse then the fucking circus peanuts. I guarantee you, if somebody had given me a Bible tract instead of a Reese’s Cup, I would have come back to your house later on, rang your doorbell until it drove you crazy, pissed in your mailbox, and slashed your tires. Well, either that or just kicked over the pumpkin as I walked away. Either way, all you are going to do is piss children off. You think they like dressing up as ghosts and hobos and walking for miles and miles during the dark? What the hell else are they doing it for besides the candy?! But as if that wasn’t enough, the Objective Christians suggest you take this one step further and try to educate the youth through costumes!

The unsaved youths today with their Power Rangers and Peekachoos and other secular heroes they see on TV are very enamored with “make believe” and “role playing”. This is one of the reasons that Halloween keeps getting more popular every year since it allows them to dress up as their heros. Satan uses these seemingly innocent secular costumes as gate-way costumes for the more blatantly occult garb: witches, monsters, demons, Darth Mauls, and the like. One option is to appropriate costumes. For instance, a white sheet with eye-holes worn over one’s head isn’t an occult spirit, it’s the Holy Ghost. Write “HG” on the front and explain to kids the mystery of the Trinity

First off, you spelled Pikachu wrong, assholes. I’m sorry, but if you are going to ridicule and mock something, at least go as far as learning the correct spelling of it. And with the whole sheet costume, well, you might want to be careful there. I think kids might mistake the white sheet and your “HG” logo for the legendary character Hank Gary, the Grand Wizard of the KKK. I’m not sure if he was an Objective Christian, but I am sure he didn’t like black people and -wait, that’s right be up your alley, so why am I even bothering? I’ll move on.

You might have noticed that there aren’t many sections so far that are dedicated straight to children. Fear not noble citizens, for the Objective Christians are one step ahead of you. They created a few characters (Consumer Secularism Alert! Consumer Secularism Alert!) who are meant to be used for educational purposes with children. Here are my two favorites.

The best line out of those is “If you find an Atheist in your neighborhood, TELL A PARENT OR PASTOR RIGHT AWAY!” as if the Atheists are right up there with rapist, murderers, and child sex offenders. And what a way to teach children about tolerance of other religions. Telling them that all the Buddhist Gods don’t love Habu is an excellent way to lay the foundation for a peaceful and accepting life. But the saddest thing about the entire Objective Christian site? I have yet to even scratch the surface of all the material they have.

I would like for everybody to keep the Objective Christians in their thoughts and prayers. Maybe whatever God it is that you all believe in can one day help them? =) And with that being said folks, I rest my case with the Objective Christians.