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I wish I had some awesome Rod Beck memories to share with you, but alas I only barely remember him as a semi-above average baseball closer for much of the 1990s. But the quote below from this CNNSI article makes me wish I had taken the time to get to know him just a little bit better.

While working his way back to the majors in 2003, Beck pitched for the Triple-A Iowa Cubs and lived in his Winnebago parked just beyond the outfield fence. Fans would drop by for autographs and stay for a beer, and Beck became a folk hero. Then the Padres called.

Seriously, what pro athlete is that awesome anymore? In the age where most scrub players yet alone stars live in mansions far away from us normal folks and who act like they’ve done the planet a favor every time they sign an autograph, Beck would kick back and down a brew with you in his own home. That’s just kick ass. I can only imagine some of the stories that guy must have had. May he rest a little more in peace knowing that he never had to play for the Seattle Mariners.

The fact that I didn’t first start a website catering to people who are looking for easy races and marathons to win both saddens and disappoints me. If this doesn’t have something I’d do written all over it, then I’m even lazier than I give myself credit for. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go train for the Second Annual Pear Festival Marathon, which expects to top double digits in participants this year! Cheaply earned trophy, here I come!

EDIT: Ha, the Mariners are on a two game losing streak now. The Shyzer Curse strikes again!

How in the name of all things Holy do the Seattle Mariners have the 5th best record in baseball? (Fun Fact: The five highest ranked teams are in the American League. They might as well just let the National League start using aluminum bats and softballs.)

How is this possible? Are more than 15 teams on any given night getting losses added to their standings? I can see it now, the Nationals and Pirates are playing, the umps look into the stands to see only 18 people left (two of which are actually dead), and so they call the game and both teams take a loss thanks in part to their massive sucktitude. Is this a new rule that nobody told me about, because that’s about the only way I could see a scenario unfolding where the Mariners are where they are in the standings.

Richie Sexson’s batting average is the price of a Quarter Pounder, Ichiro is punching himself in the face, Jose Vidro is grounding into double plays despite hitting the ball to the warning track, the starting rotation has a combined ERA of 74 million, and nobody’s reminded King Felix that he’s the second coming of Christ. How in the hell is this team one of the better ranked teams in baseball? I’m serious here, I’m looking at the standings and adding up all the losses and wins, because I think somebody screwed up and just gave a bunch of teams a few extra notches in the L word category for no reason.

But fret not, my Seattle brethren, for we all know what is about to happen. The Mariners might even win a few more games before then, but come mid-July, our almost eerily naturally timed summer swoon will take place, the team will lose 90 out of 91 games (their lone win coming when George Steinbrenner eats the entire Yankees pitching staff in a fit of rage), and next summer we’ll be hearing our team name early in the draft! Don’t get me wrong, I still love the Mariners, following them with my same frenzied lust as always and watching most of their games on MLB.tv (the third greatest invention ever, behind the clapper and motorized toothbrushes. It’s actually about as reliable as those two as well.), but this is a horribly constructed baseball team that is even perplexing the fellas over at USSM. Dumb pure luck should no more be expected to last than that time I was Facebook God for a few hours (you know, I still don’t think I’ve told that story on here…) and any Mariners fan who is actually kidding themselves into thinking we have a shot at making the playoffs needs to spend a few hours with Ichiro in Cleveland.

That quote is never going to get old.

I’m not sure what’s more awesome; the fact that I didn’t edit that block of text below one bit or the fact that nobody will believe me when I say that.

The Mariners were clearly not thrilled with the detour before opening a three-game series against the Chicago Cubs on Tuesday.

“To tell the truth, I’m not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to,” Ichiro said through an interpreter. “If I ever saw myself saying I’m excited going to Cleveland, I’d punch myself in the face, because I’m lying.”

[via USSMariner]

He told him he wasn’t gonna slide!

I didn’t realize Willie Mays Hays actually existed in real life. I also didn’t realize that high school baseball was so pathetic that they’d call this kid out over breaking some asinine rule about momentarily breaking free of the Earth’s gravitational pull or something.

And with that, today is King Felix day. If you own mlb.tv or Extra Innings on Direct TV, tune in to Seattle’s game tonight and prepare to be impressed.

If you asked a large group of well educated, attentive baseball fans what teams have sucked the most over the past few years and a few obvious choices come to mind. The Royals have sucked ever since the fall of the Soviets, the Pirates haven’t had a winning team since the hottest band was the New Kids On The Block. And I think the highest moment in Devil Rays history was when they played a local high school team and squeaked out a 5-4 victory.

But if you take it one step further and ask which team has spent the most money and still managed to suck? “Oh, well that’s a no brainer,” they’ll tell you. It would take them all of five seconds to introduce you to the Seattle Mariners.

The past five years have been absolutely gut wrenching. The previous three are obvious, as they’ve floundered in last place no matter what the calendar shows. But even the two years prior, when they won 93 games each year and still didn’t make the playoffs. Since the introduction of the Wild Card over a decade ago, no team has won more games and still not made the post season. Yet the Mariners did it two years in a row.

Those 2002 and 2003 teams just ripped your heart out. Nobody actually expected the Mariners to contend these past few ears, myself included (go look at the old posts I made here on Shyzer to see for yourself). But after the 2001 season, anything seemed possible. They had just won 116 games, made it to the ALCS, and had a great core of talent.

And then things just fell apart. Players started to show their age. New talent didn’t perform to expectations. And ownership was petrified at making any changes that would “upset” the fanbase. So what did that get us? Two teams that absolutely crumbled down the stretch to the point that in August of each year, they went from first place to a distance second and a far away third. And then they just tanked for another three seasons.

Every April, fans like to feel optimistic about a team’s chances at winning. And yet Seattle fans know not to bother this time around. Our team is still horrible. We have the worst manager in baseball, our best player will either get traded away this summer or leave (please, Ichiro, prove me wrong….I handled Griffey getting traded away. I swallowed watching Cameron walk to another team. I even stomached Buhner retiring. But I don’t know if I can actually watch you play in another team’s uniform…), we have some of the worst contracts in baseball (Yeah, I’m talking about you Sexson, Weaver, and Washburn!), and we have the absolute worst front office management. Don’t believe me? Just goggle “Rafael Soriano trade” or “Chris Snelling trade” and read what most baseball people had to say about the Mariners when they traded away two of their best young and talented players this past winter.

And yet that line up above has given me a reason to love baseball all over again. The King, Felix Hernandez, at the ripe old age of 21 years and a few days old, is showing the world that he’s for real. No more prospect. No more potential. We’re talking about real life, Johan Santana-esqu pitching. Last night’s game on ESPN2 was billed as being a huge Dice-K vs. Ichiro matchup, but the fine folks over at USSMariner had this to say before the game started:

haven’t been this excited for a game in years. As my friends will attest, I get a bit giddy on Felix day anyways, and well, this is no ordinary Felix day. This is the leading contender for 2007 Game of the Year.

The media is going to run with Matsuzaka-Ichiro as the big story, which should be expected. The matchup will open the game, and Ichiro is the most famous player on the roster. Oh, and he happens to be from Japan, or so I’ve heard. Since it’s Boston, the focus of the story will be on Matsuzaka’s first start at Fenway. The $102 million right arm takes the hill in front of Red Sox Nation for the first time. And the leadoff hitter happens to be his countrymate. It writes itself.

But in four hours, there’s a good chance that Ichiro and Matsuzaka won’t be the story to come out of this game. This is King Felix’s first start in Fenway, too. Red Sox Nation has never seen him pitch, either, and it’s his first major league start as a 21 year old. It’s a nationally televised game - only the second one of his career.

On opening day, Felix told the city of Seattle that the hype was real, and that he wasn’t the baby faced overweight kid anymore, but now he was coming after Johan Santana’s crown. Tonight, Felix has a chance to tell the rest of America.

Daisuke Matsuzaka is the second best pitcher taking the hill tonight. Go get em, Felix.

Chances are, you know how that prediction turned out. But in case you haven’t turned on a TV or tuned in to your favorite talk radio show or even can’t read the box line above, let me break it down for you. Felix decimated the mighty Red Sox, to the tune of one hit. One God Damn hit, thank you very much Harry Doyle. Hell, head on over to Google News and type in Felix’s name. People are STILL talking about it. You’ll be lucky to find an article older than a day old by page 24. But don’t just take my word or some random sports journalist’s opinion for it. How about hearing from some of the players who he’s dominated so far this season.

“Felix Hernandez is twice as good as I had heard. The only guy I think I’ve ever seen dominate that much that young in a game was Dwight Gooden. He looks healthy and if he stays healthy Santana’s going to get a run for his money this year.” - Curt Schilling

“That kid can have a career like Roger Clemens, Nolan Ryan or Pedro Martinez…If he behaves and takes care of himself, he can be somebody really big in this game. He’s very powerful as a pitcher. I don’t think I’ve seen anything like that in a long time.” - David Ortiz

“When you face a guy like that, you tip your cap and you go into the next day really trying to forget about what happened” - J.D. Drew

Mark my words, if King Felix stays healthy this year, he wins the Cy Young. And that, my friends, is what makes following the Mariners and, for that matter baseball, simply awesome. Your team might suck. They might show few signs of getting better. They might even have the worst #2, #3, #4, and #5 pitchers in baseball.

But then when they have a pitcher like King Felix, every five days you can forget all about that. Ever fifth day, you can sit back, crack open a beer, and stare in awe as he reminds you all over again why you love baseball.

Every fifth day, King Felix makes baseball fun again. And for that, I’ll never be able to thank him enough.

April 1st. Opening Day.

What more needs be said? Baseball is back and suddenly the world is right again. Sometimes I amaze even myself by thinking about how I survive such a cold and barren winter every year.

As I drive to work in the morning, I usually either listen to NPR or my iPod. Friday morning I happened to switch over to FOX Sports and was promptly greeted with the news that Brett Favre, NFL God and the source of my biggest Man Crush, announced that he was coming back for the 2007 season. My class for the day was thus granted with an hour long lecture that morning as to why Favre was the greatest QB in the history of the universe. I think they were just happy to get out of doing any spelling.

I guarantee any ad agency out there that I could come up with a better commercial than any we’ve seen during the first half of the Super Bowl so far. Just contact me with via e-mail with “$$$$$$$$$$” in the subject line.

So CBS is airing the Super Bowl this year and decide to pull a page out of FOX’s “How To Fuck Up A Broadcast” playbook by using cameras that fog up every 12 seconds. I just stuffed an old rag in an envelope and addressed it to Miami.

Did I mention Favre is COMING BACK FOR ANOTHER SEASON?!

The older I’ve gotten, the less and less I’ve enjoyed the Super Bowl. There’s a problem when the game is being played mere days before catchers and pitchers report to Spring Training. If the NFL wanted to cut down on all the damn hype and move the game back a week, I’d be glad to start spreading the word.

FAVRE IS COMING BACK FOR ANOTHER FUCKING SEASON! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

WHOSH! THIS IS FOX! ZWEEERL! LIVE FROM PHOENIX! BWERNG!

After tonight’s coverage of the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, FOX has officially sealed its rank as the network with the worst sports coverage. Ever.

Do you enjoy good camera work? How about quick replays of recent important or big plays? Or how about a non-cluttered screen with few sound effects? Then stay away from FOX!

With all the graphics, sounds, and flashes every few seconds, you’d think the powers that be over at FOX were trying to give their viewers an epileptic seizure. Maybe they have a vested stock interest in the leading pharmaceutical company out there. My siblings racked up three months worth of being grounded before I realized that the culprits weren’t them, but instead was FOX.

Almost every replay they showed happened to be through a camera angle where the action was off screen. I can’t tell you the amount of times I watched a replay, turned to my buddy Jeff, and asked him why we were just shown a clip of two players blocking each other near the sideline. The few replays they actually did manage to show which contained some action happened to also be covered with a bare minimum of advertisements and graphics on one third of the screen. It’s such an enjoyable viewing experience when an explosive play is covered by a Nissan ad for a car nobody’s interested in!

But the real kicker had to be the camera angles. I’ve never seen such poor camera work throughout an entire game in my life. It was as if they had only two settings to choose from - nosebleed and ground level. On every play, I was either squinting to see which player had the ball or trying to identify the nose hair shown on the screen. I did enjoy all the aerial coverage of the indoor dome they were playing in, though! Maybe next time you could install a camera underground and show me the dirt beneath the 50 yard line?

FOX, I understand you’re trying to be innovative and fresh. You gave us the yellow first down line and the glowing puck, which are awesome. But there’s a fine line between a cool, new feature and pissing off your viewers.

And I’m pissed.

EDIT: Wow. Holy Shit, wow. One of the best endings to a football game I’ve ever seen was the only redeeming factor that saved FOX tonight. I love Trickeration plays. I love teams like Boise State who run 20000 Trickeration plays in a row even more.

Fuck. You. Bill Bavasi.

May you soon be fired along with Mike Hargrove and rot in hell.

Merry Christmas.