However, I also have four or five blogs filed under the heading “Awesome,” which is instead checked every 5 minutes. On the rare occasion that something new is found, the computer equivalent of a klaxon is sounded and my browser automatically loads the page. I only wish I was MacGyver enough to rig a ham sandwich-bearing robot to accompany the glorious occasion.

These sites could be classified as my all-time favorites – ones that have yet to disappoint, who time after time drive me to laud them far more than any healthy human being should, and who literally make surfing the net enjoyable for me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some obscenities to scream while I delete one of the feeds.

I’m not a fan of crotch shots when they happen to me and yet that’s exactly what I felt last night when I read of Fire Joe Morgan’s demise. I’m not going to harp on this, but damn. It was a brilliant fucking website and I’ll miss their insanely rational reasoning and absurd sense of humor. For the FJM virgins out there, enjoy this and this before breaking out the cigarettes.

National League Division Series

  vs.  

This is essentially Manny versus the Cubs. I’m not sure if Los Angeles has any additional players, but from what I gather the Dodgers sucked until July 31, traded for Manny Ramirez, and then proceeded to win every game for the next two months thanks to Manny hitting a gazillion home runs. Or something like that.

On the flip side, I didn’t think Chicago was that good until recently. I saw them play a bit over the past two weeks and I’m a believer. A believer that Chicago beats Los Angeles in 4 games that is.

  vs.  

Dammit, of course the two NL teams I could root for end up playing each other in the first round. I could go back and forth on this, but it boils down to two things. Who I want to win and who I think will win.

Two of my favorite ex-Mariners are located in this series – the Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer and the Brewers centerfielder Mike Cameron. Moyer is older than dirt and yet he still makes players half his age look like fools at the plate. Toss in the fact that I (honestly) could probably throw harder than he does and it baffles the mind that he’s still playing. I love Cameron, but it’s hard to top Moyer. Thus, go Phillies?

Yeah, not so fast. I know they’re the better team on paper and they’ve had a chance to rest their starters and the Brewers are banged up and their pitching is a mess and blah blah blah. Milwaukee is hot and in recent seasons the hotter teams have done better than the rested (02 Angles, 03 Marlins, 05 White Sox, 07 Rockies). But then I look at the recent schedule and notice that Philly swept Milwaukee just last week and that’s enough for me. Plus, Milwaukee can only go so far with running CC Sabathia on short rest, right? I think Vegas has the odds of his arm flying off his body during the series somewhere around 48%. Philadelphia beats Milwaukee in 5.

(This is like the third version of these predictions I’ve written. At first I had Milwaukee winning this, beating the Cubs, and then losing in the WS. Now I have them losing in the first round. Let this be a lesson for anybody who is thinking about using my predictions as a guide to gambling.)

American League Division Series

  vs.  

Repeat after me: You don’t win the AL East without being good. You don’t. You can’t. Not in this century. So to everybody thinking that Tampa is a fluke, they’re not. At the time I’m writing this, I don’t even know who they’ll be playing seeing as Chicago and Minnesota are still playing tonight. No offense to the AL Central, but it doesn’t matter either way. Tampa beats Chicago in 4 or Minnesota in 3. That said, seeing Ken Griffey Jr. playing in the World Series would put a giant smile on my face.

  vs.  

First off, let’s take a moment and enjoy the fact that the New York Yankees aren’t in the playoffs this year. Ahhhh. There’s nothing quite like gloating, huh?

On paper, the Angels are a better team than Boston, right? Better record, far more rested, they have home field throughout the playoffs, the Mariners finished more than 40+ games behind them – and yet I’m still not sold. Their hitting is downright finicky. Their OBP (on-base percentage, which factors in hits and walks) is 19th in the league. Slugging (total bases / at bats) is 18th. They’re 25th in walks, a stat where Boston, Chicago, and Tampa are 1, 2, 3.

Long story short, their record is so good simply because they played the majority of their games against three shitty teams! I honestly don’t even think this will be close. I wanted to say Boston wins in a sweep, but I’ll toss Los Angeles a bone and say Boston wins in 4.

League Championship Series

  vs.  

Philadelphia’s lineup is freaking stacked and yet every time I watch them, it seems like their 3-4-5 hitters are going 1-10. And which Myers is going to show up and pitch? Hopefully not the one that sucks. Because he really sucks. Badly enough to blow at least one of these games and help Chicago beat Philly in 5.

  vs.  

Boston is a good team, Tampa is a good team, whatever. I want Tampa to win this and I’m blatantly going to favor them for no reason other than desire when I say Tampa beats Boston in 6. I know damn well this is just a passionate pick, but whatever.

World Series

  vs.  

I want to pick Chicago. I really do. But this is the fucking Cubs we’re talking about here. Something’s going to happen like it always does and Tampa wins in 6, thus ensuring that Cubs fan worldwide cry themselves to sleep for another winter.

11 Dominicans
6 Puerto Ricans
5 Venezuelans
3 Japanese
2 Mexicans
2 Canadians
1 Panamanian
1 German
1 Nicaraguan

That’s the combination of foreign born players on the World Series rosters last year for the Boston Red Sox and the Colorado Rockies. Neither of these teams have an especially large contingent of foreign players either. In fact, some teams in this year’s playoffs have significantly more.

In fact, MLB’s public relations department not only keeps tabs on all the foreign born players, but routinely lets us know how global the game has become. Case in point:

Of the 855 players on rosters at the start of the season, 239 were born outside the 50 states, the commissioner’s office said Tuesday. The percentage dropped to 28.0 from 29.0 last year, when it was just off the record of 29.2 set in 2005.

There were 3,356 of 7,021 minor leaguers born outside the 50 states, with the percentage rising to 47.8 percent, up from 46.2 last year and 45.1 in 2005.

Not only is it 30% for the pros, but almost every other player in the minors calls some other county home!

It’s called the World Series because the world’s best players usually end up playing here in America. Teams are scouting in Asia, Latin America, and the rest of the world almost as much as they are in Florida and Texas. For every Oklahoman farm boy and California surfer dude on a team’s roster, there’s a good chance the guy sitting next to them in the locker room speaks a first language other than English.

So if you’re uneducated about baseball and enjoy being punched in the crotch, please go ahead and keep repeating that same stupid line this autumn. Otherwise, please shut the hell up and go enjoy some baseball.

Oh, well that and the fact that I’ve been glued to the TV for the past 48 hours. What’s the over / under on how much I get accomplished in the next few weeks? It doesn’t matter, just take the under and bet the kid’s college fund.

EDIT: Who else just saw that epic comeback by the US swim team? AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

EDITED EDIT: I love this photo.

I became a football fan because of Brett Favre. I was a Favre fan before I became a Packers fan.

I wholeheartedly believe in the Madden Curse. It’s stupid and illogical of me and I don’t care. It’s real, Favre’s on the cover this year, ipso facto he’s gonna suck. It’s basic logic, folks. It’s pretty easy to see how Favre + shitty team + going from small town where he can do no wrong to New York where you get booed for sneezing = oh shit.

Seriously, New York is not going to be kind to him. At all.

Up until tonight, I honestly expected to follow Favre to whatever team he went to. It’s pretty clear there’s a lot of blame, but Christ if the Packers didn’t botch him from day 1. I’m not even sure I believed he’s actually switch jerseys though.

I was a Ken Griffey Jr. fan before I became a Mariners fan. When he was traded from the team in 2000, I considered jumping ship and following him to Cincinnati. But I stuck with the team since players come and go and my current boycott of them notwithstanding, I think it was the right move. I try not to think about asking when my faith and loyalty will go rewarded though…

All that said, I will root my ass off for Favre to win every game this year. I hope he gets all the way to the Superbowl. But I hope my Pack beats him there.

Angela, get ready!

This is weird though. It’s also just a damn sport. That’s a lesson 16-year-old Goob is really glad 25-year-old Goob has learned. I think that’s the best part about this whole thing.

Gee, thanks ESPN.

Yes, I still follow baseball and the Mariners more passionately than global warming or politics or my own personal hygiene. But for those of you not keeping tabs, Seattle sucks ass this year. As in last place with the worst league of all major league teams sucking. Everything went right for them last year and they were still only halfway decent. The bigwigs in charge didn’t realize this, of course, and thus they spent way too much money and talent on mediocre players this past winter in an effort to win it all this year. The end result? Us loyal fans trying to hunt down obscure beer from Papau New Guinea due to an offhand remark from Ichiro.

I love my fellow fans sometimes.

Thankfully, ESPN quickly switched to the San Fran – Washington game and I got to thinking. You know, when it comes to NL baseball, I really don’t care what game I’m watching. I don’t like watching AL games when Seattle sucks because every time I see a game between two AL teams, I want the stadium to blow up so Seattle can move up a game on both of them. It hasn’t happened yet, but I’m a patient man.

But with the NL? Eh, it doesn’t really matter to me. In fact, I seem to pick a new underdog NL team to root for every year. I then started to wonder if I’ve actively cheered for every NL team at one point or the other.

Let’s see, there’s been:

– Atlanta Braves – Well, that didn’t take long. I’ve never cheered for the Braves and doubt I ever will. It doesn’t really have anything to do with hating the team, if anything I kinda admire the way the organization was run for the 90s and 00s. But growing up surrounded by nothing but idiot baseball fans wearing Braves hats kinda turned me off from the team forever. Plus, there’s the old story of me unfolding a map and finding the team furthest away from Atlanta to start following many years ago.

In hindsight, I should have used a much different criteria in selecting my team of choice.

– Florida Marlins – Ah, the 2003 playoffs. I remember calling them to win in September of that year and they certainly didn’t disappoint. Most people remember that postseason for the Cubs epic collapse (and unfairly lay the blame on Scott Bartman’s feet), but all I remember is the awesome divisional series Florida won in the bottom of the 9th in Game 5 against San Francisco, somehow surviving the Cubs, and destroying the Yankees. Nobody knew the players on their hodgepodge of a roster filed with nothing more than aging veterans and nobody rookies. Now? Half of them are household names. What a fun team to watch and this year’s version honestly reminds me of their 2002 counterparts. Keep an eye on them this year.

– New York Mets – Eh, I waver with the Mets. I used to like them in the late 90s and earlier this decade, but ever since they started turning into the mini-Yankees in terms of spending, it’s gotten harder to cheer for them. Still, as late as 2006 I’ve cheered for them. The 2006 NLCS was bloody brilliant, going 7 games, the Endy Chavez catch (that video doesn’t do it justice, but the crowd reaction tells you how important / amazing it was), everything. I think that was the last time I’ve really cheered for them, but knowing how Jon Stewart loves them makes it hard to really hate on ‘em.

– Philadelphia Phillies – Talk about coming full circle. I used to hate the damn Phillies, but over the past three years they’ve come to grow on me. Chase Utley is one of the top 5 players in baseball and nobody knows his name. Watching Cole Hamels pitch is a treat, while Ryan Howard swinging for the fences every at bat always keeps you on the edge of your seat. Plus, Jamie Moyer plays for them and fuck if I don’t want him to win at least one ring before he retires. He’s like a current Edgar Martinez, what’s not to love?

– Washington Nationals – See, I lived close to them for two years, but never really got behind them. They’re a team I would recommend to somebody looking for a new team to start following though. You don’t want to pick a team that’s already winning out of fear of being labeled a bandwagon fan and you don’t want to pick a shitty team, so finding that team in middle ground is a little tricky. Sure, there are better options who are closer to being legitimate winners (Milwaukee, Tampa, Toronto, even Oakland or Colorado), but the Nationals have a new stadium, a few budding super stars, and are somewhat fun to watch. Then again, this team is still the Montreal Expos with a makeover, so that’s two so far.

– Chicago Cubs – Okay, I don’t hate the Cubs. But Jesus, do they not have enough fans already? This whole “lovable loser” label they like to play up is starting to make them sound simply like losers. I don’t root against them, but if they ever run up against a team I like, booooo Cubs. Of course, if Mark Cuban ends up buying them, my entire viewpoint will change. Can you imagine him as the owner? They’d be a perennial playoff team within three years. I can’t really count them though, because over the past two decades I’ve certainly wanted them to win it all just so their fans would shut the fuck up.

– Cincinnati Reds – Eh. Whatever, Ken Griffey Jr. still has a small place in my heart, but that’s as far as I care about this team. I think that’s because every impression I have of the TOWN of Cincinnati is crap. Ipso facto, the Reds probably aren’t worth rooting for. That’s three teams.

– Houston Astros – Oh man, this is hard for me. When they traded for Carlos Beltran for half a season back in 2004, I really thought they were going all the way. Amazing pitching, strong hitting, charisma, they had it all. Then the fucking Cardinals beat them in the NLCS (damn good series, though) just so they could be annihilated by the Red Sox. The next year they lost Beltran to the Mets and still managed to make it to their first World Series ever. I’m not going to type too much here, but those 04 – 05 teams were awesome to watch.

– Milwaukee Brewers – I was rooting for them for the first time last year, but that’s about it. They’ve sucked all the way up until then and there always seemed to be another underdog to root for instead. I still can’t really get behind them and I’m not sure why. Extremely young team, newish stadium, power hitters, team named after beer, they’ve even got Mike Cameron on the team now! Seriously, I’m starting to wonder what’s wrong with me. How is I’m marking this team as the fourth on my list?

– Pittsburgh Pirates – By far the easiest team for me on this list. They’ve sucked so much ever since I can remember that I’ve never even had a chance to cheer for them come Autumn. It’s be cool if they decided to win more than 70 games in a season, but until then, I’ll just continue using them as a punchline and tack on numbero cinco.

– St. Louis Cardinals – Fuck these guys. I cheer for them in the early 00s and they lose. I start cheering for other teams and they start to win. They screwed over the Mets, Astros, and Tigers all within recent memory. The Mets deserved to win that series. So did the Astros! Tony Larussa is a prick. They released So Taguchi, whose name was fun to say. Albert Pujols is awesome to watch, but that’s about it.

– Arizona Diamondbacks – There’s a common theme among my teams of choice: they’ve always had plenty of youth and the current Diamondbacks are currently the youngest team in baseball. The 2001 World Series was beyond amazing, but ever since then I really haven’t cheered for them.

– Colorado Rockies – Last year was the year I jumped full force behind Colorado and they got to the damn World Series. I didn’t expect them to be utterly destroyed by Boston like they were, but that’s beside the point. They were a fun team to watch last year and while they’re tanking now and I think they’ll trade their best player soon, they strike me as a team that could follow the Marlins recipe for success. Suck for a few years developing talent, go for broke every 4th or 5th year, then blow up the team and start again. It’s risky, but cheap and proven to work.

– Los Angeles Dodgers – I can’t really think of any time I’ve pulled for the Dodgers. I like how old school everything about them is though. A simple stadium, their name reminds you of when they played in Brooklyn, and even their jerseys are basic. Then again, when you start bringing up jerseys while naming good things about a team, maybe it’s time to move on. VI.

– San Diego Padres – Every time I’ve looked at a San Diego team, I’ve thought to myself “here’s a team that could get into the playoffs and then lose in the first round.” So far, I haven’t been that far off. I did cheer for them way back in 1998 I think it was, when they got to the World Series and lost to the Yankees. I remember losing a bunch of bets back then, all made out of my desire to see Tony Gwinn win a title. Lesson learned.

– San Francisco Giants – 2002 World Series. Before Bonds and the whole steroids thing, back when I hated the Angels (ok, fine, I still do), and during my introduction year to the Mariners Sucking Era Part Duex of my life. I really wanted the Giants to win and what happened? They get within six outs of winning game 6, blow it, and then lose the seventh and final game. See above paragraph in learned, lesson.

Wow, that was far more than I expected to type. So let’s see, what’s the verdict? Ten out of 16 NL teams have had Goob screaming their chants at one point in time, I’m pretty damn good at picking surprising NL teams to get far in the playoffs, not many of them win it all though, and I’m pretty close to being a whore for the league as a whole. Yeah, sounds about right.

Who am I pulling for this year? Well, Moyer doesn’t have many innings left in his shoulders, so I’m still sticking with the Phillies for the time being. Of course, I wouldn’t mind seeing the Marlins or Diamondbacks slipping into the playoffs. Who knows, there’s a lot of baseball to be played. Maybe later this week I’ll write a post on how exactly the process of picking a rent-a-team works.

It’s weird though, because even if Philadelphia won it all this year, I’d be happy for about 5 minutes and then turn off the TV. It’s not the same kind of passion when you’re picking a rent-a-team to root for. It’s fun, gives you a reason to stay more than moderately interested in the sport, and even helps you learn about other teams that you’d normall pay no attention to. But you’re not a diehard and it almost feels like you’re practicing all the cheering for when your own favorite team starts winning.

In my case, that projects to be around 2027. Fucking Mariners.

Free MLB Extra Innings!!

Free MLB Extra Innings!!!

If you have Comcast of DirectTV, you have until April 6th to watch as much baseball as humanely possible. For Comcast, the channels are up around 770-790 and you should be able to catch at the very least two more Mariners games before the free trial is over.

Of course, you could also just watch the massive marathon of Battlestar Galactica being shown on SciFi right now. Hell yeah!

To be honest, I’m not too shocked he retired. You knew it was coming sometime soon and ever since at least two or three years ago, I’ve been trying to prepare myself for it. I really thought it was going to come last season, especially after everybody was congratulating him after his last game and he started crying and everything. I thought there was no way he’d be coming back after that. At the same time, I thought there was no way he’d not be coming back after the season the Packers just had. Go figure.

I’m just glad I got to see him play live and in person. Even though the second time kinda sucked.

Last year I wanted him to come back simply so he could prove how good he still was. I won’t lie and say I saw this past season coming, as I’m sure nobody thought Green bay would go 13-3 this year. But after the way they finished up the prior season, I honestly felt 9-7 was doable and 10-6 wasn’t that farfetched. And in the NFC, that’s easily playoff material. So having him back this past season was great. Having the Packers play the way they did was awesome. That damn Seattle playoff game was absolutely icing on the cake. Many people will say they’ll remember his poor performance against NY as his final game, but I’ll choose to cherry pick and remember that Seattle game in the snow.

He’s right though, there’s no guarantee Green Bay will be the cream of the crop again next year. The NFL is finicky like that. To be able to go out on your own and at the top of your game, no less, is something that has to be appealing to him. Nobody liked seeing Michael Jordan sucking it up in a Washington Wizards uniform. So I can understand and respect his decision to bow out now. As a fan, though, I can’t help but wish he’s lace up for another few years though

If you hate Green Bay, I can understand how all the constant media attention of Favre could be nauseating. Just thinking about them taking the same approach to a Derek Jeter or Tony Romo makes my stomach curl. But seeing as how I bleed Packer yellow (which can’t be healthy, I might want to see a doctor about that…), I’ve been loving every second of it. One thing that’s been bothering me, though, is listening to people try and rank him on the “all time” list of best QBs. To start with, that’s an almost impossible task, especially when comparing QBs from different generations. But even so, there’s a few things to keep in mind.

• As much as I love Donald Driver, Favre never had a Jerry Rice type receiver. Just look at the past receivers of his who have come out of the woodworks to talk about Favre in the past few days. Antonio Freeman? Don Beebe? Robert Brooks? Dorsey Levens? We’re not talking about perennial Pro Bowlers here and the few times they were in the Hawaii, Favre happened to be having a brilliant season. Coincidence? I think not. John Elway had Terrell Davis, Steve Young had Rice, Troy Aikman had Michael Irving and Emmitt Smith. Only Dan Marino had to work with less than Brett. Favre was one of the few QBs who could work his magic with or without great players on his offense and that should speak volumes.
• People like to point out that he holds the record for most INT’s, but when you’ve played as long as Favre and made as many attempts as he has, you’re going to throw some picks. Yes, as a fan, sometimes he’d drive you crazy with bad throws, but that was part of the Favre Package and you knew that coming into the game. Not once did the fanbase turn against him and start bemoaning that he needed to step aside (something the NY Giants fans could learn about…) and if all those interceptions were so bad, wouldn’t you think they’d be the first group of people to point out that he threw so many of them? Nolan Ryan is considered one of the best pitchers in baseball of all time, but people forget he holds the record for most walks.
• I don’t know how many other QBs in the 90s had to battle drug or alcohol addictions, but Favre not only battled and beat them both, but he had to do so while in the public spotlight. Just sayin’…

I think what I’ll miss most about Favre is simply watching him play. I dare you to name another athlete in ANY sport that plays with as much love for the game as Favre did. Watching him made me feel as if I was back in Spartanburg running BA passes with Chong or trying to score the winning touchdown by running through the rosebushes in our neighbor’s yard. He made watching football fun, almost to the point where you forgot about what a win or lose might do to the team’s record. All you cared about was seeing what other crazy ass play he could pull from nowhere and no matter how many times he made you scream out “NOOOOOOO!” in agony, he almost always single handedly redeemed himself with a miracle play here or a methodical drive there.

Brett Favre’s retirement isn’t tragic or sad or heartbreaking. It’s not something to dwell on or become depressed over. The man isn’t dead, he’s simply not going to throw a football for a living anymore. But damn if I can’t help but feel a small sense of loss over the simple fact that I’ll never get to see #4 running around a piece of grass with his helmet in one hand, his other arm stretched upright with one finger in the air, and a giant ass smile on his face.

Like I said two days ago, I miss the bastard already.

This is one of those times where excess words only get in the way. So I’ll shut up and just watch that video again.

        

All I gotta say is I hope Favre dominates retirement as much as he did the NFL for the past 16 years. Thanks for every single memory, Brett. Rock on and enjoy yourself, mate, because you’ve earned it.

But yesterday I just couldn’t stomach it anymore. The turning point came when all three of the talking heads on screen unanimously agreed that Roger Clemens wouldn’t and shouldn’t ever be allowed into the Baseball Hall of Fame now.

Wait a minute…what?!

First off, I have no love for Clemens other than my general respect for his skills. He’s never pitched an inning for my beloved Mariners and on the contrary, I can think of at least four games off the top of my head where he either knocked them out of the playoffs or utterly destroyed them in a regular game. So in baseball terms, he’s like Albert Pujols – I like to watch him play if I catch him on ESPN, but if he’s up against the M’s, he can go screw himself. Whereas Ichiro could strangle a pack of puppies on national television and I’d still think of him as nothing short of the second coming of Jesus.

So that said, how in the hell can you say he doesn’t deserve to be in the Hall of Fame now? Because of some accuasations, no matter how true they may be?! If that’s the law of the land now, then perfect, because I’d like to go ahead and say that Derek Jeter is taking steroids and has been ever since he was 5. There, now his career and reputation should be forever tarnished and ruined. Awesome.

I watched Clemens on CSPAN yesterday and yes, he appeared nervous, shifty, and pretty much gave off the general aura that he was lying / covering up. So what?! I don’t get it. So the man cheated. We’ve established the facts that A) steroids were part of baseball for many years. Not just amongst the superstars, but all the way down to the scrubs of the league. and B) MLB knew about it and turned a blind eye. So why is it that we can cherry-pick a few big names and simply destroy their reputations?

Why are we punishing these guys now for what they did in the past? It’s akin to punishing me right now for buying beer on a Sunday four years ago back in South Carolina. Technically it was against the law, but everybody else was doing it and the cops basically gave me a high five as I walked out of the store with my brew. So why should I be punished for that now? It makes no sense.

I guess this boils down to one thing: players using steroids. And you know what? I don’t give a shit.

Two of my favorite baseball seasons to date were the 2000 and 2001 years, where the Seattle Mariners were led by three main players. Ichiro Suzuki, who is probably the epitome of somebody who would never touch steroids, Edgar Martinez, one of the purest hitters of my generation, and Bret Boone, who at that point in his career was a walking syringe. Ok, I know Ichiro didn’t join Seattle until the 2001 season, but I’m trying to make a point here. What point? That baseball fans don’t give a shit about players who use steroids as long as they’re on they’re favorite team! If Seattle wins the World Series and then it’s later revealed that the only reason they were able to pull it off was because they drank the blood of unicorns, don’t expect the upper Northwest to throw up their collective arms in protest. I wouldn’t be asking how soon we could add an asterisk to the record books, but instead where I could buy some more damned unicorns at.

Some might argue that because of all the recent hullabaloo, we have stricter and tougher anti-steroid policies in place now. Fantastic! But, like most other laws, it’s a rule that shouldn’t be retroactive. What these players did was look for an advantage in a competitive environment, find it, and then have it sanctioned through the complacency of MLB bigwigs.

Others argue this entire debate should be about larger things than just the players involved, like how kids look up and emulate their heroes and how if we don’t punish them for what they did, we might be saying to the youth of today that taking steroids is okay. First off, if a kid starts taking steroids and dies because so, I don’t think the first finger we point should be at Sammy Sosa. Where the hell were his parents? Why is Sammy “raising” the kid?! What about the kid’s coach, who has daily interactions with the child and would see first hand that something is up? Why is it that we always go straight for the most recognizable and famous figure whenever a travesty is committed, even if that person only played a small role in the whole ordeal?

But what about the integrity of the game? What these players did in the 1990s and early 2000s was shatter records that had withstood the test of time and been set by players who had been competing fairly. Well to that argument, all I have to do is point to one of my favorite books, Ball Four. Players have been trying to cheat since the start of baseball! The author of one of my favorite sites on the net, USSMariner, even wrote a freaking book called The Cheater’s Guide To Baseball! What damn integrity are we trying to save here? Is it the same integrity as marriage we always hear about when gays enter the conversation? I’m starting to think it is, Jesus…

Baseball players cheated and got away with it. There’s no way to tell who cheated and who didn’t. There’s not even any accurate way to tell if somebody cheated even though we’re pretty, kinda, really, super sure that they did.

So why are we wasting our time with this again?

Ask people around Green Bay for their favorite Favre memory, and you’ll get countless anecdotes but rarely any hesitation. So many elite athletes captivate with their otherworldly physical gifts, but the common theme among the Favre highlights is the human element.

Mike McCarthy: “In ’99, when I was quarterbacks coach, three of the first four games were comebacks in the final couple of minutes. The one that stands out was against Tampa Bay. There’s about a minute left, and we call this play where if the rush comes, Brett’s supposed to check down to the back. Of course, Tampa comes with everything they’ve got, but Brett just stands in there and throws a strike to Antonio Freeman for the winning touchdown, just as John Lynch and half the defense hits him in the jaw. On the sideline Brett’s a little woozy; he’s on oxygen; and I go up to him and say, ‘What happened to the check down?’ He says, ‘Dammit, I forgot all about that. But, hey, I made the throw.’ That’s Brett Favre in a nutshell — he’ll take the beating, but he’ll always make the throw

Brett Favre: Greatest Quarterback ever or Greatestest Quarterback ever? That’s a question for history to decide. Plus, I take it from the photo above that Favre moonlights as a super hero as well. Which means that not only is he awesome, but he has the best disguise ever. Clark Kent ain’t got nothing on Favre.

Take for instance the 2001 Arizona Diamondbacks. Granted, the World Series that year was probably one of the most memorable rounds in the past few decades, but look at how Arizona won. They had two absolute ace pitchers in Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling, yet after those two they had nothing. Their starting rotation was awesome-awesome-crap-crap-crap. The New York Yankees were a much better and more evenly built team that year, yet thanks to the way MLB allows teams to get so much rest during the playoffs, Arizona was able to ride the hell out of their two aces and go for all or nothing. There’s no way Johnson or Schilling pitches 2 1/2 games each in a eight day span during the regular season, but in the playoffs? Sure, why the hell not.

And we’ve got more and more teams building their rosters in such a fashion to where they hope to squeak into the playoffs, because they know once they’re in, it’s all a crap shoot and they have just a good a chance as anybody. We’re moving from an era of teams building their roster to incorporate balance all around the field to an era where teams are overspending on high-priced star free agents in the hopes that they won’t start to suck any time soon. Because if they do, it’ll make the fact the rest of the roster is filled out with scrub players and kids who should still be in AAA glaringly obvious.

MLB needs to stop giving teams so much rest during the playoffs and keep the games going at a smooth, quick pace. Give all teams one days rest after the season and then play the first round of the playoffs in five straight days. One days rest after that and then have the next seven days contain the entire next round. Teams will be rewarded with extra rest if they manage to win a series in less than five or seven games and this would help keep the World Series from going into November. The NFL doesn’t give their teams extra rest during the playoffs, so why should MLB?

They’ve just played 162 games in a marathon run, so why the hell are we suddenly asking them to sprint for the finish line? It makes no sense.

So with that said, I want you all to know just how horribly bad the National League is. They are. Seriously. Match up any NL team with their American League counterpart and see who you’d take. From top to bottom, you’d end up taking most of the AL teams! Even the basement dwellers in the AL are better, as Tampa Bay would easily beat Pittsburgh in a seven game series, as would Kansas City beat San Fran. Looking at the middle of the pack, we’ve got Toronto versus Los Angeles. Are you kidding me? Wow. Even the two “best” teams, at Boston versus Arizona, wouldn’t be a competition.

And the NL Central needs to have their automatic playoff spot revoked until they field a team that can finish at least ten games over .500. Just looking at the standings, there are at least seven teams in the AL that would have beat the Cubs for that division and I’d bet on them against Chicago in any series. Seattle was a very average baseball team this year, yet they still finished better than any of their NL Central peers. So you might be asking how the NL has managed to win three of the past six World Series then, including the juggernaut that was the St. Louis Cardinals last year. Well, that’s for a post tomorrow morning.

But I digress…the Cubs “earned” it and so here we are. Eight teams, one month, let’s see how this plays out.

vs.

Now this match up makes my life hard, for if these two teams were playing either of the other two NL playoff teams, I’d have them both win and meet in the NLCS. But that’s not how the cards fell and as such, we have my two favorite playoff teams squaring off in the first round. You’ve probably heard about the Colorado Rockies by now and how they won 14 of their last 15 games to get into the playoffs. Talk about getting hot at the right time. Their offense is rock freaking solid, led by MVP candidate Matt Holliday. In fact, the Rockies have very few weaknesses when it comes to their offense as they can all hit from top to bottom. Their pitching, however, is….Christ. Half of their pitching staff wouldn’t even be on most other major league ball clubs, but thanks to injuries, they’re now part of a playoff team.

The Philadelphia Phillies, on the other hand, easily have the best offense in the NL right now. Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, Jimmy Rollins, Aaron Rowand, and Pat Burrell are absolute beasts. Their pitching staff is probably the second worst of any playoff team right now, which is the only reason this is going to be a fairly even series. Cole Hamels is a stud, however, and some might remember Jaime Moyer from his days in Seattle. Yep, my favorite pitcher alive is still playing baseball folks and he’s still effective as ever – as long as he isn’t pitching in Denver.

Both teams have semi-effective bullpens, so the later the game goes, the better it gets for whichever team is currently leading. But much as I love Colorado’s story and rooting for the underdog of all underdogs, I think Philadelphia will pull this off in five as Hamels is needed to win two games. I will say this, though – if Colorado manages to win, they’ll win it all. But, like I said, I just don’t see them outslugging the Phillies.

vs.

Talk about a match up between two “eh, whatever” teams. First off, what Arizona was able to accomplish this year was nothing short of astounding. Winning while rebuilding with young kids is something you’ll rarely see. That said, if you look at their roster and think to yourself “who the hell are these guys?” – well, don’t worry. You’re not alone. Beyond Eric Byrnes, you most likely will have never heard of many of their young players, but don’t let that fool you. These boys can play. Led by their ace Brandon Webb, their starting pitching is a bit suspect after him, but luckily for Arizona they’ve got a solid bullpen.

On the flip side, we’ve got Chicago, which I honestly don’t think is all that great. They’ve got the best starting pitching of the four NL teams, led by Carlos Zambrano, so that’s a plus. They also have a pretty solid bullpen, though unfortunately, their closer is about as effective as my iPod at finishing off a baseball game. Chicago’s offense is a bit overrated, since Derrek Lee, Jacque Jones, and Cliff Floyd aren’t what they used to be thanks in part to either old age or nagging injuries. Still, they do have Alfonso Soriano and Aramis Ramirez, both of which have been quite effective as of late.

If Chicago can keep Byrnes and Chris Young contained, Zambrano doesn’t implode, and they make sure to pick up at least one of the games where Lilly or Hill start, I think they should win this. Arizona just needs too many things to go their way in order to pull this off, so I’ll call Cubs in five.

vs.

The Cubs just don’t have the offense to stay in this, which is odd for me to say because I absolutely believe that pitching wins postseason baseball. Yes, the Cubs have better pitching, but I think this is the series where Zambrano might collapse, giving Philadelphia a victory in both games he pitches in. And remember, I think Philly will need Hammels to pitch twice in the Division Series, so that means he’ll be going up against either Lilly or Hill. And while they’ve both been effective this year, Hammels is by far one of the best young pitchers in baseball, right up there with Felix Hernandez. Moyer will win twice to redeem his performance in the DS, Hammels picks up at least one victory, Chase Utley and Ryan Howard make themselves household names across the nation, and the Phillies win in six.

vs.

Oh boy. Much has already been said about the New York Yankees’ offense battleship. Yes, they can hit the ball. Take your pick, from Alex Rodriguez to Hideki Matsui to Jorge Posada to Bobby Abreu to… you get the point. Scoring runs won’t be their problem. Their pitching, however, well… They’ve got Chien-Ming Wang and Andy Pettitte, two very good starters. And they’ve got Roger Clemens waiting in the wings, who we all know and hate. The thing about this team is that their pitching is either wretched or brilliant. After Wang and Pettitte, every pitcher on their roster seems to randomly guess each day if they want to be lights out or lob softballs over the plate. Of course, they do have Mariano Rivera as their closer, by far the best closer in playoff history. But he’s been hittable as of late and while still great, he’s not the dominant force he once was.

And like I will post about tomorrow with teams being built for the playoffs, Cleveland is such a team. Their two top starters in C.C. Sabathia and Fausto Carmona are beasts and they can easily ride them to victory. Their #3 starter in Jake Westbrook isn’t too shabby either and will be an effective starter come Game 3. Their offense is pretty solid, despite the down year had by their main slugger Travis Hafner. Grady Sizemore is their leadoff hitter and one of the true 5-tool players in the game today. He can hit for average, power, steal a base, plays stellar defense, and has a rocket of an arm. Victor Martinez and Ryan Garko anchor the middle of the lineup and both are good hitters for average with some pop in their bats. Their bullpen has a mix of situational-relievers and high powered arms, so if there’s one main weakness on this team, it’s getting mismatched against a certain Yankees hitter and having to pay dearly for it.

I see New York picking up the first game with Cleveland taking the second. Clemens will get hammered in his start back in New York and then Sabathia will outduel Wang in a Game 1 rematch, giving Cleveland the win in four games.

vs.

Boston is known for their high-powered offense and pitching. Led by David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez, their offense most certainly is formidable. But they aren’t the only two big bats, as Mike Lowell and Kevin Youkilis quietly put together very solid seasons. In fact, from top to bottom, this isn’t a bad hitting team at all and any pitcher who starts to throw junk to the bottom of the lineup will quickly learn to regret it. Their pitching staff is led by the Big Three: Josh Beckett, Curt Schilling, and Dice-K, all of whom have been dominant at times. Beckett is in the running for the Cy Young, Schilling has been great since coming off the DL, and Dice-K has shown flashes of brilliance this season. Their bullpen is rock solid as well, from Timlin to Okajima to Papelbon. And their defense was ranked second in the AL, so they don’t stand much of a chance of beating themselves.

On the other side of the field, we have the Angels, led offensively by Vlad Guerrero, Orlando Cabrera, and Chone Figgins. The bottom of their line-up is a bit rough to watch at times, but their young players at the bottom of the lineup do have some gap power. In fact, much of the lineup is good at stringing together a few doubles in a row, which can quickly add a few runs on the board. Their pitching isn’t quite on par with Boston’s, but it’s no chop liver. Led by the amazingly underrated John Lackey and Kelvim Escobar, they also have Jered Weaver in the #3 spot. Their bullpen isn’t what it used to be, but their closer Francisco Rodriguez is just as good as Papelbon and they have a few quality arms to bridge the gap from their starters to K-Rod.

The obvious pick here is Boston. They are slightly better in every category, from pitching to hitting to bullpens to defense. But notice I said “slightly.” There isn’t one category that they absolutely dominate in, other than maybe defense. Lackey is beatable in Fenway, where Game 1 happens to be played and Boston should win with Schilling on the mound in Game 2, but I could see Anaheim stealing the third game in which Dice-K pitches and then picking up Game 4 with Lackey back on the mound in Anaheim. That’d set up a Game 5 in Boston and I think Escobar could pull it off, giving the Angels a surprise victory in five.

vs.

Wow, I didn’t expect this. Had Boston played Cleveland and New York player Anaheim, I probably would have a Red Sox-Yankees matchup here. But seeing as how I have an Angels-Indians series here, that just goes to show how certain teams match up well against others. Since I see Cleveland winning in four games and Anaheim going five games, I think Cleveland will be much better off in terms of getting their pitching in order. Carmona will be able to pitch and win Game 1 for Cleveland before Lackey comes back to help win Game 2 for Anaheim. Escobar and Vlad power together to win Game 3, but Cleveland bounces back and picks up Games 4 & 5. The Angels tie things up in Game 6, but Cleveland seals the deal and wins in seven.

vs.

No way I thought either of these teams made the World Series back in March. I said it earlier and frankly I have no idea how this will shakedown, but I stand by my earlier prediction. Jamie Moyer finally get a ring and retires, Indian fans rejoice that their team is still young and will be competing for many years to come, the city of Philadelphia finally catches a break with one of their sports teams, and Philly pull of the huge victory and win in six games.

What makes this even more interesting is how despite being from the NL, I see the Phillies winning. The Indians will simply be too beat up to pull this thing off, thanks to their much stiffer competition and the Phillies healthy dose of luck. Such is the crazy world of baseball.

Matt Holliday clinched the Batting Title, RBI Title, MVP, and sent his team to the playoffs. All in one at bat.

Like I said yesterday, I think the Phillies are gonna win it all. But dear Lord, only a fool would gamble against Colorado at this point.

And I didn’t want to say anything this morning as to not jinx them, but the Phillies are gonna win it all this year. Mark it. They’re by far the best team in the NL field and once it comes to the World Series, well, then it just becomes a crap shot. If Rollins and Hamels play like stars they were this year, they win it.

Watch out for the Rockies though, granted they win tomorrow (which they should). Of screw it, I’ll review the whole damn playoff field tomorrow night once we know who’s in fact in and who’s playing who. But until then, GO PHILLIES!

Oh, and Mr. Favre? My mancrush on you has never been larger.

Man, NFL players get royally screwed come Pay Day.

As the 2007 baseball season comes to a close today, the Mediocre National League has a potential pickle of awesomeness on the verge of occurring. If the Padres lose and the Rockies, Mets, and Phillies all win (which are all easily doable when you look at who each team is playing), then we’ll have a four way tie for two different playoff spots. That noise you just heard was the sound of baseball fan’s heads exploding around the country. Don’t worry, they were mostly Diamondbacks’ fans. No real loss there.

Anybody who says baseball is boring has no soul. They also probably enjoy eating kittens. How can you not get excited when four teams are still fighting for two playoff spots on the last day of a regular season that is played for over 180 days. Sure, the teams might be average ones when compared to their counterparts that play in the juggernaut known as the American League, but it’s exciting nonetheless. But no worries, I won’t be thinking about those heartless bastards as I spend the entire afternoon trying to watch four different games at once while…

Wait, what? Today’s Sunday? Fox and CBS are showing nothing but meaningless Week 4 NFL games? Well that sucks. But certainly ESPN and ESPN2 have picked up the games, right? No? NO?

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?!?!

Look, I love football. I lost my voice this past Monday and Tuesday thanks to all my shouting and screaming during the Packers game last week. But hell, Brett Favre is on the verge of breaking the all-time TD record and yet all I can think about is baseball. It doesn’t help much that Fox is showing the riveting Rams-Cowboys matchup in my area. Who the hell dropped the ball on this one? Who honestly thought that people would rather watch the Ravens play whoever the hell they feel like losing to this week instead of watching some baseball games that are literally do-or-die. Win or fucking go home. People always bitch about playoff series that don’t go seven games or are a blowout because they’re not fun to watch. WELL THEN WATCH THE FOUR GAMES TODAY! OH WAIT, YOU CAN’T!

If you do happen to have the ability to watch any of the aforementioned games today, do it. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed. These games aren’t going to be managed like regular season games, they’re going to be crazy with pitcher changes, pinch hits, and that gay double switch that NL clubs seem to do all the time. They’re going to be played like game sevens of the World Series. Starting pitchers will be coming out of the bullpen. Star players might play a few innings out of position just to make sure they get another chance to crush a homer. And you can almost count on the fact that at least one player will horribly botch a play and cost his team a playoff spot. You just know it’s going to happen! But do I get to watch it? No. Of course not.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to see about getting the Mariners moved to the NL Central, where they would have won the division. Jesus, is the NL a crappy league or what? And yet here I am steaming over not being able to watch their games. Is baseball awesome, or what?

You treated Randy Johnson like shit and ultimately sold him off. Ken Griffey Jr. forced a trade out of town. Alex Rodriguez waved adios as he rode the money train to Texas. Edgar Martinez hung on as long as his hammies could hold up. And thus you finally realized that the only super-star remaining in Seattle is your face punching pal in Ichiro Suzuki. And you paid him accordingly. Brav-fucking-O. Now let’s go out there and fucking win this thing.

And please, for the love of God, don’t go into a tailspin like you do after every other time I make a Mariners post!

While working his way back to the majors in 2003, Beck pitched for the Triple-A Iowa Cubs and lived in his Winnebago parked just beyond the outfield fence. Fans would drop by for autographs and stay for a beer, and Beck became a folk hero. Then the Padres called.

Seriously, what pro athlete is that awesome anymore? In the age where most scrub players yet alone stars live in mansions far away from us normal folks and who act like they’ve done the planet a favor every time they sign an autograph, Beck would kick back and down a brew with you in his own home. That’s just kick ass. I can only imagine some of the stories that guy must have had. May he rest a little more in peace knowing that he never had to play for the Seattle Mariners.

How in the name of all things Holy do the Seattle Mariners have the 5th best record in baseball? (Fun Fact: The five highest ranked teams are in the American League. They might as well just let the National League start using aluminum bats and softballs.)

How is this possible? Are more than 15 teams on any given night getting losses added to their standings? I can see it now, the Nationals and Pirates are playing, the umps look into the stands to see only 18 people left (two of which are actually dead), and so they call the game and both teams take a loss thanks in part to their massive sucktitude. Is this a new rule that nobody told me about, because that’s about the only way I could see a scenario unfolding where the Mariners are where they are in the standings.

Richie Sexson’s batting average is the price of a Quarter Pounder, Ichiro is punching himself in the face, Jose Vidro is grounding into double plays despite hitting the ball to the warning track, the starting rotation has a combined ERA of 74 million, and nobody’s reminded King Felix that he’s the second coming of Christ. How in the hell is this team one of the better ranked teams in baseball? I’m serious here, I’m looking at the standings and adding up all the losses and wins, because I think somebody screwed up and just gave a bunch of teams a few extra notches in the L word category for no reason.

But fret not, my Seattle brethren, for we all know what is about to happen. The Mariners might even win a few more games before then, but come mid-July, our almost eerily naturally timed summer swoon will take place, the team will lose 90 out of 91 games (their lone win coming when George Steinbrenner eats the entire Yankees pitching staff in a fit of rage), and next summer we’ll be hearing our team name early in the draft! Don’t get me wrong, I still love the Mariners, following them with my same frenzied lust as always and watching most of their games on MLB.tv (the third greatest invention ever, behind the clapper and motorized toothbrushes. It’s actually about as reliable as those two as well.), but this is a horribly constructed baseball team that is even perplexing the fellas over at USSM. Dumb pure luck should no more be expected to last than that time I was Facebook God for a few hours (you know, I still don’t think I’ve told that story on here…) and any Mariners fan who is actually kidding themselves into thinking we have a shot at making the playoffs needs to spend a few hours with Ichiro in Cleveland.

That quote is never going to get old.

The Mariners were clearly not thrilled with the detour before opening a three-game series against the Chicago Cubs on Tuesday.

“To tell the truth, I’m not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to,” Ichiro said through an interpreter. “If I ever saw myself saying I’m excited going to Cleveland, I’d punch myself in the face, because I’m lying.”

[via USSMariner]

He told him he wasn’t gonna slide!

I didn’t realize Willie Mays Hays actually existed in real life. I also didn’t realize that high school baseball was so pathetic that they’d call this kid out over breaking some asinine rule about momentarily breaking free of the Earth’s gravitational pull or something.

And with that, today is King Felix day. If you own mlb.tv or Extra Innings on Direct TV, tune in to Seattle’s game tonight and prepare to be impressed.

If you asked a large group of well educated, attentive baseball fans what teams have sucked the most over the past few years and a few obvious choices come to mind. The Royals have sucked ever since the fall of the Soviets, the Pirates haven’t had a winning team since the hottest band was the New Kids On The Block. And I think the highest moment in Devil Rays history was when they played a local high school team and squeaked out a 5-4 victory.

But if you take it one step further and ask which team has spent the most money and still managed to suck? “Oh, well that’s a no brainer,” they’ll tell you. It would take them all of five seconds to introduce you to the Seattle Mariners.

The past five years have been absolutely gut wrenching. The previous three are obvious, as they’ve floundered in last place no matter what the calendar shows. But even the two years prior, when they won 93 games each year and still didn’t make the playoffs. Since the introduction of the Wild Card over a decade ago, no team has won more games and still not made the post season. Yet the Mariners did it two years in a row.

Those 2002 and 2003 teams just ripped your heart out. Nobody actually expected the Mariners to contend these past few ears, myself included (go look at the old posts I made here on Shyzer to see for yourself). But after the 2001 season, anything seemed possible. They had just won 116 games, made it to the ALCS, and had a great core of talent.

And then things just fell apart. Players started to show their age. New talent didn’t perform to expectations. And ownership was petrified at making any changes that would “upset” the fanbase. So what did that get us? Two teams that absolutely crumbled down the stretch to the point that in August of each year, they went from first place to a distance second and a far away third. And then they just tanked for another three seasons.

Every April, fans like to feel optimistic about a team’s chances at winning. And yet Seattle fans know not to bother this time around. Our team is still horrible. We have the worst manager in baseball, our best player will either get traded away this summer or leave (please, Ichiro, prove me wrong….I handled Griffey getting traded away. I swallowed watching Cameron walk to another team. I even stomached Buhner retiring. But I don’t know if I can actually watch you play in another team’s uniform…), we have some of the worst contracts in baseball (Yeah, I’m talking about you Sexson, Weaver, and Washburn!), and we have the absolute worst front office management. Don’t believe me? Just goggle “Rafael Soriano trade” or “Chris Snelling trade” and read what most baseball people had to say about the Mariners when they traded away two of their best young and talented players this past winter.

And yet that line up above has given me a reason to love baseball all over again. The King, Felix Hernandez, at the ripe old age of 21 years and a few days old, is showing the world that he’s for real. No more prospect. No more potential. We’re talking about real life, Johan Santana-esqu pitching. Last night’s game on ESPN2 was billed as being a huge Dice-K vs. Ichiro matchup, but the fine folks over at USSMariner had this to say before the game started:

haven’t been this excited for a game in years. As my friends will attest, I get a bit giddy on Felix day anyways, and well, this is no ordinary Felix day. This is the leading contender for 2007 Game of the Year.

The media is going to run with Matsuzaka-Ichiro as the big story, which should be expected. The matchup will open the game, and Ichiro is the most famous player on the roster. Oh, and he happens to be from Japan, or so I’ve heard. Since it’s Boston, the focus of the story will be on Matsuzaka’s first start at Fenway. The $102 million right arm takes the hill in front of Red Sox Nation for the first time. And the leadoff hitter happens to be his countrymate. It writes itself.

But in four hours, there’s a good chance that Ichiro and Matsuzaka won’t be the story to come out of this game. This is King Felix’s first start in Fenway, too. Red Sox Nation has never seen him pitch, either, and it’s his first major league start as a 21 year old. It’s a nationally televised game – only the second one of his career.

On opening day, Felix told the city of Seattle that the hype was real, and that he wasn’t the baby faced overweight kid anymore, but now he was coming after Johan Santana’s crown. Tonight, Felix has a chance to tell the rest of America.

Daisuke Matsuzaka is the second best pitcher taking the hill tonight. Go get em, Felix.

Chances are, you know how that prediction turned out. But in case you haven’t turned on a TV or tuned in to your favorite talk radio show or even can’t read the box line above, let me break it down for you. Felix decimated the mighty Red Sox, to the tune of one hit. One God Damn hit, thank you very much Harry Doyle. Hell, head on over to Google News and type in Felix’s name. People are STILL talking about it. You’ll be lucky to find an article older than a day old by page 24. But don’t just take my word or some random sports journalist’s opinion for it. How about hearing from some of the players who he’s dominated so far this season.

“Felix Hernandez is twice as good as I had heard. The only guy I think I’ve ever seen dominate that much that young in a game was Dwight Gooden. He looks healthy and if he stays healthy Santana’s going to get a run for his money this year.” – Curt Schilling

“That kid can have a career like Roger Clemens, Nolan Ryan or Pedro Martinez…If he behaves and takes care of himself, he can be somebody really big in this game. He’s very powerful as a pitcher. I don’t think I’ve seen anything like that in a long time.” – David Ortiz

“When you face a guy like that, you tip your cap and you go into the next day really trying to forget about what happened” – J.D. Drew

Mark my words, if King Felix stays healthy this year, he wins the Cy Young. And that, my friends, is what makes following the Mariners and, for that matter baseball, simply awesome. Your team might suck. They might show few signs of getting better. They might even have the worst #2, #3, #4, and #5 pitchers in baseball.

But then when they have a pitcher like King Felix, every five days you can forget all about that. Ever fifth day, you can sit back, crack open a beer, and stare in awe as he reminds you all over again why you love baseball.

Every fifth day, King Felix makes baseball fun again. And for that, I’ll never be able to thank him enough.

What more needs be said? Baseball is back and suddenly the world is right again. Sometimes I amaze even myself by thinking about how I survive such a cold and barren winter every year.

I guarantee any ad agency out there that I could come up with a better commercial than any we’ve seen during the first half of the Super Bowl so far. Just contact me with via e-mail with “$$$$$$$$$$” in the subject line.

So CBS is airing the Super Bowl this year and decide to pull a page out of FOX’s “How To Fuck Up A Broadcast” playbook by using cameras that fog up every 12 seconds. I just stuffed an old rag in an envelope and addressed it to Miami.

Did I mention Favre is COMING BACK FOR ANOTHER SEASON?!

The older I’ve gotten, the less and less I’ve enjoyed the Super Bowl. There’s a problem when the game is being played mere days before catchers and pitchers report to Spring Training. If the NFL wanted to cut down on all the damn hype and move the game back a week, I’d be glad to start spreading the word.

FAVRE IS COMING BACK FOR ANOTHER FUCKING SEASON! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

After tonight’s coverage of the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, FOX has officially sealed its rank as the network with the worst sports coverage. Ever.

Do you enjoy good camera work? How about quick replays of recent important or big plays? Or how about a non-cluttered screen with few sound effects? Then stay away from FOX!

With all the graphics, sounds, and flashes every few seconds, you’d think the powers that be over at FOX were trying to give their viewers an epileptic seizure. Maybe they have a vested stock interest in the leading pharmaceutical company out there. My siblings racked up three months worth of being grounded before I realized that the culprits weren’t them, but instead was FOX.

Almost every replay they showed happened to be through a camera angle where the action was off screen. I can’t tell you the amount of times I watched a replay, turned to my buddy Jeff, and asked him why we were just shown a clip of two players blocking each other near the sideline. The few replays they actually did manage to show which contained some action happened to also be covered with a bare minimum of advertisements and graphics on one third of the screen. It’s such an enjoyable viewing experience when an explosive play is covered by a Nissan ad for a car nobody’s interested in!

But the real kicker had to be the camera angles. I’ve never seen such poor camera work throughout an entire game in my life. It was as if they had only two settings to choose from – nosebleed and ground level. On every play, I was either squinting to see which player had the ball or trying to identify the nose hair shown on the screen. I did enjoy all the aerial coverage of the indoor dome they were playing in, though! Maybe next time you could install a camera underground and show me the dirt beneath the 50 yard line?

FOX, I understand you’re trying to be innovative and fresh. You gave us the yellow first down line and the glowing puck, which are awesome. But there’s a fine line between a cool, new feature and pissing off your viewers.

And I’m pissed.

EDIT: Wow. Holy Shit, wow. One of the best endings to a football game I’ve ever seen was the only redeeming factor that saved FOX tonight. I love Trickeration plays. I love teams like Boise State who run 20000 Trickeration plays in a row even more.

May you soon be fired along with Mike Hargrove and rot in hell.

Merry Christmas.

And then I saw the way Detroit raced back onto the field to share their celebration with the fans after they beat New York and I instatly knew who I wanted to go all the way. Most teams jump around on the field for a minute, then run in the locker room and celebrate by themselves, leaving the fans cheering in the stands until they get tired and finally leave to go party at the bars. But Detroit got inside, looked at each other, and said to hell with this, let’s go celebrate with the fans. And before you knew it, 25 guys were racing around the stadium, high fiving every average joe they saw and pouring champagne over anybody who got close enough.

It took all of 30 seconds for the entire nation to go from “Who are these guys?” to “Man, I wish I was a Tigers fan.”

Go Tigers!!!

Hockey is alright. I love watching Olympic hockey, where the rinks are wider and the play is much more fluid, but for the most part I haven’t been a fan of American hockey for the better part of the past eight years. Soccer? Ok, I’ll admit, I’m a big fan. Maybe it was all the years of playing soccer as a kid or maybe it was watching Brandy Chastain strip on the field after making her shot against the Chinese, but somewhere along the line I fell in love with watching a good game of soccer. And I think we all know my thoughts and feelings on baseball.

So with that said, how in the hell did June 2006 morph into one of the best all around months for sports?

Seriously, I can’t think of another month where five major sporting events took place that I was fully invested in. If I liked golf, that number could have been six, but who in their right mind can watch a bunch of guys play golf?

Six games of the basketball finals? I watched each one. Seven Stanly Cup finals games? Ditto. World Cup? College World Series? Mariners baseball? I haven’t missed a beat.

The basketball finals were great to watch simply because I didn’t know Gary Payton was still in the league on Miami’s roster. I remember back in 1996 when Payton led the SuperSonics to the finals against Jordan and trust me, that feat alone almost sucked me into the basketball world. Needless to say, I was damn happy to finally see him win a ring this year. As for hockey, man oh man was that a good series. I found it oddly pleasing that the Carolina’s first pro championship came in hockey. That’s right, in a place where football, baseball, and basketball rule the land and where a grand total of 19 people have ever played ice hockey, the freaking Carolina Hurricanes are the first to bring home a championship. Suck on that, Panthers.

Despite America’s performance, the World Cup’s been a beauty to watch. Sure, the usual suspects are the only teams remaining and it isn’t over yet, but up to now anybody who’s watched a game can’t admit it hasn’t been entertaining. Okay, I take that back, there are plenty of Americans who will whine it’s been boring, but they just don’t get the sport. The College World Series was also great, even if the Gamecocks were eliminated far too early. I started cheering for Oregon State when I saw the stat flash across the screen that the school’s only other championship came back in the 1970s in the oh-so riveting sport of Cross Country. Hell, I ran CC for a few years and even I would be disappointed if that was my school’s only championship. Luckily for those Beavers, however, they beat UNC in resounding fashion to claim the title.

But to be completely honest, the best event of all has been the entire past month of Seattle Mariners’ baseball. On May 30th they were 22-32. Now? 40-39, an improvement of eleven games. I’ll be the first to admit it might not last and that on July 29th, I might be lamenting of what could have been. But the pure fact that they are currently only two games out of first place and that I haven’t seen the Mariners win like this in over three years translates into me watching and enjoying every damn game recently. MLB.tv is a great asset in moments like these and I would like to take this time to personally thank the NL West for all the hospitality they’ve shown the Mariners over the course of this season. It’s not every year an entire division rolls over and plays dead just so Seattle can get some much needed wins. God, if you’re listening, I’ll order a few more 17-7 months for the Mariners, if you don’t mind.

And with that, tonight’s first pitch was four minutes ago and I’ll be damned if I’m missing more Mariners baseball. Adios folks.

And even at halftime, I can’t figure out who I want to win this game. I love Bill Cowher and the Steelers are fun to watch, but I can’t help but hope the Seahawks win as well – if for no other reason than to bring my many fellow Mariners fans some joy. Seattle has been a city of sports futility over the past thirty years and maybe if the Hawks can win, some of the winning spirit will rub back off on the M’s. God knows they could use it.

Then again, maybe I’m just pulling that out of my ass and reaching for straws since the upcoming season doesn’t look too promising.

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In fact, there are so many things that I would love to buy for Shyzer (like, say, renew my Tag-Board license that is about to expire, get an advanced stat tracker, upgrade my hosting plan so that I can host more videos and pictures, and buy some discounted advertising space on a few big sites through my connections) but don’t have the extra money to spend. Which is why advertising is a helpful tool. I’d never want to rely on donations to Shyzer or force people to pay for the drivel I put on here, because I’m not even sure I would pay myself to write for a living.

And now, in keeping with my recent theme of jumping from one topic to the next, how about some baseball related news. It looks like I’ll get a chance to play 2nd and 1st grade this weekend since hardly anybody is here over the break. Any good luck sent my way will definitely be appreciated, because I sucked it up at the plate last weekend. I liked to blame it on the fact that we use wooden bats, but I can’t really pull that argument off since I didn’t keep my head down or take any pitches. They say that hitting is a skill that must be practiced year round. The general rule of thumb is if you take over a month off from baseball or hitting, you loose 6 months worth of progress and unfortunately for me, it’s been over a year since I’ve faced live pitching. The batting cages are about to become the next character added to the Aussie Cast section.

And speaking of baseball, it’s been ten days and I’ve somehow not talked about the Mariners. I had somebody actually ask me in a recent e-mail if I followed the Mariners anymore and I was stunned. As I wrote them back, I let them know that while I sat there typing to them, I was wearing a Mariners hat and T-shirt while tossing a baseball to myself in-between paragraphs. Just because they had an off year (if you can even call 99 losses an off year) does not warrant dropping ten years of blind allegiance. How can one not be excited about a team that signed Beltre and Sexson this past off season? Sure, Sexson brings with him health risks, but we got the best 3B in Beltre when you consider the fact that he’s only 25 and has been playing in the majors since he was 19. Oh yeah, and he led the league in homeruns last year. You know, just a fun little stat that some people follow. Sure, the Mariners will be lucky if they can win more games than they lose this year, but Seattle was clearly in rebuilding mode after last season. And I’m not talking about one of those Cleveland Indians 5 year rebuild modes either, I’m talking about the 1-year speed rebuild. The hitting is finally there. Grab a pitcher this off season, move Moyer and Boone off the books, bring up King Felix (#1 minor league pitching prospect whose currently in AAA…AND NINETEEN), and make a race for the playoffs.

But does that mean I’m not interested in this season since they have no shot at the playoffs? God no. I sat on MLB.com yesterday for a good five minutes watching the same video clip over and over. Listening to the crack of the bat as Sexson hit a double into the gap against Texas sent chills down my back. Watching the ball fly off this bat and drop between two helpless fielders was like was staring at my version of Van Gogh. Baseball is finally back and I can’t wait to be in Seattle with Chong this July to see a game. It’s been too long since I’ve been to Safeco.

I know I’m a few weeks late on this, but my vacationing led to a very erratic and unpredictable Internet connections, which meant that I only had a few minutes at best to type up a post for Shyzer recently and this seemed to warrant a little more than just a “Hey, doesn’t this suck?” type of gloss over. I simply wanted to say Farewell to Reggie White. Reggie was easily one of my most favorite football player of all time. Being a huge Packers fan might have had a little something to do with it, but Reggie was loved far and wide by almost every football fan. There was no way you could hate the guy, even if he was sacking your teams quarterback at that very moment. He, together with Favre, restored Green Bay to respectability and glory by unexpectedly signing with the Packers when they were among the league’s laughing stocks. But more importantly, Reggie was one of the greatest men off the field. His community service and support was second to none and I know I speak for thousands of people out there when I say you will be missed Reggie. I’ll never forget what you did for the Packers and for that, I thank you dearly.

10 days ago you were three outs from being eliminated. So you decided to win eight games in a row. The Marlins last year were just scrappy and took advantages of other teams mistakes. You guys were simply pure heart who willed yourself to victory.

Congratulations Boston. I think you’ve earned this one.

Just a few things to get off my chest.

1. Yes, the Red Sox just completed the biggest comeback ever in the history of baseball. Yes, Curt Schilling performed one of the most amazing feats in sports I have ever witnessed. But please, don’t try and say this was one of the best series ever. The comeback was historic, the Yankees’ meltdown was momentous, but for all of that, it didn’t have the drama and excitement that the 2001 World Series had. I’m sorry, but that series still reigns high atop the “Best Series Ever” category. People seem to forget that back then, the Yankees had never fallen. They were still the powerful giant of old who didn’t lost close games and who knew it. Out of all seven games in that series, not a single one of them was a blowout and the entire series went back and forth and back and forth…that series, my friends, was of epic proportions. This series was just fun to watch.
2. And no, these have not been the “Best Playoffs Ever.” Do people not remember last year? Or 2002 for that matter?? In order to win this title, the entire playoffs as a whole have to be amazing. There wasn’t even a riveting series out of the four divisional series this year, especially compared to last year! Last year we had the Marlins-Giants, the Bosox-Athletics, and even the Braves-Cubs. This year, we had a bunch of boring, flat series. And people are calling this the best ever? Oh how quickly we forget.
3. “The Curse” hasn’t been lifted just yet folks. I’m telling you this, if Houston makes the World Series, they will win it like I said at the start of these playoffs. There is a serious possibility that Roger Clemens could pitch and win the decisive game against his former Boston team almost 10 years after they traded him away since he was “washed up.” If that doesn’t have “The Curse” written all over it, I don’t know what does.
4. And finally, why has nobody seemed to care about the NLCS? Tomorrow night we’re heading into a game 7 for Christ sake and people don’t even know it’s going on!

And after reading all that, it almost sounds as if I wasn’t in my living room each and every night telling Fellner “So what if a professional sports team in any sport has never overcome an 0-3 deficit in 238 attempts? There’s a first time for everything.” It sounds as if I didn’t stay up every night to watch every inning of every game. It sounds as if I didn’t jump on IM and send a message to every single person who was on-line telling them how exciting this series was to watch. I. Hate. The. Yankees. Case closed. So thank you Boston for giving me even more reason to smile tomorrow. Look, I’ll put these playoffs in the top 10 ever for sure and I won’t argue with anybody who tries to say this was one of the top series they have ever seen, but people just toss around the title “Best Playoffs Ever” and “Best Series Ever” far too generously.

But seriously, go Astros =)

*Note #2. I typed this before any of the playoff games started so as not to influence my prediction*

It has begun. The ever so sweet, succulent, fulfilling joy of playoff baseball has finally come full circle and I for one couldn’t be happier. October truly is the best month of them all when it comes to sports, for not only do you have playoff baseball, but you also begin to separate the men from the boys in football.

I’m still not sold on any one team though. Last year, I knew the Marlins were going to win it from the beginning. They had the perfect mixture of skill, hunger, depth to pull off the upset and I honestly think I was the happiest non-Marlins fan to see them win it all last year. You could just sense from the aura they gave off that they wanted it and by God they were going to get it, just like you could with the Angels the year before. I think I was the only person in the country rooting for them to beat the Cubs and it was funny to see how everybody thought the Yankees were going to win since they “only” had to beat the Marlins. Oh how they were wrong. (And side note, I’m so damn happy the Cubs didn’t make the playoffs. Is there any other team that seems to have less fun playing ball or play with less intensity then the Cubs? You know, it wouldn’t hurt to smile here and there guys. You are playing baseball, remember? Maybe not going to the playoffs this year will teach ya a thing or two…)

But this year is a bit different. Out of the eight teams, I’ve only been able to narrow it to three. The Houston Astros, Minnesota Twins, and Boston Red Sox. The Yankees are too flaky and are on the verge of collapse, the Angels aren’t that strong offensively after Vlad, the Dodgers need more hitting and lots of it, the Cardinals pitching won’t be able to win a 7-game series, and the Braves just…well, suck. They always lose. Always.

The Bo Sox are trying to ride two dominate pitchers to win it all in Curt Schilling and Pedro Martinez. It’s worked before (ie, the 2001 Diamondbacks with Curt Schilling and Randy Johnson in what has been voted as one of the best World Series of all time) so there is some precedent for this method being able to work. But my problem is this…it’s the Red Sox. They always find a way to lose. I’m not trying to kick them while their down, but hey, it has been 86 years. So until they prove otherwise, I have to rule them out. I think they’ll knock out Anaheim with relative ease, but win the World Series? I don’t know…(But God, how awesome would that be if I was wrong?!)

The Twins are easily the “worst” team in the playoffs, yet they have probably the best pitcher, Johan Santana. This guy went 13-0 after the All-Star break. He didn’t lose a game. Not one. Oh yeah, and that’s never been done before. Not once. The man is a beast and I think it will be because of him alone that Minnesota knocks off New York in the first round and face Boston in the ALCS, but I question whether or not they have the depth to win a best-of-7 series. So I think Boston knocks them off and advances to the World Series.

And enter, The Houston Astros. See, here’s why I’m going with Houston. They’ve got a little mixture of the 2003 Marlins AND the 2001 Diamondbacks. A month ago, nobody, and I mean NOBODY thought they would be in the playoffs. And then out of freaking nowhere, they win something like 18 out of 20 games, come roaring back from the dead, and snatch the Wild Card! That is extremely Marlin-esque. But they also have the players needed to win a championship. Roger Clemens and Roy Oswalt are a pretty damn good 1-2 pitching lineup and their offense with Beltran, Berkman, Bagwell, and Biggio is killer.

So here’s how I see it all playing out. In the AL, Minnesota beats NY in 5 games. Boston beats Anaheim in 4 games. Boston beats Minnesota in 6 games.

In the NL, Houston beats Atlanta in 5, St. Louis beats Los Angeles in 3. Houston then beats St. Louis in 6 and to wrap it all up, Houston wins the World Series in 7 games.

Now let’s have some fun and see how this baby turns out.

The team captains were called out for the coin toss and the Packers won the toss. They opted to receive and before I knew it, the game was underway!

Their first drive of the game actually resulted in a punt, but you could tell they were happy with the results nonetheless. The drive lasted for over five minutes and they had virtually run straight at the Panthers’ defense the entire drive, proving that their D was in fact weaker then many had expected. They ended up being only five or ten yards shy of field goal range. Green Bay’s defense trotted out onto the field, managing to hold Carolina to only one first down and forcing them to punt. As Green Bay took possession of the ball again, they again went back to pounding the defense with the run. However, this drive led to one of the wackiest plays of the night.

Ahmad Green (Green Bay’s RB) carried the ball up the middle on a 3rd and 1. As he was tackled and thrown to the bottom of the heap, the ball popped out of the pile unbeknownst to any of the Panthers’ players. Green Bay’s Javon Walker fell out of the pile and saw the ball sitting on the ground, so he knelt to pick it up, glanced to his right and left twice to make sure nobody saw him, and then started sprinting down the field. It dawned on the Carolina secondary that “hey, this play might actually still be live,” so the caught up with Walker about 11 yards down the field and brought him down. Alex and I were going absolutely nuts. All of the Panthers fans around us were screaming bloody murder saying that Green was down and that the refs sucked, blah, blah, blah.

Carolina decided to challenge the run and say that Green hadn’t fumbled the ball, which meant that the head ref had to go check out the peep show instant replay box and see what actually happened. After a few minutes, he jogged back into the middle of the field, turned on his microphone, and proceeded to shove all the whining down the Panthers fan’s throats. The ruling on the field stood, Carolina was charged with a timeout, and somewhere along here Alex and I embraced in what might have been a questionably too long of a hug. However, we were soon screaming at Green Bay’s head coach Mike Sherman in anger as he opted to kick the field goal in a 4th and inches situation!

Let’s see, the Panthers have been unable to stop the run all night. Ahmad Green has yet to run up the left or right side without gaining at least five yards. The Panthers’ defense is being held together with duct tape and piano wiring. It’s still early in the game and you’re on the Carolina 26 already. Idiot…

At least the Packers drew first blood. Heading into the second quarter, the Packers still clung to a 3-0 lead, but this was all about to suddenly change. After a few more futile possessions by both sides, the Panthers finally remembered that they were the defending NFC champions and that they were supposed to still be at least halfway decent this year. The Packers on the other hand decided that they would help Carolina out by being penalized twice on 3rd down; both of which the Panthers failed to gain the first down on their own. Carolina QB Jack Delhomme finally started not sucking and made a few passes, which combined with the GB penalties, earned Carolina a TD. 7-3 Carolina. Uh-oh.

My phone started ringing off the hook. Panthers and Packers fans alike started calling me:

“HAHAH! Your team sucks!”
“Dude, we’re LOSING!”
“I bet you feel stupid for spending all that money just to watch your Packers lose!”
“I can’t find the bananas I bought this morning!!! Oh, and I see the Packers are losing. Bummer.”

But it was all-good. Never once did I lose faith. Never. I swear. For you see, the moment I had been waiting for my entire life occurred. Brett Favre sprang into action. 5 yard pass here. 13 yard pass there. They only reached 3rd down once and that was a 3rd and 1. Then, BOOM, 24 yard pass followed immediately by Green running it up the middle. Favre seemed to have all the time in the world back there too. Green Bay’s offensive line easily manhandled the Panthers and only once or twice did Favre have to roll out of the pocket and fire on the run. He was saving that for later =)

Before Carolina knew what hit them, they were down 10-7 again. It was around this point that Green Bay decided they were threw toying around with Carolina. Carolina had about 3:30 left on the clock to try and score before the half and they decided to go for the Packers’ weak spot…the pass. Green Bay was weak against the pass last year. I’ll admit it, they’ll admit it, everybody’ll admit it. But during the off season, they beefed up their secondary with high draft picks and it was during this drive that Carolina decided to test them. Delhomme had a few long passes swatted down, but after that, he found a rhythm in completing those little dump passes for seven or eight yards. Green Bay let them march down most of the field before finally stopping them and preserving their 10-7 lead going into the half.

Lee met Alex and me down at the concession stands and once we had grabbed some refreshments and high-fived every Packers fan we saw, we went back up to our seats. Lee came and joined us this time since there were some open spaces next to me and since the Carolina fans around him were dicks. Like I said before, Green Bay had already decided they were going to win this game. Now it was time to prove it. They kicked off the ball to Carolina, let them run two plays, and then all hell broke loose.

On the ensuing play, Green Bay brought upon Delhomme the wraths of hell as they rushed him from all sides. Carolina’s O-line collapsed faster then a house of cards and within seconds, Delhomme realized he was screwed. He tried to turn and tuck the ball, but Green Bay was far too fast for him as two players converged on him at the same time, forcing a fumble. Aaron Kampman of the Packers dove on the ball for the first turnover of the game.

Ecstatic screaming doesn’t even come close to what was occurring in section 538, row 34. I swear, I thought I was going to fall over the concrete wall behind us because I was jumping so high. We were going CRAZY! And the best part was that the Panthers fans were silent. Not a single noise could be heard out of them at all, which kind of leads me to my next point.

Carolina fans are just too…fickle? I mean, sure, the place was roaring as the Panthers were entering the stadium, but after Green Bay took that 3-0 lead, at least 50% of them sat down never to stand again. By the second half, Packers fans could smell the blood and I am not exaggerating one bit when I say they easily began to out cheer the Panther fans. And I don’t mean in the sense that the Packers fans were loud enough to make the Panther fan’s cheers inaudible. I mean the entire stadium was ringing with the Packers classic “GO PACK GO” chant. Every time we cheered that, however, the Packers had a horrible play, but that’s beside the point. It just did not feel like an away game. There were so many Packers fans around that I could have honestly guessed this game was being played at like a neutral site in Denver and there just happened to be a 50 / 50 of Panthers / Packers fans. Not once did I see Panthers fans just stand up and start cheering. The jumbotron had to tell them on 3rd downs to stand and support their team. It just felt as if they didn’t even care.

Anyways, Green Bay went on to score another touchdown led by Ahmad Green and suddenly the Packers have a nice 17-7 lead! After Carolina received the ball back, they were pretty much held in check before Delhomme finally found a receiver deep and connected with him for a 34 yard pass. Suddenly, the Panthers were back in scoring range and threatening to make this a game yet again. In steps The Defense.

On the very next play, Delhomme dropped back and found what he thought was a smart pass to make. He launched the ball to one of his receivers, but the ball was a little behind the guy, so he had to turn to try and make the catch. He bobbled the ball a time or two and before he knew what hit him, Nick Barnett swooped in and stole the ball from him for an interception! By now my voice was gone from all the screaming I had done so far and yet here I was still hollering as loud as my voice would go for the Packers. The atmosphere was just unbelievable. Panthers fans started leaving and Packers fans were just tearing the place up!

The Packers yet again drove back down the field, but this time, Favre decided to showcase one of his patented plays just for us since he knew we were there watching. They reached the 3 yard line before the Panthers finally started to play some defense and before we knew it, it was 3rd and goal. Favre called a timeout because he didn’t like what he saw, had a little meeting with the guys, and pulled out one of the sweetest plays I have grown accustomed to him making. Favre took the ball and dropped back, faking a handoff to Green and settling into the pocket. As the play around him quickly began to fall apart, he turned to his left only to find a defensive player coming straight towards him. He quickly rolled back to his right and began streaking sideways looking for anybody open in the end zone. As he soon ran out of real estate, he noticed that even though Green, being covered by three defenders, he was open just a little bit since both he and Favre were running in the same direction. While sprinting to his right with two defenders only a step behind him, Favre threw a bullet to Green in the corner of the end zone as all three defenders covering him just stood there stunned. TD Packers, 24-7, Game Over, Nice try Carolina.

I didn’t even scream or cheer. I just stood there in awe, hands clasped together in front of my face, trying to fuse that play somewhere in my mind where it would never be erased. Here I was, watching the single greatest reason I am a football fan perform a play that only a handful of people on this Earth could pull off. Here I was, watching Favre be Favre and all I could say was “Wow.”

Green Bay went on to win the game 24-14 (they gave up a late TD that they didn’t really care about since their defensive replacements were in) and took away the victory. Jubilation and celebration quickly ensued there in Ericsson Stadium since about 75% of the Panthers fans had left while almost all of the Packers fans had stayed. Lee, Alex, and myself could be found screaming and cheering all the way back to our cars as we ran up to drivers and passengers with Packers hats, exchanged embraces with complete strangers, and chanted many upon many random cheers.

The drive home wasn’t too bad and I was in bed by 4 AM, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care at all about the two exams I had the next day that I had yet to study for (I earned an A and a B on them by the way, so I don’t want to hear any lip out of anybody). I didn’t care that I had just spent a ton of money for a football game. Hell, I even think that was the first night that none of the other problems and worries I’ve been having over the past few months popped in my head.

I had just seen the Packers kick the living crap out of the Panthers with one of the biggest Packers fans I know and my oldest and best friend. There was no time for worrying =)

Let’s see, where to begin? Went to class…dozed off…class over…repeat three more times…time for the game! I rushed home, grabbed my ticket, made sure I was dressed in all the Packers gear I own, and bolted out the door. I drove over to Lee’s apartment to see if he still wanted to go and was pleased to see that he still wanted to go, even though he had no ticket. That my friends, is the true measure of a fan. We were on the road by 5:15 and in Charlotte by 6:30. I honestly don’t even remember much about the drive up there. I swear to God it felt as if it took maybe fourteen seconds total to make the trip. I think I blacked out from all the euphoria I was experiencing from the realization that I was about to see the Packers.

Surprisingly enough, close, cheap parking was easy to find in an underground garage and as we made our way back up to street level, we began to nice something was a little off. Maybe for every two or three Panthers fan we passed, we’d see at least one Packers fan. I’ve never high-fived so many strangers in my life then I did during the two-block walk to the stadium and by the time

I’d been talking to Alex via cell phone every 15 minutes or so and eventually we found each other. We made a game plan of (A) Finding Lee a ticket (B) Getting some beverages and (C) Taking a urination stop. B and C were easy enough, but A….let’s just say that the scalpers there were a little out of their mind. It was still two hours before kickoff, so they figured they could try to scalp high. $200 was the minimum bid of the upper level seats and Lee just wasn’t having any of that. We walked around a little bit, relaxing and talking to all the Packers fans / hotties we could find, which wasn’t too hard. There were quite a few intoxicated individuals walking around trying to pick up some women, which led to some of the funniest pick-up lines I have ever heard. This one guy held up a beer offering it to the first woman to come talk to him. An equally intoxicated lady walked over to him and he just looked at her, gave her the beer, and said in this long, drawn out voice “You’re….hot.” Surprisingly, she just took the beer and left. Go figure.

As game time approached, we went back to Sleazy Corner for the twentieth time to try and purchase Lee a ticket. As Lee haggled with one guy, I walked over to some other guys to see what they were selling and Alex started darting around like a pro. He was moving around, talking to five different guys at a time, sniffing out the slightest hint of weakness and desperation. He finally turned and gave me “the look” and I went to grab Lee and bring him over. By the time we had gotten there, Alex had become best friends with the guy and was talking to him as if he was some long-lost friend. That’s why Alex is such a cool guy. He can be friends with anybody. Anybody. The guy eventually sold Lee a ticket for cheaper then what Alex and I had actually paid for ours and as we turned around to enter the stadium, we just all looked at each other and started going crazy.

We ran into the stadium, grabbed some food and drinks, and started screaming with every Packers fan we came in contact with. While in line at the ATM, we befriended some Packers fans who happened to be in our section as well. Turns out there were a lot of Packers fans in the same section as us =) We eventually found our seats and Lee happened to be in the section right next to us, so we didn’t have to part ways until right before the game started.

As Alex and I found our seats, we realized that we had some unique seats. For me, location field wise is much more important then how low or close we are to the action. I’ll take an upper deck, mid field ticket any day over a bottom section, end zone ticket. Maybe being tall and looking down on people has something to do with it, but I enjoy being high up. I feel like I can see everything and as long as I’m not in some ancient stadium that wasn’t planned well for those in the upper desk (ie Soldier Field until it was renovated, etc.) I’m happy. Well Alex and I had seats that were on the 10-yard line and in the highest row possible. We both thought they were damn awesome. We had a huge concrete slab behind us, so we were able to stand the entire game and not piss people off behind us (for some reason, Panthers fans like to sit and be quiet…but I’ll get to that in Part II) and we could see everything on the field. We had a sweet view of downtown Charlotte as well and I honestly couldn’t have been happier with our seats.

As the countdown finally reached zero, Alex and I just turned and started cheering as loud as humanly possible. The PA system sprang to life as the Packers began to sprint out onto the field. As I stood there cheering loud and hard, it finally hit me. The Packers were about to play live in front of me. The dream Alex and I had always talked about since 4th grade was finally being lived. Every year we discussed how badly we wanted to go see the Packers and how amazing it would be to see Favre play in person and yet, we never managed to make our plans materialize. Well not this time. There I stood, next to my oldest and best friend, screaming at the top of our lungs, and waiting to see #4 run out onto that field.

It was just like I had imagined it and it was truly a feeling I’ll never forget.

Jesus Christ, I can’t tell you how excited I am right now! In less then 7 hours, I will be in Charlotte watching the Packers…..

Okay, I think you get the picture. My traffic over the past twenty-four hours has easily quadrupled from searches exactly like those or similar ones. So I figured that since so many people are coming here looking for pictures along those lines, I might as well oblige these random people who will most likely never come back to Shyzer again. But I figure that maybe, just maybe, one or two of them might stick around, so it’s worth it to me.

Not that I had any pictures of them on my computer or anything…. =)

I first began following the Mariners back in 1992. The likes of their roster back then included players such as Edgar, Omar Vizquel, Ken Griffey Jr, Jay Buhner, Tino Martinez, Mike Blowers, and Harold Reynolds. Over the years, every single player from that team’s roster was released, traded, or retired. Except for Edgar.

Edgar was the staple that recent Mariners fans were used to seeing. Since joining the team in 1986, he’s never played for a single other team. He’s been a member of a rare and elite bred along with the likes of Tony Gwynn, Cal Ripken Jr., and Barry Larkin. He’s not once tried to place money ahead of loyalty, he not once tried to hold the team ransom for a pay raise, and he’s not once ever passed on the opportunity to help out the community and those around him. Instead, he showed up to work every day, usually before the required time, worked as hard as any player there, and returned home to spend the rest of his evenings with his wife and children. His career numbers ranks him as the best DH to ever play the game, having racked up a career batting average of .312, 2,205 hits, 510 doubles, 1,244 RBIs, 1,272 walks, 1,203 runs, 305 home runs, and a .420 on-base percentage. So you can see the Edgar wasn’t just a fan favorite. He was a perennial All-Star player who year in and year our lifted the Mariners onto his back and carried them as far as he could.

If you ask any Mariners fan of their favorite baseball moment, you’re likely to hear Game 5 of the 1995 Divisional Playoffs. It was the first year Seattle had ever made the playoffs in their entire team’s history and in the best of 5 series; they were pitted against the dreaded New York Yankees. In what seemed like a flash, the Mariners lost the first two games and found themselves in an 0-2 hole. They fervently and valiantly fought their way back, winning the next game and staying alive for another day. In Game 4, the Mariners found themselves down 0-5 and were on the verge of elimination…that is, until Edgar Martinez pulled the proverbial rabbit out of his hat and drove in 6 runs to give the Mariners the win. But even that wasn’t enough, as they had only forced the decisive game 5 to be played on Seattle’s home turf…..

No postseason series ever meant more to a franchise than the five-game division set between the Mariners and Yankees in 1995 did to Seattle. Imagining what the Mariners would be like today had they not played that series is like imagining the history of baseball had Babe Ruth and Ted Williams decided to become carpenters. The Mariners had lost $20 million dollars the previous year. Just before the regular season ended, the public voted down a stadium proposal.

But Edgar Martinez was at the heart and core of that series; for you see, in game 5, Edgar not only won the game, but he saved baseball in Seattle.

The two teams traded shots back and forth during Game 5 and by the sixth inning, the game was tied at 2-2. As the Yankees were batting, Don Mattingly delivered a bases-loaded double that cashed in a pair. With one out in the eighth and a 4-2 lead, Yankee’s pitching David Cone was cruising until he left a pitch over the plate for Ken Griffey Jr., who blasted his fifth homer of the series and reignited the Seattle crowd. With two outs, the bases loaded and Mariano Rivera warmed and ready in the bullpen, Yankees manager Buck Showalter committed the timeless “just one more batter” sin with Cone. Pinch-hitter Doug Strange drew a walk, and trotting home with the tying run was a relatively obscure pinch-runner named Alex Rodriguez. Rivera entered and blew away Mike Blowers to stop the bleeding and keep the game tied a 4-4.

In the top of the ninth, Norm Charlton gave up a double followed by a walk, which meant that Lou Piniella could wait no longer: In came Randy Johnson, to the roar of the Seattle faithful. Johnson would be awarded the Cy Young after the season, thanks to his 18-2 record, 2.48 ERA and 294 strikeouts in a strike-shortened season that likely cost him five starts. That was the upside; the downside was that Johnson had worked seven innings in a tough Game 3 battle less than 48 hours earlier. No fatigue was immediately evident, as Johnson whiffed Wade Boggs before getting O’Neill and Bernie Williams to pop up.

In the bottom of the ninth, Rivera gave up a leadoff single to Vince Coleman, who was promptly bunted over to second by Joey Cora. Yankee’s manager Buck Showalter wisely put Griffey on, and signaled the bullpen for the Yankees’ ace, Jack McDowell, who had faced Randy Johnson in Game 3. Black Jack fanned Edgar Martinez and thought that was the last time the Yankees would have to see Edgar and his .571 seies batting average. Oh how mistaken he was.

The teams swapped tenth-inning goose eggs, setting the stage for one of the most dramatic eleventh innings in baseball history. In the visitor’s half, Johnson committed the cardinal sin of walking the leadoff manm who worked his way to second base and ultimately beat out the throw to home on a bloop single. The Yankees headed into the bottom half of the inning with nothing more then three measley outs between them and a ticket to the next round of the playoffs.

In the bottom of the eleventh, Showalter elected not to go to high-priced closer John Wetteland, who had been bombed the night before in Game 4. Instead, he asked McDowell to soldier on. And for that decision, I thank you Mr. Showalter. Joey Cora, who blasted a rare home run some eight innings earlier, was the leadoff man. With the count at 2-1, he surprised the Yankees by laying a perfect drag bunt down on the Kingdome carpet, beating out an infield hit. Griffey followed with a base hit up the middle, and Cora scooted to third with the potential tying run. Once again, Showalter said “just one more batter” to Black Jack, perhaps remembering his clutch strikeout only two innings prior of the next man up, Edgar Martinez. However, History choose not to repeat itself this time around.

As Martinez stepped into the batting box, he eyed Black Jack down and settled into his comfort zone. Ready for whatever pitch was about to come his way, he battled and battled for what felt like an eternity to most Mariners fans. With two strikes on the count and the next pitch on it’s way, Edgar decided to take a swing at the ball and seemingly effortlessly pulled the ball down the left line that bounced into the left field corner.

Cora scored easily. Meanwhile, fans both at the game and watching from home began to realize that Griffey might actually score the winning run from first. Gerald Williams retrieved the ball and as Juniors churned his legs faster then I have ever seen a man run, Tony Fernandez got off a good relay which meant that the Yankees had a play at home. With Junior almost floating off the ground as he sped towards the plate, the ball slammed into the catchers mit only inches above Junior as he joyfully slid home. The call? Safe.

The Mariners had won and the players swarmed Griffey as he lied smiling on home plate. As the dog pile grew, I’ll never forget the image that was shown next. A camera quickly panned over to second base to catch the image of Edgar Martinez standing there, arms outstretch, smile pulled broad, and tears streaking down his cheek.

Following the euphoria generated by the postseason, then-Gov. Mike Lowry called a special legislation session and the state approved construction for a new stadium But more than gaining the Mariners the stadium, the series gained ever-lasting fans, winning over a region that had never before been exposed to such exciting, dramatic baseball. And Edgar Martinez can just fully lay claim to having played the largest role in the entire series.

Edgar stayed around for another 8 1/2 seasons, helping the Mariners make the postseason three more times and tie the major league record for wins in a season at 116. He’s the only player still on the Mariners from that 1995 season. He’s the only player still on the Mariners from that 1992 season. To me, he is the Mariners. I honestly can’t picture them without him. And yet today, at 5:30 PM EST, I was forced to do so. I’ve never shed a tear over a player retiring since I always tell myself that it’s not as if they are dead, they just aren’t playing baseball any more.

Yet today, as I took my shower after work, I quietly said goodbye to Edgar and thanked him for all the memories.

So long Edgar. You’re a Hall of Famer in my book.

And for any of you baseball fans out there, whether you liked, disliked, or even knew of Edgar Martinez, you should go check out this tribute to him written last October. It not only captures the emotion that some fans have with Edgar, but with the emotions all fans have with their favorite players.

I know I’ve said this a thousand times, but I really miss playing baseball competitively. Not going out for my high school team honestly is the biggest regret I have. I never even went and tried out because I was scared of not making the team. Jesus Christ, how pathetic is that? And now I sit here practically begging my way into a slow pitch softball league. Go figure.

Well, the move back home has gone smoothly enough. I still have yet to deal with the pile of shit in the garage I call “my stuff,” but that will be dealt with sometime soon. I have, however, been working on a number of new posts to soon show up on Shyzer. I actually had a good one ready and prepared to go up tonight, but I decided to hold off a day on that one to finally get in these 2004 baseball predictions I made this past March. I would have posted them then, but I wanted to take the time to explain why I picked each team to finish where I put them, which you can read by hovering your mouse over the team’s logo. Looking back on them, I didn’t see any prediction that made me go, “Wait a minute…what in the hell was I smoking when I make THAT?!” but at the same time, quite a few of them have been off so far. Yeah, it’s only a month and a half into the season, but things are starting to settle down, the dust is clearing, and we are beginning to see the true side to most of these teams.

In fact, now that I look at, I can’t help but chuckle. The League that I should know the most about, the American, seems to be where I made the worst predictions to date. I picked the Twins and White Six to be bad (nope and nope), the Blue Jays to play decent (nope), the Angels to tank (God I was off), and the Royals to win their division (Okay…I was REALLY off on this one). The only prediction in that whole league I seem to have nailed is the Mariners blowing. But more on this later.

The National League, however, I seem to be doing decent in. My three “upset” picks were all over here. The Phillies sucking, the Dodgers winning, and the Padres surprising everybody. So far, so good. It seemed like every “expert” out there picked Philadelphia to dominate that division, but they are hardly “dominating” and winning this one with ease. Apparently winning the World Series and keeping your most important player isn’t that big of a deal now a days. Folks, the Florida Marlins are still good. They were good last year. They beat Atlanta, Chicago, and New York. They are still good this year. How much more is it going to take to prove they aren’t just some “fluke?” The Padres seemed to have snuck up there on everybody and all of a sudden they are a playoff team and the Dodgers have finally found the offense that they so desperately needed. Yeah, yeah, it’s only May. Come October, the tables could be turned in both leagues and Kansas City could be winning their division like I said. But I’m not holding my breath on this one. =)

Which brings me back to the Mariners. The season is over. I knew all along they weren’t going to be a good team, but with the birth of every new season for every team, there is that small seed of hope. Maybe, just maybe, your team will exceed all expectations and win despite all the odds. It happened with the Marlins last year, it happened with the Angels the year before, and it happened with the Diamondbacks the year prior that. They all just barely made the playoffs and then caused chaos for all the other teams in the playoffs. But they all had one thing in common. Pure, common, unfiltered luck. They suffered no injuries, they picked up key players along the way, and had more then one player have career years. And so I held out hope that maybe, just maybe, they’d have a season like that.

Ha.

Sunday afternoon was the game that slammed the steak in. Last night was the final blow. Sunday, Seattle has an offensive outburst by scoring 6 runs in the 2nd inning. They’ve only scored 6 or more runs four times this season, helping them earn the 4th worst offense in the entire major league. They went on to allow the Yankees to score 7 runs and lose the game. Then, last night, I watched the Mariners get 17 hits. SEVENTEEN HITS! 16 of those hits were for singles. Yet even with those weak singles, they managed to carry a 6-2 lead into the 8th inning. So what did they do? Let the Twins score 5 runs and win the game 7-6. This team stinks. I cried and stared in amazement as the Mariners went out and signed some of the worse players this off season. The Mariners’ management ignored logic and went with “community friendly” guys who can’t hit or field worth a shit. They continue to operate in a method that will maximize their wallets (publicly stated numerous times. They aren’t bashful about this fact) while staying relatively competitive. You almost want to root against them at this point so that they’d finally realize how erroneous their assumptions on your average fan’s intelligence is. Attendance in Seattle has already dropped by over 10,000 fans per game. Jersey sales are at a decade low and they were only able to get 6 games televised on national TV this year.

It’s time to clean house. Trade whatever elder players we have, stockpile on young talent, suck for another 4 years, and see if we can’t win a world championship that way. The method their operating under now has already proven futile and now it’s just a matter of the fans staying away from the ballpark and merchandise staying in the store to prove to the owners that this new path must be undertaken. It would be so much easier to start following some other team (I’ve practically fallen in love with the Marlins since last October), but I can’t. I love the players on the Marlins, not The Marlins. If Pierre and Dontrell and Lowell and Choi and Castillo were all traded, the Marlins would be a different team and I’d no longer follow them. And even if I did, I couldn’t forgive myself for becoming one of “those” fans, which is why you stick with your team through thick and thin. Yes, the next few years are going to physically blow. I’ve already stopped following baseball with the same passion, the same zeal, the same energy that I once did. I still love the sport, I still will stop flipping through channels if I spot a baseball game, and I still drop everything the moment the guys decided it’d be a good day to go out and play. But The Mariners have jaded this fan with their greedy ambitions and until they prove that they care about their fans, I’ll stay away.

Like I said, this will be my last post about the Mariners for a while. I’ve got a few funny posts ready to go, so don’t think I’ve forgotten about y’all. Back to my daily weekly ramblings. (And that y’all was just for you Stan)

Oh yeah…Go Mariners.

It isn’t every day that a deal comes along that is such an easy choice that you feel compelled to make the purchase just based on the ridiculous value you’re getting for the money. Today is one of those days, so as a service to my readers, here is something I discovered this morning while shopping through MLB.com’s subscription packages.

Since I reside in South Carolina, I was considering dropping the $80 to buy access to MLB.tv, which would allow me to see some live Mariner baseball this year. However, $80 is a bit steep for watching through questionable connections on my computer, so I was surfing for alternatives. I was hoping to find some package that would also give me the condensed games, so I could watch the west coast games (which begin as I’m heading to bed) the next morning. While going through the subscription options, I found this page. It presents three options:

1. Purchase MLB.tv, which allows you to watch a large majority of games live, but no condensed games or optional footage, for $15 per month or $80 for the season.

2. Purchase MLB All Access, which includes MLB.tv, plus gameday audio, condensed games, video highlights, and some other fluff that I probably won’t use. This is $20 per month, or $110 for the season.

3. Sign up for MSN Premium, which is a bundle of free programs that Microsoft is selling as a subscription model for $10/month. Newsflash, folks: Pop-up blockers, spam filters, and email accounts are free. Don’t pay for them. But wait, MSN Premium includes MLB All Access. Hey, thats promising. And its $10 per month, rather than the $20 per month if you buy directly from MLB.com? Already sounds like a good deal. Hey, why not just throw in the first 3 months for free, just for the heck of it? Wait, they do.

So, you can pay $80 for 6 months of MLB.tv, $110 for 6 months of MLB All Access, or $30 (3 months free, 3 months paid) for 6 months of MSN Premium, which includes MLB All Access. You don’t have to be a math major to figure this one out.

I’ve already watched two games this year and frankly, the video feed and picture / sound quality are 100 times better then what I had expected. Anybody with a half-way decent video card will be able to enjoy the game and seriously, $30 for what MLB All Access is offering is a steal. Go sign up now.

I didn’t catch wind of this until about a week after it happened, but it turns out that Boston Red Sox fans may have played a part in getting All-Star pitcher Curt Schilling to accept a trade to Boston last November. In the wee hours of the morning after Thanksgiving, Schilling went to the mlb.com Red Sox message board and posted this.

He then went over to www.sonofsamhorn.com (which is a huge BoSox message board) and logged into the chat room. After confirming his identity, he proceeded to chat with about 24 Red Sox fans for a few hours. He has sense made many appearances on both message boards after accepting the trade.

So here we are: Thanksgiving night 2003. Schilling stumbled into a SOSH chat room at 2:30 in the morning and found those 24 fans in there, which is my favorite part of the story. Only the guys from SOSH would be chatting about the Sox at 2:30 A.M. on Thanksgiving night. After he introduced himself, they verified his identity with a barrage of questions, then spent the rest of their time pleading for him to come to Boston. He ended up staying in the chat room past 4 o’clock, talking about anything and everything, from baseball to the comparative hotness of the Olsen twins to who’d win in a fight between a shark and a bear. (Schilling went with the bear.)

The next day was even stranger: After Schilling landed a SOSH account and word spread with the members, Friday afternoon, the deadline for Schilling to accept his Boston trade, turned into a pitch session from the SOSH members to Schilling. Everyone had their say.

Now here’s where it gets crazy. The deadline comes…and Schilling accepts the trade. Better yet, he specifically mentions the passion of the SOSH guys as one of the main reasons he decided to play in Boston. Unbelievable. Can you remember any other instance of fans directly influencing a player like this? Can you remember any other player seeking out the input of fans like this? I mean, unless you’re a Yankees fan, how can you not root for Curt Schilling now? Shouldn’t every player be like this? And if they were like this, wouldn’t you like sports a little more than you already do? Sure, it’s nearly impossible to determine an athlete’s character from what we read and hear. But Schilling seems like the exception. Passionate, knowledgeable, the kind of guy who just gets it. Sports fans aren’t asking for much these days, just give your best, take nothing for granted, show us some appreciation and we’re happy.

It’s the kind of thing that makes you post on a message board when you’re supposed to be on vacation. It makes you dream about Opening Day when you’re bracing through an ice storm, or when you’re stuck 3,000 miles away from your favorite team. It makes you dream ahead to next October…

And so it begins. Again.