Shyzer.com

I have 100ish sites added to my RSS reader, which pings them every 30 or 60 minutes in search of new content. Inevitably a few new posts are found each round, which triggers a dull “ping” from my computer and an automated response from me to ignore them for 30 days until they’re deleted.

However, I also have four or five blogs filed under the heading “Awesome,” which is instead checked every 5 minutes. On the rare occasion that something new is found, the computer equivalent of a klaxon is sounded and my browser automatically loads the page. I only wish I was MacGyver enough to rig a ham sandwich-bearing robot to accompany the glorious occasion.

These sites could be classified as my all-time favorites – ones that have yet to disappoint, who time after time drive me to laud them far more than any healthy human being should, and who literally make surfing the net enjoyable for me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some obscenities to scream while I delete one of the feeds.

I’m not a fan of crotch shots when they happen to me and yet that’s exactly what I felt last night when I read of Fire Joe Morgan’s demise. I’m not going to harp on this, but damn. It was a brilliant fucking website and I’ll miss their insanely rational reasoning and absurd sense of humor. For the FJM virgins out there, enjoy this and this before breaking out the cigarettes.

It’s that time of year again!

National League Division Series

  vs.  

This is essentially Manny versus the Cubs. I’m not sure if Los Angeles has any additional players, but from what I gather the Dodgers sucked until July 31, traded for Manny Ramirez, and then proceeded to win every game for the next two months thanks to Manny hitting a gazillion home runs. Or something like that.

On the flip side, I didn’t think Chicago was that good until recently. I saw them play a bit over the past two weeks and I’m a believer. A believer that Chicago beats Los Angeles in 4 games that is.

  vs.  

Dammit, of course the two NL teams I could root for end up playing each other in the first round. I could go back and forth on this, but it boils down to two things. Who I want to win and who I think will win.

Two of my favorite ex-Mariners are located in this series – the Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer and the Brewers centerfielder Mike Cameron. Moyer is older than dirt and yet he still makes players half his age look like fools at the plate. Toss in the fact that I (honestly) could probably throw harder than he does and it baffles the mind that he’s still playing. I love Cameron, but it’s hard to top Moyer. Thus, go Phillies?

Yeah, not so fast. I know they’re the better team on paper and they’ve had a chance to rest their starters and the Brewers are banged up and their pitching is a mess and blah blah blah. Milwaukee is hot and in recent seasons the hotter teams have done better than the rested (02 Angles, 03 Marlins, 05 White Sox, 07 Rockies). But then I look at the recent schedule and notice that Philly swept Milwaukee just last week and that’s enough for me. Plus, Milwaukee can only go so far with running CC Sabathia on short rest, right? I think Vegas has the odds of his arm flying off his body during the series somewhere around 48%. Philadelphia beats Milwaukee in 5.

(This is like the third version of these predictions I’ve written. At first I had Milwaukee winning this, beating the Cubs, and then losing in the WS. Now I have them losing in the first round. Let this be a lesson for anybody who is thinking about using my predictions as a guide to gambling.)

American League Division Series

  vs.  

Repeat after me: You don’t win the AL East without being good. You don’t. You can’t. Not in this century. So to everybody thinking that Tampa is a fluke, they’re not. At the time I’m writing this, I don’t even know who they’ll be playing seeing as Chicago and Minnesota are still playing tonight. No offense to the AL Central, but it doesn’t matter either way. Tampa beats Chicago in 4 or Minnesota in 3. That said, seeing Ken Griffey Jr. playing in the World Series would put a giant smile on my face.

  vs.  

First off, let’s take a moment and enjoy the fact that the New York Yankees aren’t in the playoffs this year. Ahhhh. There’s nothing quite like gloating, huh?

On paper, the Angels are a better team than Boston, right? Better record, far more rested, they have home field throughout the playoffs, the Mariners finished more than 40+ games behind them – and yet I’m still not sold. Their hitting is downright finicky. Their OBP (on-base percentage, which factors in hits and walks) is 19th in the league. Slugging (total bases / at bats) is 18th. They’re 25th in walks, a stat where Boston, Chicago, and Tampa are 1, 2, 3.

Long story short, their record is so good simply because they played the majority of their games against three shitty teams! I honestly don’t even think this will be close. I wanted to say Boston wins in a sweep, but I’ll toss Los Angeles a bone and say Boston wins in 4.

League Championship Series

  vs.  

Philadelphia’s lineup is freaking stacked and yet every time I watch them, it seems like their 3-4-5 hitters are going 1-10. And which Myers is going to show up and pitch? Hopefully not the one that sucks. Because he really sucks. Badly enough to blow at least one of these games and help Chicago beat Philly in 5.

  vs.  

Boston is a good team, Tampa is a good team, whatever. I want Tampa to win this and I’m blatantly going to favor them for no reason other than desire when I say Tampa beats Boston in 6. I know damn well this is just a passionate pick, but whatever.

World Series

  vs.  

I want to pick Chicago. I really do. But this is the fucking Cubs we’re talking about here. Something’s going to happen like it always does and Tampa wins in 6, thus ensuring that Cubs fan worldwide cry themselves to sleep for another winter.

As the baseball playoffs rapidly approach, I’d like to take this time to issue a blanket warning. The next comedian, broadcaster, or dancing monkey who tries to wittily point out that the World Series should be renamed since only American teams play in it will be punched in the crotch. Repeatedly. By me.

11 Dominicans
6 Puerto Ricans
5 Venezuelans
3 Japanese
2 Mexicans
2 Canadians
1 Panamanian
1 German
1 Nicaraguan

That’s the combination of foreign born players on the World Series rosters last year for the Boston Red Sox and the Colorado Rockies. Neither of these teams have an especially large contingent of foreign players either. In fact, some teams in this year’s playoffs have significantly more.

In fact, MLB’s public relations department not only keeps tabs on all the foreign born players, but routinely lets us know how global the game has become. Case in point:

Of the 855 players on rosters at the start of the season, 239 were born outside the 50 states, the commissioner’s office said Tuesday. The percentage dropped to 28.0 from 29.0 last year, when it was just off the record of 29.2 set in 2005.

There were 3,356 of 7,021 minor leaguers born outside the 50 states, with the percentage rising to 47.8 percent, up from 46.2 last year and 45.1 in 2005.

Not only is it 30% for the pros, but almost every other player in the minors calls some other county home!

It’s called the World Series because the world’s best players usually end up playing here in America. Teams are scouting in Asia, Latin America, and the rest of the world almost as much as they are in Florida and Texas. For every Oklahoman farm boy and California surfer dude on a team’s roster, there’s a good chance the guy sitting next to them in the locker room speaks a first language other than English.

So if you’re uneducated about baseball and enjoy being punched in the crotch, please go ahead and keep repeating that same stupid line this autumn. Otherwise, please shut the hell up and go enjoy some baseball.

You know how I can tell the Olympics are back again? My old post with the Misty May / Kerri Walsh photos is getting a ton of search engine traffic.

Oh, well that and the fact that I’ve been glued to the TV for the past 48 hours. What’s the over / under on how much I get accomplished in the next few weeks? It doesn’t matter, just take the under and bet the kid’s college fund.

EDIT: Who else just saw that epic comeback by the US swim team? AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

EDITED EDIT: I love this photo.

First off, ESPN needs to die. Seriously. Somebody go blow up Bristol. I’m the biggest Favre fan in the world and even I couldn’t stand watching it anymore. I officially apologize to the Sports Community for the past two months.

I became a football fan because of Brett Favre. I was a Favre fan before I became a Packers fan.

I wholeheartedly believe in the Madden Curse. It’s stupid and illogical of me and I don’t care. It’s real, Favre’s on the cover this year, ipso facto he’s gonna suck. It’s basic logic, folks. It’s pretty easy to see how Favre + shitty team + going from small town where he can do no wrong to New York where you get booed for sneezing = oh shit.

Seriously, New York is not going to be kind to him. At all.

Up until tonight, I honestly expected to follow Favre to whatever team he went to. It’s pretty clear there’s a lot of blame, but Christ if the Packers didn’t botch him from day 1. I’m not even sure I believed he’s actually switch jerseys though.

I was a Ken Griffey Jr. fan before I became a Mariners fan. When he was traded from the team in 2000, I considered jumping ship and following him to Cincinnati. But I stuck with the team since players come and go and my current boycott of them notwithstanding, I think it was the right move. I try not to think about asking when my faith and loyalty will go rewarded though…

All that said, I will root my ass off for Favre to win every game this year. I hope he gets all the way to the Superbowl. But I hope my Pack beats him there.

Angela, get ready!

This is weird though. It’s also just a damn sport. That’s a lesson 16-year-old Goob is really glad 25-year-old Goob has learned. I think that’s the best part about this whole thing.

I’ve had an extremely stressful day today, well beyond even my own limits. So a few hours ago, I grabbed a brew and sat down to unwind in front of a little baseball. Cleveland started pounding Detroit, a behemoth of a storm rolled in, and suddenly we’ve got a rain delay. What happens next? They cut to the Mariners game just in time to watch Seattle cause an error and let Toronto tie the game.

Gee, thanks ESPN.

Yes, I still follow baseball and the Mariners more passionately than global warming or politics or my own personal hygiene. But for those of you not keeping tabs, Seattle sucks ass this year. As in last place with the worst league of all major league teams sucking. Everything went right for them last year and they were still only halfway decent. The bigwigs in charge didn’t realize this, of course, and thus they spent way too much money and talent on mediocre players this past winter in an effort to win it all this year. The end result? Us loyal fans trying to hunt down obscure beer from Papau New Guinea due to an offhand remark from Ichiro.

I love my fellow fans sometimes.

Thankfully, ESPN quickly switched to the San Fran – Washington game and I got to thinking. You know, when it comes to NL baseball, I really don’t care what game I’m watching. I don’t like watching AL games when Seattle sucks because every time I see a game between two AL teams, I want the stadium to blow up so Seattle can move up a game on both of them. It hasn’t happened yet, but I’m a patient man.

But with the NL? Eh, it doesn’t really matter to me. In fact, I seem to pick a new underdog NL team to root for every year. I then started to wonder if I’ve actively cheered for every NL team at one point or the other.

Let’s see, there’s been:

– Atlanta Braves – Well, that didn’t take long. I’ve never cheered for the Braves and doubt I ever will. It doesn’t really have anything to do with hating the team, if anything I kinda admire the way the organization was run for the 90s and 00s. But growing up surrounded by nothing but idiot baseball fans wearing Braves hats kinda turned me off from the team forever. Plus, there’s the old story of me unfolding a map and finding the team furthest away from Atlanta to start following many years ago.

In hindsight, I should have used a much different criteria in selecting my team of choice.

– Florida Marlins – Ah, the 2003 playoffs. I remember calling them to win in September of that year and they certainly didn’t disappoint. Most people remember that postseason for the Cubs epic collapse (and unfairly lay the blame on Scott Bartman’s feet), but all I remember is the awesome divisional series Florida won in the bottom of the 9th in Game 5 against San Francisco, somehow surviving the Cubs, and destroying the Yankees. Nobody knew the players on their hodgepodge of a roster filed with nothing more than aging veterans and nobody rookies. Now? Half of them are household names. What a fun team to watch and this year’s version honestly reminds me of their 2002 counterparts. Keep an eye on them this year.

– New York Mets – Eh, I waver with the Mets. I used to like them in the late 90s and earlier this decade, but ever since they started turning into the mini-Yankees in terms of spending, it’s gotten harder to cheer for them. Still, as late as 2006 I’ve cheered for them. The 2006 NLCS was bloody brilliant, going 7 games, the Endy Chavez catch (that video doesn’t do it justice, but the crowd reaction tells you how important / amazing it was), everything. I think that was the last time I’ve really cheered for them, but knowing how Jon Stewart loves them makes it hard to really hate on ‘em.

– Philadelphia Phillies – Talk about coming full circle. I used to hate the damn Phillies, but over the past three years they’ve come to grow on me. Chase Utley is one of the top 5 players in baseball and nobody knows his name. Watching Cole Hamels pitch is a treat, while Ryan Howard swinging for the fences every at bat always keeps you on the edge of your seat. Plus, Jamie Moyer plays for them and fuck if I don’t want him to win at least one ring before he retires. He’s like a current Edgar Martinez, what’s not to love?

– Washington Nationals – See, I lived close to them for two years, but never really got behind them. They’re a team I would recommend to somebody looking for a new team to start following though. You don’t want to pick a team that’s already winning out of fear of being labeled a bandwagon fan and you don’t want to pick a shitty team, so finding that team in middle ground is a little tricky. Sure, there are better options who are closer to being legitimate winners (Milwaukee, Tampa, Toronto, even Oakland or Colorado), but the Nationals have a new stadium, a few budding super stars, and are somewhat fun to watch. Then again, this team is still the Montreal Expos with a makeover, so that’s two so far.

– Chicago Cubs – Okay, I don’t hate the Cubs. But Jesus, do they not have enough fans already? This whole “lovable loser” label they like to play up is starting to make them sound simply like losers. I don’t root against them, but if they ever run up against a team I like, booooo Cubs. Of course, if Mark Cuban ends up buying them, my entire viewpoint will change. Can you imagine him as the owner? They’d be a perennial playoff team within three years. I can’t really count them though, because over the past two decades I’ve certainly wanted them to win it all just so their fans would shut the fuck up.

– Cincinnati Reds – Eh. Whatever, Ken Griffey Jr. still has a small place in my heart, but that’s as far as I care about this team. I think that’s because every impression I have of the TOWN of Cincinnati is crap. Ipso facto, the Reds probably aren’t worth rooting for. That’s three teams.

– Houston Astros – Oh man, this is hard for me. When they traded for Carlos Beltran for half a season back in 2004, I really thought they were going all the way. Amazing pitching, strong hitting, charisma, they had it all. Then the fucking Cardinals beat them in the NLCS (damn good series, though) just so they could be annihilated by the Red Sox. The next year they lost Beltran to the Mets and still managed to make it to their first World Series ever. I’m not going to type too much here, but those 04 – 05 teams were awesome to watch.

– Milwaukee Brewers – I was rooting for them for the first time last year, but that’s about it. They’ve sucked all the way up until then and there always seemed to be another underdog to root for instead. I still can’t really get behind them and I’m not sure why. Extremely young team, newish stadium, power hitters, team named after beer, they’ve even got Mike Cameron on the team now! Seriously, I’m starting to wonder what’s wrong with me. How is I’m marking this team as the fourth on my list?

– Pittsburgh Pirates – By far the easiest team for me on this list. They’ve sucked so much ever since I can remember that I’ve never even had a chance to cheer for them come Autumn. It’s be cool if they decided to win more than 70 games in a season, but until then, I’ll just continue using them as a punchline and tack on numbero cinco.

– St. Louis Cardinals – Fuck these guys. I cheer for them in the early 00s and they lose. I start cheering for other teams and they start to win. They screwed over the Mets, Astros, and Tigers all within recent memory. The Mets deserved to win that series. So did the Astros! Tony Larussa is a prick. They released So Taguchi, whose name was fun to say. Albert Pujols is awesome to watch, but that’s about it.

– Arizona Diamondbacks – There’s a common theme among my teams of choice: they’ve always had plenty of youth and the current Diamondbacks are currently the youngest team in baseball. The 2001 World Series was beyond amazing, but ever since then I really haven’t cheered for them.

– Colorado Rockies – Last year was the year I jumped full force behind Colorado and they got to the damn World Series. I didn’t expect them to be utterly destroyed by Boston like they were, but that’s beside the point. They were a fun team to watch last year and while they’re tanking now and I think they’ll trade their best player soon, they strike me as a team that could follow the Marlins recipe for success. Suck for a few years developing talent, go for broke every 4th or 5th year, then blow up the team and start again. It’s risky, but cheap and proven to work.

– Los Angeles Dodgers – I can’t really think of any time I’ve pulled for the Dodgers. I like how old school everything about them is though. A simple stadium, their name reminds you of when they played in Brooklyn, and even their jerseys are basic. Then again, when you start bringing up jerseys while naming good things about a team, maybe it’s time to move on. VI.

– San Diego Padres – Every time I’ve looked at a San Diego team, I’ve thought to myself “here’s a team that could get into the playoffs and then lose in the first round.” So far, I haven’t been that far off. I did cheer for them way back in 1998 I think it was, when they got to the World Series and lost to the Yankees. I remember losing a bunch of bets back then, all made out of my desire to see Tony Gwinn win a title. Lesson learned.

– San Francisco Giants – 2002 World Series. Before Bonds and the whole steroids thing, back when I hated the Angels (ok, fine, I still do), and during my introduction year to the Mariners Sucking Era Part Duex of my life. I really wanted the Giants to win and what happened? They get within six outs of winning game 6, blow it, and then lose the seventh and final game. See above paragraph in learned, lesson.

Wow, that was far more than I expected to type. So let’s see, what’s the verdict? Ten out of 16 NL teams have had Goob screaming their chants at one point in time, I’m pretty damn good at picking surprising NL teams to get far in the playoffs, not many of them win it all though, and I’m pretty close to being a whore for the league as a whole. Yeah, sounds about right.

Who am I pulling for this year? Well, Moyer doesn’t have many innings left in his shoulders, so I’m still sticking with the Phillies for the time being. Of course, I wouldn’t mind seeing the Marlins or Diamondbacks slipping into the playoffs. Who knows, there’s a lot of baseball to be played. Maybe later this week I’ll write a post on how exactly the process of picking a rent-a-team works.

It’s weird though, because even if Philadelphia won it all this year, I’d be happy for about 5 minutes and then turn off the TV. It’s not the same kind of passion when you’re picking a rent-a-team to root for. It’s fun, gives you a reason to stay more than moderately interested in the sport, and even helps you learn about other teams that you’d normall pay no attention to. But you’re not a diehard and it almost feels like you’re practicing all the cheering for when your own favorite team starts winning.

In my case, that projects to be around 2027. Fucking Mariners.

For a guy who knows absolutely nothing about college basketball, picking the five past winners of the tournament has got to be worth something. Next year, I’m going to Vegas.

Free MLB Extra Innings!

Free MLB Extra Innings!!

Free MLB Extra Innings!!!

If you have Comcast of DirectTV, you have until April 6th to watch as much baseball as humanely possible. For Comcast, the channels are up around 770-790 and you should be able to catch at the very least two more Mariners games before the free trial is over.

Of course, you could also just watch the massive marathon of Battlestar Galactica being shown on SciFi right now. Hell yeah!

Watching Brett Favre hold his press conference and talk about his retirement an hour ago wasn’t any easier than I thought it would be. Man, this sucks.

To be honest, I’m not too shocked he retired. You knew it was coming sometime soon and ever since at least two or three years ago, I’ve been trying to prepare myself for it. I really thought it was going to come last season, especially after everybody was congratulating him after his last game and he started crying and everything. I thought there was no way he’d be coming back after that. At the same time, I thought there was no way he’d not be coming back after the season the Packers just had. Go figure.

I’m just glad I got to see him play live and in person. Even though the second time kinda sucked.

Last year I wanted him to come back simply so he could prove how good he still was. I won’t lie and say I saw this past season coming, as I’m sure nobody thought Green bay would go 13-3 this year. But after the way they finished up the prior season, I honestly felt 9-7 was doable and 10-6 wasn’t that farfetched. And in the NFC, that’s easily playoff material. So having him back this past season was great. Having the Packers play the way they did was awesome. That damn Seattle playoff game was absolutely icing on the cake. Many people will say they’ll remember his poor performance against NY as his final game, but I’ll choose to cherry pick and remember that Seattle game in the snow.

He’s right though, there’s no guarantee Green Bay will be the cream of the crop again next year. The NFL is finicky like that. To be able to go out on your own and at the top of your game, no less, is something that has to be appealing to him. Nobody liked seeing Michael Jordan sucking it up in a Washington Wizards uniform. So I can understand and respect his decision to bow out now. As a fan, though, I can’t help but wish he’s lace up for another few years though

If you hate Green Bay, I can understand how all the constant media attention of Favre could be nauseating. Just thinking about them taking the same approach to a Derek Jeter or Tony Romo makes my stomach curl. But seeing as how I bleed Packer yellow (which can’t be healthy, I might want to see a doctor about that…), I’ve been loving every second of it. One thing that’s been bothering me, though, is listening to people try and rank him on the “all time” list of best QBs. To start with, that’s an almost impossible task, especially when comparing QBs from different generations. But even so, there’s a few things to keep in mind.

• As much as I love Donald Driver, Favre never had a Jerry Rice type receiver. Just look at the past receivers of his who have come out of the woodworks to talk about Favre in the past few days. Antonio Freeman? Don Beebe? Robert Brooks? Dorsey Levens? We’re not talking about perennial Pro Bowlers here and the few times they were in the Hawaii, Favre happened to be having a brilliant season. Coincidence? I think not. John Elway had Terrell Davis, Steve Young had Rice, Troy Aikman had Michael Irving and Emmitt Smith. Only Dan Marino had to work with less than Brett. Favre was one of the few QBs who could work his magic with or without great players on his offense and that should speak volumes.
• People like to point out that he holds the record for most INT’s, but when you’ve played as long as Favre and made as many attempts as he has, you’re going to throw some picks. Yes, as a fan, sometimes he’d drive you crazy with bad throws, but that was part of the Favre Package and you knew that coming into the game. Not once did the fanbase turn against him and start bemoaning that he needed to step aside (something the NY Giants fans could learn about…) and if all those interceptions were so bad, wouldn’t you think they’d be the first group of people to point out that he threw so many of them? Nolan Ryan is considered one of the best pitchers in baseball of all time, but people forget he holds the record for most walks.
• I don’t know how many other QBs in the 90s had to battle drug or alcohol addictions, but Favre not only battled and beat them both, but he had to do so while in the public spotlight. Just sayin’…

I think what I’ll miss most about Favre is simply watching him play. I dare you to name another athlete in ANY sport that plays with as much love for the game as Favre did. Watching him made me feel as if I was back in Spartanburg running BA passes with Chong or trying to score the winning touchdown by running through the rosebushes in our neighbor’s yard. He made watching football fun, almost to the point where you forgot about what a win or lose might do to the team’s record. All you cared about was seeing what other crazy ass play he could pull from nowhere and no matter how many times he made you scream out “NOOOOOOO!” in agony, he almost always single handedly redeemed himself with a miracle play here or a methodical drive there.

Brett Favre’s retirement isn’t tragic or sad or heartbreaking. It’s not something to dwell on or become depressed over. The man isn’t dead, he’s simply not going to throw a football for a living anymore. But damn if I can’t help but feel a small sense of loss over the simple fact that I’ll never get to see #4 running around a piece of grass with his helmet in one hand, his other arm stretched upright with one finger in the air, and a giant ass smile on his face.

Like I said two days ago, I miss the bastard already.

This video was played during the opening credits to a MNF game this past season, but I missed it back then since I was in Australia.

This is one of those times where excess words only get in the way. So I’ll shut up and just watch that video again.