Archive for the 'News' Category

The most trusted news found from Google

Monday, March 17th, 2008

It’s sad when you read an article on ESPN and notice it references quotes from sports blogs like With Leather. I’ve even seen scanned newspaper clippings where they’ve quoted comments from people on sites like Digg and Fark. Yet CNN has quietly taken the lead for “laziest news network in the world.”

Their iReporter feature shouldn’t even exist. “Got a camera? Then send us your photos and we’ll show them to millions!” During any given news segment, the Youtube to professional cameraman ratio of video clips is somewhere around 90:1. Now they’ve reached the point where they find somebody’s Myspace page and use it to write an entire article.

Suddenly, apathy is quite appealing.

I hope I never do anything newsworthy. Just imagine the shitty article they could write about me just from using Shyzer. God help us.

[via ZeFrank]

I could host The Mole, though

Monday, October 1st, 2007

When I read stories such as this one, it makes me seriously consider pulling an Anderson Cooper. Then I remember I blend into a crowd about as well as Flavor Flav at a PGA tournament and that I’m as charming and persuasive to strangers as Simon Cowell is at a third grade talent show.

Suddenly the thought of staying home and reading Reuters all day doesn’t sound half bad.

I’m moving to New Zealand

Sunday, September 23rd, 2007

It’s fun to watch shows like Jericho and read books like The Stand and think about how weird and dare I say even exciting life might be if you found yourself in such a situation. And then shit like this happens and suddenly you want to curl up in the fetal position over in the corner. After seeing something like that happen here in the United States, it’s alarmingly easy to let your mind wander about what’s been going on in the old Soviet Union for the past 15 years or so. Yeouch.

An oath of ignorance

Thursday, January 11th, 2007

It’s kind of humorous, a bit puzzling, and largely disappointing to watch people like Rep. Virgil Goode of Virginia and conservative talk show host Dennis Prager continually denounce newly elected Rep. Keith Ellison for choosing to swear upon a Quran in place of a Bible during his oath of office. Upon learning of Ellison’s decision to use the Muslim holy text at his ceremony, Prager issued a statement claiming “insofar as a member of Congress taking an oath to serve America and uphold its values is concerned, America is interested in only one book, the Bible. If you are incapable of taking an oath on that book, don’t serve in Congress.”

Of course, at first glance, one might cast Prager’s comments aside as the ramblings of some loony talk show host. Yet faster than you could call for a jihad, Prager suddenly found an ally in Congressman Virgil Goode, who penned a letter denouncing illegal immigration and stating “if American citizens don’t wake up and adopt (my) position on immigration there will likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Quran.” Both fools men have now found even more supporters, some of which are calling for a new law requiring all officials to use the Holy Bible during their swearing in. Apparently those people hate that little annoyance known as Article VI of the Constitution.

Of course, Goode seems to ignore the fact that Ellison was born and raised in Detroit, a city that has always been right here in America, no matter how hard we wish the opposite. Yet what’s even more jarring is how so many people seem to be motivated by fear more than anything else these days.

You didn’t hear any uproar when Rep. Debbie Wasserman of Florida used a Hebrew Bible without the New Testament two years ago. Nor did anybody make a peep when a Catholic Missal was used when Lyndon B. Johnson assumed the Presidency. All was quiet when President John Quincy Adams used a legal book in honor of his background in law or when President Theodore Roosevelt and Herbert Hoover both swore upon no text at all. President Franklin Pierce went so far as to decline any sworn oath whatsoever and instead simply affirmed his oath and nobody batted an eyelash or gave it a second thought.

Yet when the nation’s first Muslim elected to Congress decides to use a Quran, the zealots on the religious right pull out the guns and start firing across the bow of USS Tolerance. In fact, seeing as how all members are sworn in earlier at a different session before pulling out the Bibles for a ceremony designed for maximum publicity, this debate is essentially moot. Yet people like Prager have for some reason adopted a stance of never letting an opportunity pass where they can remind Americans that we were attacked by Muslims on 9/11 and then scaring them into agreeing with whatever retarded goal they have.

We get it. A handful of Muslims attacked our nation over five years ago. That doesn’t mean we have to sink to their level and become just as close minded as those few individuals were. There’s a reason black people don’t hold every white person responsible for hate crimes committed by members of the KKK. It’s because they understand that just because a small group of idiots hate blacks, that doesn’t mean that all white men and women hate blacks as well! They are able to make what’s called an intelligent assumption - just because a small group of people looks or act a certain way, that does not mean the entire race or sect does so as well.

The day we let fear of the different and unknown rule our lives is the day we stop being American. In fact, we not only would sink beneath our own morals, but would sink beneath those who Prager and Goode are so deathly afraid of. Countries like Iran, who have some of the most narrow minded views on foreign policy in the world (ie, death to Israel!!) still allow Jews to serve in their government. Morris Motamed, a Jewish member, has served in the Iranian parliament for years without having to swear upon the Quran. In fact, when quized as to why this was allowed, Tehran University professor Hossein Bashiriyeh explained that “an oath taken with a holy book other than one’s own cannot be religiousl and morally ‘binding.’…in effect, it will amount to not taking an oath at all.” You know you’re in bad shape when officials in a country like Iran are making more than sense that your own.

One of the many lessons I’ve learned from studying history is that America’s strength has nothing to do with our (somewhat) Christian heritage, but in our respect for individual choice, freedom, and rule of law. People like Prager and Goode would benefit greatly from remembering that.

The world needs more Wesley Autrey’s

Saturday, January 6th, 2007

Wesley Autrey - the Subway Supwerman

If you happen to live anywhere other than New York City or near any major media outlets, you might not have heard to story of Wesley Autrey. Earlier this week, a normal weekday morning in a NY subway station suddenly transformed into a scene rarely spotted outside of movies or mythical lores. Cameron Hollopeter, a student and total stranger to Autrey, began having a seizure before falling down onto the subway tracks, where a train quickly raced towards him with the full intention of occupying the same space as his flailing body. What happened next is something many say they would do, but few ever follow through with. Autrey, sizing up the situation, knew Hollopeter’s only chance at survival was to lie between the two rails, so he jumped down, pinned the young man beneath him, and comfortably lied as a NY city subway train screeched to a halt a full two inches above his head.

Autrey might not seem like your everyday hero. He certainly isn’t somebody who gives good interviews, as you can see for yourself in the David Letterman clip below, but that’s what makes his actions even better. This wasn’t a man out looking for fame and glory. He had no grand visions of accolades or rewards dancing through his mind that morning. He simply saw a man in trouble, knew he was the only person who could help, and acted.

Of course, since doing so, he’s not only been giving the highest award a citizen can earn from the city, but has received a free trip to Disney World, a $10,000 check from Donald Trump, a free lifetime subscription to Playboy (since his favorite Playboy hat was destroyed by the train), and a promise by the New York Film Academy (where Hollopeter is a student) of scholarships for his daughters when they’re older, among many other rewards. Let’s just hope he doesn’t end up like some of the other national hero sensations in recent memory.

The last thing we need to do is find yet another reason to discourage the average citizen from helping those in need.

Mother’s Day? Why not her own month?

Thursday, December 28th, 2006

Niyazov’s funeral, meanwhile, is scheduled for Sunday. A 10-kilometer (6-mile) corridor of mourning citizens will be created all the way from the Turkmenbashi Palace to the burial place in Niyazov’s home village of Kipchak.

If nothing else, that quote from CNN best sums up Niyazov’s reign. Rarely have you ever heard of a 6-mile corridor of mourning citizens having to be created in honor of a fallen leader.

I remember first reading about Saparmurat Niyazov a few years back. I had recently discovered the joys and wonders that are the CIA Factbook and I was spending a beautiful, gorgeous spring day deep underground, nerding it up amongst the stacks of history books and foreign language guides in the USC library. I was reading up on every country whose location on the globe I was oblivious to when I came to Turkmenistan. As I read, I came across this sentence: “[The] president [is] elected by popular vote for a five-year term; election last held 21 June 1992.”

Wait, what?

The last math class I may have taken was back in high school, but even I’m not that bad at math. At first, I just thought it was a typo, but I soon discovered it was anything but. In fact, it fit in perfectly with the other whirlwind of Crazy that Niyazov imposed on the Turkmen people.

Saparmurat Niyazov Statue

  • Slapping his face on every banknote in the country? Check.
  • Erecting statues of himself and his mother that rotate to always face the sun? Check.
  • Awarding himself the Hero of Turkmenistan award five times? Check.
  • Banning news readers from wearing make-up since he had trouble telling male and female reporters apart? Check.
  • Renaming a day of the week after himself and the month of April after his mother? Check & check.
  • Outlawing gold tooth caps and gold teeth while suggesting that people instead check on bones to strengthen their teeth? A painful check.

Hell, renaming cities, airports, and schools after himself was a given. But what other dictator thinks of renaming a meteorite after themselves? Damn straight.

Niyazov might never have gotten the same press as Kim Jong-Il, Hugo Chavez, or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, but he certainly was right up there with them on the Crazy Barometer. Leaders like Niyazov are a dieing breed, for better or worse. (I’m guessing better for the people they actually rule over, worse for entertainment value for people like me) I think that’s part of the fascination the Western world has with them. Gone are the days of leaders such as Stalin and Hitler ruling their countries with an iron fist while wrecking global stability at the same time. Sure, you’ll never find me arguing that this is a bad thing, but you’ll also never find me passionately debating the values and merits of the new Ukrainian parliament election results. Why? Because that’s boring as hell.

Instead, you’ll find my (happily) mourning over today’s eccentric leaders, whom are quietly, if not quickly enough, falling to free elections and democratic rule, which makes their rise, reign, and eventual fall fun as hell to watch. Well, as long as you’re safely tucked away in America or Europe. And assuming you are outside their grasp of power, I can’t stress enough how much you should follow along. When else are you going to read and learn of leaders who write the only legal textbooks used throughout a countries education system? Or of leaders who close all hospitals outside of a country’s capital on the grounds that “why should we waste good medical specialists on the villages when they should be working in the capital?”

With Niyazov’s passing, the list of such leaders shrunk by one.

Like I said, the days of world domination desires by rogue countries is over. Instead, current dictators look only to maintain control over their own country and to a lesser extent, their region; a lesson I hope most Americans learned with the Iraq War debacle. But that doesn’t mean the Crazies aren’t out there and if you take a few minutes to read up on them, I promise you’ll quickly become enamored with one, if for no other reason than to find humor in a dismal situation.

Dear Citizens in Florida’s 16th Congressional District

Tuesday, November 7th, 2006

I understand only 60% of precincts have reported, but even so, the results show that Mark Foley has 48% of the vote with 65,622. I have only one question.

What the hell is wrong with you people? How is it that the Democratic challenger is only leading by 2,000 votes over an opponent who resigned from Congress a month ago for sending messages to underage boys about masturbation and being horny? Sometimes I don’t understand the American public.

EDIT 1: With reporting up to 75% of precincts, Foley has gone from trailing by 2,000 votes to leading by 900 votes. Way to go, Florida!

EDIT 2: So I just found out that Foley’s name simply couldn’t be taken off the ballot and that if he wins, some other guy will take his place. I still think it’s retarded to have Foley’s name on the ballot and “vote” for him, even if it’s just for his name in general. I liked this post a lot better when I thought the citizens of Florida were the morons instead of now where I now I’m the idiot.

LOST On The Desktop

Sunday, September 10th, 2006

I think of stories and ideas for Shyzer posts all the time. Most of the time their lost due to forgetfulness or realization that they’re stupid, but every now and then my brain will grasp them just long enough for me to get to a computer and type them down in the Word document I have titled “Shyzer Posts QUESTION MARK.” It’d look much nicer if I could have an actual “?” in the file name, but for reasons unbeknownst to me, Bill Gates in all his wisdom and glory decided somewhere along the line that us simpletons didn’t deserve to use a question mark in our file names. But golly jeepers, he gave us solitaire and minesweeper!

This document I speak of contains 13,794 words and is over 20 pages long with only a few blank lines separating each new topic. Some are only short fragments that I don’t even understand anymore. Other times there are paragraphs or two where I started to write a post and then abruptly stop for one reason or another only to pick it back up at a later date. And finally, sometimes things get a little lost in the shuffle and are rendered obsolete after a few weeks due to their time sensitive nature

This is such a post, which was written sometime in early July:

Dear local and national news networks,

Stop giving us hourly updates on Barbaro. What with WWIII starting in Middle East’s Paris, Type O Dong missiles flying all over the world, and the Mariners still employing one of the worst managers in baseball, I don’t have time to listen about how doctors now feel that Barbaro’s state of mind is solid. It’s a horse. You have no idea what his state of mind is. For all you know, he could simply be sitting there thinking “Brrrrrrrrrr, I’m a horse who likes oats and apples!” It’s wonderful that somebody has the compassion and funds to pay for all these expensive medical costs to keep a horse alive, but that doesn’t mean you have to give us the horse’s condition on CNN, ESPN, and even my damn local news simply because an hour just passed and he didn’t die. So the next time I hear a story about this freaking horse, he better have either A) died B) won a race or C) found a cure to cancer.

Thank you for your time,

Goob

Ta Da!

Thursday, September 7th, 2006

Well, since there’s so much talk and uproar about the new Facebook changes (see post below), I went out and created Facebook Talk in a matter of hours. I’m skilled like that. I kind of invision it as a site where people can not only get together to talk about the changes on Facebook, but anything else related to it. Privacy concerns, hacks, funny groups, whatever.

I’m also proud to announce the Grand Opening of the Learn To Cheat, the latest website to join the Shyzer Network. Well, I actually wrote that sentence about a week ago before I created Facebook Talk, so I guess Learn To Cheat now gets the honor of being the “website with the shortest lived latest addition to the Shyzer Network stamp.” LTC was something I threw together a while back and then never really worked on. But with the school year being young and fresh, I thought it’d be cool to get it up and running. It basically has ways to cheat in school, as well as a new segment about what NOT to do while cheating. (I hope that have that part up by this weekend). Some people have asked how I sleep at night knowing that I’m teaching kids to cheat in school and I respond that I hope teachers are reading this site as well. In fact, I tell fellow teachers about it every time I substitute and on teching message boards. That way, it can go both ways. Sure, somebody may cheat using the knowledge I put on there, but then again, the teacher might have read the site too and can be on the lookout for mehtods they previously didn’t know existed.

The fun thing is that these both should hopefully be the first of a few websites launched in the near future. Add to that some of my travel plans and new life changes and this fall should certainly be an exciting time. But make sure you check out (AND INTERACT WITH! Post some comments! Join the message board! Send in cheating tips! INTERACT!!!) Facebook Talk and Learn To Cheat.

After Reading That Article’s Title…

Wednesday, September 6th, 2006

It’s almost as if somebody over at CNN had the same thought that I did when they saw the amount of emotional outpour dedicated to Steve Irwin.