I’ve never wanted an eye patch any more than I do right now. And this is coming from a guy who practically idolizes pirates.

Kudos on whoever made the conscious decision to score the hell out of this episode as well.

There’s regular shows, then The Daily Show, then Lost, and then lightyears above everything else there’s Battlestar Galactica.

Holy. Frak.

“About time.”

Goob: KISS HER!

I can’t say anymore, I’ll ruin something amazing for too many people.

EDIT: Well, yes I can. From TWOP: Laura finally [edit for spoilers] —unbelievable. Mary McDonnell, I don’t care that you’re older than my mother, you are brilliant and beautiful; let’s make out.

After finding both this and Fire Joe Morgan recently, I’ve really starting digging their style of writing. Watching the systematic dismantling of anything with wit, sarcasm, and the occasional foul word is both highly entertaining and delightful.

Seriously, every spoiler-free article and headline talked about how fulfilling and complete the final season and specifically episode was. I couldn’t find a single negative response to it and in doing some hasty research, I couldn’t find much against the show in general. Here was a show on HBO which critics and fans alike loved and which had been running for the past six years or so. And I’d never fucking heard of it!

I’d been burned by an HBO show before (FUCKING SOPRANOS SUCKED ASS!), but I finally broke down and watched the first season during the tail end of March.

Last week, I watched the final episode of the fifth, and final, season.

One of the top 10 shows of my lifetime? Most likely.

The beauty in the show is it’s realism. The good guys have huge flaws. The bad guys aren’t 100% evil. This isn’t some episode of 24 where all the bad guys speak in a Russian accent and Jack Bauer is God. This is real, where the good guys don’t always win, the bad guys don’t always lose, and sometimes you forget who in the hell is on which side much less who you’re “supposed” to be rooting for.

I told my brother it was like LOST, but in the real world. Everything everybody does screws over somebody else. The police, judges, lawyers, businessmen, politicians, dope dealers, crack addicts, children, teachers, dock workers, and everyday citizens all affect one another. If you think LOST weaves character stories together, you ain’t seen shit yet.

If you’ve already seen every episode, then please feel free to click the “more” link below. Otherwise, go watch the entire first season (their seasons are only 10 or 12 episodes long), become hooked, watch the rest of them, and then come read what I’ve written below.

And just in case you’re too fucking lazy to click on the link above, here’s a short recap from Wikipedia to let you know what the hell you’re about to get yourself sucked into.

The Wire is an American television drama series set and produced in Baltimore, Maryland. Created, produced, and primarily written by author and former police reporter David Simon, the series was broadcast by the premium cable network HBO in the United States. The Wire premiered on June 2, 2002 and ended on March 9, 2008, with 60 episodes airing over the course of its five seasons.

Each season of The Wire focuses on a different facet of the city of Baltimore. They are, in order: the drug trade, the port, the city bureaucracy, the school system, and the print news media. The large cast consists mainly of character actors who are little known for their other roles. Simon has said that despite its presentation as a crime drama, the show is “really about the American city, and about how we live together. It’s about how institutions have an effect on individuals, and how…whether you’re a cop, a longshoreman, a drug dealer, a politician, a judge [or] lawyer, you are ultimately compromised and must contend with whatever institution you’ve committed to.”

Despite never seeing great commercial success or winning any major television awards, The Wire has frequently been cited by critics as one of the greatest television series of all time. The show is recognized for its realistic portrayal of urban life, artistic ambitions, and uncommonly deep exploration of sociological themes.

Central to the structure and plot of the show is the use of electronic surveillance and wiretap technologies by the police—hence the title The Wire. Salon.com described the title as a metaphor for the viewer’s experience: the wiretaps provide the police with access to a secret world, just as the show does for the viewer.

Without further a due (I still get a small kick out of that)…

HOLY SHIT! YES, YES, YES, AND MORE YES. THAT’S HOW YOU DO A FINAL SEASON!

I’m honestly having trouble trying to process all of the information right now. In fact, if you just watched all five seasons in a short span like I did, you’re probably having even more trouble digesting it all. By the way, did you notice all the throw backs in the final few cut-scenes? I loved the random, show of a chess board. D’Angelo deserved better.

My favorite characters overall? Carver, Bubbles, Omar, Lester, Daniels, Bodie, Sydnor, Pryzbylewski, Bunny, and McNulty. Seriously, how the fuck can you not like ANY of them? When I look at them as a whole, I see one common thread: Competence. Go figure, with my absolute love for the trait. Good or bad, each and every one of them was amazing at what they did and I can respect that.

Watching Bodie and Omar get killed was rough. I kinda saw Bodie’s coming, but Omar! FUCK! I LOVED him and I’m pretty sure I was meant to.

On the flip side? I almost cried when Bubbles was sitting down to dinner with his sister upstairs. After watching him for five seasons, I wanted him to get clean more than anything else. Seriously, a nuclear bomb could have gone off in those final seconds, vaporizing all of Baltimore minus Bubble’s house, and I probably would have been okay with that.

Herc? Templeton? Levy? Clay? Hey guys, guess what? FUCK YOU! ALL OF YOU!

I loved how Michael was the heir apparent to Omar. I loved how Chris and Weebay took the fall like true soldiers. I loved how Sydnor is the new McNulty. I love how it foreshadowed Marlow getting absolutely fucked by being unable to leave the street. Most of all, I loved how McNulty and Lester and Daniels and Greggs and Bunk were all able to stand by their convictions, respect one another for it, and all come out smiling.

Nothing changes though, does it?

Let’s go back to the people I love, though. First off, Carver. Honestly, did ANYBODY grow more over the course of this show than he did? Come on, I dare you to find somebody to replace Carver with the “Most Growth” award. During the first season, he’s bowing to Hurk’s peer pressure and stealing drug money. By the final episode, he’s not only learned how to do police work, but he’s actually evolved into giving a shit about the work itself.

Omar was the shit. Seriously, he could have killed everybody on the show and I still would have loved him. But that wasn’t Omar, he wouldn’t have done that. He had a mother fucking code, a strict honor, and he stood by it. He knew the rules of the game and he never strayed from his convictions. There’s something to be said for that. Hell, he wasn’t even greedy. He knew there weren’t many options in life for a guy like him and so he took the highest path he could. I can respect the hell out of that.

When Bubbles tried to hang himself at the end of season 4, I just about lost it. When he sat down to dinner upstairs, I finally did. How could you not love Bubbles? I can tell you, if I was in the same shoes he was in season 1, I don’t know if I would be able to climb out of them. Every episode he was trying to better himself, even if it was only by pushing a cart around town and selling toilet paper. There were only one or two things I absolutely wanted to see before the end of the series and Bubbles coming upstairs was at the very top of that list.

I like to think that Lester, Greggs, Bunk, and McNulty all remained friends. I think they would have, especially given the police sendoff McNulty received and the way him and Lester forgave Greggs. They all did what they thought was right, whether it be breaking the rules to get a crime solved, standing silent by a good friend, or calling them out on their bullshit. Yet in the end, they all kinda looked at each other and saw only respect for one another. That’s downright cool.

Same for Daniels. He overlooked and covered up for a lot of things, but he finally drew the line at juking the numbers. Good on him.

I hated seeing how only one of the “kids” made it out of the hood with Bunny, but again, you gotta admit that’s the most realistic way it would have gone down. I think seeing Dukie swindle Presbo and then become the new Bubbles was the worst. Here’s to hoping he at least has the same outcome. Presbo only being in the last episode of season 5 was a travesty, but I liked how he had grown into a true teacher.

I gotta say I didn’t see the Sydnor being McNulty’s clone coming, but after I saw it…well, yeah, I buy it. Sydnor ate a lot of shit during his days, and if you remember, he was a hot-shot up and coming that Daniels begged for in the first season. After the homeless murders, he’s been around the block a few times and knows how the game is played. Lester and McNulty taught the boy well and while I wouldn’t have predicted it beforehand, I totally buy him filling McNulty’s shoes.

And then we’ve finally got McNulty. In the very end, I don’t know what he ended up doing with himself. I’m glad he got out of police work altogether. He was okay after the Barksdale case ended (kinda) and I think the only true way to get away from the thrill and the rush of police work was to get out of it all together. I honestly can’t see him doing a damn thing else, but then again, I never foresaw a lot of things on this show. He was a great character though, doing whatever he pleased and damned the consequences. Plus he looks just like my Uncle Mike, which is kinda weird.

It’s tough trying to recap 50+ hours of television and dozens of characters in one post. I just wanted to get this all out of my system for my own benefit. I basically just sat down and pounded all of this out in a few minutes and now that I have, it feels good – almost like I can accept that the show is truly over.

There are only a handful of shows that are so well written and put together that I actually give a rat’s ass about the characters and story. Kudos to The Wire for nudging their way into the group.

Fuck you, CBS.

I could sit here and tout a countless array of argument as to how inept the current heads of television are. I could mention how TiVO and iTunes and bittorrent and DVR aren’t factored into Neilson ratings. I could reference the great YouTube debate or link to all the thousands of words I’ve written here on Shyzer mentioning how much money they’re losing every day they refuse to recognize the new ways of media consumption. But it’s all been said a million times before by just as many people.

Jericho was one of the few character driven shows on TV that didn’t employ a trite and vapid setting of doctors sleeping with each other or lawyers standing up for the common man. No matter what CBS wanted the show to be, Jericho understood that no matter how fantastic the story line was, the sci fi was only a setting and not a story in and of itself. The fact that shows like LOST and Battlestar Galactica have the same understanding only further exemplifies the type of company Jericho kept.

The bottom line is Jericho not only had a proven rabid fanbase, but had a handful of brand new episodes at a time when television was starving for new material. From two months, as the writers strike dragged on and every show had exhausted their supply of fresh material, CBS had the opportunity to move up the release date and showcase Jericho against the crap that every other network was scrambling to pump out. Instead, CBS not only killed an early release, but buried the show at it’s historically worst time on it’s historically worst day. They never wanted Jericho to succeed this second time around and in effect had no qualms about giving their fans a giant “fuck you.”

Yet I’m not pissed. These past seven episodes were beyond perfect. In ten years, we’ll casually laugh at how stupid we were in the past to have so many open-ended & slow driven shows. We’ll remember that it all started to change when shows like BSG and LOST not only refused to let the networks renew them for countless seasons, but demanded they be ended on their own terms – amazing ratings be damned! Networks will realize how successful these types of shows are, how much better written they are than the average show. Along the way, one network will finale realize the goldmine that is TV on Demand and suddenly shows will no longer be canceled due to poor Neilson ratings alone.

And then we’ll remember that show that not only came back from the dead because of it’s fans, but that managed to squeeze an entire season into only seven episodes. And we’ll remember how fucking awesome that show was and how long before it’s time it truly was.

Thanks for every damn episode, Jericho.

“Roslin promotes Adama to admiral. He promotes her right back.” Hahahaha.

We’re less than two weeks away from the fourth and final season of the best show on television. In case you’ve forgotten what’s been going on, here’s a hilarious and well made 8 minute video of all the previous Battlestar Galactica episodes and movies.

Their iReporter feature shouldn’t even exist. “Got a camera? Then send us your photos and we’ll show them to millions!” During any given news segment, the Youtube to professional cameraman ratio of video clips is somewhere around 90:1. Now they’ve reached the point where they find somebody’s Myspace page and use it to write an entire article.

Suddenly, apathy is quite appealing.

I hope I never do anything newsworthy. Just imagine the shitty article they could write about me just from using Shyzer. God help us.

[via ZeFrank]

Then I entered the real world…

It wasn’t until I got to college that I actually started putting the Internet to good use. Downloading new music, finding directions, chatting with friends…and reading unpublished work.

Growing up, I’d venture to guess that 90% of the average person’s reading material is forced upon them. Book reviews, summer reading lists, crappy textbooks. Eventually we begin to find our “enjoyable” reading niche, which unfortunately for most men is Sports Illustrated or some other pathetic magazine while women turn to crappy romance novels. Before we know it, we’ve unceremoniously morphed into adults who have long forgotten what it feels like to read something spectacular. It’s no wonder that every time you board an airplane, all you see are cookie cutter John Patterson novels in people’s hands.

In the past, only a select few seemed to be lucky enough to truly discover and appreciate a Watership Down or Catch-22 or Ball Four. But even with those, you were limited. It’s my experience that no matter how wonderful a book may be, chances are anything else by the same author is…well, sub standard. You’ll always be holding the author up to what ultimately may be their magnum opus, at least in your eyes. Something that took years of writing and polishing and editing is what you find yourself holding as the benchmark for adequacy. An author can’t just snap their fingers and produce another equally astounding piece of work. I don’t care what J.K. Rowling writes next, it won’t top Harry Potter. The same goes for Richard Adams or Pat Conroy or any of the other authors who’ve written something I’ve grown to love.

So with that, all I can say is thank God for the Internet. There’s something different between an author in the traditional sense and somebody who writes and publishes something each and every day. Sure, you have to sludge through a lot of crap, but every now and then you find a hidden author that for reasons unknown is able to produce gem after gem, day in and day out, with practically nobody reading it. It doesn’t take a genius to see how somebody then goes from reading an unknown blog to ripping it off.

Think of it another way. How many of your favorite bloggers have taken their old material and actually made a book from it? How many of their posts will actually ever be read by more than a few hundred people? With odds like that, and other pressures that a “”published” author faces such as deadlines and expectations, I’m honestly shocked we haven’t seen more cases of plagiarizing on the web. The only blogger who I can name off the top of my head that transformed his material into a book (and whom I once read on a daily basis) was Colby Buzzell. Most bloggers simply delete their material when they grow tired with the net, like Doc and Stan did. At that point, ripping somebody off isn’t just an appealing option, it’s practically screaming in your face.

I write this post to point out one fact: in the past, I’ve ripped people off. There, I admit it. I’ve since deleted anything I copied from somebody else and thank God none of it became popular (in the sense that it made the Best of Shyzer or even garnered a lot of comments). Before, whenever I read something I especially liked, I might copy it here on Shyzer and bury it somewhere in a post. Now, I just link to it as it should be.

I think what changed my ways was having my own content stolen for the first time a few years back. It pissed me off then and it still pisses me off now, as is evident with the Mark Kotsay’s wife post I made a few months back. But at the same time, it’s an occupational hazard and something to be expected, I guess. Hell, I’ve even had attacks against me that I’ve copied other people for posts I made on HIF and it wasn’t even intentional. Such was the result of accepting user submissions. So, basically I know how it feels to be on every end of the plagiarizing triangle and frankly, none of them provide an enjoyable experience.

So to any would-be plagiarizing author out there who thinks he or she can get away with copying just a few paragraphs from an unknown website and passing them off as their own work – don’t do it. It’s simply not worth it, trust me.

Below I’ve compiled a list of current commercials that are so horrible, I want to jab a dull spoon into my eyes whenever I see them come on. If given the option of watching each of these for ten consecutive hours or being dipped in a pit of molten lava, well, go ahead and get my casket ready. The first bunch of commercials are just random ones I hate, with the final three being the Top 3 worst current commercials. I’d say “enjoy” right about now, but I have a feeling that nobody will enjoy suffering through these visual pieces of shit.

And if you haven’t guessed by now, strong language below, mainly because I like to say fuck whenever I get angry and hate something.

Oh, haha. I get it. You took a commercial that everybody hates in the first place and decided to attach your product to it. That makes perfect sense! In fact, why not take it even further? For the next commercial, they should have Hitler and a bunch of his Nazi buddies marching around in their shoes. It’s foolproof.

This doesn’t even make any sense! Were the ad execs on drugs when they approved this stupid thing to air? They’re selling flavored water, so they get some random black chick to start playing music and then have a bunch of lizards dance to it? Actually, when I put it that way, it makes perfect sense! …… No, NO IT DOESN’T!

Huh? What? Oh, sorry, let me get down. I just tried to hang myself with my belt while watching this commercial and was only able to pass out for a few seconds. It was the best five seconds of this commercial, by far.

So let me get this straight. A company came out with a bunch of horrible commercials that made no sense, a TV exec saw them, and then they were turned into a TV show? An actual show? And it didn’t last? WOW, I’M SHOCKED! They cancel shows like Jericho, yet they decide to make a show about a bunch of hairy guys who are cavemen but who don’t actually live in a cave thus making them simply a bunch of hairy guys? Yeah, that’s not really much of a show right there. That’s about as much of a show as somebody following me around with a camera would be. I hope somebody lost their job over this.

Nasty food, ugly actress, retarded voiceover, metaphor that doesn’t even remotely make sense = Goob vomiting.

EDIT: And now the video isn’t even loading. Irony never tasted so delicious. It’s as if the Internet Gods refused to let me spread this horrible piece of shit. Long story short, some chick is walking through the Cici’s buffet line as a voiceover talks about how she’s a precious and fragile flower, then the chick dumps a bunch of food on her plate before her and the voiceover guy suffer a heart attack and dies. Huh, what? The ending doesn’t happen like that? Well it should.

The dialogue should have been “Let’s go, girls!” followed by them driving off a fucking cliff. To make this commercial even more retarded, the final shot of the car driving has the car all wrapped up like a present. GEE, THAT MAKES SENSE! Where’s the followup commercial where everybody involved in the making of this dies in a horrible, flaming car wreck? SOMEBODY GET ON THIS!

Hooray, a commercial that makes us all look like fucking morons! I get it, Americans are so xenophobic that we’re deathly afraid of words that we can’t pronounce or that aren’t clearly English! You’re telling me that there are people out there who know more than one language? BLASPHEMY! Any word that clearly isn’t English needs to be purged from our daily vocabulary. So get the fuck out of here “pizza” and “alcohol” and “coffee.” Yeah, you read that correctly, the word coffee isn’t even English, it’s Arabic. JOKES ON YOU, DUNKIN FATASS DONUTS. That’s it, I’m going to Krispy Kreme, where real donuts are made. In fact, have you ever noticed that there’s never a Dunkin Donuts commercial that actually advertises their shitty donuts? Why the hell do they even bother selling those things anymore?

Ugh. Worst. Song. Ever. Maybe this guy’s credit report is so bad because all he does is sit around and sing smarmy, retarded songs. Although, and I’m not sure how this is even possible, but these commercials are better than the previous FCR.com ones…

Oh, you’re thinking of a number? Is it number two? As in somebody should take a giant dump on this guy’s head? If not, my second guess would be seven million because that’s how many punches to the crotch this guy should receive for pitching a product that’s an obvious scam.

Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!!! I can’t take this anymore. Whose idea was it to make sure that every third commercial features talking characters that in real life shouldn’t be talking? If I saw a bunch of cookies driving down the road in a convertable, I wouldn’t think about how delicious they looked. Instead, I’d go check myself into a mental institute because I would obviously be fucking crazy, which is exactly what these commercials are slowly doing to me!

On the other hand, though, there are people who shouldn’t be allowed to talk on TV either. Like these idiots.

If somebody in my neighborhood started screaming out of their window like these idiots, I can assure you that long story short, there’d be a murder trial in eight to twelve months and I would be an integral part of it.

Step 4: Run to the doctors to get some ointment for the STD I hope you picked up after getting hammered on a shitty alcoholic beverage that has to be “watered” down and then hooking up with some random hot girl that had no place whatsoever in this commercial!

Yeah, no shit you’ve failed them as a parent. I hate it when people type like that in the first place, but I swear to God – the first time my siblings start talking like this, they’re getting a swift kick in the crotch. You hear that Clay and Juls?! TRY ME!

EDIT: I just found this picture. Click to enlarge.

I hate the entire Freakout campaign, but I have to admit that I secretly enjoy this individual ad simply because I enjoy watching the retarded emo kid freakout. Haha, take that you moron, you’re unable to get your daily dose of shitty food! Why don’t you go sit in the corner and cry about it? As a whole, though, I hate the people in these commercials almost as much as I hate the commercials themselves. Are you telling me that people actually gave a shit that a HAMBURGER was removed from the menu at a fast-food joint? Who are these people? Are they allowed to vote? Procreate? Take part in any sociable activity? If so, we need to hold an emergency town-hall meeting and revoke each and every one of these privileges from them.

But enough of this endless commercial bashing, let’s get to my Top 3 hated commercials.

Let’s see, what just happened here? Turtle says hello, mentions a problem, receives some helpful advice, and then proceeds to verbally abuse the living hell out of his mailman. Doesn’t that just scream high speed internet to you?! I can only hope and pray that there is some hidden footage out there that shows the mailman jumping up and down on this fucking turtle and then cooking him into some delicious soup, because that’s what he deserves. The fucking Slowsky’s can go to hell, I HATE THEM.

NO! THIS IS NOT MY FUCKING COUNTRY! Ugh, I hate this commercial. Hate. It. You know how Doctor Cox has an irrational hatred of Hugh Jackman in Scrubs? Well John Mellancamp is my Hugh Jackman. If I ever see him in real life, so help me God, I will make sure he’s never able to create a horrible song again. But focusing solely on the commercial here, I totally understand the angle they were going for. Ooooh, so the only people who drive trucks are people whose job consists of manual labor. Gotcha. I guess I need to sell my truck then.

Oh man, hahaha, did you see the part where two guys are at a restaurant but it says “this is our chat room?” Get it! They’re not really in a chat room! They’re “chatting” in a “room” in real life. Hahaha, witty! Or did you see the part where it said “this is our wingman” while the guy is hunting with his dog? Yeah, that part was great. That dog is totally gonna help him get laid by a duck or doe or something.

But there’s way more than just that one commercial! There’s a whole series! Like this one, where the awesomeness starts right off the bat. See where it says “this is our birthplace” and it shows a car in a garage? Yeah, that’s where I was born too, because my parents didn’t live within driving distance of a decent medical center either. But wait a minute, a few seconds into this video it shows “this is our focus group!” But in the last video, that same scene was our backbone. WHICH ONE IS IT, CHEVY?! DON’T CONFUSE ME LIKE THIS, I CAN’T HANDLE IT!

Ok, I looked everywhere for this and was unable to find a copy of the commercial. This only further proves that it’s so fucking horrible that nobody could even stomach it for 60 seconds it takes to copy it to their computer and upload to YouTube. I’m sure you all know the commercial though, where a guy proposes to a girl at a restaurant and then people begin saying “he went to Jared” until we finally get to their waiter, who is played by Count Dracula, and he proceeds to run around the fine establishment screaming something about Jared before we finally see him pop up like a jack in the box and burn a pan full of food. Aaaaaaaaand, scene.

I don’t even know where to begin with this commercial. I really wish I had some video evidence of it to prove to you just how bad it is. If you’ve ever enjoyed even half a second of this commercial, please don’t let me know, because I will disavow any knowledge of ever having been your friend. It’s that bad. Ugh, I really wish I had some video clip of this. That’s it, I’m going to find some, because I really want to just be able to post it on here and rip it a new one, a la Creation Science Fair.

I’m grabbing my pitchfork and demanding a new show called Sayid and Desmond be created. The pilot episode can contain them both just sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch for an hour. Desmond just gets to say “brotha” over and over while Sayid builds an intercontinental ballistics missle out of toothpicks, wax candles, and gummy bears. Brett Favre and Ichiro will show up during the last ten minutes as special guests and then the universe will implode due to so much awesome being in such close proximity. I smell an Emmy!

“Well, that’s cool, it totally plays into the Mirror Moon Matter theory!”

Long story turned into a simple sentence, some dude came up with an idea, researched it, discovered some pseudo-science that the creators of LOST have admitted being interested in, and came up with a damn convincing argument as to what the hell is going on in LOST. Well, kinda. I should say, the best argument yet, by far.

If you hate LOST, stop right here and I’ll see ya tomorrow. But if you’re as obsessed with the show as I am, you need to go read everything in that link above. I’ll wait. Yeah, I know, it’s long. But it makes sense! Oh, come on, you still need convincing in order to read that much? How about this:

Things The Theory Answers
The black smoke
How to get on the island
How to get off the island
Why the button had to be pressed every 108 minutes
The whispers
Why the missile took an extra 31 minutes to reach the island
How crazy things, like the Black Rock and Yemi’s airplane, ended up in the middle of the island
Why various characters can see and interact with things that aren’t there, like teenage Walt, the horse, Jack’s dead father, Jacob’s cabin, etc.
Things that are “clues” or “shout outs” to the theory, such as character names, the four-toed foot, the Apollo Bars, DHARMA’s name, etc.
Why the LOST logo twirls like it does at the start of each episode
The hieroglyphs
And more…

So there. Go read it and join me below.

Not a bad idea, huh? I’ll be the first to admit it’s not foolproof and I don’t think we’ve figured it all out yet, but I’d be willing to bet good money that once everything is said and done, this theory will at least have gotten the basic foundation accurately.

Now obviously detractors are going to say, “give me a break, this is waaaaaaaaaaay too complicated for a TV show and there’s no way people will get this.” To which I’d calmly point out “duh.” If you think they’re going to go that in depth during the series finale, well then you’re a moron. However, this has never been a show aimed at the “average” fan. They’ve gone out of their way to provide more clues (and answers) to people on-line through games and puzzles (even I’m not that dedicated of a fan, though.) They’ll obviously find a way to both easily explain it on-air while giving the more hardcore fans more answers on-line.

Now you might say, “but this is pseudo-science. It’s all hogwash. It can’t make sense and thus I shall use my advanced knowledge of physics to smack this theory to pieces!” Again, you’re totally correct. But you know what? You could do the same thing with Star Wars, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Heroes, ER, The Unit, Friends and Seinfeld. All of these are TV shows and there’s a basic assumption and understanding between them and us. We get to be entertained by exaggerated stories in exchange for checking our damn common sense at the door. Even if we were to create intergalactic battleships in space, would there really be fire explosions when they’re hit? Would they really bank when they turn, as if they were fighting gravity like a plane? No. Hell, would a 20-something year old really be able to afford the apartments the characters in Friends live in? Is New York really void of African Americans. NO! So get over it and don’t use this mentality as a crutch to dismiss this theory.

However, there are some things still lacking. In fact, I like to think of this theory as totally nailing down the geographic abnormalities on the island. Yet there are other key things it’s yet to explain.

Things The Theory Doesn’t Answer
The numbers
Why everybody is so bizarrely interconnected (this simply could be for dramatic purposes, but still.)
How my favorite brutha can see the future
How Miles can talk to ghosts
What the fuck the writers were thinking when they killed Eko
And I’m sure much more that I can’t really think of right now

Is this the end-all be-all of LOST? Hardly. But it’s damn fun to try and piece this puzzle together, no?

Click To Play

Yeah, the official Beijing 2008 Olympics Committee totally ripped that off, except they found a way to make an even cheesier and longer version with worse actors and more absurd scenarios, like a little Chinese boy running through the streets chasing his soccer ball only to be saved by an aware driver who slams on the brakes at the last minute. Quick cut to another guy standing on the curb and staring at this little Kodak moment with eyes aglow. Now, call me old fashion, but isn’t that just called being a good driver? Is it common practice in China for drivers to mow down any pedestrian in the street at will? Because otherwise, that little act of kindness was probably executed out of the driver’s desires not to end up like Jack Bauer instead of helping his fellow man.

It got better though, as one of the good deeds was done by a man walking down a crowded street and picking up a recently dropped apple by the woman in front of him, who promptly thanked the good Samaritan and chomped right into the tasty snack. Oh, I left out the part where the apple was dropped IN A PUDDLE ON THE STREET. But hey, China only has 16 of the 20 most polluted cities in the world. I’m sure it was perfectly healthy.

Halfway through the commercial (it was honestly about 90 seconds long), I asked the guy next to me if he noticed it as well and we spent the next hour dissecting every ad we saw as there were plenty. McDonalds has a campaign that basically rips off The King from Burger King, except it’s not nearly as funny and his face will most certainly haunt my dreams. And even though I have no idea what they were saying, Chinese car commercials looked to be just as annoying as their American counterparts. Glad to see that crappy ads screaming at you to buy a new truck is a global experience.

But this post isn’t meant to bask in the glow of the awesomeness that is the Internet grassroots campaign that saved one of my favorite shows. No, wait…yeah. Yeah, it is. But because I love you, I’ll just keep this short and funny. So, you can either click the more link below or go directly to the source in order to read two of the best “could have happened” conversations ever.

MAY 15TH-ish

1: I gotta say, guys, I’m loving the schedule. We got Cane, Moonlight, and Kid Nation — it’s looking sexy. Very sexy.

2: I’m getting off just thinking about it.

3: Remind me, what’s Moonlight again?

1: Dude gets bitten by his vampire bride, uses his powers for good, and falls in love with a mortal.

3: Oh, right. Right, the “Angel Becomes a P.I.” thing.

2: Yeah, but it takes place in New York, so it’s totally different.

1: Totally.

Grunt: Sorry to interrupt, but, um…

1: Yeah? What’s up?

Grunt: There’s another bag of peanuts for you guys.

1, 2, and 3: …

Grunt: From the Jericho fans.

2: Oh, right. Okay, just dump ‘em in the breakroom.

1: What’s the deal with the peanuts again?

3: Because of the whole “nuts” thing in the finale? Stanley and getting the war story wrong, and then Skeet saying “nuts” over the walkie-talkie, remember?

1: Vaguely.

4: I really like peanuts.

1: Anyway, we’re thinking that with the schedule set to have–

Grunt: Um…

1: What?

Grunt: There’s another bag.

2: So?

Grunt: Well, it’s bigger.

4: Dude, can we get some of that in here? Thanks.

2: Can we get back on task, please? Now, we want to leverage –

Grunt: Look, uh…

1: WHAT?!

2: Another bag?

Grunt: Sort of “another bags.” Bags. Plural.

3: You know what? For any and all future bags of peanuts from distraught fans, family, and Skeet, put them the breakroom — ALL of them. Got it?

1: Do you think a little Lord Of The Flies-like brutality around sweeps is too much to hope for on Kid Nation?

THREE WEEKS LATER

1: Thanks for coming in, people. I know it’s been a rough couple of weeks.

3: No more peanuts, please? No more!

1: Shhhhh. It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay.

4: I like putting peanuts on ice cream. Just vanilla ice cream and peanuts. No frills, you know? Just the sweet and the salty to satisfy all cravings.

2: Last night, my wife said she could smell them on me. I had to take three scalding showers before I felt clean. Then she told me I smelled roasted.

1: Yeah, well, I’m definitely having a nervous breakdown. A few nights ago, I dreamed that Mr. Peanut was riding a bomb over Kansas and screaming.

2: That’s nothing. I went to my kid’s birthday party at the Ground Round and had a panic attack. Why the HELL are peanut shells considered acceptable décor for a restaurant?

4: I had homemade peanut butter once. You have to keep it in the fridge and mix it up before you eat it, but it was good.

1: How’s Bill doing?

2: Well, he’s off the respirator and responding to visual cues.

1: Yeah, we probably should have quarantined everyone with peanut allergies before one of them went into anaphylactic shock.

2: I’m just glad we found a hermetic sealer who could work on the weekend.

4: Do you think it’s hard to make homemade peanut butter?

3: They’re salty and stringy and they dry out your fingers and they’re not even nuts!

4: Oh, I’ll bet I could make some bad-ass peanut butter cookies. With the forking and shit?

1: So, we’re agreed, then? Jericho has to come back?

2: Yes, yes, we have to stop them before they move on to [choke] Circus Peanuts.

3: They’re NOT even NUTS, people! NOT NUTS! NOT NUTS!

1: I don’t see any other way. We’re all cracki–

2: Don’t go there, man. Just…don’t.

3: They’re LEGUUUUUMES!

1: Right — let’s just swear we won’t make a practice of this, okay?

2: Agreed — and also, from here on out, no more significant mentions of food of any sort in any script ever again.

1: And forget that George Washington Carver biopic Spike Lee’s been trying to push.

2: The wounds are just too raw.

4: Kung Pao chicken has peanuts in it. They’re all spicy but kind of nutty, you know?

1: Oh god.

2: What now?

1: What if we cancel Moonlight and they send blood?

Jericho fans, if this comes through…I can’t even begin to describe the implications it would have on future television shows. If nothing else, it’s brought attention to how poorly run many networks are operated and how shitty their methods are for determining who is watching what.

And you know what? I’m not crushed. Hell, I wasn’t even that bummed when I initially heard the news and here’s why: This means BSG can now only go out on top and with a bang. Think for a minute, when was the last series finale that you were absolutely thrilled with after it aired? Seinfeld’s was kind of stupid, as was Friends’ and West Wing’s. Many shows that are hits stay on the air until they become stale or, more importantly in the network’s eyes, stop making money. Hell, the only thing worse than a great show being canceled too early is when a network or creator refuses to let it die. I’M LOOKING AT YOU, MATT GROENING!

So when a writing staff or executive producer has the gaul to come out and say, “You know, we’re doing great, but let’s not drag this thing out too long. How about we just go out on top?,” you have to applaud them. LOST did this a few weeks ago, announcing they were only going to make three more seasons before they called it quits and I have a hunch that in the not too distant future, more and more shows are going to be doing this, which is fantastic.

Viewing habits of most Americans have drastically shifted in the past three years, what with the rise of TiVo, iTunes, torrents, YouTube, and cable plans with millions of channels. As a result, we’re more accustomed to not only watching TV whenever we want, but skipping the crap we don’t like and finding alternative shows. Thus, more and more dramas like BSG and LOST are going to have to plan ahead and know where the hell they’re going if they expect to keep things not only fresh, but exciting as well for their viewers. As a result, we’re left with fewer “filler” episodes that shows always air in months like October and April and instead get seasons where the plot is moved significantly all year long.

From the marketing aspect, it’s also a smart move. When shows like ER and Desperate Housewives have no real end date in sight and the story just seems to keep dragging on and on, it’s easy to kind of shrug and not get excited about a new episode. (Not that I watch either of those) But even if the end date is far in the future, just having that date set in stone makes it a bit easier to go, “Hell, there’s not that many new episodes left, I’m gonna watch this!” On the flip side, competition between advertisers may increase as they know there is only a limited number of shows left where they can pitch their product. Of course, this won’t work as well on some shows as others, but a smart ad ex could certainly work some magic if they knew what they were doing. I bet Travelocity or Expedia would pay a little more if they knew Amazing Race only had two more seasons left or Chevy would sponsor more episodes if 24 was only having a few more days (which, after this last season, needs to happen. Seriously, that show sucks now, but whatever.)

So bravo, BSG. I can’t fraking wait to see what happens next and how this epic show actually ends.

I wish I could say I was boycotting CBS, but Jericho was the only show I actually watched on that sorry excuse for a network. To hell with you, CBShit. I know, I’m so witty and clever, I sometimes even surprise myself. But do you know what the best part of it all is?

There’s actual a fairly large backlash against CBS going on right now.

It started with a petition that’s already up to 50,000 signatures. The official message boards for Jericho on CBS.com say a huge spike in users, both old and newly registered, who came together to voice their disdain. Before long, the phone number for every CBS executive was plastered all over the web and despite calling them all dozens of time, I’ve yet to be able to leave a voicemail message since they are constantly filling up within minutes of being emptied.

New websites, such as Jericho Lives, Save Jericho.info, and Jericho Rally Point, have popped up and are sharing ways for people to voice their opinion. Hell, a few thousand people have even started an old fashioned letter campaign (I sent mine off a few minutes ago.)

Chances are none of this will make a difference and then again, who the hell knows. It’s entirely within the realm of possibility that CBS might see this and rethink their decision. Or maybe another network, such as TNT or SciFi, will look at the 8 million viewers Jericho routinely pulled in and figure that’s not a bad draw for a cable network show. We can only try, right?

In the mean time, I’ll be off hitting redial on my phone for the next few months.

I’d give up any other show, sans Battlestar Galactica and maybe Heroes, if that meant Jericho would be around for a few more seasons. We’ll find out within a week or so if it’s coming back. Until then, I’m off making a CBS voodoo doll just in case.

And I gotta say, after every episode I find that I’m more hungry than I am impressed.

Look, it’s not a bad show. It’s better than most of the crap out there, even. But…it’s just so damn slow. We’re talking actual hour long shows here, thanks to HBO’s no commercial breaks, that tend to sometimes drag and at the end of an episode there may have been one scene that moved the plot along, if we’re lucky. Otherwise it was just another episode where we were stuck listening to Tony bitch and moan in therapy about his mom or watching as his gomba friends wack and kill red shirt characters as they build up this huge plot arc where something cool and exciting might finally happen and then!!!…….it all goes away by a convenient deus ex machina. A character has a stroke or the feds make a bust or Tony has a talking fish dream (I wish I was kidding) and suddenly everything the season spent building up is washed away.

This show must have been freaking mind-numbing as hell to watch in real time. Seriously, I think people tuned in for the first season, realized the show had potential, and then kept watching while telling themselves it was about to blossom and take off just any day now. By the end of a season, they just stare at disbelief as the final episode fades out with a weak as hell cliff hanger, at best, and they wonder what the hell just happened to one of their favorite shows. But those network executives over at HBO were smart, as they made people wait almost a full year for new episodes every time. Of course, by then, people had forgotten all about their disappointment over the previous season and instead could remember nothing but their bright optimism they had in the beginning.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Of course, I feel all of this for a show that not five minutes ago I typed “it’s better than most crap out there.” Plus I still ended up plowing through 63 hours worth of footage in 75 days, so you might think that ultimately says something more than what I’m saying now. But don’t let that fool you.

I just chalk it up to that small sliver of hope I’ve still clinging onto.

Because so help me God if something doesn’t actually fucking happen in season six…..

Glen Beck and Nancy Grace, however, are still going strong despite the former’s repeated attack on Islam and calling a newly elected Islamic Congressman a terrorist and the latter having spent a year screaming that the three recently acquitted Duke lacrosse players should be castrated, hung, and never thought of again.

Just making sure I had my facts right here.

Last season was a bit of a drag though, I must admit. The highlight of the season’s “threat” were a few cans of nerve gas that induced diarrhea or suffocation or something and the bad guys had enough to bomb 12 malls or 3 Super Wal Marts or something. Kinda lame… Though even that was better than the season before, where every few weeks the terrorists had a new weapon that never worked and by the end of the season, they hadn’t done much of anything besides manage to piss off Bauer. Great job, guys.

But with this season, after nine episodes, it looks like we’re back to the 24 of old. The baddies inflict some major damage early on in the season and are trying to do even more. (this time, with some handy, light-weight, compact suitcase nukes. I think this is a market LL Bean and Sharper Image totally overlooked.) It’s fun, fast paced, and the writers are even doing a better job at wrapping up some of the smaller, logic plot holes.

Well, except for the standard CTU ineptitude. If you took away Chloe and Jack from CTU, you’d essentially be left with the real life equivalent of FEMA. In fact, I foresee the following exchange to take place soon this season:

Scene: CTU has cornered the bad guys inside an apartment complex and are ready to pounce and save the day.

Jack: “Have you set up a perimeter?”

CTU Agent: “Yes sir, standard CTU perimeter.”

Jack: “DAMN IT! Bill, this is Jack! Fayed’s about to escape! Have Chloe start tapping into the California Highway Patrol cameras!”

Honestly, their solution is always to set up a perimeter. A porous, weak, almost mythical perimeter. For once, I’d like to see a perimeter actually stop a villain. You know, like perimeters are meant to.

You might have seen some of his other work without even knowing it (much can be found on his main site), but for the past 11~ months, Frank has been writing, editing, and staring in his own three to five minute videos which he creates and uploads every weekday. Each episode is tight, fast paced, up close, and personal as he covers anything that tickles his fancy at the moment – news, politics, culture, sports, whatever. But he does so in a Jon Stewart/The Daily Show-esque manner with a dash of raunchiness, a heaping of absurdity and cooked at the speed of a TV lawyer announcing all rules and regulations to a contest.

Every week he seems to come up with a new idea or theme and from there, he lets his audience run with it and shape it into it’s future form. This isn’t some giant community we’re talking about here, but instead a relatively close (and fairly large) group of fans with similar viewpoints and even more similar absurd thinking. Besides the aforementioned recurring themes in the first paragraph, one great example is where a college student from his forums had nothing to do over Christmas holidays, so long story short he became a human baton, driven cross country from New England to California by follow Sports Racers (translation: fans of Frank’s show) before returning all the way home the via the exact same method.

It might sound stupid, but trust me, after you watch a few episodes, you realize Frank is not only capable, but is fully pulling it off.

After tonight’s coverage of the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, FOX has officially sealed its rank as the network with the worst sports coverage. Ever.

Do you enjoy good camera work? How about quick replays of recent important or big plays? Or how about a non-cluttered screen with few sound effects? Then stay away from FOX!

With all the graphics, sounds, and flashes every few seconds, you’d think the powers that be over at FOX were trying to give their viewers an epileptic seizure. Maybe they have a vested stock interest in the leading pharmaceutical company out there. My siblings racked up three months worth of being grounded before I realized that the culprits weren’t them, but instead was FOX.

Almost every replay they showed happened to be through a camera angle where the action was off screen. I can’t tell you the amount of times I watched a replay, turned to my buddy Jeff, and asked him why we were just shown a clip of two players blocking each other near the sideline. The few replays they actually did manage to show which contained some action happened to also be covered with a bare minimum of advertisements and graphics on one third of the screen. It’s such an enjoyable viewing experience when an explosive play is covered by a Nissan ad for a car nobody’s interested in!

But the real kicker had to be the camera angles. I’ve never seen such poor camera work throughout an entire game in my life. It was as if they had only two settings to choose from – nosebleed and ground level. On every play, I was either squinting to see which player had the ball or trying to identify the nose hair shown on the screen. I did enjoy all the aerial coverage of the indoor dome they were playing in, though! Maybe next time you could install a camera underground and show me the dirt beneath the 50 yard line?

FOX, I understand you’re trying to be innovative and fresh. You gave us the yellow first down line and the glowing puck, which are awesome. But there’s a fine line between a cool, new feature and pissing off your viewers.

And I’m pissed.

EDIT: Wow. Holy Shit, wow. One of the best endings to a football game I’ve ever seen was the only redeeming factor that saved FOX tonight. I love Trickeration plays. I love teams like Boise State who run 20000 Trickeration plays in a row even more.

Once you sit through an hour of television like that, you don’t just go back and turn on The Daily Show or 24. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Thank you, Ron Moore. You truly are a genius in the midst of a field with far too many hacks.

This is one such song.

I’m not sure why the audio and video get out of sync in that version, but it’s not like you need to watch him play in order to listen to the music. This second version is a bit longer and takes a while to get into, but it’s well worth it.

John Butler Trio – Ocean

I rarely ever vouch for something I have little control over. I don’t like the thought of saying something is great only to turn around later and see it’s total crap. Movies and books are one thing, for if I watch or read one and love it enough to recommend it to people, it’s rarely going to change. No matter how many years later I suggest it, the movie isn’t going to have changed nor will the book have gone through another round of editing. But then you’ve got the oh-so-fickle world of television.

When I first watched LOST, I was excited. Just the general plot was something that I’d imagined about in my brain for years, something that I’d actually begun to write about and ponder turning it into a real story. And then before I knew it, ABC was actually coming out with a show just like the one in my head and I couldn’t wait! And to be fully honest, that first season was dynamite. It was exciting, explosive, mysterious, and fun. I told everybody I knew about it. I stayed up one night in my kitchen, blowing off hanging out at the bars with my friends, to tell my brother all about what he’d missed and why it was so great. I got my dad hooked, my other two siblings, my mom. Anybody who would listen to me, I went on and on about the show.

And now I wish I could go back, tell them that what I saw that first season wasn’t the final product and that if they were smart, they’d stay far, far away from this show.

It’s hard watching something you love deteriorate into a bulky mass of nothingness and incoherency. It’s like I’m watching my grandmother suffer through Alzheimer’s all over again. Actually, it’s more than that. A part of me was invested in this show. I wanted it to succeed, in small part to validate all the time I’ve put into it. But now it’s become an abusive relationship where every other week I hear over and over, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, baby, I swear! I promise to never do it again! Until now, I’ve always accepted its apology, welcomed it back into my life every Wednesday night, and wound up getting hurt time and time again.

Well not anymore. This show has Jumped the Shark. Or, as I like to call it now, Shook the Bunny.

There’s just so much wrong with this show, it’s not even funny. From day 1, the writers have claimed that A) They have the entire first 4 seasons completely mapped out and B) Everything will be realistically and scientifically explained in the end. If you still believe either one of those is true, I’ve got some wonderful tourist packages to Iraq you might be interested in.

The writers (from here on out called TPTB: The Powers That Be) clearly have no preplanned story arc. They’re all over the place. They spend an entire season assimilating a group of characters only to kill them all off in a pointless need to shock and awe us. They refuse to either drop the flashbacks or use them to teach us something new, instead opting to drive home the point that Jack has daddy issues and that Sawyer is a con man. We. Get. It. Hell, they even constantly bring up new questions without even so much as a sniff of an answer to any of the previous ones they brought up.

Here’s a little tip. Constantly arising new questions that make us forget all about the ones you posed last year doesn’t equal good storytelling. It makes you look like bad writers who can’t come up with decent answers.

Don’t believe me? Check out this message board post where fans of LOST spend 31 pages talking about all the unanswered questions. And it’s not even the fact that there are so many that’s frustrating, it’s the method they’ve now adopted in doing so. It’d be one thing if they asked a question and then constantly dangled it in front of us, like they did with “what’s in the hatch?” But now they simply ask a question, forget about it for a year, and then suddenly bring it up again and expect us to get excited. Sorry guys, but it doesn’t work that way.

Everything they’ve revealed so far has been such a letdown. I don’t think they could have built the Others up any more than they did and all we get is this? Some kidnappings, fish biscuits, and a “will you fix my spine? Only if you want to, though!” ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I used to be TERRIFIED of the Others. Now, they remind me of a weird cult that loves Kool Aide. Nothing they do makes sense, none of their actions are logical, and the illogicalness of it all has served no purpose whatsoever. Way to drop the ball on this one.

Think of it this way. You have a spinal tumor. It is terminal. You are desperate for medical help and surgical care. A spinal surgeon “falls from the sky”. You:

A) Race over to him, befriend him, help him, and ask for his help.
B) Send others to race over to him, beat the shit out of him and his friends, kill a few random folks, kidnap all the children, kidnap him, and keep him locked in an oversized aquarium.

And the Others are geniuses… how?

But it’s not only the Others who don’t act normally. Even the Losties are pure idiots. Almost every episode something will happen and either nobody questions it or somebody keeps it a secret. I don’t want to watch a show full of morons. That’s not fun, it’s frustrating.

Even the writing on an episode to episode basis has deteriorated. My head still hurts from where all those religious symbolism anvils crashed into my skull last night. We get it. You took Intro to Philosophy freshman year. Good on ya, bruthas. But that doesn’t mean you have to dust off those old English assignments analyzing the passage for color symbolism and try to out-allegory Hawthorne. Stick to what worked during the first season, for Christ’s sake. Actually, I guess I should be thankful they haven’t given any character the initials J.C. and suspicious scars on their palms. Then again, we really don’t know anything about the new characters, so I won’t hold my breath.

All of this finally came to the boiling point for me when they killed Eko last night. A full season of assimilating the Tailies into the show only to not use them at all in the plotline and then kill them off? Where is the Master Plan in that?! You’ve told us from day 1 that it’s going to be similar to Stephen King’s The Stand, with there being two different main factions. First you try to set up a Jack vs. Locke, then you try a Cave vs. Beach or Beach vs. Hatch scenario. You’ve already failed at the Losties vs. the Others and I guess we can kiss those hints of Eko’s religious group vs. Locke’s nuthouse fate camp down the drain. Now? It’s none of them and you still can’t figure out what the hell you’re trying to accomplish with this show.

I can understand killing Boone to give Locke his Great Test o’ Faith. I can understand killing Ana Lucia in a seemingly shocker twist in a season finale. But to write off Eko, Walt, Michael, Shannon, and Libby just because you can’t think of any better storylines for them is pointless and lazy. Stop introducing new characters if you don’t even know what to do with the one’s you’ve got! I swear, I don’t know how anybody could believe TPTB aren’t writing this show on the fly and making it up as they go along!

I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a TV show that’s both entertaining and intelligent without insulting it’s audience.

I guess you can say this is my apology to all those out there who had to listen to me talk about LOST so much. If you want a part comedy, part drama that makes Law & Order look like a high school production of Macbeth, check out Boston Legal. Scrubs is by far the best comedy on television these days, whenever it actually IS in the lineup. Heroes is also one of the better new shows this year, although they are already teetering on succumbing to the LOST factor.

And then you’ve got Battlestar Galactica. A show which hasn’t had an equal on the airwaves in the past year. A show which not only is well planned and well written, but well acted. A show that if push came to shove and I was forced to pick only one series to watch for the next 5 years, it would be spoken by my lips in a matter of seconds.

Trust me, if you were one of the chosen that I mistakenly turned onto LOST, please accept my sincere apologies and spend your time more wisely on Battlestar Galactica. You won’t be disappointed.