Shyzer.com

Overheard today while standing in line at the local gas station:

(All words spoken in a heavy, thick drawl.)

Customer #1: Man, I cain’t believe tha’ kids didn’t have school terday. I’s looking forward ter gettin’ ‘em outter tha house ‘gain!
Customer #2: I know whatcha mean! What’s even worse is I had no ideer everythang was closed ’til I got to the post office and saw nobaudy there. I wasted 30 minutes today just because Ford died!
Customer #1: It makes nor sense to me. I know Ford is ‘portant an all, but what makes him and his comp’nay so special? I don’t even see how peoples drive anythang other than a Chevy.
Customer #2: Oh, they’ll find any excuse to not have ter work, them lazy people in Washin’ton. It don’t matter who died. President of Ford. King of Canada. Hell, it don’t matter! They’ll just give ‘em some bullshit medal an’ close everythang for the day.

Both customers quickly turn around to the sound of crashing glass rippling through the building as Goob bashes his head into the front pane in an effort to forget the stupidity he just overheard.

Don’t ever let it be said that I don’t care about Shyzer. Just as I was leaving Spartanburg, I learned that Shyzer had been knocked out. I thought for a minute who could help (and who I could trust with all my different passwords) and I finally realized that my little brother Clay was best suited for the job. After locating him at one of his friend’s house, he dropped everything he was doing and came home just to help me. Now that’s True Love. Needless to say, things are back up and running here at Kramerica Industries Shyzer.

As most of you already know, I’m heading to Australia soon to study for a few months. As exciting as this is, it does bring with it certain unwelcome pains in the ass, such as hunting for a new roommate to take over my apartment lease halfway through the school year. The search started in early November and while there was been a few Maybes here and there, nothing real substantial has come to fruition yet.

About a week ago, I received a call from Mike who inquired about the room. He was a recent college grad who had just been accepted into USC’s Graduate program and was looking for a place to stay next semester. I was in the process of giving him all the details when he cut me off and said he’d take it. I was flabbergasted and immediately told him I’d start letting everybody know the place was no longer available. He asked if he could drop by and sign the papers the following Tuesday and we agreed to talk around noon that day so I could give him directions. I couldn’t tell which one of us was more excited. Him for having found such a “sweet-ass, bitchin’” location or me for finally having found a warm, living body to take this $375 rent off my hands every month, including January!

Tuesday rolled around and he called just as scheduled. The conversation went something like this:

Mike: Hey dude, what’s up? I’m leaving my place now, so let me go ahead and like get some directions so that I can come check out this awesome digs of yours!
Goob: Aight, well how do you normally come into town?
Mike: Uh, like from US 20 South.
Goob: US 20 South? Where the hell is that? Okay, well then how do you normally get to I20 or I26?
Mike: Where? I’ve never heard of those. I’ve got to admit I’m new to that area, so we might have to go a little more general here.
Goob: (Confused at this point since Columbia pretty much only has I20 and I26). You’re new to the area? I thought you said you’ve been into town before. You did visit USC at least once before you agreed to go to Grad School here, right? How did you get into Columbia then?
Mike: What the hell are you talking about, dude? I’ve never been to Columbia.
Goob: Oh for the love of God. Okay, what is the nearest heavily populated city you live by? Atlanta? Charlotte? What the hell state are you coming from?!
Mike: Dude, I live in San Francisco.
Goob: (It’s finally dawned on me.) Ahhhh. Okay, well if you still want this apartment, the commute to your USC is gonna be about 5 days or so, depending on how fast you can drive.
Mike: What?!
Goob: I go to the University of South Carolina, you moron. I take it you are going to the University of Southern California? Did you not notice that my craigslist ad was placed under Charlotte? And did you not read the University of South Carolina I have in parenthesis next to USC in my ad?
Mike: Oh, you are shitting me! Dude, I was like so stoked to find a place so cheap right next to campus man! I just figured you screwed up and placed the ad under Charlotte instead of Los Angeles. Damn it, now I have no fucking place to live!
Goob: Yes, because Charlotte and Los Angeles are so commonly confused. Smooth move bud. Good luck finding a place.

And they claim to be the smarter USC.

I started off typing this post with the phrase “I’m not one to judge.” I wrote a paragraph or so and then went back to edit what I had just typed when I realized I hated that first sentence, especially for this topic. There is no way I cannot judge, no way I cannot be absolutely stunned and sickened at the same time, no way I cannot sit and wonder who in the hell allowed their child to grow up without basic knowledge of the world.

A week or so ago, Tommy asked me to come listen to something that I would find hilarious. I was just on my way to climbing in bed for the night, so I made him promise me it was worth it before I got my lazy ass up. He guaranteed me that I would find it worthy, so I shuffled my way into his room. He said something into his cell phone and then jammed it up to my ear.

I soon figured out it was one of his girlfriends speaking and that she was attempting to name all the continents. The following is an exact recreation of the words that came out of her mouth:

Okay….um….North America and South America….Russia!!….um….Antarctica….Gosh, I can’t think of the other ones. Oh, oh! Japan, China, and Asia!!

I would like to say that that was the worst. But no. When Tommy pulled the phone back and told her that she missed a few, she quickly tried to redeem herself by naming the 8th continent of Egypt.

I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t. No child in the 10th grade should think there is eight continents, much less name four of them wrong! How does a student with that lack of knowledge pass the 2nd grade much less the 9th grade?! Did her parents never buy her a frickin globe when she was a kid? Has she never looked at that map in the front cover of every History Textbook?! Has she never wondered why black people are refered to as African-Americans?

I just couldn’t keep it in. I had to say something. Where did she think World War I and II took place? Where did the majority of those people we called slaves come from? Ever heard of the land down under? In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue…..FROM RUSSIA?!

Tommy tried to give her a few helpful hints to remember the difference between countries and continents. After the somewhat success of that, he tried to teach her the three continents she missed by starting off with the story of our family trip to Australia a few years ago.

She asked how long the drive was.

I swear to God.