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(This post does not turn into the post you might think it would. I mean, come on, I’m sure you all can already see the tip of a giant carrot with googly eyes. So give me the benefit of the doubt, take my word, and read along even if you like President Bush.)

I’ve managed to stay away from talking about political matters here on Shyzer. There have been countless times in the past few months were I almost broke down and started ranting and raving over how far President Bush is setting this country back, but I’ve managed to contain my emotions and hold back my feelings. For the past year, I’ve been utterly amazed over the hypocrisy of the Bush Administration. I cannot believe half the stuff that comes out of their mouths and at least half of their policies are down right retarded at best.

As a student of history, I’ve grown to learn how political and diplomatic figures think and act. You have to think in the long term, not the immediate future. Hell, studying history alone teaches you how to do that, much less when you study how successful world leaders operate. Bush is the type of President who is fixated on bandaging the cut on a leg while the patient is having a heart attack. Then when the patient dies, he looks around stunned and mumbles under his breath how it was the nurses fault, and calls his friends down at the morgue to help him out by clearing him of any wrongdoing.

Okay, you know what? I’m not going to do this to you all. I’m know you’re not here to read about my political views (and while we’re on the topic…why are you here?) so I won’t subjugate you all to a post where I list the reasons why I think President Bush is a horrible President. (And I’ve gotten up to well over 100 the last time I made said list). Instead, I’ll let the site below do all the talking for me. If you are interested in why President Bush desperately needs to lose the election in November, click it. If not, don’t. Either way, if I can get one person out there to click it and read through some of the articles, then I’ve done my job.

Anybody But Bush 2004

Instead, I am going to give you some of these other, not-so-well-known candidates who are running against President Bush in November. You all know of the Democratic Presidential Nominee John Kerry (and the URL name for that link to Kerry could not be more true) and many of you know about the Green Party candidate Ralph Nader. But like I said, there are a few others choices out there who you might want to consider before you head to the polls this November.

Therefore, I give you Chris P. Carrot. Retarded name aside, Chris shows quite a bit of promise. The first question you might be asking is why the hell you are voting for a produce item. Well that’s simple. According to Chris, “It will take a carrot to improve America’s vision!” Get it? Vision? Get it? Yeah…okay, so horribly placed pun aside, Chris still has some great ideas. He wants the entire population to convert to vegetarianism. Whoops, I meant to say he has some fucking retarded ideas. I’ve always gotten those two confused.

Some of his critics have expressed concerns that he doesn’t look “presidential” enough. Now I personally don’t have anything against a giant penis in a tuxedo and top hat, but I can see where others might object. I just think those who object fail to see how much influence he could have with other world leaders. Female leaders would be fixated on his….um…head while male leaders would be admiring that sparkly bowtie he wears. Classy.

But I’m still not sold on his support group. Unlike Kerry, Carrot has already named his running mate, Colonel Corn. He currently spends his time supporting PETA, who to the best of my knowledge pisses off Democrats and Republicans alike. He seems to preoccupied with his “peas for peace” program to effectively take over Dick Chaney’s evil cyborg role. He also doesn’t look that delicious, and when I think about it, neither does Carrot. What happens when they both spoil? Or if their secret service body guards get a case of the munchies and see a large boiling pot of water across the room? No, these guys certainly can’t have my vote.

Since I’m not too fond of the idea of eating nothing but fruits and soy beans for the rest of my life, I decided to take a look at the next candidate, Tabby. Just like the name implies, she’s an ugly house cat whose eaten her fair share of mice over the years. Personally, I’ve got a problem with Tabby right off the box. First, her “Presidential” website is lacking. She went a little overboard with the animated gifs and seems to think that her horrid Photoshop skills are decent enough to show to the rest of the world. She’s even still on a Geocities account. Sorry, but my President needs to be able to pull enough strings to buy his own domain. I even question whether or not her owner really wants her and if this is a legitimate candidate. Her press photos show her sitting in the glass recycling crate. Is this campaign just an excuse to get rid of her? Since when did the Presidency position become a local Animal Shelter?

Okay, I admit, I still had yet to find a candidate that I could get behind and fully support. I was still in search of that perfect leader to guide my country for the next four years, but I finally found him in Gay Penguin. That’s right, we’ve finally reached the day when a gay penguin can rune for President and I for one could not be any more thrilled. We’re already the laughing stock of the world and the butt of everybody else’s jokes…why not have a Gay Penguin be our President!?! It’s so crazy, mind numbingly retarded, and pathetic that it’s downright perfect!

Gay Penguin is a homosexual penguin. He is incapable of speaking, of signing laws and bills, and perhaps even incapable of abstract thought. However, in retrospect, the past four years of American Leadership have been so poor that Gay Penguin would have easily been the best choice for America. Gay Penguins are coming out. Just recently, two penguins at the Central Park Zoo in Manhattan have celebrated six years of monogamy, and zoo keepers have given them an egg to raise, which hatched successfully. While Christian Fundamentalists rally around Constitutional Amendments against Gay Marriage, Gay Penguins are proving that God has no problems with Gay Marriage or Gay Adoption.

Hell, I’m liking Gay Penguin already. But that’s not all folks. After reading about Gay Penguin and seeing his picture on his site, I knew I’d seen him before, but I couldn’t quite think of where. I gave up on trying to figure it out and it wasn’t until I was joking around the other day with some friends until I finally remembered where I’d seen him! I was reciting a hilarious quote from The Simpsons: “It’s my first day!” and was reminded of the scene near the end of that episode. That’s right folks. Gay Penguin served aboard the S.S. Antarctica and I’ve got the pictures to prove it.

So that settles it. We’ve got a soon to be President who: is gay, has war time experience, appreciates fresh shrimp and squid, can handle those frigid winters, and most importantly was on the Simpsons. I think I’ve found my candidate.

(Serious Note: Check out Gay Penguin’s owner’s site. Doubtful many of you will like it, but I enjoyed parts of it, especially the plea to John Kerry to stop being an idiot and just win this damn thing.)

Anybody who knows me knows that I spend an inordinate amount of time on the Internet. It’s not like I’m addicted to it or anything (and if I am, then we all know I’ve yet to take the first step towards recovery), but whenever I have a free moment and a computer is nearby, I jump on it and see if there’s anything new to gander over. When I get really bored, I head over to Google and see if I can find anything new. Seriously. I just type something random into the search bar and leave it to the Gods to provide me with something entertaining within the first 30 results or so. I literally have a folder in my Favorites dedicated to nothing but the random sites I find every now and then.

While in the midst of a caffeine-driven, sleep deprived frenzy last week, I was racking my brain for something new to search for. It was then that two random brain nodes decided to spark each other and give me the idea of typing in “Japanese Commercials.” The first result turned up a priceless site full of American celebrities doing commercials in Japan, otherwise known as Japander’s. Some of the best ones on there are done by Governor (you don’t know how hard it is for me to type that) Schwarzenegger. I suggest the left and right ones on the middle line for him. The Simpsons have a few funny ones as does Sean Connery and a talking stuffed bunny.

But even B-list celebrities are cashing in. Stevie Wonder saw well enough to recognize the easy money, Whitney Houston found a new income for her crack habits, and hellMichael J. Fox was even able to control his Parkinson’s long enough to cash in on the fad!

The basic rule of thumb for finding the really funny ones is to look for screenshots of the actor or actresses with an extremely heroin-driven, murderous, crazed look on their face. Then you know you’ve struck gold. But have a look around. The laughs you’re sure to get are well worth the time.

And finally, I want to share a few things from an IM conversation Dave and I had earlier. I received an IM from Dave telling me that he’d been kind enough to sign me up for a new dating service and that I could check out my personal video here. Once I regained the ability to breathe from the fit of laughter I had, I went and made this to counter the one he made of me. And then I went ahaed and made this one just for the pure hell of it. =) They’ll only be good for another 10 days or so, so go check them out.

Okay Stan, this is for you bitch. I didn’t write this! I got it from somewhere else and I thought about cleaning it up, but it just wasn’t as funny after I did. Yes, there is more “fucks” in here then I usually use, but that’s what makes it funny.
And now, just for you saying you’d never let me proof another paper of yours, I am telling Caitlin nasty, NASTY things about you and forbidding her from ever talking to you again!

“You know what’s ALWAYS bothered me? Cold cereal mascots. I mean, that is just some FUCKED UP SHIT. The Trix rabbit, for example. I remember a commercial where the fucking rabbit WENT INTO A FUCKING STORE AND BOUGHT A BOX OF TRIX WITH HIS OWN FUCKING MONEY. Fucking kids came outta NOWHERE and basically fucking mug the poor stupid bitch rabbit. “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids.” Fucking rabbit just sits there and looks depressed. That shit wouldn’t fly with me! I’d have pimp-slapped EVERY ONE OF those fucking bitches, made them go get me the REST of a “complete breakfast,” eaten the Trix right in front of them bitches, and THEN beat the shit out of them. And what the fuck is with the disguises? All the dumb rabbit does is hide his ears and all of a sudden he’s a fucking kid? I dunno about you, but if I saw a 6 foot fucking RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap, I wouldn’t immediately think, “Hey, there’s a cool looking human kid, let me go over and share some of my cereal with him.” NO! I’d be thinking, “there’s a 6 foot fucking RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap…what the FUCK was I just smoking?” And another thing…what the fuck is up with cereal being “A part of this complete breakfast?” Last time I checked, cereal WAS breakfast. They show a big ass bowl of frosted flakes next to a waffle, a pancake, toast, a banana, a fucking grapefruit… who the FUCK eats a breakfast that big? But back to stupid cereal mascots…Lucky Charms. FUCKING LUCKY CHARMS! Lucky can turn the fucking MOON into a marshmallow, but he can’t escape a bunch of fucking 6 year olds?!?!? C’mon now, Lucky, I KNOW your bitch ass has got to have a “Blow the fucking kids up” spell SOMEWHERE! Or make “kid marshmallows” and EAT those bitches. “They’re after me Lucky Charms!”….KILL THEM, BITCH! I dunno why I went off on this rant here; it’s just always bothered me.”

Tommy: Clay, how long have you had that shirt on? Since we got here?
Clay: Yeah
Me: Eh, that’s no big deal. I’ve had the same pair of underwear on for at least a week.
Clay: …Me too…
Tommy: ….Me too…
*laughter*

Well, last week was Spring Break for my brothers. The timing couldn’t have been any better for I desperately needed something to occupy my mind and some quality video gaming and fart jokes worked wonders. (Just a warning, there might be a joke or two in here that will only be funny to myself, Tommy, and Clay. Just skip over those and pretend you saw nothing.)

They flew in on Tuesday night and I was sitting right there waiting for them. Actually, I had been there for a good 20 minutes watching one of the funniest things I had ever seen. You all know how airports have landing lights at night for the planes, right? Well apparently somebody screwed something up, because the lights were flashing and blinking in the most spastic way possible. Not a single light was in sync with another. Some were on, some were off, some were blinking exceptionally fast, some were in that slow, drawn out delay type blink, and the rest were just flashing at normal speed. And all awhile, there are men running around on the tarmac going from electrical box to electrical box trying to figure out what in the hell was going on. I thought maybe they were just testing the skills of the pilots that night. You know, teasing the rookies and making them do something way out of their range. Thankfully, the boys’ plane had already landed, so their pilot must have been a pro or something.

Now, before they came down, I had clearly given them a list of 3 things to bring with them. (1) My mom’s camera so that I could take some pictures while they were down here. (2) Some photo albums of old pictures of me so that I could put them on Shyzer, and (3) My birthday presents from two months ago. When I picked them up, I asked them if they had remembered everything and they both froze. Never a good sign. They had forgotten 1 and 2, but luckily they remembered 3. No worries, I told them, we’d just pick up a disposable camera at Wal Mart since we were headed there to grab some groceries. When they heard this, they both burst out laughing and refused to tell me what they were laughing at, promising instead to tell me about it when we got to the apartment.

We shopped around in Wal Mart for a while and as we were leaving, I remembered something that I had wanted to buy for a while. Easter Reece Cup Eggs. I love those things and you can only get them for like 2 months out of the year, so we swung over to the candy isle to pick some up. When we got there, we couldn’t find any and began to frantically search the few isles that held all the candy. Now, here is the key part that I’ll explain later. While we were searching for the candy, Tommy and Clay kept running up ahead of me and blocking out parts of the isle. I never noticed it until they told me about it later on, but they couldn’t stop laughing and kept making up bullshit excuses about why they were laughing that I just accepted.

During our search, Tommy felt the need to reach up on the top shelf and grab one of those giant Easter egg baskets they sell that comes with all the candy pre-packaged. After he was done playing with it, he attempted to stick the thing back up on the shelf, but every time he put it up there, it would start to fall back on him. So finally, he shoved it up there and turned towards Clay and me brushing off/clapping his hands in one of those motions you do when you finish up a task. As he stood there smiling over his conquering of the basket, we heard a sudden crash come from the next isle over. Apparently he shoved the damn thing a little too hard and it sent the baskets lining the other side crashing to the floor. It was right around this time that we gave up our search for the eggs and went to check out. Things were already looking good for the coming week =)

When we got back to my apartment, I put away the groceries while they unpacked and made fun of how dirty everything was. Hey, I vacuumed the floor for them. What more did they expect? Finally, I told them that I wanted to open my birthday present. They handed it to me and after I opened it, I was speechless. My mom had gotten me this. I was going crazy and they were laughing like hell. I finally understood why they were laughing in the car when I told them that I’d buy a disposable camera, but it didn’t explain the laughing in Wal Mart. Well they proceeded to tell me that the fucking disposable cameras were on the damn candy isles and I never saw them. They kept trying to block them from me so that I wouldn’t waste my money on one and I had to give it to them that they did an excellent job of keeping me off track.

I’ve played around with the camera so much. Every picture from the Shaved section in my galleries was taken with the new camera and I have plenty more pictures to upload once I get the time. To go with the camera, however, they got me a memory card that we found exceptionally funny. Here, let’s play a little game. Take a look at it and tell me if you can see anything funny with it. Look at it. Look at it. See anything? Yeah, that’s right, that small little memory card came with about 50 pounds of plastic, none of which encased it for it’s protection. We could not stop laughing at it once we noticed it. We also had a little more fun with my web cam.

We spent the majority of their time just hanging out and playing video games. There was some trouble at night as we had to decide who would sleep on the floor. See, at my apartment, we have what some people call a “problem.” A “roach” problem if you will. They like us. A lot. We seem to be like a popular roach vacation resort like Club Med or something, what with all the food my roommate Phil leaves out for them and whatnot. So the floor soon earned the nickname Roach Interstate 90 or RI90 for short. Tommy would freak out at the mere mention of a roach and my constant taunting about how they would crawl into his mouth at night didn’t seem to help maters =)

Fellner was ever so kind to take us out to eat on his Trillion Bonus Bucks that he has here for food on campus, so we quickly accepted each night and choose Pizza Hut as our destination of choice. Now, I’m all for fresh pizza. Hell, who likes lukewarm food when it could be made piping hot? But there are some times when I just want my damn food. This was one of those times. This was also one of those times that the 12 people working behind the counter decided to chill out and make one pizza at a time. They were, however, stocking up on case after case of buffalo wings. Now, not a single person had picked up a case of wings. The wings section was overflowing with cases into the pizza section and after about 20 minutes of this, it just became absolutely hilarious. Tommy asked if they would just put some pepperonis on the wings so that he could pretend it was a pizza, but they didn’t think it was quite as funny as I did.

I’m not sure what day it was, but one afternoon we got to wrestling like we always do. I can’t even remember who was trying to pin who, but in the middle of everything, I apparently destroyed Tommy’s groin area with my deadly left knee. He quickly doubled over in pain and was shouting barely audible curse words at me and so I was left to do the only thing I knew how to do - recite an appropriate quote from either The Simpsons, Major League I / II, or Seinfeld. I picked the middle option for the following quote: “I did get kicked in the balls once by a mule. Now, I thought that I would be hurting for the rest of my life, but you know what happened the very next week? *sniff* My momma died. Hell, after that, I didn?t care no more about my balls hurting. You see what I’m getting at??

It worked perfectly. The three of us could not stop laughing for at least 30 minutes and for the rest of their stay, we’d randomly say “My momma died” and DIE laughing. I’m telling you folks, there is a quote from any of those three that will solve any problem life throws at you.

One last source of amusement for us was this workout machine owned by my roommate. DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW IN THE HELL YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO USE THIS? The best we could come up with was sitting on top of it and riding it like a mechanical bull since the top part of it can swivel 360 degrees. I’m not kidding you people. We cannot for the life of us figure out how in the hell this piece of equipment should be used properly. Any help would be greatly appreciated, although if we ever do learn the true method of usage, it might take away from the humor we find in not knowing how to use it. That’s a sacrifice I?m willing to make.

There were plenty more jokes that I’ve decided not to elaborate on (everybody leaves the apartment???..Halo?! or dragging them with me while I tutored Anna or forcing Tommy to hold that cake or trying to order at Sonic). On Saturday, I drove them back to our hometown so that Clay could see my dad for a day before he had to fly back out. All in all, we had a damn good time and have already made plans to do it again in the fall. Thanks for the good time bros =)