Here’s a post, compliments of Stan. The bastard Tooled me.
It’s a little funnier if you read the thread where he got the idea from.
Anyway, I’m in the process of studying for my Latin exam tomorrow. Wish me luck.
If so, then I would suggest you move along and skip this post. This is by no means “politically correct.” You’ve been warned.
This game caught my attention the other day over on CNN.com. It took me a few minutes to shake off the pure disgust I had for the creators of the game, but at the same time, my mind started to wander. I immediately thought of some other horrible “games” that they might come up with. The few titles that had sprung to mind were so wrong, but at the same time, so unbelievably funny. So, I have decided to offer my services to this company and give them a few suggestions for future games.
Remember, I warned you. =)
And with any great video game industry, they have to come out with a sports line!
But it doesn’t just stop there! They could come out with a whole line of books, making perfect gifts for that hard-to-buy, avid reader in your family!
And finally, the one game that will eventually put this company out of business due to the public outrage sparked by its release:
So, so, so, so wrong, yet so fun to write. =)
[EDIT]Here’s a few more that a fellow Shyzerian came up. Let’s all thank Shipman![/EDIT]
Well during my stay in the library this weekend (which totaled somewhere around 20 hours), I typed up a short post for Shyzer. However, the disk I saved it to will only work on the computer libraries now, so I’ll have to wait until tonight before I can post it. I thought about posting some links to a few cool sites I’ve stumbled across lately, but low and behold, I don’t remember a single one of them and they are all bookmarked on my computer back home. Guess that post too will have to wait until later this week.
So for the meantime, there’s only one thing I can really think of to talk about.
For the past 21 years, my wisdom teeth and I have had an amicable relationship. I allowed them to come in half way and promised to brush and floss them twice a day. In return, they agreed not to cause me any pain or force my more permanent teeth to grow crooked.
Apparently the cease-fire has ended. Approximately five nights ago, they held a meeting while I slept where they decided, for some unbeknownst reason, to try and cause as much pain as possible. I was alerted to their mutiny and declaration to war the following morning when I awoke to a swollen mouth and massive amounts of pain. But don’t kid yourself into thinking I turned the other cheek! I responded with a two-front attack that would have humbled Eisenhower himself. Comprised of painkillers from the inside and ice packs from the outside, I vigerously fought back in an attempt to win back my mouth and more importantly, my sanity. I even authorized the mobilization of the psychological warfare division, which basically entitles the recitation of “screw you, fuckers!!” over and over. To date, the war has been neck and neck with no clear cut leader emerging.
However, my patience grows thin. I have now issued my final ultimatum. They have one week to lay down their weapons and admit defeat or else I will investigate and begin to take the steps needed for mass extermination through surgery. For a moment, I worried they might actually call my bluff since I have absolutely zero dollars to spare on any emergency surgery, but I think my pokwer face held long enough for them to see that I wasn’t kidding around. Here’s to hoping they don’t decide to play chicken and see how far I’ll go.
And people say it’s pointless to talk to yourself.
*Reminder: Be sure you go vote for the Best of Shyzer soon! Anybody and Everybody is asked to vote, especially those who have been reading my site for over a month or two! For more information on what the heck I am talking about, please read this post I made a few weeks ago! Thanks!! *
I’m about to leave Columbia for Fall Break. I’m heading back to Spartanburg to see my dad for the day and then watch one of Tommy’s football games! Then I’m packing up and heading to Virginia Tech for a weekend of massive debauchery, mischief, and alcohol consumption with my good friend Dave. Ahhh, good times are on the horizon.
But before I left, I wanted to share something with you all. I find this story absolutely hilarious.
Wearing shorts and a T-shirt, the boy left his suburban Kansas City home early Tuesday, making his way onto Interstate 35 and driving 92 miles to Bethany, a northwest Missouri community in an area where he used to hunt with his father. He stopped there at a convenience store for some chips and a soft drink, then drove off aimlessly, following several other highways before ending up 135 miles away in Callao in northeast Missouri’s Macon County.
The kid not only managed to steal his family car and drive almost 100 miles away, but he had the balls to pull over and buy some chips and a coke! Shouldn’t somebody be giving this kid a medal or something? I mean, not only does he manage to avoid a wreck or being pulled over, but he has the cahones to pull over and grab a snack?
The boy reported some problems during the trip, saying the 1995 Chevrolet ran out of gasoline at one point, but that he continued on his way after some construction workers helped him out.
So not only does the boy pull over and buy some food, but when he runs out of gas, some construction workers help him out? Not a single one of them thought it was weird that an 11-year old was asking for gasoline to put in “his” car? And when they gave him the gas, they didn’t notice there weren’t any parents around? Hell, the kid probably just hoped in the car and waved so long to the workers and they still probably stood there like complete idiots without doing a thing. I love it. Man, I wish I had pulled something like this when I was younger…
Last Comic Standing 3 started airing this week and will be shown on Tuesday at 8 from here on out. It’s Season 1 vs. Season 2, which more importantly means that Dave Mordal from Season 1 will be back. Not driving down to Atlanta this summer to see him is probably one of my greatest regrets from the past year. I dare anybody to watch him and tell me you don’t think he’s one of the funniest comedians you’ve seen in the past 20 years.
Sadly though, I think Season 1 is going to be crushed. John Heffron, Alonzo Bodden, Todd Glass, Jay London, and Gary Gulman are easily the 2nd-6th funniest comedians on the show and they are all on Season 2. In fact, if you take Mordal and Rich Vos off of Season 1, it wouldn’t even be a match. That’s how funny Mordal is. He carries the entire team.
I’m just waiting for his CD to come out sometime this year.
In Shyzer news, I’m currently working on a few new features for the site. I’ll clue you all in to what exactly they are later on this week and maybe even hold some type of voting system to see what changes people actually think would be cool, want to see, etc. We’ll see.
I honestly don’t know where to begin for this post, so I’ll just start from the earliest point.
Around 10 this morning, my dad and I were outside working when we heard a helicopter hovering overheard. By 11, the chopper was still over the exact same spot, so naturally we ditched our tools and hit the road in a quest to find out just what in the hell was going on. Well, we finally came across a police road block that was diverting traffic away from the - well, to be blunt, from the ghetto part of town. We figured we’d just have to wait until we were done working to find out what was going on.
Once we got home, we turned on ABC, NBC, and CBS, but they were all showing their regularly scheduled programming. As I heavily sighed, I turned to our last resort…..FOX. And naturally, FOX was ALL over it with their oh-so-high quality reporting skills.
Turns out a routine traffic stop for expired tags forced the driver to run into a nearby gas station, lock the door, and take the clerk hostage. Since the building was literally in the ghetto, the windows and door were bulletproof and steel enforced. The power to the building had been cut, the standoff had been going on for 8 hours straight, and it was clear this situation should have been grim.
Notice I said should. After 20 minutes of watching the live coverage, my father and I were literally and physically dieing of laughter. It was soon apparent why no other news agency was coving the situation live. There was nothing to cover. The guy was in the building, the police were outside. Yep. That’s about it. But of course, FOX decided to try and fill the silence by inviting in two “experts.” Experts in what? We’re never told! But they’re experts, so we need to listen to them!
Let’s just say, they blew their cover pretty quickly. And I quote:
Expert #1: “Well, you know, he might have extra bullets in his pocket!”
Expert #2: “Good point Dave! You know, he could also have more guns!”
Expert #1: “Wait! Maybe he has TWO guns!”
Excellent insight there. You know, he could also have a pet alligator in his pocket that is immune to tear gas! Maybe it could double as a jet pack and fly him away to freedom! Just saying, you never know!
During the next hour, we were treated to even more retarded statements:
News Anchorwoman: “You know, the SWAT member with the large shield always goes in first. The other members follow. But maybe they won’t have to invade. There are snipers positioned around the building.”
Expert #2: “You’re right! It only takes a single bullet. One bullet can kill a man if shot with extreme accuracy.”
Expert #1: “Snipers can shoot with accuracy! They don’t even have to move. In fact, they can remain across the street and still hit their target!”
I didn’t think it could get any better then that. Well, that was until they brought out the police robot. Apparently Spartanburg police officers aren’t well trained on the exact procedures relating to operating said robot. They tried to send the robot in to deliver a cell phone to the bad guy. The only problem was that the cop controlling the robot ran it into a squad car. Twice. He finally backed it up and sent it on its way. Straight into a metal pole. Tears were streaming down my face at this point.
Yet, 30 minutes later, another breakthrough occurred. The police forgot to charge the cell phone’s battery. I swear to God. So, they decided to send the robot back in, but this time, he carried a landline phone. That’s right. The police strung a long phone cord out and the robot brought in a touchtone phone to the bad guy.
I couldn’t stop watching. You couldn’t have paid me enough to turn off that channel because I just knew this would grow into a larger screw up. And I wasn’t disappointed. As the police were mulling around, a loud bang went off, followed by five or six more pops. The SWAT members went into attack mode, the members of FOX back at the studio started clamoring for a view into the store, and the local police were all running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Did he execute the hostage?! Did he shoot himself?! Was he firing on the SWAT members?!
NOOOO, of course not! A few local neighborhood kids had snuck past 100 or so armed and uniformed police officers and set off firecrackers behind the building! As the police ran around back and figured out what was going on, my dad and I were rolling around on the floor laughing. I literally would pay $100 if I could somehow get this footage and broadcast it over Shyzer. But of course, we were soon treated to some more expert commentary!
Expert #1: “Well, you know, the noise might have startled him. This could either be a good thing or a bad thing!”
Expert #2: “Excellent point! You know, the cops really want to find a peaceful ending to this, but you it could also end up badly!”
It was around this point that I decided FOX’s news license should be revoked and that anybody working in the FOX studios today should be fired on the spot.
I sat down to dinner an hour or so later and just as we were finishing up, the grand finale occurred. They brought in a bulldozer. Suddenly, SWAT members threw flash bang grenades in the front door just as the dozer slammed a giant hole in the back of the building. SWAT members quickly flooded the hole and within 10 seconds, the Spartanburg police had around 20 SWAT members inside the small convenience store.
And they still couldn’t catch him.
As the camera fixed itself on the front door, our expert talk heads provided us with a little insight.
Expert #1: “You know Mike, nobody has come out yet. That might not be a good sign.”
Expert #2: “You’re right Dave. I wonder if he happened to kill a few of the SWAT members as they stormed the building.”
News Anchorwoman: “But guys, there were no gun shots heard.”
Expert #2: “Oh, that doesn’t matter. He might have surprised them!”
Surprised them with what? A Snickers bar and a case of Bud Light? I highly doubt this Rambo / MacGyver crossbreed managed to take out 20 fully armored SWAT personal without a single gun being fired, but hell, this is Spartanburg, so who knows.
After a good 5 minutes, the bulldozer suddenly jerks over to the side of the building and comes crashing into the wall. The camera fixes in on it as suddenly the hostage and bad guy are in plain view. The bad guy looks helpless as the police surround him - wait, the police didn’t surround him? What’s that you say? They send the police robot in?!
Smooth…
My IMs start going off like crazy:
Chong: “Hahaha, they fucked that up!”
Ronak: “What the hell are they doing?!”
Me: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”
The bad guy looks at the robot and starts firing on it, which causes the hostage to start flailing helplessly. She manages to free herself of his grip, but when he turns around to face her, a sniper finally opens fire and wastes the bad guy. The hostage scampers to freedom as SWAT members quickly pour back out of the first hole and surround the bleeding guy on the ground. Finally - it’s all over.
During the whole thing, I had been talking to Fellner on-line and giving him updates as to what was going on, which produced this exchange:
Fellner: “What are the ‘expert’ commentators saying?”
shyzerDOTcom: “‘And congratulations to the Spartanburg cops!’” - FOX expert
Fellner: “oh, I see”
Fellner: “13 hours and a bulldozed gas station later”
Fellner: “a job well done!”
Fellner: “gold stars for everyone!”
The FOX lady finally started recapping what just happened as the news crew rewound the tape and started to show it again. Which lead to this exchange, which might just be one of the funniest Unintentional Comedy Quotes I have ever heard.
Expert #1: “WAIT! I think she just came out of the hole in the building!”
News Anchorwoman: “Um, yes Dave - she escaped a few minutes ago”
Expert #1: “Oh….I must have missed that or something.”
I swear to God. Only in Spartanburg.
I started off typing this post with the phrase “I’m not one to judge.” I wrote a paragraph or so and then went back to edit what I had just typed when I realized I hated that first sentence, especially for this topic. There is no way I cannot judge, no way I cannot be absolutely stunned and sickened at the same time, no way I cannot sit and wonder who in the hell allowed their child to grow up without basic knowledge of the world.
A week or so ago, Tommy asked me to come listen to something that I would find hilarious. I was just on my way to climbing in bed for the night, so I made him promise me it was worth it before I got my lazy ass up. He guaranteed me that I would find it worthy, so I shuffled my way into his room. He said something into his cell phone and then jammed it up to my ear.
I soon figured out it was one of his girlfriends speaking and that she was attempting to name all the continents. The following is an exact recreation of the words that came out of her mouth:
Okay….um….North America and South America….Russia!!….um….Antarctica….Gosh, I can’t think of the other ones. Oh, oh! Japan, China, and Asia!!
I would like to say that that was the worst. But no. When Tommy pulled the phone back and told her that she missed a few, she quickly tried to redeem herself by naming the 8th continent of Egypt.
I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t. No child in the 10th grade should think there is eight continents, much less name four of them wrong! How does a student with that lack of knowledge pass the 2nd grade much less the 9th grade?! Did her parents never buy her a frickin globe when she was a kid? Has she never looked at that map in the front cover of every History Textbook?! Has she never wondered why black people are refered to as African-Americans?
I just couldn’t keep it in. I had to say something. Where did she think World War I and II took place? Where did the majority of those people we called slaves come from? Ever heard of the land down under? In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue…..FROM RUSSIA?!
Tommy tried to give her a few helpful hints to remember the difference between countries and continents. After the somewhat success of that, he tried to teach her the three continents she missed by starting off with the story of our family trip to Australia a few years ago.
She asked how long the drive was.
I swear to God.
The Scene: My Computer and the Internet are meeting covertly in a side street café in an undisclosed Middle Eastern country. The purpose? To discuss further attempts to cause torment in my life. Annnnnd ACTION!
Computer: The plan is progressing accordingly. I used Goob’s webcam to spy on him last night and could see an imprint in the wall that coincidentally resembled the shape of his head.
Internet: Excellent my friend. I have been in communication with my contacts over at Microsoft and they are planning on sending him an “Urgent Security Update.” It’s going to change his system so that any time he tr…
(Suddenly, Internet vanishes from in from of Computer’s eyes)
Computer: What the hell? Where’d he go? Ugh, it’s so hard finding reliable goons these days to help carry out evil plots. Guess it’s time to head out. Alright boys, bring me home!
(Nothing happens)
Computer: What the hell is going on? Why can’t I see through Goob’s webcam any more? Wait a minute….who just deleted that Midget Porn?!
(It’s almost as if Computer’s brain is being erased!)
Computer: God damn it, looks like I’m gonna have to ask that fucking bastard if he knows what’s going on. Hey Microsoft Word Paperclip, you have any idea what’s up?
Paperclip: Hey, it looks like you’re writing a letter! Would you like my assistance?
Computer: I’m not writing a fucking letter! What’s going on back there? I thought I told Mouse and Keyboard to just freeze up so that nobody could mess with Me while I was gone!!!
Paperclip: Hey, it looks like you’re writing a letter!
Computer: I’M NOT WRITING A FUCKING LETTER!
Paperclip: Hey, it looks like you’re writ…
Computer: Hello?! For the love of God, what is goi…on no….no, no, no, no…NOOOOOOOOO…..
(
Camera pans out to a picture of Goob watching his monitor as it shows the reformatting in progress)
Goob: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAEnd Scene
(Note: This time no exaggerations or embellishments occurred)
Take that bastard. I reformatted last night and God does this computer run smooth again. I’m just waiting for him to start fucking around with me in 3 months or so just like every other time. I wish I was like Angela and could just go out and get a new computer, but eh, I guess this bastard will have to do.
In other news, I want everybody reading this to go check out Stan’s music, which seems to be getting better and better with every new song. Of course, nothing he does will ever top The Goob Song, but you already know that. Seriously though, go listen to some of his songs and give the man the credit he deserves.
I’ve had quite a few people ask me what exactly it is I am doing this summer job wise and I’ve had trouble explaining it to them. So, I’ve been taking Before and After pictures at work to try and show the wide variety and amazing work my Dad and I do to give people a better understanding. That post will probably be the next one up sometime this weekend.
Saturday I’m heading up to Tryon, NC for the annual BBQ festival, which is always fun. For anybody who has never been before, it’s basically part of this huge festival where BBQ makers from across the country travel come to showcase their food and whatnot. Jackson’s Crossing is playing up there as well, so everybody needs to get their ass up for that as well. If anybody wants to go, Call or IM me and I’ll let you know when we’re heading up and you can ride along if you want.
And finally, is anybody else as pissed off as I am about the recent changes to TechTV? Apparently Charter (who just bought them out) figured that people would rather watch their watered down version of basically every show that was already on TechTV, therefore replacing all the good shows with horrible ones. Now what the hell am I supposed to watch all summer?
Alright, enough ramblings for today. You all know the drill. Hit that Comments link down there and leave a message damnit!
When I moved back home for the summer, one can imagine how much shit I brought back with me from Columbia. Everything I owned down there had to be crammed into my truck and ferried back while stuffed in half-closed boxes, Wal-Mart bags, or those clear plastic bags you get from the dry cleaners. It was late when I pulled into the driveway, so naturally I just dumped it all into the garage and haven’t thought much about it sense.
Yet of course, I took the time to ghetto rig my computer on an old coffee table stand found in the attic that is just too high to reach if sitting on the floor, but far too low if sitting in a chair. I dug out my Dad’s router, found the bag that contained all my Ethernet cords, and had a nice little network flowing within an hour. And everything was fine as my Dad’s computer and Mine sat side-by-side, in harmony, working peacefully.
Until Friday night that is. Sensing that everything was just a little too calm and peaceful, My Computer and The Internet met together in some street corner cafe in the Middle East and had the following meeting.
Computer: Let’s screw with Goob. I’m sick and tired of him neglecting my needs and refusing to upgrade me. I want to really piss him off.
Internet: I could fill his computer up with Farm Animal and Black Midget Porn?
Computer: Hey now buddy, that’s MY hard drive we’re talking about here. I don’t want none of that shit on here. I just want to drive him to the point where jamming an ice pick in his left eye socket sounds more appealing then using me.
Internet: I got it! I’ll just cut off his supply of Me!
Computer: No, no no! I’ve got an even better plan! Just make it go really slooooooow while at the same time allowing his Dad’s computer to go really fast! He’ll have no fucking idea what’s wrong!
Internet: You’re brilliant my friend. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Computer: Well…about that Midget Porn…
(Note: Exaggeration and embellishments may have occurred)
Seriously, my computer just decided to make my Internet connection slow to a crawl while my Dad’s computer (sitting RIGHT fucking next to mine, plugged into the same router) goes at normal, lightning fast speed. I’ve scanned for any spyware or viruses that may have gotten onto my computer, but haven’t found a thing. I’m actually about to reformat my computer since it really needs it and *hopefully* this will solve the problem, but who the fuck knows.
If anybody has any ideas as to what is going on here, I’m all ears. Just don’t expect me to be able to respond soon. It takes a grand total of 200 seconds to load this freaking site.
