Shyzer.com

If you’ve read Shyzer for a while, you know that I’m something of a commercial enthusiast. I love good commercials. Problem is, there aren’t many of them. If you think anything that airs during the Super Bowl is a good commercial, then you are retarded and should never voice an opinion again.

Below I’ve compiled a list of current commercials that are so horrible, I want to jab a dull spoon into my eyes whenever I see them come on. If given the option of watching each of these for ten consecutive hours or being dipped in a pit of molten lava, well, go ahead and get my casket ready. The first bunch of commercials are just random ones I hate, with the final three being the Top 3 worst current commercials. I’d say “enjoy” right about now, but I have a feeling that nobody will enjoy suffering through these visual pieces of shit.

And if you haven’t guessed by now, strong language below, mainly because I like to say fuck whenever I get angry and hate something.

Oh, haha. I get it. You took a commercial that everybody hates in the first place and decided to attach your product to it. That makes perfect sense! In fact, why not take it even further? For the next commercial, they should have Hitler and a bunch of his Nazi buddies marching around in their shoes. It’s foolproof.

This doesn’t even make any sense! Were the ad execs on drugs when they approved this stupid thing to air? They’re selling flavored water, so they get some random black chick to start playing music and then have a bunch of lizards dance to it? Actually, when I put it that way, it makes perfect sense! …… No, NO IT DOESN’T!

Huh? What? Oh, sorry, let me get down. I just tried to hang myself with my belt while watching this commercial and was only able to pass out for a few seconds. It was the best five seconds of this commercial, by far.

So let me get this straight. A company came out with a bunch of horrible commercials that made no sense, a TV exec saw them, and then they were turned into a TV show? An actual show? And it didn’t last? WOW, I’M SHOCKED! They cancel shows like Jericho, yet they decide to make a show about a bunch of hairy guys who are cavemen but who don’t actually live in a cave thus making them simply a bunch of hairy guys? Yeah, that’s not really much of a show right there. That’s about as much of a show as somebody following me around with a camera would be. I hope somebody lost their job over this.

Nasty food, ugly actress, retarded voiceover, metaphor that doesn’t even remotely make sense = Goob vomiting.

EDIT: And now the video isn’t even loading. Irony never tasted so delicious. It’s as if the Internet Gods refused to let me spread this horrible piece of shit. Long story short, some chick is walking through the Cici’s buffet line as a voiceover talks about how she’s a precious and fragile flower, then the chick dumps a bunch of food on her plate before her and the voiceover guy suffer a heart attack and dies. Huh, what? The ending doesn’t happen like that? Well it should.

The dialogue should have been “Let’s go, girls!” followed by them driving off a fucking cliff. To make this commercial even more retarded, the final shot of the car driving has the car all wrapped up like a present. GEE, THAT MAKES SENSE! Where’s the followup commercial where everybody involved in the making of this dies in a horrible, flaming car wreck? SOMEBODY GET ON THIS!

Hooray, a commercial that makes us all look like fucking morons! I get it, Americans are so xenophobic that we’re deathly afraid of words that we can’t pronounce or that aren’t clearly English! You’re telling me that there are people out there who know more than one language? BLASPHEMY! Any word that clearly isn’t English needs to be purged from our daily vocabulary. So get the fuck out of here “pizza” and “alcohol” and “coffee.” Yeah, you read that correctly, the word coffee isn’t even English, it’s Arabic. JOKES ON YOU, DUNKIN FATASS DONUTS. That’s it, I’m going to Krispy Kreme, where real donuts are made. In fact, have you ever noticed that there’s never a Dunkin Donuts commercial that actually advertises their shitty donuts? Why the hell do they even bother selling those things anymore?

Ugh. Worst. Song. Ever. Maybe this guy’s credit report is so bad because all he does is sit around and sing smarmy, retarded songs. Although, and I’m not sure how this is even possible, but these commercials are better than the previous FCR.com ones…

Oh, you’re thinking of a number? Is it number two? As in somebody should take a giant dump on this guy’s head? If not, my second guess would be seven million because that’s how many punches to the crotch this guy should receive for pitching a product that’s an obvious scam.

Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!!! I can’t take this anymore. Whose idea was it to make sure that every third commercial features talking characters that in real life shouldn’t be talking? If I saw a bunch of cookies driving down the road in a convertable, I wouldn’t think about how delicious they looked. Instead, I’d go check myself into a mental institute because I would obviously be fucking crazy, which is exactly what these commercials are slowly doing to me!

On the other hand, though, there are people who shouldn’t be allowed to talk on TV either. Like these idiots.

If somebody in my neighborhood started screaming out of their window like these idiots, I can assure you that long story short, there’d be a murder trial in eight to twelve months and I would be an integral part of it.

Step 4: Run to the doctors to get some ointment for the STD I hope you picked up after getting hammered on a shitty alcoholic beverage that has to be “watered” down and then hooking up with some random hot girl that had no place whatsoever in this commercial!

Yeah, no shit you’ve failed them as a parent. I hate it when people type like that in the first place, but I swear to God - the first time my siblings start talking like this, they’re getting a swift kick in the crotch. You hear that Clay and Juls?! TRY ME!

EDIT: I just found this picture. Click to enlarge.

I hate the entire Freakout campaign, but I have to admit that I secretly enjoy this individual ad simply because I enjoy watching the retarded emo kid freakout. Haha, take that you moron, you’re unable to get your daily dose of shitty food! Why don’t you go sit in the corner and cry about it? As a whole, though, I hate the people in these commercials almost as much as I hate the commercials themselves. Are you telling me that people actually gave a shit that a HAMBURGER was removed from the menu at a fast-food joint? Who are these people? Are they allowed to vote? Procreate? Take part in any sociable activity? If so, we need to hold an emergency town-hall meeting and revoke each and every one of these privileges from them.

But enough of this endless commercial bashing, let’s get to my Top 3 hated commercials.

Let’s see, what just happened here? Turtle says hello, mentions a problem, receives some helpful advice, and then proceeds to verbally abuse the living hell out of his mailman. Doesn’t that just scream high speed internet to you?! I can only hope and pray that there is some hidden footage out there that shows the mailman jumping up and down on this fucking turtle and then cooking him into some delicious soup, because that’s what he deserves. The fucking Slowsky’s can go to hell, I HATE THEM.

NO! THIS IS NOT MY FUCKING COUNTRY! Ugh, I hate this commercial. Hate. It. You know how Doctor Cox has an irrational hatred of Hugh Jackman in Scrubs? Well John Mellancamp is my Hugh Jackman. If I ever see him in real life, so help me God, I will make sure he’s never able to create a horrible song again. But focusing solely on the commercial here, I totally understand the angle they were going for. Ooooh, so the only people who drive trucks are people whose job consists of manual labor. Gotcha. I guess I need to sell my truck then.

Oh man, hahaha, did you see the part where two guys are at a restaurant but it says “this is our chat room?” Get it! They’re not really in a chat room! They’re “chatting” in a “room” in real life. Hahaha, witty! Or did you see the part where it said “this is our wingman” while the guy is hunting with his dog? Yeah, that part was great. That dog is totally gonna help him get laid by a duck or doe or something.

But there’s way more than just that one commercial! There’s a whole series! Like this one, where the awesomeness starts right off the bat. See where it says “this is our birthplace” and it shows a car in a garage? Yeah, that’s where I was born too, because my parents didn’t live within driving distance of a decent medical center either. But wait a minute, a few seconds into this video it shows “this is our focus group!” But in the last video, that same scene was our backbone. WHICH ONE IS IT, CHEVY?! DON’T CONFUSE ME LIKE THIS, I CAN’T HANDLE IT!

Ok, I looked everywhere for this and was unable to find a copy of the commercial. This only further proves that it’s so fucking horrible that nobody could even stomach it for 60 seconds it takes to copy it to their computer and upload to YouTube. I’m sure you all know the commercial though, where a guy proposes to a girl at a restaurant and then people begin saying “he went to Jared” until we finally get to their waiter, who is played by Count Dracula, and he proceeds to run around the fine establishment screaming something about Jared before we finally see him pop up like a jack in the box and burn a pan full of food. Aaaaaaaaand, scene.

I don’t even know where to begin with this commercial. I really wish I had some video evidence of it to prove to you just how bad it is. If you’ve ever enjoyed even half a second of this commercial, please don’t let me know, because I will disavow any knowledge of ever having been your friend. It’s that bad. Ugh, I really wish I had some video clip of this. That’s it, I’m going to find some, because I really want to just be able to post it on here and rip it a new one, a la Creation Science Fair.