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So, Desmond and Penny? Best couple on TV? I think so. Incoming reports are a bit conflicting, but I’m receiving news that their tears can cure cancer.

I’m grabbing my pitchfork and demanding a new show called Sayid and Desmond be created. The pilot episode can contain them both just sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch for an hour. Desmond just gets to say “brotha” over and over while Sayid builds an intercontinental ballistics missle out of toothpicks, wax candles, and gummy bears. Brett Favre and Ichiro will show up during the last ten minutes as special guests and then the universe will implode due to so much awesome being in such close proximity. I smell an Emmy!

When you hear celebrities talking about how they live with money problems, you can’t help but feel it’s not quite on par with most people’s money problems. Sure, they may be having trouble purchasing that third mansion down in the Bahamas, but I don’t think that’s quite the same as having your only home foreclosed on.

So when I hear a celebrity talk about raising a child with autism, I surprisingly find myself cringing. I know that somewhere there’s a shred of similarity between their situations and “everybody else’s,” but are they really the best people to become the face of this cause?

Awareness and attention is great, but unelected spokespeople kinda suck.

In hindsight, the pediatrician I saw as a kid wasn’t the kind of guy that instilled confidence or comfort in people, especially when it came to diagnosing them with medical concerns. He looked and acted like a lead character from Revenge of the Nerds. Sure, we all want a doctor who has a strong grasp on medical knowledge, but we also want somebody who looks old enough to shave and who could handle himself in a fisticuffs match with a ten year old girl. It was also blatantly obvious that somewhere along the way he’d clearly been told to work on his bedside manner. As a result, his attempts at small talk and calming banter were always over the top and uneasy. I’m not sure when I experienced my first awkward silence as a kid, but if I was a gambling man, I’d sure as hell pick his office as my best guess.

The story I got from him was always the same. He’d walk in, always fumbling with my chart as if it were made of butter, and break into a smile as he saw me. You could practically hear his brain talking and reassuring him that this would be an easy one. “Hell yes! He has a birthmark on his face! Phew, I can just mention that my brother has one and then get on with the examination!” How many times did I hear the story that his brother had a birthmark that covered half of his face? Beats me, but years later, I can’t remember his name or what his office looked like or even the sickest I might have been when I saw. But damn if I don’t still remember his brother had a birthmark that covered half of his face and it was the same color as mine and there were procedures to remove them if I wanted and did I mention it was the same color as mine and that it was on his brother, but not him because he wasn’t his brother and that ;lkjsdfk

Sorry, I slipped out of consciousness there from boredom.

I never notice my birthmark. Ever. I look in the mirror and either see nothing, since I’m not wearing my contacts, or I see a stunningly, amazing body that is ripped to perfection. Every few weeks I even notice that it’s time to shave! And anybody who has actually seen my body may now commence in shutting the hell up. But my birthmark? I literally don’t see it anymore. Which is why it took me a few paragraphs before I realized this article telling people how to live with a birthmark wasn’t satirical. Somebody actually took the time to write an article about living with a birthmark. Like it’s the same as living with autism or diabetes!

Hell, let me save you the trouble of reading the stupid thing. I can tell you how I live with a birthmark quite easily. I wake up, get dressed (I even wear pants if it’s a special occasion), go about my day, continue to be awesome no matter what, and then go to bed. How might I live if I didn’t have a birthmark? Um…I’d, um…yeah, I’m gonna have to get back to you on that one.

It’s weird too, because every time my pediatrician would launch into his speed rant, I’d hold up a hand and cut him short. Thanks, but no thanks. I loved my birthmark and I didn’t need any brochures about removing it. Yet here on Shyzer, spanning over 700 plus posts, I’ve mentioned my birthmark a whopping one time and even then it was a simple throwaway line to a bigger story. I’ve struggled to come up with posts for more than five years and settled on things from my brother commenting on the bubbles I make while peeing to the eating habits of Australians, but somehow my birthmark fell through the cracks. Yet you’d have to drag me kicking and screaming if you tried to forcibly remove it. Huh, go figure.

I didn’t even think there were any stories in my past where my birthmark played a central role, yet as I thought about it today, one by one a memory would flicker back into focus. I remember a bully in preschool, in a weak attempt to make fun of and embarrass me, once asked if it was where a tiger tried to kill me. I kinda threw him for a loop when I answered, “yes. That’s the scar from when I almost died.” Ten minutes later, I finished telling a harrowing tale of where a baby tiger escaped from his pen and almost mauled me to death. After that, the kids always gave me first dibs at playing with the blocks. Hahaha, even as a kid I was a sarcastic dick. There’s the story of the chick who once asked me if she could kiss and make out with my birthmark. Yeah, that was pretty much the end of that date. I almost wish I’d stuck with her just to see what other stories I might have gained from her clinical craziness. I even have a running gag with some of my friends where every time they see me, they point to my face and say I have something on it and we go through a much longer than needed process that is only funny to us where I try to wipe it off. Good times.

I guess I can understand the aforementioned article though. It’s not even that bad of an article. I guess the aura of a birthmark comes from the fact that 99% of people don’t have one. I can dig and understand that. More than 50% of people have boobs and yet I’m still mesmerized by them, so how can I be one to judge somebody who has questions about a simple birthmark?

For me, it’s pretty damn simple. It’s mine and only mine. The odds of me coming across somebody with the same colored eyes or haircut or shirt are astronomically higher than coming across somebody with the same red splotch on the same part of their face and being the same size. It’s part of my trademark, something that nobody can take from me, but that which is one of the few things I can proudly wear on my sleeve - er, face - for all to see. Even if I don’t see it myself anymore. Maybe this article was worth stumbling across after all.

Thank God The Daily Show is coming back with new episodes tonight, because as I watched the Oscars two nights ago, I was baffled. Jon Stewart and his writers took the prior week off for that? I didn’t laugh once. I didn’t even smile once. It wasn’t funny! His writers have been out of work for three freaking months and after a full week of free time, the best they could come up with was a Nintendo Wii joke and a few flat political jabs? Talk about losing your edge.

You know, maybe I’ll just skip straight to The Colbert Report tonight.

No? Alright, fine, then I guess it’s finally time for me to sit down and pick a candidate to support. Okay, fine, so I did this over two months ago, but you don’t have to know that.

I don’t like writing political posts because to me, politics should be something personal. It’s like sports, I can tell you why I love the Mariners or Packers, but I don’t actually expect a Yankees or Cowboys fan to read it and suddenly go, “Oh my God! I’ve been following the wrong sports team all these years!” So I guess that explains why, if you go back through Shyzer’s archives, you won’t find that many posts about sports or politics or anything else that I feel is pretty personal. But I feel obligated to at least put my thoughts and feelings on the issue out there and let people take what they want from it all. So, if you still have no clue who you’re supporting in the upcoming election, read along and I’ll let you know why I’m campaigning for my candidate of choice.

Within the Democratic party, it’s come down to the much publicized dead heat between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Now, if you watch much news, you’ll notice that pretty much every outlet not called FOX News enjoys figuratively sucking the part of Mr. Obama that rhymes with his first name. It’s like watching a 24-hour commercial for him. So we can’t really expect to get an unbiased opinion from them and thus have to, *gasp*, rely on ourselves, do a little research, and come up with an informed opinion on our own.

Aren’t they the same?

So the first question is, what the hell is the difference between these two candidates? In fact, the easier task is finding out what they both agree on. But don’t just expect Google to easily give you the results on this pressing question, because there’s not a single respected website out there that has such a comparison of the candidates. The New York Times? Nope. Washington Post? Nada. Hell, I’ll even lump in Wikipedia. Do they have a page comparing everybody in order to help Mr. Everyday Joe have an easier time processing all the information for this monumentally important upcoming Presidential election.? No, but they have a page listing changes between the original and rereleases of the Star Wars movies, which contains over 8500 words. Cue me bashing my head against the wall in three, two, one….

Fine, I’ll do this shit myself. Long story short and oversimplified, Clinton and Obama roughly agree on many big issues. On social issues, they’re pro stem-cell research, pro choice, pro civil unions for gays. In fact, they both buck the stereotypical Democrat on social matters over the same issue - marijuana (neither wants to legalize it.) What about economic policy? They both want a balanced budget, pro nuclear power, pro Kyoto protocol, pro alternative fuels, pro net neutrality, pro guest worker program for immigrants, anti Bush tax cuts, and a whole lot more. Also, they of course both want to end the war in Iraq. Aight, cool, I more or less agree with the basic principles of all those issues.

What about the issues they agree upon that I oppose? They’re both anti privatization on social security (give me my damn money and let me take care of myself, damnit!), anti gun, pro minimum wage hikes, pro Israeli, and anti school vouchers. Aight, that’s not too long of a list, I can deal with all that as none of those are huge deal breakers for me. Anyways, there’s no such thing as a perfect candidate, right?

Then their differences are…

So where the heck do they differ? Well, the most publicized split has been on health care, but even here it’s mainly over who qualifies for government health care (similar to welfare) and who simply qualifies for government sponsored health care at a low cost. Honestly, both plans are pretty similar. And….that’s it. Ok, not quite I guess. They each have different trade policies, which I don’t even pretend to understand or care about. Oh, and Obama supports more ethanol spending and research (ugh) while Clinton doesn’t. So now what? How the heck do I pick a candidate? Well, by looking at where each of them has had the balls to speak out on an issue while the other has been mum on it.

As I look at the laundry list of positions I jotted down a while back, I notice that one candidate has far more scribblings under the Cons column than the other. For me, Obama doesn’t have any negative marks that Clinton doesn’t also have. Clinton? Well, she’s come out as being pro death penalty. She’s in favor of video game regulation (give me a break) and is in favor of continuing embargoes against nations such as North Korea and Cuba. That’s about as smart a policy as taking an alcoholic, locking him in a house full of booze, and telling him never to come out and interact with the rest of the world. I also can’t help but feel she completely flipped on the whole Iraq war and only started speaking out against it once it became unpopular.

Obama, on the other hand, has been with me from day one in saying this war was an abomination. In fact, he’s come out in favor for many things I agree with while Clinton has played it safe and not said anything. He’s made it clear he’s a fan of NATO. He’s also said he’ll sit down and talk to anybody, from Castro to Chavez to the ghost soul of Hitler, if that means there’s a chance to find a peaceful solution. Mad props for that. In fact, in the category of small issues that are important to me but few others, that’s right up there at the very top of the list. Blame it on the international politics buff inside of me. He wants to curtail the usage of the death penalty. He doesn’t mind old people getting on buses and driving to Canada to get cheaper drugs and while I’m not quite senile yet, I can’t help but think my back pains will only get worse as I grow older. Plus my family isn’t the spitting image of healthy.

Are any of these enough to tip me towards Obama? Not really, but they’re close. All I need is that X factor, something that can’t be measured in positions or policies. So I sat down one day and watched a few speeches by both Clinton and Obama. I don’t know about you, but when I listen to Obama, I feel good about myself. I don’t see a man who would use scare tactics like the current President. I don’t see a man who would resort to lying to the public. I see a man who looks to the other side of the aisle and thinks of the people there not as his opposition or enemies, but as his equals and potential allies.

Unfortunately for her, all I see in Clinton is another politician. She freaking moved to New York

What about the other guy?

Don’t think I simply overlooked the likely Republican runner, John McCain (and thank God it’s him, because I’m not sure I would have been able to calmly talk about any of the previous Republican candidates). There are some opinions and issues of his that I agree with, albeit, fewer ones than with Obama.

I used to be 100% behind the idea of McCains’s that since we’ve already effed up Iraq, we needed to stay and stabilize the place, even if that meant a complete rebuilding of the country similar to the Marshall Plan. I used to say if we left now, the place would become chaotic and violent beyond belief. Then Jon Stewart acutely asked one of his guests last year, “isn’t it already?” Touche.

McCain has some positions I agree with that neither Obama or Clinton has even broached. He is one of the few prominent Americans who will dare mention that Russia and Vladimir Putin need to be dealt with. Thanks to a little personal insight, he’s one of the few politicians who I trust when they say they’ll do everything in their power to ban torture. He is a staunch supporter of cutting excessive spending in politics and bringing back to the Republican party the ideals of smaller and less intrusive federal governments. There are far worse people to be running against than McCain and for that, I’m exceptionally grateful.

Had John McCain been running in 2004, he easily would have had my vote. I think I made it clear how inept John Kerry was back then. However this year the Democrats not only have a decent candidate in Hilary Clinton, who would most likely win in any similar election, but they also have a once in a generation type. A man who not only inspires and makes people feel good about themselves, but who also knows how to get things accomplished and plan for the future. A man who doesn’t just pander to his base, but who realizes we are more than just “blue” or “red” people. A man who understands that there are other people who don’t just happen to live within the comfortable confines of the United States. A man who respects the boundaries of laws yet who doesn’t stop an inch short of fixing any injustices he encounters. A man who, dare I say, actually instills a sense of hope in people.

In an environment such as todays, with nothing but fear and apocalyptic rhetoric spouted from the mouths of our leaders and where incompetence and failure has been set as the new acceptable level of achievement, such a man is not only refreshing, he’s downright heroic.

Come on Obama, win this damn thing.

Additional Reading

I Refuse to Buy into the Obama Hype - Well researched and argumented article showing how Obama isn’t just hype but instead has a damn strong voting record to back up his ideals.

Clinton-Obama Differences Clear In Senate Votes - Some of these issues are pretty small to me in the grand scheme of things, but they’re there nonetheless.

I can already tell this post is going to be the launching point for two additional posts in the future. One on random, cool things I’ve found on the Internet lately and another on how the Internet has actually hurt “creativity” as much as it’s helped it. Well, maybe not as much, but I’ll save that for later. In the meantime, check out the first part of this video.

It reminds me of a techno song I found a while ago that used a generic beat and nothing but AOL sounds.

I’ve always loved random creations where none should exist. You’d expect to hear decent music from the radio. You know there’s a chance the music will be good if you head to the bar and listen to a local band. Yet nobody who hears the random bells and dings on their computer thinks, “now those would make an awesome song!”

I think it’s pretty nifty that the guy not only created this, but then took the time to show people how they too could make a similar song. Not many people will create something and then put their creation out there for others to modify and build upon, despite the fact that the Internet is not only perfectly suited for this, but essential built upon this model. Far too many people out there (myself included at times) will create something, stick it on the ‘net, and then expect full and total control over it. I can’t help but feel that completely defeats the purpose of sharing something on the ‘net in the first place.

Random Edit: I happened to have IE open since I’m making a new design for HIF and dear God was Shyzer hard to read. Apparently IE hates serif fonts. So I added a little code that keeps the serif font for FF and Safari while displaying sans-serif for IE. In conclusion, Shyzer is now what I deem to be 14 trillion times easier to read if you still use IE.

I’m usually good about not watching promos for upcoming TV shows that I love. I hate being spoiled about anything, even if it’s simply a bunch of half second shots of random scenes. I don’t want to see it! But I’ve never quite been able to stop from watching the LOST promos every chance I get and as tonight’s episode wrapped up, I couldn’t help but notice the helicopter flying directly into the storm next week.

“Well, that’s cool, it totally plays into the Mirror Moon Matter theory!”

Long story turned into a simple sentence, some dude came up with an idea, researched it, discovered some pseudo-science that the creators of LOST have admitted being interested in, and came up with a damn convincing argument as to what the hell is going on in LOST. Well, kinda. I should say, the best argument yet, by far.

If you hate LOST, stop right here and I’ll see ya tomorrow. But if you’re as obsessed with the show as I am, you need to go read everything in that link above. I’ll wait. Yeah, I know, it’s long. But it makes sense! Oh, come on, you still need convincing in order to read that much? How about this:

Things The Theory Answers
The black smoke
How to get on the island
How to get off the island
Why the button had to be pressed every 108 minutes
The whispers
Why the missile took an extra 31 minutes to reach the island
How crazy things, like the Black Rock and Yemi’s airplane, ended up in the middle of the island
Why various characters can see and interact with things that aren’t there, like teenage Walt, the horse, Jack’s dead father, Jacob’s cabin, etc.
Things that are “clues” or “shout outs” to the theory, such as character names, the four-toed foot, the Apollo Bars, DHARMA’s name, etc.
Why the LOST logo twirls like it does at the start of each episode
The hieroglyphs
And more…

So there. Go read it and join me below.

(more…)

Today marks the 15th day since I said I’d post daily. Since then, I’ve made 12 posts, missed four days (because I’m not counting this one) and posted twice on one day. That means I’m three posts behind and need to make 18 posts before 12:01am March 7th in order for it to be an even 30 posts in 30 days.

Honestly, I figured I’d be farther behind at this point in time. Go me

There are only a small handful of things in this world that I haven’t been able to locate via Google. An old childhood friend, an actual cure for my back pain, and after tonight, a basic effing March Madness tournament script. For one of the biggest and most anticipated sporting events in the country, there is a surprisingly huge lack of user generated content for it. The few scripts I’ve been able to find have been by seedy gambling companies charging $300 per download, made for stupid Halo 2 tournaments, or written in the archaic code of Perl. Ugh.

I can install a trillion different sodoku or Vegas poker scripts. Are you telling me there isn’t one nerd out there who also enjoys college basketball? Everybody just waits until ESPN posts their blank file on-line and then prints it out? Nobody has come up with the idea before to hold a similar tournament on-line before and thought to themselves, “gee, this would be a lot easier if I could have a program on-line do this for me!” I find that hard to believe.

In other Goob related news, I can’t find the cord that connects my digital camera to my computer. Anybody know where it is?

EDIT: Hey, click the image below. Come on, do it! How awesome is that?

Everything below this line is simply a long winded message describing the fact that I’m loving how people are leaving comments on Shyzer again. I’d love to say I write for some altruistic reason, but deep down I’m just another attention whore.

In an effort to add a little thank you to all the people who take the time out of their day to comment on Shyzer, I sat down tonight with the goal of adding a “Recent Comments” box to the sidebar. In it, I want to show the last 7 comments left here on Shyzer. Why? Well, for starters, a lot of people go back and make comments on posts a few days old and I wanted to make sure other people saw them. I also wanted to stick in an added bonus for anybody with a site of their own, as their name would contain a link to their site.

However, in the process of doing all this, I discovered that Wordpress widgets aren’t retardedly stupid like I’d previous thought. Instead, they’re pretty damn awesome. As a result, the sidebar will look goofy for the rest of tonight as I properly style each default widget that Wordpress comes with. Why would I care if the widget’s look decent, even if I don’t use them myself? Because I want to one day release this theme as a free Wordpress theme for others to download

And yes, since I’ve spent a few hours teaching myself how these widgets work (and more importantly, how to freaking style them!), this totally counts as today’s post.