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The title of today’s post comes from the very mouths of Chong and myself, where we muttered those very words about 90 times over the course of two weeks in South America.

Basically, the story goes as such. We started our adventure in Chile, where we planned on staying for a week. After that, it was off to Buenos Aires for a week and then back home. Easy, quick, and smooth - well, so went the plan. Alex brought with him a Lonely Planet travel guide for Chile and I brought down a Frommer’s Argentina & Chile 3rd edition travel guide. And let’s just say that it took all of 10 minutes for us to realize that the only thing I’d brought along was a hunk of paper that was going to slow us down.

My first discovery that Frommer’s sucks is when I flipped it open to look at the map inside and found a grand total of one map for Santiago.

One. Map.

Alex flipped his book open and not only was his map far larger than mine, but each subsequent page was a zoomed in map with much more detail (ie, STREETS) of all the local burrows. But the alarmingly lack of street information wasn’t even the worst of Frommer’s inefficiency. We wanted to take the subway that afternoon and as I opened my book, I saw on the inside front cover a beautiful color map of Buenos Aires’ subway system. Fantastic! We were saved! But you know me, always running around assuming things that aren’t true. So you can imagine my surprise when I flipped to the back cover and found a beautiful…Travelocity advertisement? What the hell?! No Santiago subway map in the entire book? Welcome to Frommer’s!

But Goob, you might be saying to yourself, you’re a Master Navigator (that almost sounds dirty.) You don’t need a stinking map! And you’re right! I didn’t need a map, seeing as how Alex’s Lonely Planet had plenty! What I did need were reviews and suggestions on things to do. You know, the kind of thing you’d expect a travel guide to have, right? Wrong, because Frommer’s has nothing like that!

Actually, I should clarify. The book does have recommendations on things to do and see. But unlike Alex’s Lonely Planet guide where each tourist spot had a rough overview on what to see, how to get there, and when to go, Frommer’s is more in the style of “Here’s a cool place, go there.” That’s it. No instructions on the best way to get there, why it’s a good spot, or who might enjoy it best. It was like I was reading the damn Yellow Pages.

And I particularly enjoyed the following golden gem from Frommer’s own website:

I’m dissatisfied with my guide. Can I get a refund?

Book refunds or exchanges are dependent on the policy of the retail or online store from which the book was purchased. Frommer’s does not provide refunds or exchanges for books that were purchased from a retail vendor.

Yep, because it’s Books-A-Million’s fault that Frommer’s guide books suck! It has nothing to do with the fact that FROMMER TRAVEL GUIDES ARE ABSOLUTELY ABYSMAL TO BEGIN WITH!

So, if you haven’t quite caught on to the subtle hints I’ve been occasionally dropping, I’ll say this. If you enjoy stress-free vacations and not wasting money on glorified paperweights, then please, for the love of God, never buy a Frommer’s Travel Guide. The sooner this company is taken out back behind the shed, the better for us all. No wonder American’s rarely travel outside of the country. They’ve got travel guides like these making them want to beat their heads in with a tack hammer.