Shyzer.com

I waited to post about this contest that Bloggrrl is having not because I’m lazy, but because I didn’t want any more people entering it and thus weakening my already slim chances at winning She’s giving away a free shot glass checkers set, which is just as awesome as it sounds if not a little more. Most contests you see on people’s sites are for something as amazing as a USB flashlight or some other equally pathetic “prize.” But not with Bloggrrl. She’s giving away some good stuff and I want in on the action! And her writing is actually entertaining to boot, so she’s gotten her site added to my RSS feed and my sidebar whenever I get around to updating it.

On a sidenote, this might be the most posts I’ve made in one single day. And when I look at what I wrote about (sports & booze), I feel like I did justice to Shyzer today.

Well, we didn’t get the four way tie that we wanted, but for only the seventh time in the history of baseball, we get a one game tiebreaker tomorrow night! San Diego at Colorado, tomorrow at 7:30 EST, no idea what TV station, win or get the hell out. Fellner, welcome to the ultimate version of Free Baseball!

And I didn’t want to say anything this morning as to not jinx them, but the Phillies are gonna win it all this year. Mark it. They’re by far the best team in the NL field and once it comes to the World Series, well, then it just becomes a crap shot. If Rollins and Hamels play like stars they were this year, they win it.

Watch out for the Rockies though, granted they win tomorrow (which they should). Of screw it, I’ll review the whole damn playoff field tomorrow night once we know who’s in fact in and who’s playing who. But until then, GO PHILLIES!

Oh, and Mr. Favre? My mancrush on you has never been larger.

Did you know Eric Milton, Matt Morris, Mike Sweeny, Bartolo Colon, Mike Hampton, Andruw Jones, Jason Kendall, Pat Burrell, Javier Vazquez, and Garret Anderson (as well as 49 other players) all make more money than Brett Favre?

Man, NFL players get royally screwed come Pay Day.

As the 2007 baseball season comes to a close today, the Mediocre National League has a potential pickle of awesomeness on the verge of occurring. If the Padres lose and the Rockies, Mets, and Phillies all win (which are all easily doable when you look at who each team is playing), then we’ll have a four way tie for two different playoff spots. That noise you just heard was the sound of baseball fan’s heads exploding around the country. Don’t worry, they were mostly Diamondbacks’ fans. No real loss there.

Anybody who says baseball is boring has no soul. They also probably enjoy eating kittens. How can you not get excited when four teams are still fighting for two playoff spots on the last day of a regular season that is played for over 180 days. Sure, the teams might be average ones when compared to their counterparts that play in the juggernaut known as the American League, but it’s exciting nonetheless. But no worries, I won’t be thinking about those heartless bastards as I spend the entire afternoon trying to watch four different games at once while…

Wait, what? Today’s Sunday? Fox and CBS are showing nothing but meaningless Week 4 NFL games? Well that sucks. But certainly ESPN and ESPN2 have picked up the games, right? No? NO?

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?!?!

Look, I love football. I lost my voice this past Monday and Tuesday thanks to all my shouting and screaming during the Packers game last week. But hell, Brett Favre is on the verge of breaking the all-time TD record and yet all I can think about is baseball. It doesn’t help much that Fox is showing the riveting Rams-Cowboys matchup in my area. Who the hell dropped the ball on this one? Who honestly thought that people would rather watch the Ravens play whoever the hell they feel like losing to this week instead of watching some baseball games that are literally do-or-die. Win or fucking go home. People always bitch about playoff series that don’t go seven games or are a blowout because they’re not fun to watch. WELL THEN WATCH THE FOUR GAMES TODAY! OH WAIT, YOU CAN’T!

If you do happen to have the ability to watch any of the aforementioned games today, do it. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed. These games aren’t going to be managed like regular season games, they’re going to be crazy with pitcher changes, pinch hits, and that gay double switch that NL clubs seem to do all the time. They’re going to be played like game sevens of the World Series. Starting pitchers will be coming out of the bullpen. Star players might play a few innings out of position just to make sure they get another chance to crush a homer. And you can almost count on the fact that at least one player will horribly botch a play and cost his team a playoff spot. You just know it’s going to happen! But do I get to watch it? No. Of course not.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to see about getting the Mariners moved to the NL Central, where they would have won the division. Jesus, is the NL a crappy league or what? And yet here I am steaming over not being able to watch their games. Is baseball awesome, or what?

It’s fun to watch shows like Jericho and read books like The Stand and think about how weird and dare I say even exciting life might be if you found yourself in such a situation. And then shit like this happens and suddenly you want to curl up in the fetal position over in the corner. After seeing something like that happen here in the United States, it’s alarmingly easy to let your mind wander about what’s been going on in the old Soviet Union for the past 15 years or so. Yeouch.

Yarg! If you didn’t remember it was Talk Like A Pirate Day, then you are a horrible fellow who needs to be skinned alive. And in celebration of this fine day, I’ve installed a plug-in to transform all of Shyzer into Pirate talk. Arrrrg!

• Chilean people will give you the shirt off their back if you ask for it.
• It’s fun to double cross the evil taxi drivers at the airport who try to charge three times what a ride into downtown Santiago should cost.
• Drivers in Chile need all the help they can get when it comes to parallel parking.
• I have 15 minutes to move my cube.
• Jogte is delicious. You need to watch out for “game overs” though.
• Most South American meals involve a minimum of 5 pounds of beef, including breakfast, which leads to…
• The medical mystery as to why the people down here aren’t all lining up for heart transplants by age 10.
• Santiago has a little smog problem.
• If you ever need to get to the Black Cate cafe in Buenos Aires, don’t let me navigate. I can find Evita’s tomb, however, with my eyes closed.
• Que?
• The fact that the Rugby World Cup isn’t on TV here in the states is almost criminal.
• Together, Chong and I are utter failures at reading soccer schedules and buying drugs without prescriptions.
• Oh, here it is!
• If you enjoy watching the same three commercials over and over again on a loop, then you really need to watch some TV down here.
• Julio is not a house DJ, despite how cool he might be otherwise. His girlfriend, though, will take care of your drunk ass, help you get on the right buses, get into clubs, and buy more much needed booze.
• If some guy keeps following you and offering to sell you some drugs, just ask for heroin.
• One of the best jobs to have in South America is to own a cafe. All you do is stand around and talk on the phone. A close runner up would be a spray painting street performer.
• Don’t mess with anybody else’s pile of garbage.
• Five thousand dollars for a lunch meal! Damn, these people are rich as hell!
• If you order any juice, you might as well be ordering an IV of diabetes.
• Aqua con gas is very refreshing. I don’t know how we live without it up here.
• Upon a successful landing at Santiago’s airport, it’s entirely appropriate for all the passengers to burst into applause as a thank you to the pilots for not slamming us into the Andes.
• Beware the ladies!
• Seriously. Gas Water. It’s awesome. If you buy a bottle, just chug the whole thing and thank me later.
• When being heckled by a Spanish-speaking street performer, just say you’re Canadian and he’ll leave you alone.
• $5 USD buys you a slice of pizza, two empanadas, a liter of beer, and a cafe con leche down here. Back home, I’m pretty sure that doesn’t even buy a gallon of milk.
• It’s cool if animals just roam around the zoo free at will.
• salud, conche tu madre!
• It’s easy to see how an earthquake down here would literally rape half of their cities.
• Make sure there aren’t any strategically placed mirrors in the public bathrooms before you start peeing.
• My Spanish is on the same level as a retarded 2-year old African monkey.
• University campuses down here have an ambiance on par with a morgue.
• Now that Bob Barker has some free time, he needs to come down to Chile and remind people to have their dogs spayed and neutered.
• The National Wildlife Reserve is Buenos Aires needs another entrance/exit.
• If you ever travel anywhere and enjoy shitty maps, horrible restaurant suggestions, and the urge to kill, then pick up a travel guide written by Frommer’s!
• Sometimes a nigga’s gotta race!
• Chilean wineries can’t hide from our keen sense of navigation.
• “You guys don’t speak Spanish? That must be hard…” – yeah, thanks bitch. We certainly got by!
• And finally, it’s kinda embarrassing when you get cut off at the bar in a South American horse track bar. Just take my word on it.

All in all, a hell of a time