Shyzer.com

EDIT: Ha, the Mariners are on a two game losing streak now. The Shyzer Curse strikes again!

How in the name of all things Holy do the Seattle Mariners have the 5th best record in baseball? (Fun Fact: The five highest ranked teams are in the American League. They might as well just let the National League start using aluminum bats and softballs.)

How is this possible? Are more than 15 teams on any given night getting losses added to their standings? I can see it now, the Nationals and Pirates are playing, the umps look into the stands to see only 18 people left (two of which are actually dead), and so they call the game and both teams take a loss thanks in part to their massive sucktitude. Is this a new rule that nobody told me about, because that’s about the only way I could see a scenario unfolding where the Mariners are where they are in the standings.

Richie Sexson’s batting average is the price of a Quarter Pounder, Ichiro is punching himself in the face, Jose Vidro is grounding into double plays despite hitting the ball to the warning track, the starting rotation has a combined ERA of 74 million, and nobody’s reminded King Felix that he’s the second coming of Christ. How in the hell is this team one of the better ranked teams in baseball? I’m serious here, I’m looking at the standings and adding up all the losses and wins, because I think somebody screwed up and just gave a bunch of teams a few extra notches in the L word category for no reason.

But fret not, my Seattle brethren, for we all know what is about to happen. The Mariners might even win a few more games before then, but come mid-July, our almost eerily naturally timed summer swoon will take place, the team will lose 90 out of 91 games (their lone win coming when George Steinbrenner eats the entire Yankees pitching staff in a fit of rage), and next summer we’ll be hearing our team name early in the draft! Don’t get me wrong, I still love the Mariners, following them with my same frenzied lust as always and watching most of their games on MLB.tv (the third greatest invention ever, behind the clapper and motorized toothbrushes. It’s actually about as reliable as those two as well.), but this is a horribly constructed baseball team that is even perplexing the fellas over at USSM. Dumb pure luck should no more be expected to last than that time I was Facebook God for a few hours (you know, I still don’t think I’ve told that story on here…) and any Mariners fan who is actually kidding themselves into thinking we have a shot at making the playoffs needs to spend a few hours with Ichiro in Cleveland.

That quote is never going to get old.