Shyzer.com

Yeah, so Jericho’s back. Officially. They’ve got it slated as a seven or eight episode mid-season replacement, but if the initial Fall schedule goes poorly, it could be back as soon as October. If the ratings are good, CBS has promised to pick it up for a full season and yet if the ratings are bad, the show’s main writer has said they’ll be able to wrap it up and end it instead of leaving us with yet another unbearable cliffhanger.

But this post isn’t meant to bask in the glow of the awesomeness that is the Internet grassroots campaign that saved one of my favorite shows. No, wait…yeah. Yeah, it is. But because I love you, I’ll just keep this short and funny. So, you can either click the more link below or go directly to the source in order to read two of the best “could have happened” conversations ever.

MAY 15TH-ish

1: I gotta say, guys, I’m loving the schedule. We got Cane, Moonlight, and Kid Nation — it’s looking sexy. Very sexy.

2: I’m getting off just thinking about it.

3: Remind me, what’s Moonlight again?

1: Dude gets bitten by his vampire bride, uses his powers for good, and falls in love with a mortal.

3: Oh, right. Right, the “Angel Becomes a P.I.” thing.

2: Yeah, but it takes place in New York, so it’s totally different.

1: Totally.

Grunt: Sorry to interrupt, but, um…

1: Yeah? What’s up?

Grunt: There’s another bag of peanuts for you guys.

1, 2, and 3: …

Grunt: From the Jericho fans.

2: Oh, right. Okay, just dump ‘em in the breakroom.

1: What’s the deal with the peanuts again?

3: Because of the whole “nuts” thing in the finale? Stanley and getting the war story wrong, and then Skeet saying “nuts” over the walkie-talkie, remember?

1: Vaguely.

4: I really like peanuts.

1: Anyway, we’re thinking that with the schedule set to have–

Grunt: Um…

1: What?

Grunt: There’s another bag.

2: So?

Grunt: Well, it’s bigger.

4: Dude, can we get some of that in here? Thanks.

2: Can we get back on task, please? Now, we want to leverage –

Grunt: Look, uh…

1: WHAT?!

2: Another bag?

Grunt: Sort of “another bags.” Bags. Plural.

3: You know what? For any and all future bags of peanuts from distraught fans, family, and Skeet, put them the breakroom — ALL of them. Got it?

1: Do you think a little Lord Of The Flies-like brutality around sweeps is too much to hope for on Kid Nation?

THREE WEEKS LATER

1: Thanks for coming in, people. I know it’s been a rough couple of weeks.

3: No more peanuts, please? No more!

1: Shhhhh. It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay.

4: I like putting peanuts on ice cream. Just vanilla ice cream and peanuts. No frills, you know? Just the sweet and the salty to satisfy all cravings.

2: Last night, my wife said she could smell them on me. I had to take three scalding showers before I felt clean. Then she told me I smelled roasted.

1: Yeah, well, I’m definitely having a nervous breakdown. A few nights ago, I dreamed that Mr. Peanut was riding a bomb over Kansas and screaming.

2: That’s nothing. I went to my kid’s birthday party at the Ground Round and had a panic attack. Why the HELL are peanut shells considered acceptable décor for a restaurant?

4: I had homemade peanut butter once. You have to keep it in the fridge and mix it up before you eat it, but it was good.

1: How’s Bill doing?

2: Well, he’s off the respirator and responding to visual cues.

1: Yeah, we probably should have quarantined everyone with peanut allergies before one of them went into anaphylactic shock.

2: I’m just glad we found a hermetic sealer who could work on the weekend.

4: Do you think it’s hard to make homemade peanut butter?

3: They’re salty and stringy and they dry out your fingers and they’re not even nuts!

4: Oh, I’ll bet I could make some bad-ass peanut butter cookies. With the forking and shit?

1: So, we’re agreed, then? Jericho has to come back?

2: Yes, yes, we have to stop them before they move on to [choke] Circus Peanuts.

3: They’re NOT even NUTS, people! NOT NUTS! NOT NUTS!

1: I don’t see any other way. We’re all cracki–

2: Don’t go there, man. Just…don’t.

3: They’re LEGUUUUUMES!

1: Right — let’s just swear we won’t make a practice of this, okay?

2: Agreed — and also, from here on out, no more significant mentions of food of any sort in any script ever again.

1: And forget that George Washington Carver biopic Spike Lee’s been trying to push.

2: The wounds are just too raw.

4: Kung Pao chicken has peanuts in it. They’re all spicy but kind of nutty, you know?

1: Oh god.

2: What now?

1: What if we cancel Moonlight and they send blood?