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So over the course of the past two and a half months, I’ve managed to watch 5 full seasons of The Sopranos. I had never watched it before, but with all the recent press of it finally coming to an end someday soon and tons of friends telling me I’d love it, I finally caved in and have almost caught up to where the new episodes are now.

And I gotta say, after every episode I find that I’m more hungry than I am impressed.

Look, it’s not a bad show. It’s better than most of the crap out there, even. But…it’s just so damn slow. We’re talking actual hour long shows here, thanks to HBO’s no commercial breaks, that tend to sometimes drag and at the end of an episode there may have been one scene that moved the plot along, if we’re lucky. Otherwise it was just another episode where we were stuck listening to Tony bitch and moan in therapy about his mom or watching as his gomba friends wack and kill red shirt characters as they build up this huge plot arc where something cool and exciting might finally happen and then!!!…….it all goes away by a convenient deus ex machina. A character has a stroke or the feds make a bust or Tony has a talking fish dream (I wish I was kidding) and suddenly everything the season spent building up is washed away.

This show must have been freaking mind-numbing as hell to watch in real time. Seriously, I think people tuned in for the first season, realized the show had potential, and then kept watching while telling themselves it was about to blossom and take off just any day now. By the end of a season, they just stare at disbelief as the final episode fades out with a weak as hell cliff hanger, at best, and they wonder what the hell just happened to one of their favorite shows. But those network executives over at HBO were smart, as they made people wait almost a full year for new episodes every time. Of course, by then, people had forgotten all about their disappointment over the previous season and instead could remember nothing but their bright optimism they had in the beginning.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Of course, I feel all of this for a show that not five minutes ago I typed “it’s better than most crap out there.” Plus I still ended up plowing through 63 hours worth of footage in 75 days, so you might think that ultimately says something more than what I’m saying now. But don’t let that fool you.

I just chalk it up to that small sliver of hope I’ve still clinging onto.

Because so help me God if something doesn’t actually fucking happen in season six…..