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Hey, hey, looks who’s back!

Before some time I asked with you after signed photos - but
up to now I could’nt hear from you.
I would be therefore so happy if you could send me handwritten photos of you - you are a very beautiful man with a sympathically face and a great aura. The collecting of signed photos is my greatest hobby - and signed photos of you will get a special place in my collection. I would be happy if you could fulfill my wish. Thanks in advance for your kindness!

Hahaha. In case you don’t remember, I wrote about this crackpot last year and thought that would be the end of him. I assumed a little public humiliation would be just the correct dosage to getting him off my back, but apparently I was mistaken.

Buddy, look, I’m not sending you any signed photos of myself. Give it up. Yeah, I bet I’d hold a special place in your collection. And frankly, I don’t want to even think about what that place might be, especially if it involves you, my photo, and a little “special time.” Add to the fact that identity theft isn’t on my list of things I want for Christmas and I think you can see where I’m coming from.

Although I doubt you can even read any of this, as your English sounds about on par with my dogs. No, scratch that, she can communicate with me a little bit better than that crap you sent me. I bet you still pee on the rug, don’t you?

Pointless Update #1: Gotta love it you look at your referral logs and see that a few hours after making this post and sending an e-mail to UmpBump pointing out the “coincidence,” Shyzer got a few hits from archive.org. Gee, whatever could they have been searching to find!? Don’t worry though, because I’m a gentleman and love helping people find what they’re looking for. Maybe this snapshot of my archives taken in September 2005 is what they needed to see. Or how about this one taken in November of 2005? Different designs, different formatting that looks like crap in archive.org, same post that was swiped!

Hang with me through this post and I promise you’ll be rewarded with extremely tame and bland photos of some random chick!

This is going to seem like an incredibly ironic post once I finally get around to finishing another post I’ve had in the works for a while where I talk about how I’ve almost stolen stuff from the Internet and passed it off as my own. But today, I came across something that I feel like sharing for no other reason than I’m bored.

One of my favorite daily reads is With Leather, which is basically a site where guys sit around making fun of sports and posting pictures of hot chicks. Fun times all around. Today they had a post linking to another website where a Top 20 Hottest Sports Wives list was recently created. Like I said, this isn’t groundbreaking news or reporting we’ve got going on here.

So I’m perusing through the list when I stumble across #9. HOLY CHRIST! It’s visual evidence of Jamie Kotsay! Cool!

Now I’m sure you’re sitting there wondering just what in the hell I’m getting at, so let me cut to the chase. Almost three years ago, I wrote this post mocking how if you write about popular, and albeit stupid, topics then Google and other search engines will reward you with random traffic. And in that post, I wrote about Mark Kotsay’s wife and how everybody on the Internet swore that she was the hottest chick in the world, despite the fact that A) nobody even knew her effing first name and 2) there wasn’t a single picture of her on the net. I hadn’t really given it much thought since I wrote that, but today I was suddenly staring at a few harmless photos of said hot chick. Yeah, ok, I can see it. Cool, whatever.

But then I remembered that out of all the terms I used in that post three years ago, the one about Jamie Kotsay was the only one to get picked up and drive tons of traffic to Shyzer. And I got to wondering if I was even still on the first page of Google for “Mark Kotsay’s Wife.” Turns out I’m not, but clocking in at #4 is a website called Ump Bump and… Wait a minute, the post on their site looks familiar…

Below are two quotes, the first being what I wrote back in January 2005 and the second being what was written on Ump Bump back in May 2007.

Big Foot. The Lock Ness Monster. The Phantom of the Opera. Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction. Jessica Simpson’s high IQ. None of these are more mysterious or cloaked then the infamous wife of Mark Kotsay. It’s a well-known fact that men who play professional sports tend to have smoking hot wives. It’s a lesser-known fact that Mark Kotsay has the hottest wife of them all. Except there’s a small problem. There ceases to be a single picture of her on the Internet. You see, for every team Mark Kotsay has played for, his wife has joined the team’s corresponding player’s wives association. They do small public services for the community and basically are used as a public relations tool by the team. Now most teams have jumbotrons or huge televisions or something along those lines in their stadiums. At random times during random games, most teams like to tout that they too have a soft and caring side for the community, so they run announcements for some of the public services they offer, which is where Mark Kotsay’s Wife comes in. For every team that Kotsay has played for, his wife has not only joined the association, but has been the main spokeswoman for their jumbotron commercials. Over time, more and more people have had a chance to see Mrs. Kotsay’s commercial and there’s a general consensus among all those who saw her; she is the most gorgeous woman they have ever seen. Message boards have thousand-page threads dedicated solely to her. Websites are repeatedly spammed in search of a single picture of her. She has become a living legend amongst baseball fans and those who have reportedly caught a glimpse of her swear by their lives that she is easily the most breathtaking female they have ever laid eyes on.

And then theirs:

Bigfoot. The Loch Ness Monster. The Yeti. A Devil Rays fan.

Yes, the world is full of myths and legends about shadowy, elusive, one-of-a-kind creatures who may or may not even exist.

But now you can cross Jamie Kotsay off that list, for we here at umpbump can attest to the fact that she does exist and pretty much everything that has been said about her is true.

It has been well documented that many famous athletes, and baseball players in particular, often have scorching hot wives. But what has been harder to prove was the contention that Mark Kotsay just may have the hottest wife of them all…

You see, it all started back in the late 1990s when Mark Kotsay first made it to The Show. At each city Mark played in, fans of that team would begin to report sightings of his incredibly, unbelievably, scorching hot wife. They said her name was “Jamie.” They claimed that this one time, at the fan convention, they caught a brief glimpse of her between a gap in the crowd, but when they got closer she had vanished. Or that this other time, at this one game, in the 6th inning, she flashed briefly on the jumbotron screen to make a public service announcement or something.

And pretty much everyone agreed she was the hottest baseball wife they had ever seen.

But the problem was, try as everyone might, nobody could find a picture of her! The claims could not be corroborated! Soon message boards with thousands of threads grew up around her legend. Search engines were bombarded with her name. Cults grew up around the fervent belief that she really did exist, and that she really was the hottest wife in the game. And still no picture could be found!

But then finally, last summer, this shot appeared on an Athletics blog!

I’m reminded of when I was in the 8th or 9th grade and we were learning about paraphrasing. During the first few assignments, everybody basically sat down with the text we were quoting and a thesaurus. Twenty minutes later, the quote had been changed to “our words,” but it was still in the exact same structure and format and the teacher was shaking her head saying how moronic we were.

But fine, I can overlook that. The sincerest form of flattery is being copied or something like that. No, what pisses me off isn’t that I had something ripped off, it’s these two things:

First, what the fuck?! That’s what you rip off from me? That wasn’t even a good paragraph! That sucked ass! Why would you copy, of all things here on Shyzer, that? Come on guys, copy my hostage standoff post or the one about The Stand or any other number of halfway decent posts I’ve made here on Shyzer. Don’t copy something I slapped together in 20 minutes while half asleep at 3AM one night…

But even more importantly, I’m pissed off that somebody found photos of Mrs. Kotsay, knew that I wanted to see them myself, copied what I’d written about wanting to see them, and then didn’t even send me an anonymous e-mail about where I could find them! What’s up with that?! If you’re going to be a plagiarizer, at least be a polite plagiarizer!

People today; they have no manners!

Of course, momma taught me well, so click the link below if you want to finally see what the hell Jamie Kotsay looks like. And let this be a lesson to everybody out there who puts things they create out there on the Internet. If it’s even remotely comprehendible and carries with it at least one coherent thought, it will be stolen. In fact, I fully expect this very post to be stolen and copied by somebody else within 12 minutes.

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A-to-the-men. I still love to think back at all the conversations I had almost a year ago where people laughed at me for saying Favre shouldn’t retire. “He’s washed up!” or “He sucks now!” is all I heard for seven months. Now? Ok, so that Dallas game wasn’t pretty, but were choosing to ignore that here in the Goob household.

Ask people around Green Bay for their favorite Favre memory, and you’ll get countless anecdotes but rarely any hesitation. So many elite athletes captivate with their otherworldly physical gifts, but the common theme among the Favre highlights is the human element.

Mike McCarthy: “In ‘99, when I was quarterbacks coach, three of the first four games were comebacks in the final couple of minutes. The one that stands out was against Tampa Bay. There’s about a minute left, and we call this play where if the rush comes, Brett’s supposed to check down to the back. Of course, Tampa comes with everything they’ve got, but Brett just stands in there and throws a strike to Antonio Freeman for the winning touchdown, just as John Lynch and half the defense hits him in the jaw. On the sideline Brett’s a little woozy; he’s on oxygen; and I go up to him and say, ‘What happened to the check down?’ He says, ‘Dammit, I forgot all about that. But, hey, I made the throw.’ That’s Brett Favre in a nutshell — he’ll take the beating, but he’ll always make the throw

Brett Favre: Greatest Quarterback ever or Greatestest Quarterback ever? That’s a question for history to decide. Plus, I take it from the photo above that Favre moonlights as a super hero as well. Which means that not only is he awesome, but he has the best disguise ever. Clark Kent ain’t got nothing on Favre.

I’m not quite sure I’ve gone over month without posting (unless I took a scheduled and announced break), so damn if I’ll let that happen now. I’m back in the states now, not very happy about it, and I’ll just leave it at that for now. No reason to stir any hornets nests until I have to

I spend most of my on-line time now fiddling with Hey, It’s Free since I’ve gotten some very receptive reviews/links/plugs lately. In fact, I always thought the weird and stupid stuff I did on-line (making a random song or story or video, etc) would always occur here on Shyzer. But that’s not the case, as I’ve found recently. It’s kinda nice. I’ve also been teaching myself some advance PHP recently, in an attempt to learn how to do something really cool that I really want to do here on Shyzer. But this shiznit is hard. Rewarding, but a pain in the ass nonetheless.

We’re doing a Christmas card exchange on the HIF as well. Anybody here wanna get in on the action? I’ve never actually sent out cards like this before, but we all enjoy getting some mail-love every now and then. If you’re game, leave a message in the comments and I’ll contact you.

I applied for a job in Iraq recently. Haha, no, I didn’t join the military. But I got wind of an opportunity to something that I’ve always wanted to do and it just happened to be located in Iraq and the pay was off the charts. That’s kind of to be expected though, no? Don’t worry Mom and Dad, there’s no way in hell I get it, but it’s still funny to think that sometime soon I could be asking my boss if I could trade the corner office with a view for a cubicle since I’m scared of mortar attacks.

I took a test for the first time since God knows when. It was long and hard. It was also fun. I’ve always been a nerd like that.

Maybe I’ll get another post up here on Shyzer later this week. Wordpress is actually pretty good at reminding you of all the unfinished business you have. At the top of every post I write, there is a list titled “Your Drafts” with links to all the crap I started writing and then quit. It’s always a little disheartening to see that damn thing. Just glancing at it, I see posts about zombies, Turkey (the country, not the deliciousness), stealing, the state of novels and reading in America, regrets, President Bush, and the Mariners. Maybe I’ll get around to finishing one of those sometime soon.

Probably not though. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go work on the goofy Christmas carol I’m writing for HIF. And then I need to film it. Take care, y’all.

I’ve been in Australia for the past few weeks and will be so for awhile to come. So that can explain why I haven’t posted here on Shyzer lately. If anybody stateside needs me, then hopefully you have my e-mail, because otherwise you’re SOL.

And with that, I’m out of here.

So after my recent discovery that SNL no longer sucks, I spent a little time YouTubbing. And I’ve realized that SNL’s resurgence is completely centered around Andy Samberg and the dudes from The Lonely Island.

Here’s a list of all the digital shorts they’ve managed to get on the air so far. Laser Cats I and II is another fantastic 10 minutes or so of enjoyment as well.

The lyrics to the video above can be found below. There are a bunch of wrong lyrics floating around the Internet, but if there’s one thing I can do, it’s listen to a song and decipher the correct lyrics. Enjoy.
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So apparently I totally missed Shyzer’s birthday earlier this month. Let me just say that if the year is 2025 and my child happens to be reading this in the archives, then hey there Kramer! Daddy just wants to say that you should use this post as a lesson that you probably should get used to me missing important dates in your life. If I can’t remember the anniversary of opening the doors here on Shyzer, there’s no way in hell I’m going to remember things about you! Oh, and I promise I’ll try and stop drinking so much. You know how Mommy can get though, always nagging me and…well, let’s just save that talk for another time.

We’ve had some good times over the past 5+ years though. And by “we” I mean “I” and by “good times” I mean “times where I wanted to hang myself thanks to this damn site.” Yet here I am, typing this post at 2:13 AM as I lie in bed practically half asleep and wanting nothing more than to close my eyes. I love this fucking site and don’t ever let me tell you otherwise.

So today I log onto Shyzer and find the malicious code BACK IN MY SOURCE! Apparently the spammers had guessed my password and had re-uploaded the spyware to Shyzer around 4AM this morning. Now, I give credit where credit is due, because to guess one of my passwords is nothing short of miraculous. Just ask Waynus or Clayster. My passwords tend to be along the lines of “ebaiu23bv^abndu” and so, to make Shyzer’s even harder, I’ve reset the password and added a few random capital letters in there. If the spyware somehow ends back up on Shyzer yet again in the nearfuture, then I’ll have to basically rip the site apart and build it from the ground up.

And I don’t really want to have to do that…