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Zeus vs. Odysseus - The first match in the Old School Division featured the head of the Greek Gods against the main character from Homer’s epic stories. At least I think Odysseus is from those stories, because I’ll be damned if I ever took the time to actually read those things. Sorry Homer, I don’t have twelve spare years to spend polishing off your stories. Anyways, Zeus admittedly was a bit worried about this game. There had already been an upset of a number 2 seed in the prior division and Zeus knew how smart and wily Odysseus could be, because wasn’t he the guy who tricked the Sirens and killed the Cyclops? Yes? No? I see nobody else read those damn stories either. Anyways, without wanting to take the risk of possibly being the first number 1 seed ever defeated in the first round, Zeus used his giant lightning bolt-shaped hammer and cast down upon Odysseus 40 trillion volts of electricity, thereby frying him to smithereens and providing a free lunch for all the meat eaters in the crowd.

Jupiter vs. Poseidon - The chief Roman God - who of course was named after the largest planet in our solar system; well, second largest after the sun â- hosted the Greek God of water in this mid-level match. Unfortunately, just like the up-coming movie bearing his name, Poseidon completely sucked and was wiped out by Jupiter in a 62-38 blowout. So let this be a warning to you all who think Poseidon looks like a decent movie - you’re all morons and I bet you already have your tickets to Snakes on a Plane as well.

Quetzalcoatl vs. Thor - Nobody really knows who Thor is or what he’s famous for, but his name sounds cool, which is why he got an invite. Also, you might not recognize Quetzalcoatl’s name, but it was his legend which helped spare the lives of Cortes and his 600 fellow Spaniards when they landed in Latin America in 1521. The Aztecs accidentally mistook Cortes for Quetzalcoatl, but luckily, this simply misidentification only cost about 13 million Native American’s their lives. Wait, that’s a shitload. What kind of God would allow a legend about himself to exist if it would ultimately lead to his subject’s demise? That’s it, Quetzalcoatl, you’re outta here and Thor, even though I have no fucking idea who you are, you’re heading to the next round.

Heracles vs. Vulcan - This game was supposed to be between Heracles, the famous Greek mortal with Godly strength, and Vulcan, the Roman God of fire. Unfortunately, there was a mix-up with the invitations and when Heracles stepped onto the court, he was greeted by a group of Star Trek nerds wearing pointy ears and chanting “live long and prosper.” And as you might imagine, the Trekkies weren’t exactly physical athletic specimens to marvel at. Oh, they were able to grip the ball decently since they can do that weird finger split V maneuver that Spock always did back in Star Trek, but when the clock hit 14:40 in the first quarter, most of them were keeled over huffing for breath. The last physical activity any of them had participated in was the infamous 1994 Star Wars versus Star Trek nerds in which the human population lost the only 18 people able to cure cancer to atomic wedgies and super swirlies. It’s no surprise that Heracles had little trouble decimating them and cruising to a 76-19 victory.

Osiris vs. King Arthur - King Arthur found himself up against Osiris, the Egyptian sun-God and to be honest, Arthur & Co. weren’t sure exactly which type of Egyptian God Osiris was; one of those pansy half human-half eagle type that only show up in tombs and on papyrus or one of those kickass Gods that can unleash plagues and title waves and sand storms like the bad guy in The Mummy movies. Thankfully for Arthur, Osiris was about as tough as a wet paper bag and fell to Arthur in a 52-40 loss. Of course, when the entire band of knights from the Round Table as well as Merlin have your back, I guess it doesn’t really matter what Egyptian God you’re up against.

Odin vs. Sirens - Despite holding a 3 seed, many people readily admit they have no idea who Odin is. However, those of you who’ve played Final Fantasy are probably saying, “isn’t Odin that kickass aeon you can summon?” Well, not only is he a powerful video game character, but he was the leader of the Norse and Teuton Mythology. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Athena. As for the Sirens, those irresistible maidens whose songs were made legendary in the poems of Homer, one can only assume they sand their way into a 14 seed, because they sure as hell (I’m looking at you, Satan!) aren’t any good at basketball. This was further emphasized by Odin, who used his vigor and might to sever the voice boxes of all the Sirens and then beat them 78-2.

Achilles vs. Socrates - Achilles came into this tournament a bit worried since his only weakness is no longer a well kept secret, thanks to Brad Pitt and his little 80-billion dollar production of Troy. Even after all these years, Achilles was still technically nursing his injury on the DL and to make matters worse, he came into this game with a pulled groin muscle and a herniated disk. Turns out he had a few more weaknesses than we thought. These slight injuries, therefore, limited Achilles to playing in a wheelchair and even though Socrates spent most of the game rambling on about how much of a hack Plato was, he soundly defeated Achilles 28-10.

Vishnu vs. Math - Vishnu could have entered the Mideast Division had he wanted, but since he is approximately 20 billion years old, he qualified for the Old School Division as well. It was a no brainer for him, though, when he learned that if he picked this bracket, he’d be going up against Math. And while many of us think about math in terms of being another member of the Axis of Evil, it turns out that Math was Celtic ruler of the underworld, which certainly sounds about right to me. But the great irony of it all is that Math is actually horrible at math and thus, he spent the entire game trying to figure out who was winning. Turns out, it was Vishnu in a 61-14 smack down.