Shyzer.com

I came to upload this last night, but apparently Shyzer was down for a few hours and I got tired of waiting. I’ll try and speed this up a little bit, but who am I kidding?

Allah vs. bin Ladin - After two decades of carrying out despicable acts in the name of Allah, revenge was finally had. Before the game even started, Allah, in all his wisdom and glory, marched to the visiting team’s locker room and proceeded to beat the shit out of bin Ladin. The refs would have put a stop to it, but unfortunately for bin Ladin, he’d recently blown up the bus the refs had planned on taking to the game. 14 hours and 51,019 bin Ladin screams later, Allah walked out of the room and the game was called in his favor.

Madonna vs. Britney Spears - I’ll be honest, I’ve got no damn idea what Kabbalah actually is. When I started hearing Madonna and Britney talk about how they “found” Kabbalah, I thought it was the name of one of their dogs they’d lost. Or at worst, one of their kids. It wasn’t until later that I learned Kabbalah was part of Jewish Oral Law, which is where I think Madonna and Britney got a little confused and thought this was totally something else. Point in case, when these two stepped onto the court to do battle, they stared each other down for a few seconds before embracing and making out in front of millions. Now, had this happened in 2001, when Britney was still smoking hot and Madonna still had a few moves, this would have been great television and would have been replayed in the minds of billions of men worldwide. Unfortunately, this is 2006, where Britney has morphed into my trailer trash neighbor and Madonna has turned into some creepy techno singer. Disgusted, the refs and many of the members in the audience took a few minutes to empty their stomachs via spewing before finally breaking up the low grade porn scene on the court and ending the game in a draw.

Muhammad vs. Ayatollah Ruhollah Khmoeini - I’m a bit fearful of making any jokes during this game. I’m quite fond of my family and possessions and healthy body and I’m not really looking to have any of them destroyed at the moment by a group of pissed off Muslims. If there’s one thing Denmark has ever taught the world, other than their Danishes make a perfect breakfast treat, it’s that cartoons are powerful. And I’m not talking about those Roadrunner and Wily E. Coyote cartoons either, because those are just good, pure, unadulterated fun that helped raise me from ages 7 to 11. No, I’m talking about bland, dull, and unimpressive cartoons that could force a kid with ADD whose also been on 19 hour coke binge to come crashing down within 5 minutes due to boredom. That’s what most people don’t understand - the Muslim world wasn’t angry over the fact that their prophet Muhammad had been reborn in pastel form, they were angry that the cartoonists had given him about as much personality as Mr. Magoo. However, being no stranger to pissing into the wind, Ayatollah Khomeini figured he’d give the Muslim people what they wanted and proceeded to produce some of the worst depictions of Muhammad ever imagined. I’d link them here on Shyzer for everyone to see, but the pure act of uploading them to my server would cause it to catch fire and my computer to explode. Luckily, I’m already damned and condemned to spend the rest of eternity in Hell, so my eyes didn’t melt upon looking at them. Surprisingly, my earlier assessment of Muslims being angry over the dullness of the cartoons was incorrect and I was able to witness first hand as Tournament’s riot virginity was lost. Khmoeini, fearful for his life, fled the stadium and Muhammad and his crazy ass followers advanced to the second round with a trail of burnt cars and embassies behind them.

Dalai Lama vs. Penguin God - The organizers of the Religion Madness Tournament have some pretty shallow pockets and are always fearful of frivolous lawsuits that might wipe out their funds. Therefore, because of the equal opportunities act and the fears that they might be painted as discriminatory, the organizers wanted to make sure as many continents, races, and creatures were represented. Now, I fell asleep during March of the Penguins, but I bet had I been able to stay awake for longer than 20 minutes, Morgan Freeman would have told me all about the Penguin God and how he was essential to the inhabitants of Antarctica. The Dalai Lama, on the other hand, is the true representative of diversity. What other religious position anoints a punkrock kid from Seattle as its heir? At least, that’s all I kinda remember from some movie we had to watch about the Dalai Lama back in 9th grade. I bet I got a few of the details wrong. Either way, these two didn’t really excite the crowd during the game due to the Penguin God not being able to control the ball with his flippers and the Dalai Lama spending most of his time praying to Buddha to get the damn Chinese out of Tibet. Lama ended up winning the game 22-14, however, when he realized that if he won this damn tournament, there was a possibility that he’d be able to spend the rest of his life touring the world appearing on daytime talk shows instead of living under the Commies.

Pirates vs. Samkon Gado - I’m gonna come out and admit right here and now that I know of not a single current African God. So, representing present day Africa are the Somalian pirates that have been in the news lately and Samkon Gado, the Nigerian running back who single-handedly made watching the Packers last season interesting. Now, I’m a huge fan of pirates. I’ve taken much joy in dressing like a pirate and talking like a pirate and getting piss drunk like a pirate. Unfortunately, these pirates from Somalia are a disgrace to the pirate name. First, they allow a giant cruise ship to outrun them, which is almost as insulting as letting Louie Anderson beat you in a 100-meter dash. But then, in an even more retarded move, they decide to pick a battle with not just one, but two US Navy battleships. And surprise, they’re as asses are handed to them on a silver platter! Samkon Gado on the other hand, is a man amongst boys. I mean, we’re talking about a man whose showered with Brett Favre, a practical God in his own sense. So it comes as no surprise that Gado wasn’t fazed at all during this match, despite the prospect of facing ten heavily armed men with 1960s style weapons. As the game got underway, the pirates began firing RPG and light mortar rounds on Gado, but Samkon knew his best shot was to call on his honed football skills and began dodging the projectiles as if they were NFL linebackers. As the second half began, Gado held a strong 46-14 lead and looked to seal the deal, but before he could do so, the arena began to fall apart due to all the explosives the pirates had set off. The game was therefore called in Gado’s favor and the pirates were banished back to Hell. I mean, Africa.

Lao Tzu vs. Saparmurat Niyazov - Alright, I’ve got two secrets to admit right now. First, and this is nothing new, but for the most part I detest most religions and claim myself to be an Agnostic. However, if for some reason I was forced to pick an organized religion to follow, Taoism would be one of my top two choices. What’s not to love about a religion that stresses chilling and relaxing? On the other hand, I am a huge Niyazov fan. HUGE. This guy is certifiably insane on par with Kim Jung Il and yet he is the leader of an Asian country with little to no checks whatsoever by any western nations on his massive power. He can literally do and get away with whatever he wants and the rest of the world simply smiles and laughs at his quirkiness. In fact, the only reason an invitation was extended to him was because he legally proclaimed himself supreme religious leader over the people of Turkmenistan. I mean, we’re talking about a leader who has banned all textbooks besides the one he wrote, closed all hospitals and libraries outside of the capital in an effort to force villagers to move to the city, changed the Turkmen word for bread to that of his mother’s name, and even made it a federal crime to lip synch during song performances. Talk about visionary! So, it honestly should come as no surprise when just before tip-off, Niyazov outlawed not only the sport of basketball, but the act of beating him in any competition. Lao Tzu wasn’t really sure what to do and as the referees conferred to see if this was a legal move, Niyazov took their moment of hesitation to declare himself the winner and quickly walked out of the building.

Confucius vs. Pokemon - Confucius we all know and love, for if it wasn’t for him, we’d be left empty and deject after eating our Chinese meals and finding no fortune in our tiny cookies. Plus his religion ain’t half bad. On the flip side, Pokemon were able to sneak into the tournament under the cloak of being Japan’s main religion since their ancient Gods were a little on the crappy side. I mean, honestly, who has a God of rose petals? Neither opponents were really into the game, though, as Confucius opened up with a rapid fire succession of words of wisdom. You know, crap like “everything has its beauty but not everybody sees it,” or “Study your past if you would define the future,” or even “The back door is for exit only.” Bulbasaur was soon anointed by his peers to go out on the court and shut Confucius the fuck up. Bulbasaur answered the call by launching a flurry of razor leafs followed by a quick tackle attack. Slightly fazed, Confucius reminded everybody that “when anger rises, think of the consequences,” to which Bulbasaur responded with a deadly vine whip attack which left Confucius heavily wounded. Summoning up his last bit of strength, Confucius whispered to Bulbasaur “forget injuries, never forget kindness.” Bulbasaur whispered back a string of expletives before showing Confucius the consequences of annoying the hell out of people with cheesy quotes by blasting him with a solar beam, knocking him out of the game and sending Pokemon on to the next round.

Buddha vs. Richard Gere - The battle between two overweight old guys past their prime featured Buddha and Richard Gere. Who can remember the last decent movie Richard Gere starred in? And Chicago doesn’t count, because I never saw it and thus it must have sucked. Buddha, on the other hand, isn’t much good these days either. The last time I saw a shrine dedicated to him was at my friend’s house where he’d make a bong out of his miniature Buddha statue. In fact, these two guys were so out of shape that they decided to have a sumo wrestling competition in lue of an actual basketball game, which would take far more physical effort than either of them wished to give. The court was soon covered on blue gym mats and the sumo wrestlers took their positions. Fourteen minutes later, Buddha sat atop Gere, whose ribs had just recently shattered under Buddha’s weight, and Buddha was proclaimed the winner.

I was told it was times like these that we learn to live again. So why do I feel like I’ve been lied to?

Next round of the Religion Tournament will be uploaded when I wake up. Next version of Shyzer will be uploaded whenever I feel like it.

Zeus vs. Odysseus - The first match in the Old School Division featured the head of the Greek Gods against the main character from Homer’s epic stories. At least I think Odysseus is from those stories, because I’ll be damned if I ever took the time to actually read those things. Sorry Homer, I don’t have twelve spare years to spend polishing off your stories. Anyways, Zeus admittedly was a bit worried about this game. There had already been an upset of a number 2 seed in the prior division and Zeus knew how smart and wily Odysseus could be, because wasn’t he the guy who tricked the Sirens and killed the Cyclops? Yes? No? I see nobody else read those damn stories either. Anyways, without wanting to take the risk of possibly being the first number 1 seed ever defeated in the first round, Zeus used his giant lightning bolt-shaped hammer and cast down upon Odysseus 40 trillion volts of electricity, thereby frying him to smithereens and providing a free lunch for all the meat eaters in the crowd.

Jupiter vs. Poseidon - The chief Roman God - who of course was named after the largest planet in our solar system; well, second largest after the sun â- hosted the Greek God of water in this mid-level match. Unfortunately, just like the up-coming movie bearing his name, Poseidon completely sucked and was wiped out by Jupiter in a 62-38 blowout. So let this be a warning to you all who think Poseidon looks like a decent movie - you’re all morons and I bet you already have your tickets to Snakes on a Plane as well.

Quetzalcoatl vs. Thor - Nobody really knows who Thor is or what he’s famous for, but his name sounds cool, which is why he got an invite. Also, you might not recognize Quetzalcoatl’s name, but it was his legend which helped spare the lives of Cortes and his 600 fellow Spaniards when they landed in Latin America in 1521. The Aztecs accidentally mistook Cortes for Quetzalcoatl, but luckily, this simply misidentification only cost about 13 million Native American’s their lives. Wait, that’s a shitload. What kind of God would allow a legend about himself to exist if it would ultimately lead to his subject’s demise? That’s it, Quetzalcoatl, you’re outta here and Thor, even though I have no fucking idea who you are, you’re heading to the next round.

Heracles vs. Vulcan - This game was supposed to be between Heracles, the famous Greek mortal with Godly strength, and Vulcan, the Roman God of fire. Unfortunately, there was a mix-up with the invitations and when Heracles stepped onto the court, he was greeted by a group of Star Trek nerds wearing pointy ears and chanting “live long and prosper.” And as you might imagine, the Trekkies weren’t exactly physical athletic specimens to marvel at. Oh, they were able to grip the ball decently since they can do that weird finger split V maneuver that Spock always did back in Star Trek, but when the clock hit 14:40 in the first quarter, most of them were keeled over huffing for breath. The last physical activity any of them had participated in was the infamous 1994 Star Wars versus Star Trek nerds in which the human population lost the only 18 people able to cure cancer to atomic wedgies and super swirlies. It’s no surprise that Heracles had little trouble decimating them and cruising to a 76-19 victory.

Osiris vs. King Arthur - King Arthur found himself up against Osiris, the Egyptian sun-God and to be honest, Arthur & Co. weren’t sure exactly which type of Egyptian God Osiris was; one of those pansy half human-half eagle type that only show up in tombs and on papyrus or one of those kickass Gods that can unleash plagues and title waves and sand storms like the bad guy in The Mummy movies. Thankfully for Arthur, Osiris was about as tough as a wet paper bag and fell to Arthur in a 52-40 loss. Of course, when the entire band of knights from the Round Table as well as Merlin have your back, I guess it doesn’t really matter what Egyptian God you’re up against.

Odin vs. Sirens - Despite holding a 3 seed, many people readily admit they have no idea who Odin is. However, those of you who’ve played Final Fantasy are probably saying, “isn’t Odin that kickass aeon you can summon?” Well, not only is he a powerful video game character, but he was the leader of the Norse and Teuton Mythology. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Athena. As for the Sirens, those irresistible maidens whose songs were made legendary in the poems of Homer, one can only assume they sand their way into a 14 seed, because they sure as hell (I’m looking at you, Satan!) aren’t any good at basketball. This was further emphasized by Odin, who used his vigor and might to sever the voice boxes of all the Sirens and then beat them 78-2.

Achilles vs. Socrates - Achilles came into this tournament a bit worried since his only weakness is no longer a well kept secret, thanks to Brad Pitt and his little 80-billion dollar production of Troy. Even after all these years, Achilles was still technically nursing his injury on the DL and to make matters worse, he came into this game with a pulled groin muscle and a herniated disk. Turns out he had a few more weaknesses than we thought. These slight injuries, therefore, limited Achilles to playing in a wheelchair and even though Socrates spent most of the game rambling on about how much of a hack Plato was, he soundly defeated Achilles 28-10.

Vishnu vs. Math - Vishnu could have entered the Mideast Division had he wanted, but since he is approximately 20 billion years old, he qualified for the Old School Division as well. It was a no brainer for him, though, when he learned that if he picked this bracket, he’d be going up against Math. And while many of us think about math in terms of being another member of the Axis of Evil, it turns out that Math was Celtic ruler of the underworld, which certainly sounds about right to me. But the great irony of it all is that Math is actually horrible at math and thus, he spent the entire game trying to figure out who was winning. Turns out, it was Vishnu in a 61-14 smack down.

I’ve been sick as a dog the past two days, but those non-FDA apporved drugs which my mom swipped in Brazil certainly have done wonders for me. Plus they don’t have the common side effect of diarrhea like American drugs.

Ok, you got me, my only knowledge of American medicine comes from television commercials. But to get back to my original point, I hope to be well enough to do a little more typing and a little less coughing up of my lungs tomorrow.

Well, the brackets are still steadily coming into my inbox, even though I said y’all only had 24 hours. So here’s the deal, since I’m still getting them, I’ll give you one last day. That’s it! So if you want to join in on the fun (and who doesn’t?!), then, fill in your freaking bracket!. Once you’ve done so, hit the “save then e-mail” button, select “other,” and then hit “Save Data File.” This will now save your picks to your own computer and all you have to do is e-mail that file to me at Shyzer AT gmail DOT com.

Simple, huh? So hurry up and fill in your brackets, folks!

But just to give you a taste of what this tournament’s gonna be like, I’ll show you the Adam & Eve matchup. One thing I always loved about March Madness was how right before the real tournament began, two shitty teams played each other just for the “opportunity” to enter the tournament as the 64th team and get crushed by 40 points against the likes of Duke. So, I decided to follow tradition and let Adam and Eve battle for the honor today before things got underway here tomorrow.

Adam vs. Eve - The rematch between our two pansy ancestors finally took place as Adam and Eve meet up for the first time since Eve’s fateful afternoon snack. However, the game never really got underway due to the controversy that erupted beforehand when Adam decided this would be the perfect time to come out of the closet. Centuries and centuries worth of pent up anger and blaming every woman he saw for his exile from paradise had left Adam a bit jaded towards dating. That is, until he heard that catchy anti-gay slogan, “It’s Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve.” Well, as it turns out, it’s actually Adam & Juan, his personal hairstylist and partner of 10 years. And not surprisingly, Adam wasn’t too keen on playing basketball and so Eve got a free ride to face God.

Fellner sent me an IM mentioning that since half the fun of March Madness is the ability to fill out your own bracket and see how you fare, that I should allow the same for this Religion Tournament I’m doing. Good point, old chap, but Adobe makes it hard as hell for the average user to make an interactive .pdf file. But as always, I found a way.

So, anybody who’d like to participate, click here and fill in which contestants you think will win each round. Once you’ve done so, hit the “save then e-mail” button, select “other,” and then hit “Save Data File.” This will now save your picks to your own computer in .xml form and all you have to do is e-mail that file to me at Shyzer AT gmail DOT com.

Once you e-mail me your .xml file, I’ll plug it into the original bracket and upload them all here on Shyzer. That way, you’ll be able to not only see who you picked, but who all your other fellow Shyzerans picked and we can all watch to see whose bracket was the most poorly selected! See, isn’t public ridicule fun?! And so help me God if the only person who actually does this is Fellner!

Two quick last notes, first, since I’m posting this at 0230, I’m gonna hold off on starting the first round and give everybody one full day to get their brackets in. Second, I already know who is going as far as the Sweet 16 and I’ve got a vague idea of the Elite Eight and Final Four. Your submissions will have no effect of the results, so pick whoever the hell you want and don’t worry about possibly influencing me.

To say that I’ve wanted to do this post for a while would be quite the understatement. Long before Shyzer was even a figment of my imagination, I always thought I’d be funny to do something like this post, but for one reason or another, I never was able to until now. School, family, Australia - hell, two years ago I even completely forgot all about March Madness being in March. But thankfully, the stars have aligned or the Gods were ready or some other retarded cliche that implies I finally got off my ass and put some of this unfocused energy onto paper.

When my mom finally asked what I was working on after ten straight days of me carrying around me old college religion notes, I told her it had something to do with God and Republicans. “Oh, so it’s a political post,” she said. “Dear Christ, no,” I replied, “but he’s in there too, Christ, as well as Darwin and Buddha and Tom Cruise.” This new information seemed to be all she needed to hear, because with that, she quipped, “Ohhhh, so it’s a post which only you’ll find humorous. Gotcha.”

So with that flowing review fresh in your mind, I present to you the 2006 Religion Madness, brought to you by Shyzer.com, United Airlines, Coca Cola, and Captain Morgan.*

The premise of this tournament is simple: 64 of religion’s finest stars converge here on Shyzer for three full weeks of Holy basketball mayhem in an attempt to find out which religion is the best. So sit back, grab a cold one, and take some time to get to you this year’s lucky contestants before the games begin tomorrow. C-ya then.

* = United Airlines, Coca Cola, and Captain Morgan are co-sponsors in the sense that while I was writing this, I was also drinking rum & cokes and listening to my mom and Jeff make fun of me, who both work for United Airlines.

In 1978, ABC came out with a show that lasted for a grand total of 24 episodes before being yanked. Trying to capitalize on the cult following Star Trek seemed to have; they developed a story set in space about a small group of people who were the only survivors of the human race. The show was also the most expensive show ever created at the time, costing over $1 million dollars per episode. I’ve only seen one episode, thanks to bit torrent, but it’s pretty clear why the show was short lived. It was full of choppy dialogue, abysmal acting, and special effects that seemed as if they were created in somebody’s garage, despite the budget. But to be fair, this was in 1978 and “special effects in 1978″ is a phrase still synonymous with “suckage” and “craptacular.” In 1980, ABC took another shot at it by taking one or two characters from the original show and throwing them in an even futuristic version of its predecessor. It was full of time traveling, kids with superhuman strengths, and robot Nazis and I know this may come as a surprise to many of you, but it only lasted 10 episodes. I mean, I always thought that whenever you had robot Nazis AND superheroes, there was no stopping you. Sadly, I was wrong.

The show was called Battlestar Galactica and as they say, the third time’s a charm.

In 2003, NBC was again looking to fill its lineup and was approached by a group of writers who wanted to remake the old series into a 3-hour miniseries, except with a few twists. And by few twists I mean completely overhauling the series, such as turning the bad guy (who was named Count Baltar. COUNT fucking Baltar. Pure 70s right there, folks) into a quasi-good guy, recasting several key characters from male to female, and basically rewriting and changing the entire script from start to finish. NBC gave it the green light and later that year, it aired with little advance advertising or promotions. You can imagine the network’s shock when critics nationwide loved it and ratings proved it to be the highest-rated cable miniseries of the year. For those of you who missed it, the plot unfolded as such: A group of 12 planets housed the human race and their names ranged from Caprica to Scorpia to Virgon: variations of today’s zodiac signs. We soon learn that 40 years ago, our friends had been involved in a bloody and violent war with the Cylons, a group of machines that had been created to serve the humans, but who eventually rose up and revolted. At the end of the war, a cease fire was signed and the Cylons left to find their own home world. They were never heard from again, life slowly returned to normal, and human society began to revert back to a peacetime environment.

Turns out, that’s what the Cylons wanted. As we watch, they sneak back into the colonies using different models of human androids they’ve created and utterly decimate the planets with nuclear weapons during a surprise invasion, killing everything and anything in their path. A relatively small group of survivors meet up in space and, accompanied by the only military battleship that was able to avoid being destroyed, realize that the war is now over - the humans have lost. Not knowing what to do, the survivors recount an old myth that says when their ancestors first came and founded these colonies, there was actually a 13th group that was sent to a far away planet.

Realizing they have no other choice but to run into the unknown, our rag-tag group of survivors escape one last time from a Cylon attack and head out into the depths of space to find the mythical planet of Earth.

It didn’t take long for the Sci Fi Channel to jump at the opportunity and buy the rights to the story and characters. After seeing how much people loved the new version, they had visions of turning it back into a TV show and in January 2005, 13-trial episodes began to air, picking up right where the 2003 miniseries left off. TIME magazine soon declared it one of the six best drama series on television and the show won an ungodly amount of hardware that would give Desperate Housewives or LOST a run for their money. Season 1 eventually wrapped up on a LOST-esque type cliffhanger, but last night, Season 2 ended on a cliffhanger to end all cliffhangers. There’s no hanging on the cliff anymore, we’ve been kicked right over the edge and sent tumbling into the black abyss. And we have to wait until fucking October for season 3 to start.

If you want a show filled with violence, sex, and car chases, this isn’t for you. Oh, there are plenty of sweet battle scenes and scantily clad babes and hunks, trust me on that. But there’s also so much more. One of the unique aspects of this show is the use of religion and mythology, in both the classic form and with a new twist. The humans believe in a more Greek and Roman system and believe in the multiple Gods of Cobol. The Cylons, a group of robots and human androids remember, actually believe in One God, The God. It’s truly a refreshing twist on things, running against the grain that most shows and movies portray of the godless, evil robots putting the moral humans up against the death wall only to have an act of God spare the humans and save the day. Another nice twist is the Cylons understanding and almost mastery of human emotions. These aren’t just bland toasters, these robots think and feel and have needs of their own. The writers also make use of science fiction to examine contemporary social, moral, and ethical issues in allegory and yet in the midst of all this, they also manage to keep you guessing and on your toes with every episode. Plus it’s nice to see a show that doesn’t run with the “Look how powerful the humans are now!” storyline and instead stick with a “Holy Christ, our race is about to be extinct and we have no idea what we’re doing” theme.

But in the end, the show basically boils down to one thing: Hope. These people have nothing but hope keeping them alive; hope that they can stay ahead of the Cylon army that’s chasing them for just another day, hope that their supplies won’t run out before it’s too late, hope that Earth is something more than just a myth. Hope.

So if you find you have a long weekend (ok, it might take you a full week or two actually) of nothing to do and trust in my judgment of the current Top 10 Shows on Television, head on down to Blockbuster and rent the miniseries / first 2 seasons on DVD. You’ve got until next October and I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Oh yeah, I think I should also go ahead and crown Battlestar Galactica as having the best theme music and opening sequence, possible of all time. They picked the perfect song and clips to depict nothing but absolute despair and desperation and I literally get goose bumps every time I see/hear it.

That’s right, literally.

Anybody got anything new to say, because apparently I certainly don’t.

Somebody hates Bob Costas as much as I do! There is a God!