Shyzer.com

First off, it looks like Shyzer suffered a little hiccup this morning. One of the posts I made last night around 5AM and two comments that were left on the post below were all erased for some reason. It might have had something to do with the fact that I just upgraded Shyzer’s hosting account from 150mb to 1 full gig, but oh well. Just wanted to let the people who commented know that I didn’t erase your comments on purpose.

Anyway, the short version of the post I made last night was that in case you haven’t already noticed, the Shyzer Picture Gallery has been updated. There’s a whole new section of pictures taken over New Years called Snowmobiling. I also added two new subfolders to the Family section, one of pictures from Thanksgiving, the other of pictures from X-mas. I also updated all the pics in my Past Cam Images section and even stuck a few pictures onto the end of Goob’s Life. All in all, there are about 100 new pictures to see and I’m actually not even done uploading them. I have about 50 more to scan that are going to go into the Old School folder. So anyway, be sure and go check all those out.

And yes, that was the shortened version.

[EDIT]As Waynus pointed out to me, all the pictures I uploaded last night were erased in the hiccup as well, which basically means I’m missing the Family X-mas pictures. Those shall be up by mid-afternnon[/EDIT]

I’ll be honest. I’ve quite enjoyed the spike of traffic Shyzer has experienced lately. So in an attempt to further boast my daily hit count, I’ve decided to perform an all out search engine-whore and write certain phrases that will guarantee me thousands, no, millions of hits! But this won’t only be a hit whoring affair! It’s a well known fact that we here at Kramerica Shyzer Incorporated take public service very seriously, which is why in addition to posting the certain phrases, I am going to explain why they will bring in so many hits. Also, I refuse to travel the easy route and run off a list of items like Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Patriot-Eagle Super Bowl, Slutty Virgins, Blog, Sex, Seex, Sexx, Blog Clicker, Blog Explosion, The Daily Show clips, Family Guy, fun sleep pics, mercedes terrell video, etc I just won’t stoop that low. So without further A DEW….

Mark Kotsay’s Wife - Big Foot. The Lock Ness Monster. The Phantom of the Opera. Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction. Jessica Simpson’s high IQ. None of these are more mysterious or cloaked then the infamous wife of Mark Kotsay. It’s a well-known fact that men who play professional sports tend to have smoking hot wives. It’s a lesser-known fact that Mark Kotsay has the hottest wife of them all. Except there’s a small problem. There ceases to be a single picture of her on the Internet. You see, for every team Mark Kotsay has played for, his wife has joined the team’s corresponding player’s wives association. They do small public services for the community and basically are used as a public relations tool by the team. Now most teams have jumbotrons or huge televisions or something along those lines in their stadiums. At random times during random games, most teams like to tout that they too have a soft and caring side for the community, so they run announcements for some of the public services they offer, which is where Mark Kotsay’s Wife comes in. For every team that Kotsay has played for, his wife has not only joined the association, but has been the main spokeswoman for their jumbotron commercials. Over time, more and more people have had a chance to see Mrs. Kotsay’s commercial and there’s a general consensus among all those who saw her; she is the most gorgeous woman they have ever seen. Message boards have thousand-page threads dedicated solely to her. Websites are repeatedly spammed in search of a single picture of her. She has become a living legend amongst baseball fans and those who have reportedly caught a glimpse of her swear by their lives that she is easily the most breathtaking female they have ever laid eyes on.

And no, this is not her, so don’t be fooled. Although Kris Benson’s wife has a wonderful site, she’s a bit too much on the slutty side for me.

Songmeanings - The most popular song lyrics site on the net always seems to be shut down for months at a time, which leads to thousands of people searching for a reason as to why. So to anybody who has come looking for an explanation, you won’t find one here, so why don’t you just stick around and read up on the site? But seriously, why does the best lyrics site on the net always go down? I want to frackin’ know. (Note to Andy. Bet you liked that Battlestar Galactica reference there. I swear, I’m not obsessive!)

Psycho Girl Video - Yes I have it. No I’m not putting it up on Shyzer. Let’s just say this girl had a crush on a guy and went a little too far in her attempts to seduce him. Instead, she became a psycho. Big time.

Joe Theismann video - Angela mentioned that she got a few hundred hits in one day from people searching for this, so I figured I’d just throw it out there as well =) Can’t hurt!

Vida Guerra - Hell if I know with this one. I was told by a friend that he gets a few thousand hits a month from this chick, so I figured it couldn’t hurt. I’d never heard of her, but she’s not that hot.

Elin Grindemyr - Easily the hottest chick that nobody has ever heard of. Well, I take that back. If you’re on the computer any and surf message boards from time to time, you’ve more than likely come across her. She’s a Swedish girl who was spotted by their version of Maxim in one of those “Hotties Next Door” contests. She shot a photo shoot, but the editors decided to cut her out of the magazine and that was that. Until, that is, an employee leaked the pictures located in Galleries One, Two, and Three found here. Suddenly she skyrocketed to celebrity status throughout Sweden and quickly throughout Europe. Most people here in America have never heard of her, but trust me, you will one day very soon.

Okay, I’m extremely bored with this now. I’m off to bed.

Tonight was…wow…yeah, tonight was simply wow. It’s 4 AM and I’m just impressed that I’m sober enough to type this without massive typos. But tonight…seriously…wow. Kick. Ass.

[edit]Apparantly I made a few phone calls as well last night. To anybody who received one, I’d be very interested in hearing just what in the hell I said to you, so please IM me and let me know. [/edit]

I can’t fathom the idea that my friends are starting to get married. It always seemed to be one of those concepts that you always heard of, but never really encountered. Marriage, Family, Careers, etc. I’d like a family one day, probably marriage, never a career. But I’m 21 and right now, none of those are on the horizon for me and I just always assumed everybody else my age was the same way.

So with that said, I find it hard to believe that the group of friends I grew up with has now entered the “Marriage” stage of life. Yet low and behold, it’s officially begun. I was asked tonight to be a groomsman in one of my good buddies wedding this summer and I quickly accepted. Not because I’ve known him since the 4th grade or since he was the very first kid to be nice to me at my new school. No, I’m looking at something more valuable here. I want the coveted Wedding Sampler Crown. To date, I’ve already been a ring bearer, a cameraman, and a guest. After this one, all that’s left is the priest and, well, the groom.

But in all seriousness, congratulations bro. I couldn’t be happier for ya. And thanks for asking me to be a groomsman, because you know what that means. Hellooooooooooooo Bridesmaids!

As Jaime pointed out a few weeks ago, I never shared the final results of the Best of Shyzer. Allow me to do so now. The method for determining the winner was simple. I created an Excel spreadsheet and entered the individual results as they were submitted to me. At the end of the spreadsheet, I tallied the votes for each post and divided the final number by how many votes there were. So in essence, the best score possible was a 1 while the worst score was a 5. Also, if you haven’t noticed by now, I turned this whole voting thing into a subpage over there on the left for any and all newcomers to Shyzer so that they too can experience the Best of Shyzer. And now, for the results.

*drumroll please*

Coming in 5th place, with a much higher than expected score of 3.4, was Part I & Part II of The Creation Education Science Fair. Fellner might be shocked to see this post this low, but I think it got such a low score because people didn’t want to go back and read a lot.

In 4th place was Reunion, Part I and Reunion, Part III. with a final score of 3.26. I personally would have ranked this higher, but hey, it’s not my call.

Capturing the Bronze Medal with a surprisingly low score of 2.866 was The Catch. I didn’t even think this would make the final 5, much less become a medallist, but I was most pleasantly wrong.

Our Silver Medallist finished with a score of 2.8, beating The Catch out by one single point. Who was the lucky bastard? None other than Only In Spartanburg. Goes to show that the people always love humor.

And finally, our Gold Medallist, who finished with a score of 2.6 and received over 25% of the first place votes. I can’t say I’m shocked at all because Tan Nguyen and Week 1 were winners from the start. God I’d do anything to have Tan back with us, but until that day we meet again, all I can do is share his memory with the rest of the world.

Just for fun, I went back and looked at all the voting patterns to see if anybody happened to vote exactly the way the final results ended up. Not a one. So I went back and looked to see if anybody got three posts in the correct position (and thereby flipping two other posts incorrectly) and I came back with some results. Jess (1,3,5) and Clay (1,2,3) both nailed three in their correct spots, so congrats to you two. But Clay, I deem you the winner since you were the only person to accurately vote for the top 3 posts in their correct final positions. So way to go Clay for knowing what the public likes and voting along with them. =)

Oh, and Andy, you were the only person not to get a single one right. Congrats on that as well! VALIDATION!

Thank you so much for all those who voted. Sorry it took me so long to post the results, but you know how it goes with me. Seriously though, I wouldn’t have been able to pick or rank these on my own so I couldn’t have done this without any of you. Thanks again.

Just a little side note before I start. Not a single quote in this post was made up. My laptop was turned on at the time of this event and I quickly grabbed it and began pounding out the quotes verbatim just to make sure that when I came back to type this post, I didn’t exaggerate. That’s right, as the events unfolded, I was thinking of Shyzer. Anyways…

A week or so ago, Waynus and I were forced to share a bed at our aunt and uncle’s house since they were in the process of buying a new spare bed. We didn’t mind at all, but it did lead to the occasional mid-night blanket tug-o-war match for supremacy of the covers. Plus, the Berlin Wall of Pillows we constructed only lasted a few minutes before we both started beating the crap out of each other for attempting to inch it towards the other person, thereby securing more lebensraum for our bodies. However, there were times before our struggles when we both shared the bed peacefully. Every night we’d lie there, me reading my book and him talking on the phone, and not utter a single word to each other. It was bliss. Yet, there was one such occasion where I not only threw down my book in disbelief, but ended up getting out of bed, having a complete meltdown, quizzing a tenth grade girl to the brink of tears, and then yelling at her in rage.

Some of you may remember this post I made last summer about the stupidity of one of Tommy’s friends. Well, he failed to learn that stupid people are, well, stupid and so he continues to associate with this bimbo. As I was just getting to the good part of Fail Safe, I heard the following phrase come out of Waynus’ phone.

So you’re in California? Is that on the other side of the country?

Immediately my brain was livid. I couldn’t believe my ears and yet at the same time, I remembered my previous encounter with South Carolina’s very own Jessica Simpson, and so I knew that this was not out of the norm for her. The minute Waynus heard it, he squeezed his eyes shut knowing I was within earshot. My emotions pleaded to just let it go and continue reading, but I couldn’t. I simply couldn’t.

Goob: Wait a damn minute. What the hell did she just say?
Waynus: Nothing! Nothing! Just let it go!
Goob: Oh hell no, give me that damn phone.

I made a swipe to grab the phone, but Waynus jerked it out of my reach and went into damage control. He claimed it was an honest mistake, one that anybody could have made at 0300. “Okay,” I said, “Let me give her another geography question. Ask her how many states there are.” Waynus looked at me for a second before sighing heavily. He knew the exact same thing I did. The answer would be anything but correct.

Waynus: Um, Catherine, let me ask you a question. How many states are there in the U.S. My brother is just wondering because he doesn’t think you’ll know.
Stupidest Tenth Grader In America: Fifty-one! HA! GOTCHA! I bet he didn’t think I’d know that, so just tell him to back the fuck off!

I went absolutely apeshit. Gotcha? Gotcha? GOTCHA?!?! YOU GOT IT FUCKING WRONG! Waynus almost lost it upon viewing my reaction. I jumped out of bed, grabbed a handful of pillows and tossed them across the room. Our baby cousin was sleeping in the next room and Waynus was trying to muffle a hysterical outburst as I grabbed one of the pillows and screamed into it. I finally looked up and just shook my head.

Waynus: Look, maybe she just doesn’t know geography. Everything you’ve ever asked her had to do with geography. Ask her something else!
Dumb Retard: Ask me about current events! I keep up with the news!
Goob:…….Fine. Let’s see here…. Okay, name either country we’ve invaded in the last three years.
Dumb Retard: Oh geez, this is hard. It’s one of those I countries, right?
Goob: Waynus, I swear to God if I ever meet this girl, I may strangle her on the spot.
Waynus: Give her another question! Those middle eastern countries are easily confused!
Goob: Okay, what just killed a bunch of people in Asia? I’ll give you a hint, it was a natural disater.
Dumb Retard: Hell if I know….
Goob & Waynus: IT WAS A FREAKING TSUNAMI!
Dumb Retard: Oh, that’s like a wave or something, isn’t it! I know that from Johnny Tsunami!

I was speechless. This had to be a horrible joke. How could somebody be this retarded, honestly? I wanted it to end and yet at the same time, curiosity and rage had formed a strange mixture that made me want to see just how stupid she was before making sure she never passed on her genes to a future generation.

Waynus: This has got to stop before you kill somebody.
Fucking Moron: NO! I want to prove to him that I’m not dumb.
Goob: Haha, good luck with that. Okay, how about a few history questions?
Fucking Moron: Yeah, ask me something about history! That’s my second best subject in school!
(Waynus whispering to me): Please, ask her something easy. I don’t want you to kill her.
Goob: Catherine, who fought in WWII. Anybody. Name any damn country that fought in the war and what side they were on.
Fucking Moron: America and somebody…didn’t we fight the Jews?!
Goob & Waynus: WHAT?! DIDN’T WE FIGHT THE JEWS? WHAAAAAAAT?
Fucking Moron: Common guys, this is really hard. Ask me something common.

I felt sick. I’m not joking. Even my stomach, upon hearing her response, threw its hands up in protest over her stupidity and threatened to rebel. My knees suddenly felt weak and my head was spinning. Didn’t we fight the Jews? Yeah, we fought the Jews. It was that Anne Frank bitch who started the whole thing by making bagels in her local banks. Luckily we had our good buddy Hitler around to help us coral them up into nice bed and breakfasts in Germany and Poland. Jesus, my eight-year-old sister even knows that Germany was “the bad guy” in WWII.

Goob: I can’t go on. This is just too much. She’s actually made me sick.
Waynus: Wait, I’m sure she can answer one question, can’t you Catherine? Here, I’ll give you the easiest one I know. Who was the first President of the United States?
Never Needs To Procreate: Um…I’m really tired. I don’t know.
Waynus: Oh Jesus Christ, I can’t talk to you anymore tonight Catherine. You don’t know?! You’re an idiot! Goodnight.

I pray that our bodies never enter the same room in real life. Even though I’ve never tried prison food, I already know I have no desire to eat it for the rest of my life.

This story is simply heartbreaking. I’ve probably stared at the above photo for 20 minutes and tried to imagine what he must be running though his mind. One minute he’s going to buy ice cream for his little girls and the next, they’re all dead. How do you recover from that? How?

You may notice some weird stuff over on the left side of the page today/tomorrow. I’m working on finding one decent ad company as well as adding a few new subpages and a search function. All should be well by tomorrow night.

I know I’m a few weeks late on this, but my vacationing led to a very erratic and unpredictable Internet connections, which meant that I only had a few minutes at best to type up a post for Shyzer recently and this seemed to warrant a little more than just a “Hey, doesn’t this suck?” type of gloss over. I simply wanted to say Farewell to Reggie White. Reggie was easily one of my most favorite football player of all time. Being a huge Packers fan might have had a little something to do with it, but Reggie was loved far and wide by almost every football fan. There was no way you could hate the guy, even if he was sacking your teams quarterback at that very moment. He, together with Favre, restored Green Bay to respectability and glory by unexpectedly signing with the Packers when they were among the league’s laughing stocks. But more importantly, Reggie was one of the greatest men off the field. His community service and support was second to none and I know I speak for thousands of people out there when I say you will be missed Reggie. I’ll never forget what you did for the Packers and for that, I thank you dearly.

I should be in Columbia right now. I should be hanging out and partying with Andy and Kieran tonight after an afternoon toss of the baseball on the horseshoe. I should be.

But wait, I’m not. About four weeks ago, my truck took me the entire 600 miles up to Virginia to see my family. Last night, it only allowed me to retrace 570 of them. About a half an hour outside of town, the engine gave a soft whine and started to gradually slow down. Clay thought I was messing around when I let flow of a steady, loud stream of expletives. I managed to pull the truck over to the side of the road, get AAA to town me to a mechanics, and my dad picked us up and finished the journey for us. Surprisingly enough, the mechanics were able to start working on my baby around 9 this morning. Unsurprisingly enough, they have absolutely no idea what is wrong with it. No belts are broken, the engine’s getting gas just fine, and not a damn thing appears to be wrong. But I can assure you, when you turn the key, all you get is the classic “Uhuhuhuhuhuh”. If they can’t fix it tomorrow, I’m stuck here until Monday night at the earliest and Andy leaves Tuesday.

Sometimes I seriously hate Fate.

There’s just something about me and trying to drive home from Virginia. Last year I was forced to do so on New Years night and was able to witness a tractor trailer exploding in front of me, sit still from 2AM until 5:30AM, and then watch my battery quickly died. I don’t know what the hell I did to anger the Gods this year, but it must have been a doozie.

But you know what the funny / not-so much funny, but more ironic thing is? My truck died within 3 miles of the exact same spot last year. Next time, I’m taking another route home.

A friend of mine asked to see the Ashlee Simpsons video clip of her being booed at the Orange Bowl the other night, so I figured I’d just post it on here in case anybody else wanted to see it. So here it is (right click and save as) for anybody that wants to see it. I found it hilarious that 70,000 absolute rival fans who just moments before were battling it out with one another over the game realized that Ashlee Simpson sucks ass and that they should join together in booing her. Maybe there is hope for this country.

Oh, and just in case your computer doesn’t show you the video, you need to install the latest codec for your computer. (And might I add, if this is the case, shame on you! Keep your computer updated!)