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My next invention is going to be a heated mouse. I use the word “next” loosely seeing as how every one of my inventions to date have yet to get past the stage where my family looks at it and tells me I’m a moron. But I’m sticking with this heated mouse plan. At night when I’m on the computer, I’m usually bundled up in blankets in a futile attempt to retain what little body heat is emanating from me in the first place. But unfortunately, my hand and fingers working the mouse become icy cold you can’t work a computer with gloves. It’d be like Fat Homer trying to make a phone call and having the operator tell you that your fingers are too fat for dialing. Hence, this is where a heated mouse comes in handy.

Now I just gotta figure out how to heat my mouse up.

I thought about sticking it in the microwave for a few minutes, but that wouldn’t be too feasible since you’d have to reheat it every few minutes. Plus there’s the whole plastic melts when heated factor. Damn chemistry. The other night I lit a few candles and placed them right next to me mouse, which actually worked in keeping the hand / mouse region warm. Yet thankfully I tried this method out first before rushing into mass production of Goob’s Mouse Flames or some other retarded name, because I quickly realized that in order to keep the area warm enough, you had to place the candles so close to your hand that you couldn’t move the mouse without touching them and you couldn’t touch them without suffering from 3rd degree burns. Now I’m all for going to the hospital in search of Hot Nurses, but it’s not nearly as much fun when you can’t use your right hand to…uh…shake their hand when you meet them!

I’m probably gonna buy a pack of those little heated pads that run on electricity next week and see if I can’t take apart my mouse and rig something up. The hardest part will be wiring it into the mouse itself so that it draws power from the computer, but I’m sure Google can help me out there. And then I’ll only have to find a company to produce them, draw a cool logo for the box, and buy a 4 AM infomercial timeslot on Comedy Central before people can start sending me $19.99. BUT WAIT! There’s more! If you act within the next twenty minutes, I’ll throw in this heated keyboard for FREE! That’s a $59.99 retail value for FREE!

Whoa, sorry, I got a little ahead of myself there. Wait a minute, did I just say a heated keyboard? Man, that’d be sweeeeet.