Shyzer.com

When I came here to Australia, one of my initial goals for Shyzer was to try and catalog all the strange and monumental differences between home and here. However, amazingly enough, there weren’t that many huge differences. Sure, they drive on the other side of the road and yes, they can be a bit weird at times, but I sure know I have my moments when I’m weird and hell, I even drive on the wrong side of the road every now and then just for kicks. So, instead, I started trying to notice the subtle differences. I bought a small notepad and carried it around with me everywhere I went, jotting down every little thing I notice. Here are some of the most interesting ones so far.

First off, let’s get the biggest difference out of the way. NO SQUIRRELS! Not a single squirrel to be seen. Back home, a walk across campus will result in the sighting of a minimum of 19 squirrels, two of who will be procreating. So, you can see why it’s so odd to have such a lack of the little squirrelly guys here.

Contrary to popular belief back home, there are actually three different styles of rugby. There are three leagues over here, AFL, Union, and League, and each of them are completely different. The worst style in my opinion is League. Basically it consists of teams finding the strongest men possible and trying to force your way down the field. There is very little, if any, strategy involved and frankly, I can’t understand how anybody could watch this. The entire game consists of 15 men just running into each other over and over. It’s fun for all of 34 seconds.

The next best would be Union. This is what we back home consider rugby, what with the scrums and style of play that we see on movies and television all the time. I would easily rank this leaps and bounds over League because Union is essentially League with some skill and strategy added to the mixture. Both are played on roughly the same size field as gridiron back home and the goal is to try and get a touchdown (called a “try”) at the other end of the field, just like in gridiron. However, in Union, players don’t just run into the opposing players and try to barrel their way through. If they can’t find a hole, they’ll pass it backwards or kick it forwards or do whatever is necessary to try and keep the play alive. However, one major weakness in both League and Union is that most of the players in these leagues are horrible at catching. It’s not uncommon to drop 25% of the passes thrown to you, but you have to remember, these throws are coming from your teammates in front of you who are simply turning around and tossing the ball back to you!

The best version is easily AFL to me. First off, the field itself is about the size of one and a half soccer fields, at least. Players are allowed to run with, kick, and throw the ball, but since there is much more ground to cover, the level of strategy involved is raised ten fold. The teams actually run plays and, unlike their League and Union counterparts, AFL players can catch! At the same time, this is still rugby folks, so there are plenty of crushing blows landed on players from time to time. Think soccer fused with gridiron and that’s what AFL is. In order to score, a player has to kick the ball between four poles on the other side of the field. Make it through the middle two and you earn six points. Make it through one of the middle two and one of the outer two and you earn less points. I went to an AFL game down in Sydney and had the time of my life! Most people here in Newcastle hate AFL and watch League, but I honestly have no idea how people can’t enjoy AFL. I’ll forever swear by the fact that AFL could easily come to America and become popular. If there’s any way to pick it up on Direct TV or anything, I’d certainly buy the package needed just to watch it. It’s a fantastic sport.

You might have noticed me saying gridiron previously, and that’s because the NFL is known as gridiron over here. Whenever the topic of gridiron is brought up, I’m always asked the same question. “Why do they wear so much padding?!?” I try to explain that besides the helmet and shoulder pads, the padding isn’t significant and that in essence, the padding can actually make the hits harder, but most people don’t understand. There’s a general consensus that the game is boring as well because it starts and stops way too much. I again counter with the fact that the reason for this is because the game is much more complicated than they realize and that you simply cannot just run into people. It’s a sport designed to make holes and exploit weaknesses, not hit the big men in front of you. But alas, few people here understand and I tend to move the topic onto something else.

One thing that I was really shocked about was that most people here HATE soccer! I figured that the entire world minus America was fanatical over soccer, but I assumed incorrectly. I’ve found maybe two or three people that follow European soccer and that’s about it.

Cricket is also pretty big here, but more on the International scene. And baseball is all but non-existant. However, unlike football, baseball seems to be generally respected. One of the best quotes I was told about baseball was from a kid complaining about trying to bat. “They don’t give you enough time to hit the ball,” he told me. “They just chuck it right at you! The guy on the hill throws the ball and less than a half second later, the play is over. How am I supposed to hit that?!” I just laughed and smiled. Glad to see that I’m not the only person who has trouble with the fastballs!

With regards to the beverages here, there is one big difference. They have this stuff called cordial and it’s basically flavored water. You can buy lemon, lime, apple, etc. flavored cordial and all you do is mix it with water. It’s not like Kool-Aide because there is very little, if any, sugar in it. So, you can imagine how tasteful it is for Americans. Every time I go to dinner and take a sip, I wonder to myself, “where the hell’s the sugar?”

Almost every major American softdrink is sold over here, with the exception of one. I have yet to find a single person who likes Dr. Pepper, and I’ve asked every single person on the Ozzie Cast Page. Apparently it was brought over here in the mid-90s and sales were so poor, that they stopped making it within a few years. Everybody I ask about it responds with the same thing. “It tastes like cough syrup!!”

One random thing that I’ve noticed from actually going to class is the size of notebook paper. Over here, it’s about 3/4 an inch longer than what we use back home. I brought a USC 5 subject notebook with me to use and when I first started getting handouts, I noticed they stuck out of the pockets. I looked around and sure enough, all the notebook paper over here is longer than ours. Also, it’s punched in a much different way than ours. We have the customary three holes down the side. The paper here has about seven. Most notebooks are either 2-ring or 5-ring, so to accommodate both of these, they punch the paper with seven holes. It looks funny to say the least.

Onto entertainment, there are a few shows that surprised me with regard to their lack of popularity. For starters, not many people here watch the Simpsons; maybe 20%. It’s not hated in any way, it simply isn’t that well liked. Now Friends and Seinfeld, on the other hand, seem to be hated with a passion. Most people admit that the humor in Seinfeld is completely over their head, which I can understand. But the hatred of Friends kinda surprised me, especially when you consider the fact that the British version of Couplings is well liked over here. As far as American shows that are loved, well LOST and The O.C. easily top the list. Family Guy, Scrubs, and Futurama are not far behind. (yeah I know, Futurama. That show sucked!)

When it comes to speech, they shorten almost every word to end in either “ie,” “y,” or “o.” Breakfast is brekkie. A can of beer is a tinny. Afternoon is arvo. It’s quite annoying, but I have to admit, it starts to catch on.

One common speech pattern that doesn’t grow on you, however, is how they tend to not complete a sentence. For instance, let’s say that it’s extremely hot outside. Well, if an Australian was describing the weather, they would most likely say, “Oh, it’s hot as out there.” My response is usually something along the lines of, “HOT AS WHAT?! YOU KEEP FORGETTING TO COMPARE IT TO SOMETHING ELSE!” That still irks the hell out of me!

There are payphones everywhere here, which is no longer the case back home. Bellsouth swooped in and removed all the public phones five or six years ago, but here, Telstra is still going strong with them. Also, all cell phones are done on a pay-per-minute plan. People buy a cell phone and then buy minutes as they go along. They pay, say, $30 bucks and whenever they run out, they just add more minutes. There are no monthly plans like we have back home and I just find that odd.

And speaking of phones, the phone systems here makes about as much sense as a President Bush press conference. It’s amazingly complicated to make a simple phone call in this country. First off, phone numbers can be however long they want and I’m not talking about area codes and whatnot. I’m looking at a receipt right now that has advertisements on the back. Want some Dominos? Then call 131-888. Want someone to come clean your carpets? Then call 4954-2600. Why does this number have an extra two digits? WHO THE HELL KNOWS! No seriously, nobody here even notices shit like this. I’ve asked at least five people and they just shrug and give me the “who cares as long as I get my pizza on time” face. But the fun doesn’t stop there. Oh no. When I was down in Sydney, I noticed a sign advertising a realty company, whose number started with 999. The other digits? 5359. I turned to the guy next to me and asked why that number had seven digits and his reply was, “Uh…because that’s what the phone company gave them!” Thanks, douche bag, I thought they just picked those numbers out of a hat and then magically it became his phone number! Seriously, it makes no sense whatsoever.

My next installment later this week will feature a list of Australian words and their American counterpart. After that will be my review on how they do classes over here. If you have anything else you’d like me to write about, then drop me a line in the comments!