Shyzer.com

A while back I plugged Stan’s new site Circle of Jerks. Well, since then, I’ve become not only a contributing author on his site and a member in the Circle of Jerks, but a Super Hero with Super Hero Powers.

Seriously, add his site to your bookmarks and start going to it daily. If you like my style of writing and humor, then you will certainly appreciate his. I’ll be looking to try and contribute maybe three or four articles a month on there. I uploaded my first article just moments ago and hopefully it will be a place where I can be a bit cruder than I am on here. Either way, go check it out and let us know what you think. The more feedback we get, the better!

Back in high school, I had a good buddy named Klein that lived right down the road from Fellner. We all ran cross country together and if there was one thing in the world that Klein was, it was a hilarious smartass. The quotes that tumbled out of Klein’s mouth were legendary and you always knew that whenever you were in his presence, laughter wouldn’t be far. But it was also Klein that phrased one of the catchiest words my friends and I still use today. Gooblings. You see, the running joke used to be that every time somebody came over to my house, our family would have grown by at least one child and that child would run around the house in the nude. I’ll never forget one afternoon where myself, my siblings, and most of the neighborhood kids were all in our backyard playing baseball. Of course, since it was in the dead of summer, everybody was only wearing the Essential S’s. Shorts, Shoes, and Shades. Somewhere around the 7th inning, Klein and Fellner drove up and as they approached the game, the hoard of little kids on the field ran up and surrounded them, begging each one to be on their team. Klein was only able to grab their attention and hush the crowd long enough to ask a simple question. While staring down at the faces of countless kids, he asked who was actually related to me. Since all the children thought that the answer rested on which team he would pick, well over half the hands shot up. When he rephrased the question to who actually lived in the house behind him, more hands seemed to linger in the air. He finally just looked up at me, shook his head, and stated, “Goob, you’ve got way too many Gooblings under your control.”

And hence, from that day forward, my siblings were officially known amongst my circle of friends as Gooblings.

On my bio page, you can find the following sentence:

We all talk multiple times a week and I can’t wait to see what it’s like when all five of us are adults.

For years, I’ve tried to image where myself and all the Gooblings will turn up along the way on the road of life. It’s easily one of the main things I look forward to in the future and earlier this month, our journey took one more step towards its way of completion. Tonight, I finally edited the cast page to reflect Clay’s correct age. That’s right folks. Clay, the Goobling right smack dab in the middle of all us Gooblings, the kid who for years and years I tormented to no end, the one who I easily would say is the most like me in every little way, turned 13. The big One Three. A teenager.

He’s made the plunge. Long gone are the days or tormenting and ridicule and replacing them are the days of inclusion and embracing. He’s an official member of the Brotherhood Clan, whose membership before hand only included two. Now we just need some cool handshake or knock or tattoo or something. (Don’t worry Mom and Dad, I won’t let my 13 year old brother get a tattoo. I’ll at least wait until he’s 14.) Although, to be honest, he has been an honorary member for a few years. And I’m not talking about the honorary type member that the PGA did with that black dude Cecil in Augusta before Tiger came around. Oh no. I’m talking about the honorary type member who had full voting privileges and was privy to Top Secret information and everything. The only difference now is that since the honorary member status has been removed, he’s now expected not to fall asleep after a midnight meeting just because he’s tried. That’s no longer an excuse! =)

I still can’t believe that the little guy is already in the full blown adolescence stage. I still remember being shocked the day his biological clock rolled over from single to double digits and yet when I think about it, that was over three years ago. Part of me wants to slow it down, to snap my fingers and freeze the Goobling’s lives right where they are. I don’t want to see them ever lose their inherent innocence. I don’t want the day to come where all three no longer latch onto my legs when I walk in the door. And I certainly don’t want to see the day where they are all dating totally hotter women than me (or men in your case Jules!) because that’s just not cool. I’m already sick of watching Orge woo the ladies. Enough of that! Unless of course they have some hot older sisters. Then by all means, continue!

I don’t ever want to stop receiving pictures in the mail from Jules. As I type this, I am glancing up at the two latest ones she sent me. One contains a picture of a Rhinoceros and says “I (heart) U, Rhino!” The other picture is quite possibly one of the greatest and funniest drawings in the history of little sister drawings. On it, there are two people holding hands with a third, much shorter person standing behind them. The short person is of Jules and she is saying, “Ooooh, Ryan likes her.” The two tall people are me and a hot chick. My face is covered in red dots with an arrow being pointed to my head saying “embarrassed” and the top half of the page is filled with the following caption. “Sooo….Ry. Have you met any girls yet?” These are the things that I never want to loose. I don’t know what I’d do without them.

And even Colton, he who runs around reciting Pokemon and video game phrases. He who comes up with some of the most random sayings and repeats them at the most inopportune times. He who will never talk to you on the phone but who will cuddle and lie with you on the couch for hours on end. He’s already 5 and in two months I will be updating the cast page again to reflect his new age of 6. I don’t want him to grow up. I don’t want him to stop cuddling with me and stop playing Mario Kart Double Dash and stop thinking that the game where I pretend to be a monster and chase him around the house isn’t fun anymore. I don’t want any of this to end.

And yet, I still stand by my belief that I can’t wait to see what we’re all like when we grow up. I can’t wait to see what kind of trouble we all get into when we get together for holidays and celebrations. I can’t wait for the day Colton turns 21 and we all get together to celebrate. Jules will already be and a hot young lady whom will never be allowed to date for no man will ever be good enough for her. Clay will be celebrating his final year of the glorious 20s decade before turning 30 while Waynus will already be 32 with a wife. (yeah, you’re getting married first son!) Myself? I’ll be 38, carefree as ever, roaming the countryside in search of new and exciting adventures, reminiscing on Shyzer about the good ‘ole days, and echoing the thoughts I made here today. I can’t believe how fast these Gooblings are growing up.

But Happy Birthday, Clayster. You have no idea how proud I am to be your older brother. I can’t wait to be lounging on the lake in Minnesota with you and Tom in less than a month, talking about just how great life can get.

I just hope you know how large of a roll you and Tom and Jules and Colt play in making mine spectacular.

For your viewing pleasure, I’ve uploaded the final two videos that Hannah recorded of me slightly tipsy. They’re not as funny as the first, but I decided to upload the second one because I find it hilarious that I can’t plug the fan in and the third one because I mistake packets of seasoning for…protection. Plus I get angry with the piece of noodle for not going in my mouth.

Anyways, here they are. Goob Drunk 2 and Goob Drunk 3.

I really want to get Hannah’s camera and film some more stuff around here. I’d use the camcorder I brought, but I wouldn’t be able to upload any of the film since all the special hard and software is back home. There’s a pretty big ball / party here this Saturday, so hopefully I’ll be able to film some stuff there instead of me being in the films!

I’ve spent the last four hours or so working on Shyzer as well. It’s 0322 at the moment and I’m not even remotely tired, so I’ll most likely spend another few hours working on stuff. Just keep checking out the Update page to find out what I’ve been working on since I’m listing things on there as I go tonight.

This wasn’t originally what I had planned on uploading right now, but when Hannah alerted me a few hours ago to some certain footage she held in her possession, I made a managerial decision and bumped this to the top of my To Do List.

A few days ago I spoke of a movie I was partaking in where the video class on campus filmed three International students more or less making complete asses out of themselves. Of course, the minute I get my copy of that tape, it will be uploaded here on Shyzer for all to laugh at me. But that’s not what I have for you today. You see, at yesterday’s shoot, a free keg was provided. Even though it was only barely after the crack of noon on a Sunday, I’m never one to turn down free refreshments. It’s simply rude. So as I got ready for the first shoot, I snagged a cup, scribbled Goob across it, and filled it to the brim.

The shoot lasted for almost 10 hours.

Needless to say, by the end of it, I was a tad inebriated. When I stumbled off the bus and into the corridor, I made a beeline for my room, but was caught off guard and spotted by a few of my mates here. As luck had it, Hannah was one of said mates and Hannah is the owner of a sweet little digital camera that can also take high quality movies.

I think you can guess what happened next. - I hope you downloaded it while you could, because the video is no longer here!

Ever since the success of the Shyzer Shuffle video, coupled with the fact that I want to start adding weekly videos here on Shyzer if at all possible if I can figure out how to film them, I figured I’d test out Windows Movie Maker and see how it works. In reality, this was more of a time for me to test and make sure I could get the conversions, compressions, and watermarks done corectly and so far, they all seem to work perfectly. So if you want more videos, be sure to let me know in the comments / tagboard and maybe even leave a few requests.

Oh, and one last thing. Tempe is my fan, who I’ve not only named, but who has more of a personality than some actual humans I know. Some made fun of me for loving and caring for Tempe and actually tried to seperate us. He was kidnapped from me last month and held hostage until the criminals (ie. Hannah) finally felt bad and released him. Our reunion was quite tearful.

Glad everybody enjoyed the Post Secrets entry I made. I received quite a bit of feedback on that, which was nice.

I wish I had a new post to upload tonight, but right now I’m running on fumes. The past few days have pretty much been me writing essays, sleeping to make up for my lack there of, or working on Shyzer’s bastard child that I at times wish I had never embarked upon. I should have left him chained in the basement, locked in the corner, feeding him nothing but stale bread. Oh, and I spent all day Wednesday filming a video for a media class on campus. One of my good mates here Sarah (whose bio is STILL not uploaded on here. Seriously, if I was her, I’d kick my ass for taking so long to get this thing uploaded) is in the class and asked me to come audition for it. I said what the hell, showed up, and proceeded to bring my A game with me. Basically it was me being filmed while making fun of Australia and as I walked out, they went ahead and told me I’d be back for filming. So I went and filmed the rest of the movie last Wednesday and we’ll finish it up this Sunday. I’ve been promised a copy of the tape (including the audition, which is what I want the most) so you know what that means. At least, you should know what that means. That’s right, that media link over there to the left will have a nice, new video clip for your viewing pleasure just as soon as I can get my hands on the clip.

You know how I always say I have a word document filled with upcoming Shyzer posts? I just hit Word Count on that thing and it’s over 10,000 long. That’s my problem. I can write the first or second half of a post, but until I can think of a “perfect” way to finish/start it, I stash it off until the proper inspiration comes to me. Well I’ve decided to drop my anal-retentivness and force myself to finish them, good or bad. We’ll see how this turns out, but here’s to hoping at least a few thousand of those words can meld together into one, solid post.

Coming next on Shyzer? A fellow Goobling joins the ranks of teenagehood and is initiated into sacred ranks of Goob’s Brotherhood. Stay tuned.

I want to share with you all a little secret I stumbled across a while ago. It’s a wonderful website that goes by the name Post Secret and it’s one of the most emotionally stirring sites I’ve come across in quite a while. The concept is so amazingly simple, I’m surprised it hadn’t been thought of before. People find or make a postcard, write out their deepest and darkest secrets, and then send them in. They are then posted, anonymously, for the world to see and read.

The owner receives almost 20 postcards a day, so the site is updated pretty regularly. Of course, not all of the postcards make it on the site, but one of the real tragedies of the site is that the owner feels there should be no need for an archive. So, after a while, the secrets are bumped off the main site forever.

I’ve probably read each secret at least twice and there have been a small handful that I’ve connected with rather strongly. Some are shocking, some are funny, and some are troublesome. But in the end, all of them are equally powerful and moving and when you hit the bottom of the page, you will find yourself craving just one more.

Its sites like these that make me remember just how wonderful this great contraption we call the Internet can truly be.

Phase One of Operation “Come on Goob, get at least 51% in all your classes so you pass!” is complete. In a span of 56 hours, I was awake for 51 of them. Going that long was much more easier than you may think, as long as you don’t mind putting up with the purple ninjas that arrive determined to kick your ass around hour 39.

To make matters worse, Stanley opened up a brand new site while I was in the middle of writing my first essay. Few of us remember Stan’s original site, Revenge of the Nerds, but on contained some of the best and wittiest writing the ‘net has ever seen. After letting his hosting and domain expire, Stan gave up the blog world. Until now. I highly suggest checking out Circle of Jerks, for if you enjoy the writing here on Shyzer, you will appreciate CoJ, especially when you consider that I am going to be contributing to it on the side! So go, check out CoJ, and let us know what you think.

Which finally brings me to my last point. While talking to Stan for countless hours about his new endeavor, it made me continuously want to go and start work on one of my two new sites. However, one major thing holding me back is the lack of a domain name, so I’ve decided to enlist the help of those here on Shyzer. One of the sites I am working on (and want to launch in the next week) is a site that not only walks people through all the freeipod offers out there, but gives people a place to discuss them on a message board. Kind of like a much more extended version of the post I made last year about getting a free ipod. But like I said, I was at a loss for a domain name, so Stan and I tossed a few ideas around. He came up with a pretty damn catchy slogan (which I am afraid of saying here. I don’t want anybody else registering it!) that I am almost positive I will purchase. But before I drop $25 on the domain names, I want to make sure there aren’t any others that perk my ears.

This is where you all come in. I am going to post this and hope you all can come up with a few catchy names. Remember, it’s for a site that is going to walk people through all the freebie offers out there, so something like getfreestuff.com would be great. There are just a few guidelines, though. A) It can’t be too long. I don’t want something like comehereforsomegreatfreeinfo.com or anything like that. I want it to be short and catchy. B) It has to be available. GetFreeStuff.com would be great, but sadly, somebody else ordered it. You know what? Don’t even worry about checking to see if they are available or not, I’ll handle that. You just comment with anything you might think would be great. And finally C) any catchy phrase or word will be considered. Even though, for instance, shyzer.com says nothing about a free info site, if I heard it, thought it was memorable enough, and saw it was free, I might buy it.

I’ll be explaining further just exactly why I’m making one of these sites, but trust me, I have high hopes for it. So if anybody can think help, I would appreciate it. If not, no worries, and I’ll go register Stan’s idea in the morning. Thanks everybody.

As promised, here is the first of my many assignments that are due in the next 7 days. I told you I wasn’t joking when I said I was determined to have some fun with these things.

Aboriginals and Education

As stated in the Title of this post, the Current Groin Grabbingly Count is 1. I hope to hit 5 by the time this is over.

It’s 0400 and I’m just getting to bed. Again. Somehow, I allowed my work to pile up to the point where one more assignment added on would effectively bring down my delicate balancing act of procrastination. On Wednesday, I have a 15 minute presentation due that I have stunningly been able to put off for two weeks due to my superb acting skills. You should have seen me last week, pretending I had no idea what was going on and that I was supposed to be presenting then. And what did I do with my one week extension? Exactly, not a damn thing.

Thursday calls for a 2,000 word essay in Aboriginal Studies. Friday demands for both a 2,500 word and 1,500 word essay in America is Evil and Australian History, respectively. And next Tuesday simply asks for a 2,000 word essay on Australian-Asian relations, as well as a 10 minute presentation in that class. And then we’re right back around to next Wednesday, where I must submit a 1,000 word essay on that damn presentation I first talked about where I’ve done not a damn thing.

It’s not the word count that bothers me. Honestly, I’ve yet to write anything less than a 2,000 word e-mail to Fellner since I’ve been here. Getting the words out is no problem, but getting the information is a bit trickier. I’ve read a grand total of 30 pages this semester. In all my classes. Combined. Looks like I’ll be spending some time in the library over the course of this week.

Oh yeah, I’m also completely building a brand new website as well as a branch of Shyzer that has grown into its bastard child from hell that won’t die let me finish building it. Plus there’s the mountains of posts I have half-written in my “Future Shyzer Posts” (current count: 12), which are the type of posts that I spent a week or two polishing up before throwing them up here.

I thought I wasn’t going to be working while I was over here?

Do you hear that folks? Listen closely. That’s right, it’s the soft, delicate, succulent, humming of the Internet and it’s emanating from my laptop. After a two and a half month hiatus from the Internet, I finally broke down and purchased a small ethernet-usb adaptor that allows the internet to flow through my laptop. I finally received it in the mail this past Tuesday and after spending a day catching up on things, I went straight to work on two projects I’ve been working on. One old (Shlyrics) and one new (to-be-named), but both of which should be completed and open to the viewing public by the end of this month.

This update, however, is not going to be some longwinded story about Bus Losers or Psychology AP. Oh no. I want to share something even more wonderful with the world, something that not only made me burst out laughing in the middle of the computer lab, but which caused me to loop it three more times, all the while still laughing like an idiot. I’m talking about The Goob Movie that was recently crafted by the one and only BostonBrat!!

I honestly don’t know what to say. That video, along with the two songs that Stan wrote about me, are probably the coolest / most creative things that anybody has every done for me through this wonderful contraption known as the Internet. I’d be lying if I said I don’t listen to Stan’s song’s often and I can assure you that The Goob Video has already gone into my rotation of funny clips I watch whenever I’m having a bad day.

When I first met Angela and Stan on KMB back in September ‘03, I remember thinking they were cool, they both already had established (okay, semi-established in Stan’s case) sites, and that was honestly it. As time went on, I began to associate Angela as person on the message board that could actually talk sports with me (guys and girls alike were idiots on that board) and Stan…well, Stan was the resident “I’ll say anything to piss you people off because you take everything so damn seriously” person. So you can see why I was drawn towards both.

For some asinine reason, I was made a moderator, which meant that of the 500 or so people who frequented the boards, I was one of the 6 or 7 that could tell them to shut the hell up and back it up by editing any post they made to say something along the lines of “boy, I love to kiss my own penis.” Times were good. So, naturally, I started to abuse my moderator powers to further the cause of my fellow mates. Any time Stan would become banned or flamed, I was there to back him up with my “authoritative” powers. The number of “private” moderator debates that were held on banning Stan was staggering. It seemed as if every day I was championing for Stanley behind the scenes, for he truly had a knack for pissing off Amy and Abesmom, two of the most anal-retentive moderators in the history of the Net. Of course, Stan was apt at pissing off all the other mods as well, especially Die Hard whenever he wasn’t sucking up to Mia in the hopes of one day Mia allowing him to…well…I’m sure you can fill in the blanks. Other “prominent” members such as gwenabee, ebony, hsoolien, green, and gir all began to call for Stan’s banishment forever. It seemed as if the only people person who agreed with my assessment of Stan’s hilarity was Angela, and for that reason alone I lobbied strong and hard for her to be granted moderator privileges. For I had visions in my head of her ascension to power, followed by our graceful and glorious destruction of the board from the inside. I envisioned us both, parading around the board late at night, toying with other people’s posts, and having our way with their words via our poetic licenses. Slowly, but surly, I felt we could bring down the house from the basement, all behind the guise of Stan doing the destruction from the front door.

Unfortunately, Krakkles beat us to it. In a fit of rage unmatched in my history of Internet usage, Krakkles decided that not only was the boards increasingly boring, but that it was up to him to use his mod privileges to stir things up a little. So he posted a very polite “SO LONG FUCKERS!” and went out in a blaze of glory by deleting everything in my way, leaving in his wake hundreds of pre-pubescent girls and an alarmingly high number of guys in their mid-thirties wondering what in the hell had just happened.

Within a year, KMB had completely lost every ounce of appeal it had ever once held. Every post seemed to be a variation of “OMG!!!!1 That’s sooooooo kewl! ROFLOL! Mktxbye!” So you can imagine the intellectual vacuum that was soon created when Stan, Angela, and myself decided to leave. Just subtracting our three selves from a message board of over 700 by this time resulted in the collective IQ dropping at least 40 points. And to think that I actually held one of the best debates of my life on that message board regarding the at the time soon-to-be war in Iraq. I even think I have that thing lying around here somewhere, but I digress.

So what happened next? Well, in all honesty, I expected that to be the end of our little threesome. With no message boards to frequent and us having not really known each other but for a year, I assumed our group was just another Internet faze that was destined to fadeout before the next season of Simpsons started airing. And that is when Dooglas opened DMB. Our prayers had been answered as a new message board was opened and *gasp,* I was once again handed moderator privileges. I still to this day have no idea why either of those two sites gave me mod powers, but I must thank them. Why? Because it was the only reason keeping me around the boards at all hours of the day and night. And had I not been constantly trolling KMB and DMB at night, Stoobela would never have been formed. Officially gaining our title in November ‘03, we went on an amazing blaze of post whoring. We conquered message board after message board, filling up not just one or two threads at a time, but 8 or 9. For hours at a time, we would dominate the landscape, laughing at any and everybody who tried to join us and pretend they were as funny as we were. Plans to travel to Boston for a real life meeting were made (I’m still waiting for the official word, you two!) and our conversations soon spread to IM and each other’s websites.

Merlin soon began taking dumps on each other’s monitors, Angela soon began consoling me through the rough Packers / Mariners seasons, and Stan decided that he would take up playing the guitar. Epic songs were written about each other, our post whoring continued to climb to the point where us three alone owned 75% of the messages on DMB, and Angela’s comments section was the first to break the story of JohnAle being arrested for having sex with a 15 year old!

I can’t tell you how surprised I was to realize that times were still, even over a year later, good. Sure, Angela would start to pull a Me and forget to update her site for a week and Stan would drop off the face of the earth for a week or two at a time, but in the end we always got back together. Back when I started frequenting message boards years ago (KMB being one of them), I never would have guessed that I would one day call one of its fellow members a true Friend. Well, thankfully, I didn’t have to make that guess, because I’ve found not just one, but two.

Stoobela, to this day, is still going strong. I still look forward to one day meeting these two fools in real life. I can’t wait to kick back and enjoy a cold one while watching a random episode of Simpsons with them. I can’t wait to see if they are as funny in real life as they are on the Internet. And when we do get together, you just know we’ll have to sit down in front of a computer together and surf some random message board, trolling around and making fun of people as we go. Because what is Stoobela without the laughter?

But until then, watch out folks. Because if you happen to know of a message board that needs to added spice, we’re your team. Just make sure you’re ready for us.