Shyzer.com

Before I came over here, I spent some time mulling over an important decision that I felt could make or break my entire experience. What name should I go by?

It’s a tricky conundrum if you actually think about it. My entire reasoning behind coming over here for a semester was to get away, experience something fresh and new, give college another go around if you will. So the question posed itself: Should I go by Goob?

Look, I’ve had the nickname for 9 years now and it’s had a fantastic run. As my trip grew closer and closer, I began to pull a Michael Jordan circa 1993 and wonder if it was time to hang ‘em up. 9 years is a pretty good stretch for a nickname, but there becomes a time when even the best of the best begin to falter and are moved aside for the young prospects to emerge. Since the entire reason I was coming to Aussie was to start over fresh, I wondered “why not introduce myself as Ryan and see if I can get a new nickname by the time I return stateside.”

Unlike Jordan, however, I didn’t take two years to realize that there was still plenty of juice left in the “Goob Tank.” As completely retarded as it may sound, there’s something special about being known as Goob. People love to say it for some reason unbeknownst to me. I introduced myself as Ryan for the first day or two and it didn’t feel natural. It kinda stumbled off my tongue, lingered in the air, and simply waited for the person who I just met to completely forget it. So I switched over to Goob and the results were almost instant. People who I have absolutely no recollection of meeting come up to me and say “Hey Gooooob! How’s it going mate?” The tingle I get when I step onto a bus heading into town and hear the entire back half go “GOOOOOB!” is incomparable to anything else I’ve ever felt. As you can see, everybody I meet remembers my name and hence we become friends just that much quicker.

On the flip side, however, I’ve yet to tell anybody of Shyzer. I accidentally let slip that I run a site, but only two people heard me and they didn’t press for any further info. If I had my way, I’d most certainly keep it a secret simply so I can say anything I want on here and not have to worry about the consequences. Most people here are pretty savvy with a computer though and I’m simply waiting for the day when somebody Googles “Goob” and realizes that the second site on the results page has a picture of my mug plastered on it. But until then, I’m runnin’ free over here.

One last thing. I scheduled two other posts to reveal themselves at noon Monday and noon Tuesday. Here’s to hoping MovableType will do what I tell it do this time around.

Before I start, I’ve begun sending out e-mails that I promised I would. If you didn’t get one, then you didn’t give me your e-mail address, so no bitching from your corner of the room. If you did give me your e-mail address and still didn’t get one, then let me know. And just a fair warning, you might from time to time find exact quotes from the e-mails here in a Shyzer post (like the AMERICA’S HONOUR! part) so don’t think you’re having deja vu or watching the Matrix reset itself or anything. Just me being lazy as normal.

A fellow Yank has loaned me his power converter until the one me mum sent me arrives, which translates into me being able to sit here and type until my heart’s content. Being able to power my laptop also equates to being able to power my iPod, thereby allowing me to flood my corridor with my wonderful taste in music! (It’s a corridor, not a hall. See, I’m picking up the lingo already) In related news, I don’t know if I’ll be able to maintain the whole “only one post a week” promise that I made earlier. I simply miss writing that much. It’s not even that I miss the Internet so much, it’s just the writing. I brought along a notebook with me and I’ve already filled countless pages with random sentences, paragraph, and entire posts that along the way I though “Hey, that’d be something good for Shyzer.” Now that I have my laptop back, I’m gonna start trying to pump out a few more posts a week. Maybe two or three because in all honesty, I have heaps of material to go on here. (You never hear “a lot”, “a bunch”, or “a ton”….it’s heaps. Look at me here, pretty soon I’m gonna be talking like Steve Irwin.) And of course, this change has “nothing” to do with the dwindling number of visitors Shyzer is receiving since I’m only updating here once a week. My ego is not involved in this decision whatsoever!

After about two weeks away from my computer and the net, I’m surprised at the things I miss and even more surprised at the things I don’t. For instance, I don’t miss AIM one bit. Not a single, miniscule, tinny bit. I can’t even count the hours days I’ve pissed away on that tool of the devil and now that I don’t have it, it’s quite refreshing. I don’t miss sitting around and aimlessly surfing the net to no avail. Sure, you can find some pretty interesting shit that way, but when you add up all the time you lose doing so, it just doesn’t seem worth it in the end. Besides, it’s really hard to meet people when you are in the computer lab surfing the Net all day long.

That being said, I do miss some things. There are some exceptionally well versed authors on this here In-tra-net and reading their ramblings always brought a certain level of joy to this here kid. Doc, Simmons, Dooce, USS Mariner, etc, etc. It’s rare to find a person on the Net who can string sentences together poetically, much less correctly. So when you go find them, you tend to hold on for dear life and refuse to let go. I’ve already gone back and read all their entries made since I left and have loved every minute of it. Screw the newspaper. Give me a daily paper with all my favorite bloggers newest posts and I’m set.

In fact, here’s an example of what I’m talking about. Remember how last week I posted a running log of my trip over here to Aussie? Well Simmons was doing the same thing virtually at the same time of his trip from LA to Denver. And he was able to come up with these gems that I only wish I had written:

Friday, 8 a.m. PST, Los Angeles: The Sports Gal drives me to LAX and starts the token “Fight on the way to the airport,” as required in Rule 43B in the “Code Of Females” guidebook.

8:45 a.m. — Thanks to a comedy of errors, I didn’t make my plane reservation until three days ago, which is relevant for three reasons. First, if my airline for the weekend was an NBA player, it would be Michael Olowokandi — bad reputation, perennial underachiever, but a strangely palatable option since it’s impossible to find a serviceable big man at a reasonable price. Everyone who flies this airline ends up feeling like Kevin McHale, the last NBA GM to sign Olowokandi, and someone who would DEFINITELY never do it again. For the purposes of this column, we’ll be referring to this weekend’s airline as Olowokandi Air.

Second, I’m flying to Vegas and catching a connection to Denver, with a scant 86-minute difference between flights, so I can’t afford any delays … and it’s pouring rain right now. And third, thanks to the passenger-friendly setup at the Olowokandi Air terminal, I’m currently standing outside — in the freezing rain, along with dozens of other passengers, with a guy blowing cigarette smoke in my face — waiting to pass through the metal detectors inside. I feel like I’m in an episode of “Fear Factor.”

9:35 a.m. — On the bright side, I just bought about 20 magazines and newspapers. Which reminds me, why do they sell porn mags in airports? Am I supposed to read Penthouse at the gate? Take it into the men’s room? Save it for the plane so I can read it next to some horrified lady? I never understood this.

10:40 a.m. — After wondering why my flight hasn’t pre-boarded yet, I notice other passengers screaming at the overwhelmed OA guy behind the counter. As it turns out, my plane took off at 10:30 — that’s right, took off — because there was a brief window with the weather conditions. Normally this would be great, except for the fact that A) I’m not on the plane; B) they told everyone we were leaving at 11:15; C) they left behind 15-20 passengers who paid for tickets and checked in; and D) I was sitting 15 feet away and never knew the plane was leaving. According to the weasel behind the desk, it was our fault for not hearing the announcement over a sound system that was so muffled, it sounded like Moses Malone was making the announcements. Has an airline ever used the “You were asking for it” defense before?

10:50 a.m. — It’s just starting to dawn on me that MY EFFING PLANE LEFT WITHOUT ME. I’m screaming louder than anyone right now; it’s like I turned into Stephen A. Simmons. If this was an episode of “Lost,” Jack and Locke would be handcuffing me to the wreckage of the plane until I calmed down.

11:15 a.m. — They’re putting us all on “standby” for the noon flight to Vegas … on a flight that’s already oversold. Can I get a complimentary full-body cavity search with that?

11:55 a.m. — Now the noon flight is “delayed for an hour at least.” Worried about missing my connecting flight — putting the Shaq game in jeopardy — as well as turning into Tom Hanks in that “Terminal” movie, I head over with a few others to Southwest Airlines, which has a noon flight to Vegas with room. Total cost? $108.57. Within five minutes, I’m sitting on the plane. That was easy. Really, is it that hard to run an airline?

12:25 p.m. — You won’t find a happier group of people than the ones on a Southwest Airlines flight from L.A. to Vegas — no first class, no egos, sit where you want, everyone itching to gamble, even applause after the landing. My favorite thing about Southwest? How they always have those sarcastic stewardesses in their 50s with Southern accents, the ones that remain strangely sexy because they all look like they joined the Mile High Club with Burt Reynolds back in 1975. Good times all around.

1:15 p.m. — Well, until the landing. We just skidded for about four miles. I think we’re in Reno.

1:30 p.m. — As everyone heads off to clean the puke off their shirts, I head over to Olowokandi Air and learn…”

See what I mean?

Other than reading my favorite writers, I miss Shyzer itself. I miss talking with all the readers who come here, updating all the sub pages and working on Shlyrics (which never did get finished. I guess I have to try and find a way to work on it from here. Haha Fellner, you have to wait even longer for it!)

But you know what? My daily hour limit is up.

First off, I got on AIM today for about 20 minutes and I think about 70% of the IMs sent to me were blocked for some reason. So to anybody I ignored or never even responded to, it wasn’t at all intentional.

Well, here it is. I promised that I would keep a running log of my trip over here and this is what I came up with. Kinda long, but Jesus H Christ was the trip over here long! Oh, what am I talking about, it only took 42 hours from start to finish. I’ve always wanted to kind of do one of these full day, running blog type entries and I figured that this was probably my best chance to do so.

But before I get to that, I just wanted to say that so far I’m having a blast. I’ll be honest, the first few days (and even today for that matter) were a little weird. Knowing nobody, barely knowing those people that you just met, not having any earthly idea what to expect. But with each passing day it gets a little easier and little funner. ( I know that’s not a word, but I think it should be.) Classes start this Monday, which should make things a lot more interesting and I’m trying out for the baseball team this Sunday. Who the hell knows how good their team is. Hopefully they suck so I can make it =) But all in all, I’m enjoying myself immensely and I just hope it gets better and better.

But here’s the log.

Saturday
07:00 - Oh crap, I have yet to shower. Sleep you ask? HAHAHA
07:40 - Showered, shaved, packed the car, and ready to go.
08:10 - Give a few hugs and head out in the car with my dad.
08:45 - Looks like we got here a little early. Eh, can’t hurt.
08:50 - Check in and get rid of these two gigantor bags holding all my possessions. If United loses them, so help me God
08:56 - For the second time in my life, the security agent looks through my bag and finds a weapon. Guess I forgot to unpack me knife. The first incident occurred when I was 8 and they took away my toy ray gun. I never saw that thing again.
09:05 - Dad comes back to the airport and picks up the knife for me. I really liked that knife. I wasn’t about to let it go the way of my ray gun.
09:10 - Successfully make it through security. The old ladies enjoyed making fun of me for my mistake.
09:16 - I’m already bored.
10:04 - Called to the ticket counter for my boarding pass. So far the itinerary is on track!
10:05 - The lady beside me is talking on her cell phone very loudly. About how heavy her period is!
10:10 - Thank God, we’re boarding.
10:13 - Yeah, I can’t move in this sardine can!
10:30 - Wheels up.
10:31 - Jesus Christ!
10:32 - Seriously, what the hell.
10:33 - JESUS CHRIST!
10:34 - OMFG WE ARE GOING TO FUCKING CRASH IF YOU DON’T STOP SHAKING THE DAMN PLANE!
10:35 - Better, but that was still by far the bumpiest takeoff out of GSP in the history of all takeoffs.
10:40 - Zzzzz.
11:30 - JESUS CHRIST ROUND II!!!
11:35 - What the Hell did I do to piss you off God? There has never been this much turbulence from GSP to IAD.
11:40 - Wheels down.
11:50 - As I’m exiting the plane, I see the pilot. I swear to God, if he was a day older than me, I will pay each and every reader of Shyzer $100. For the past hour, my life was in the hands of some kid who cannot fly through turbulence worth a crap.
11:55 - Get on the “people herder” to take me to the other terminal.
11:56 - There’s an airline called Ethiopian Air. Uhhh, no thanks.
12:01 - Receive phone call from guy interested in my apartment. Fingers crossed, he’ll take the place. He sounded pretty cool to boot.
12:48 - Just got off the phone after possibly the weirdest, most random 26-minute conversation with Jules. Just the way I like it.
13:02 - Hear on CNN that Howard Dean was elected to become the new DNP chairman. Thank God. That man should be our President right now, but I digress.
13:14 - No seriously, I’m bored and tired.
13:39 - My mom was supposed to meet me here in the airport for lunch 39 minutes ago. She’s just now leaving the house, an hour away. I called her to see where she was and the first thing she said was “I’m on my way, but I have bigger news. The 5:00 flight was cancelled, so now you’re screwed! Good luck!” Itinerary’s approximate lifespan: only 5 hours. Well this trip finally just got a little interesting.
13:40 - I love these new CNN commercials. I just saw the one with Wolf Blitzer. Great stuff. See, whoever came up with those would avoid the “Death Button.”
13:41 - VICTORY IS MINE! Just saw that commercial too.
15:11 - Apparently I fell asleep because I was just awoken by my mom laughing at the sight of me sprawled out in the airport sleeping.
15:19 - We run into a friend of my mom’s named Stacy, who is a ticket agent. He shows us that my 22nd birthday last week bumped me from an 8A rank to an 8B. Translation for all you non-frequent fliers out there is that I now went from 3rd on the Space Available List to 19th. I shit you not.
15:31 - Okay, here’s the plan. I try for IAD-LAX. If I don’t make it, I go to BOS, spend the night there, fly BOS-SFX-SYD and then get my luggage sent from LAX to meet me.
15:55 - Mom and I depart, hopefully for the last time for the next few months (I’m not being mean, I just don’t want to have to see her in Boston, because that would mean I didn’t get to this flight!)
16:20 - Due to my unexpected demotion in rank, I doubt I’ll make this flight. Damn it.
16:24 - Stacy calls the ticket agent working the LAX gate and guess what… THEY’RE BEST FRIENDS! Suddenly, I’ve gone from no seat to seat 8D, which is Economy Plus. Wow. Thank the Lords of Cobol.
16:40 - My seat is not only an aisle seat, but it has no seats in front of it and has as much legroom as I could ever use.
16:50 - Wheels up.
17:00 - Zzzzzz.
18:53 - Woken up for dinner. Normally I just pick at these things, this time I devour it.
19:04 - I wish something funny or interesting would happen so I could put it in here. So far, I got nothing.
19:34 - I just checked the Hemisphere magazine to see what movie is showing on the way to Sydney. They’re showing three. Just how damn long is that flight?!
19:35 - Start writing by hand a post for Shyzer.
19:46 - Have to stop writing because my hand gets tired. Wow, my “in class essay speed writing without cramping my hand” skill has seriously deteriorated.
21:04 - This NBC in-flight crap really sucks. I mean, really sucks.
21:05 - How much longer is this freaking flight?!
21:10 - There’s a young lady sitting next to me that keep bending over to mess around with her bag and/or shoes and every time she does, her thong practically rides up to shoulder blades. I’m not complaining though.
21:23 - 45 minutes until we’re there……….
22:10 - Wheels flippin’ down.
22:37 - Okay, I made it over to the International Gates, found the Sydney ones, and decided that the line was too damn long to stand in. I’ll wait a few minutes.
22:59 - I’m told no SA’s are being taken because of weight restrictions. I don’t trust the ticket agent, so I go to another one.
23:15 - I might have a seat on this plane…but wait…
23:20 - I have a problem with my VISA! Of course! In fact, I expect nothing less from myself! However, this Aussie chick is not only extremely nice to me, but she calls Australia and tells them to fix the problem for me. Then she and I make fun of her American counterparts who totally blew me and my problem off!
23:30 - VISA problems cleared. Apparently I put the wrong birth date for myself on the application. Whoops.
23:40 - There’s only 1 seat left with 9 people ahead of me. Wonder-fucking-ful!
23:44 - Oh you’ve got to be shitting me. That was such a mean trick. I SOMEHOW GOT THE SEAT! Everybody in front of me turned it down because they wither had more than one person in their party or they had left!
23:46 - I’m in BUSINESS CLASS! The seats are like freaking palaces!
24:15 - Wheels up!

Sunday

02:20 - Ladder 49 is by far the best movie I’ve ever seen during a flight. I’m on the verge of bawling here.
02:21 - Oh yeah, they just served me fresh salmon that was some of the best I’ve ever had. And it was the appetizer! Oh how I love business class =) The chicken dinner was delicious and the cake? Heavenly.
02:29 - I feel like royalty up here.
11:36 - Just woke up from my sleep. Did I mention the seats up here recline all the way into beds?! Yeah, that’s a nice touch.
11:40 - God, I’m almost here.
12:15 - Breakfast of fruit, Danish, and um, something else that I forgot to write down.
13:16 - I’m watching the sun rise over the ocean. I’m already loving this country.
13:56 - Okay, when you are flying internationally and in Business class, each seat has their own TV. One of the channels is a map of the flight you are on and it tells you the speed you are traveling, etc. I was just looking at the map and the name of the city south of Sydney is Wollongong. I laughed for 10 minutes after seeing that.
14:08 - Almost there…
14:17 - The view is beautiful.
14:19 - Wheels down.
14:20 - That was the smoothest landing in the history of aviation landings. The pilot needs to go teach that kid who flew me to D.C. a thing or two.
14:21 - I now set my watch forward 16 hours =)
14:33 - I always let everybody else get off the plane before myself. It’s habit. In doing so on this flight, I got plenty of “It must have been nice sitting up here” looks. It was hilarious.
14:41 - I realize its Monday here. What the hell happened to my Sunday?!

Okay, I could just make up some times to go with the stuff I’m about to type, but I’ll be honest. I put away my notebook and stopped noting the times because it got really hard for me to lug all my luggage and whatnot around. So, instead I’ll type everything that happened here and let you read it like a normal post. Like I said, I got in around 14:40 and proceeded to go through Customs, or the Australian version thereof. After about a 40 minute wait, I made it through alright and walked into the baggage area to claim my bags. The only problem was that after about another 40 minutes, I realized they weren’t there. I found an agent and made a lost baggage claim and realized I had no idea what to do. I sat down for a few minutes to think and remembered that there was supposed to be another flight leaving LA for Sydney two hours after my flight. Since I got the very last seat on my flight and boarded practically as they closed the door, I realized that my luggage probably hadn’t been placed on since they saw I was 9th on the list and assumed that I wouldn’t make the flight. I crossed my fingers and prayed that they threw my luggage on the next flight once they saw that I had actually made the first one and decided to wait around the airport for the next flight to land. My flight had landed around 0600 Zulu (local) time and so I reasoned that the next flight would land at 0800. Add another hour for my luggage to not be claimed in the baggage area and another hour for it to make its way to United’s. So, I waited around for a few hours and at 10:00 I went up to the offices and viola, there were my bags. I loaded them up on a luggage cart and made my way down to the train station. I bought a ticket, grabbed a map, and went to wait. That’s where I realized just how heavy my bags were. I was about to have to lug these puppies by myself and let’s just say this. Today, a full 4 days later, my shoulders are still bruised and sore. So there’s a lesson for you all. And honestly, my room is bare and practically empty since I didn’t bring that much. Clothes just weigh a lot I guess.

Anyway, I boarded the train and made my way to Sydney Central, where I was going to have to get off and board another train to Newcastle. I got off, went to the Destination Screen, and saw this message next to Newcastle “Ask Station Attendant.” I found an employee wearing a blue shirt, asked him which train was going to Newcastle, and boarded the train on platform 8. I drug my entire luggage onboard, found a seat near the front, and passed out. The time was about 11:00 local. About 20 minutes later I awoke and just sat up for the view. That’s when I noticed I was the only person on the train. I looked at the name of the next station we passed and then looked at my map.

I was headed South.

I had no idea what to do, I was fairly exhausted, and so I just sat back and decided to get off at the next station it stopped at. By 11:45, we had yet to stop and I was getting worried. The train finally slowed around noon and I looked out to see “MAITSLAND TRAIN YARD” Oh great. I grew up with siblings who watched Thomas the Tank Engine and I knew what trains did in the train yard. They just sat there, going nowhere. Once the train stopped, I pulled out some food, had a little snack, and decided it was time to go find somebody. I found a door I could open, jumped out, and walked up to a group of extremely shocked workers who had just watched me dismount a supposedly empty train. I explained what happened, they all laughed, and two of them put their arms around me, led me back to the train, and told me that I was in luck. It was just here for refueling and they would be taking it back to Sydney in just a minute. I climbed back on board and when they did so as well, they invited me up front to sit in the conductor’s car for the ride back. I gladly accepted, if not just for the company, and we were off. Turns out one of them was a huge Cleveland Indians fan (I didn’t hold it against him). The view, being able to watch from up instead of looking sideways out a window, was amazing. We finally made it back to Sydney, the Indians guy personally escorted me to the correct train while making fun of all the blue-shirted employees that worked there since in his words they were all idiots, and I was off. It was close to 13:00 by this point and the train finally left at 13:16. I climbed onboard, found a seat, and looked out the window for the next three hours.

To make a long story a little bit shorter, I had no idea what station to get off at. I ended up riding the line until it ended, calling Newcastle, and riding it back towards Sydney for 10 minutes before getting off at the correct stop, Warabock. When I got off, I had no idea which direction to go in and trust me, once I take some pictures, you’ll understand. It looked like I was in the middle of nowhere. I went up to some other kids my age who were waiting for a train, asked for some directions, and they all pointed me in the right direction. I gathered my bags, rode the “lift” up, and began the 10 minute trek to campus. My bags were so heavy that I could only really travel 50 yards or so before stopping and after about 20 minutes, I was exhausted. It was already 17:00 and I knew that the school was closing up and that I had to get there as soon as possible. Enter my knight in shining armor, the Newcastle Security Car. He saw me struggling, pulled over, introduced himself as Edward, and offered to drive me into campus. Edward was freaking awesome, not only for his kindness, but for his story of Italy that I will have to share in a future post. He drove me around campus to all the buildings I needed to go to and sign in at and after making the stops, he dropped me off in front of my dorm and made sure there was somebody there to check me in. I went in, filled out the forms given to me by the “night” clerk, thanked Edward for his help, and made my way to my dorm room.

And so, at 17:30, 01:30 EST, I walked into my dorm room and smiled. I had finally made it.

I’ll try and upload my next post fairly soon (within a few days). I’ll stick to first impressions and whatnot with it. Until then!

After a 42 hour journey, I’m arrived about 24 hours ago.

AND I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no Internet connection, so give me a week or so to upload a real post.

First off, thank you all for the positive IMs, comments, and e-mails not only on the Shyzer Shuffle, but Shyzer itself. It’s what keeps me going.

If you’re a friend of mine and have yet to IM me your e-mail address, then do so now. Place it either in the comments section or the tag-board over there. I figured the best way to keep in touch with family and friends was through mass e-mails every now and then, so don’t complain if you don’t give me your address! Also, Angela, Ally, Angel (way too many A’s there), Jaime and Stan - I’ve added y’all to my contact list even though I’ve yet to meet any of you. I consider y’all friends =) I used the e-mail addresses you all have given Shyzer when commenting, so if they are junk ones or you don’t want periodic e-mails from me, let me know.

Yesterday, I received the following IM’s from Stan:

Stan: Hey before you leave the country get a hold of me. After watching your video I was inspired to write you a going away song. I’ll get it done and recorded ASAP

Stan: Ok sir. As your birthday present and as your going away present, thus killing two birds with one stone. I present to you the new Goob song. I call it. “Goob, You Bastard.” Enjoy!

The second IM actually said “present to you the knew Goob song,” but I went ahead and proofread / edited it for him =) Anyway, the song was so kickass, that I decided to upload it for all to hear. But first, I remembered that last year he wrote a song late one night as well after one of our Stoobela meetings. I dug through my Music folder and found “The Goob Song.” Upon listening to it again, I felt that it too should be uploaded to Shyzer. So here are both. The Goob Song and Goob, You Bastard.

Now, try and guess what the following is:

That’s my supposed itinerary, but since I always fly standby, who knows how I’ll ultimately get there. I’ve always enjoyed flying standby though. It makes the trip interesting. It’s like high stakes musical chairs. I’ve been in Seattle and actually gone Seattle -> Denver -> Chicago -> Phily -> Charlotte before. It’s fun to me running around an airport, finding a nice ticket agent, listing yourself for every single flight leaving in the next hour, and then running around between four gates trying to guage which flight you’ll actually make it on. I view it as practice for when I finally am accepted on The Amazing Race. During my trip this weekend, I’m gonna try and keep a running log of it, kinda like how Dave did for an M’s game last year and how Bill Simmons does for ESPN every now and then. No telling how long I keep up with it, but I figure it’s worth a shot and that way I’ll have something to post right when I get there.

Anyways, I’m off to make a list of things that need to be accomplished tomorrow, throw in my last load of laundry, and countdown the seconds until Chapter 6 of “My Goob is Bigger Than Yours” begins!

It looks like Shyzer has its first ever, very own, self-produced video. It runs about 1+ minutes and it is of myself, Waynus, and Clayster doing our dance that was actually renamed during filming to the Shyzer Shuffle. (you even get to see the thought process that leads to me saying “Shyzer shuffle….hey, I like that!”) It’s basically a variation of The Twist. All you do is twist faster and further to the point where it looks like you are retarded and makes your muscles cramp up within a few seconds. We all love it, mainly because it’s ours. I’m gonna tweak the video a bit tonight (basically brighten it up) but I thought why not just go ahead and throw it up here for all to see now before perfecting it.

As I was working on the film, I realized something else. Unless you have ever met me in real life, I don’t think Shyzer readers have ever heard my voice. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think I’ve ever uploaded a sound clip of myself talking and therefore, everybody is now able to hear how I talk. I’d like to add that my voice is actually deeper in real life. Anyway, here’s the clip (please right click and “save as”)

If the film doesn’t run on your computer, please let me know and tell me the error it gives you. I know I’m completely jinxing it by saying this, but I think I have it so that anybody should be able to view it. If it gives you a codec error, it means you haven’t been keeping your computer up to date…shame on you!…so you will have to go out and download the newest codec, which is only a Shyzer search away if you use the search function over there. I included a link to the latest codec in a post last month, so go dig that up and have a look.

And please, let me know what you think. If I even get one “hahaha, that was great” comment, there will be plenty more to come.

ONE LAST THING. I call my mom “mother” in the clip. I think the last time I called her that, I was 15 and trying to impersonate a stuck up snob. I have no idea why I called her mother in this clip.

Just a quick update until later tonight. I found a way to convert my 350mb home videos into an 8mb file without losing hardly any of the sound or video quality, so I cannot wait to get all of these converted and uploaded to Shyzer. If I don’t do it by the morning, you can shoot me.

The artist section of shlyrics is complete! Now all I have to do is stick the meanings section on them and then open it to the public. You may be wondering what’s taking me so long, but when you see the size of this thing (about 110 pages or so), you’ll realize that it’s about 8 times larger than all of the current Shyzer.

And most importantly, my all-time favorite Internet Flash video (Magical Trevor!!!) has a SEQUEL!!!! Magical Trevor 2!!!! Here’s the lyrics for those who can’t understand it.

“He’s back and he’s got a new trick,
Magical Trevor is ten times as slick,

Look at the mess in aisle two.
Aisle two, that’s the place where we saw the Ragu
There’s so much…”

Fellner gave me a great idea on a way to combine Magical Trevor and my new home video editing / acting skills. I’m gonna work on it tonight and if it turns out to be even remotely funny, I’ll upload it. But I’m already giggling just sitting here thinking about it, so I’m guessing this will be a go.

I’ve just spent the past four hours and about fifteen hours in the past month trying to get these home videos I shot onto my computer. I have a program that will record them over, so I gave it a whirl. I transferred a 2 minute video clip and it was 350 MB. Not cool. Plus, both the sound and video was extremely choppy, to the point where it’s unviewable. I’m currently downloading another program to see if that will work any better, but let’s just say for now I’m a bit annoyed.

Anyways, recently I’ve run into a handful of sites that have instantly gone on my “daily reads” list or in my “Random” bookmark folder for later usage. Here’s a few of the best I’ve found in 2005.

Dooce.com - Apparently Dooce has been around for a while now. Since 2001 to be exact. The name became famous across the net in 2002 when Heather, the chick who runs Dooce, was fired from her job over things she had been writing on her blog. Dooce instantly became synonymous for “losing one’s job due to their blog” and ever since then, her site’s been huge. My favorite part of the whole site is how “God” comments on every daily picture. Sometimes he’s out smiting people, so he has his secretaries or interns check in for him. Heather and I couldn’t be more different though. In her words, “I’m a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM) or a Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker. I do both equally well” who lives in Utah and is married. Yet even though we have nothing in common, she writes in a way that is quite refreshing. Plus, it’s fun to see that I’m not the only person who has such a comfortable relationship with my parents that I can tell them to “suck it.”

Angela turned me onto ObliviousMind the other day and it was an instant hit. Her blog teeters on the balance of just recapping her days (something I looooooooathe for a general blog) but she adds a bit of emotion and storytelling into it that keeps it fresh. Worth the read.

You might have heard about this on the news a few days ago, but if you didn’t see the video clip and the interview, this is a must. Last week, a college basketball player sunk a full court shot with 0.6 seconds left on the clock. But that’s not even the amazing part. The next day, he was interviewed by WFMY and during the interview, he was given 16 basketballs and was asked to see if he could sink the exact same shot again. Guess what happened on the 11th shot. Both of the videos can be found on the site linked earlier.

I’m a huge fan of good commercials. I would give anything to be able to create a button called the “Die a painful death” button as well. See, the whole idea behind the button would be that whenever a horrible, gut wrenching awful commercial comes on, I could push the button and every single person who worked on creating the commercial and stared in the commercial would die a painful death. However, this VW commercial would succeed in halting my finger from pushing the button. In fact, I love it so much, I ripped the music from it. If interested, please download it from me right here.

Moving on, I have a new alternative to Mapquest that has yet to lead me astray. It’s called Maps24 and it seems to be the best competitor to crappy MQ. I’ll still never forgive them for telling me to get on a highway that didn’t exist on my way to Baltimore or for making me pull out my own map in the middle of West Virginia to find my own damn route. The zoom-in feature on Maps24 is light-years ahead of MQ and I’ve used it a few times so far without any qualms.

And finally, I found a neat video file that attempts to predict the future of news. It’s called Epic 2014 and it tells the tale of bloggers and Google taking over the likes of print media. Of course, it’s a bit far fetched, but the concept is still plausible, especially after seeing how blogs had such a huge impact on this past Presidential Election, not to mention the countless news stories that have been proven false by bloggers.

Okay, back to working on Shlyrics. Did I mention I’m going to be living in Australia by this weekend? Just thought I’d let everybody know in case they’ve been living in a cave lately.

First off, I would like to register my extreme disappointment with MovableType. It supposedly has a feature where I can type and upload a post and categorize it as “future.” I then enter in the time and date and when that rolls around, the post will automatically become public. There was supposed to be a post uploaded Friday morning and then another uploaded this morning. As you can see, neither uploaded. So I’m going to trash the one that was to run today, replace it with this one, and run the Friday one tomorrow. Piece of crap MT…

I’m now back home and prepared for my trip. My apartment in Columbia is cleared out and all my stuff is packed up and ready to go. God I’m so nervous / excited. I spent Friday night here at the house with my dad, his girlfriend, and my brother just hanging out and telling old stories of crap we pulled in our younger days that always bring a smile, no matter what. Waynus and I stayed up until 0300 (yes, I’m forcing myself to get in the habit of using military time.) before getting up at 0500 to go to the Flea Market. The only reason I tell you of this is because we managed to shoot some decent footage of ourselves acting like complete assholes / 12-year-olds, so if I can ever figure out how to get my computer to recognize my camcorder, I’ll upload them to Shyzer. Chong happened to be back in town for one final week of training, so of course I went out with him and all his friends from work to Greenville. Much fun was had, even more beer was consumed, and I somehow managed to drive back to his house before crashing on his couch. A very fine sendoff with my bro if I do say so myself.

The Goob Experience also ended this afternoon. In case you’re too lazy to click the link, I’ll let you know how the bidding turned out:

Un-fucking-believable doesn’t even begin to describe that. At the start of the auction, I told many people that if it sold for $10, I’d be happy. Well, right now, I am 11.250 times as happy as I would have been. I called Waynus right before the auction ended today and we watched it go from $50 to $112.50 in a matter of minutes. I wish I had written down some of the quotes from that conversation so that I could add them to the ones below, but rest assured that “Holy fuck” was uttered many times. I had no idea who mighty320 or mystericbidder was, but I knew that I would at least be able to learn the identity of mystericbidder. Oh how very wrong I was. But first, here are some of my favorite quotes that I had enough sense to write down after they were said so that I could put them here on Shyzer

“He only bid $21?! What a pussy! Who the fuck!?” - Fellner, commenting on Boston Matt raising the bid by one dollar at a time.

“I am hoping someone will buy it for valentines day…..for me” - Different Andy, not the one who bid on the experience.

“This guy must have a tiny dick. I mean, if you were that scared to bid against me, we are talking minuscule penis action.” - Fellner, talking about Boston Matt, but before we knew it was him.

“WELL, now we’re really throwing our hat in the game. Now we’re really shaking it up, making it interesting with a big $23.50″ - Fellner, and I bet you can guess who he’s talking about.

“I might have to dip into my savings. My kids won’t be able to go to college because I bid too much on the Goob Experience. I’ll have to get some money wired to me from Switzerland.” - Still Fellner, although this was by far the most sarcastic I’ve ever heard him talk and I was rolling.

“I want to know who the fuck this person is. Now.” - Fellner upon learning he’d lost the bidding war.

“Jesus christ man, $112.50. I’m gonna sell my fucking soul on ebay” - Dave

“That is at least 2 hookers, maybe 3 if you get grungy female extras from the first mad max” - Andy, the one who bid $10.

“I feel like I haven’t earned it. No, I actually feel like I’m being taunted by this person. I want to know who it is!” - Fellner, upon learning the experience had been donated to him.

If you read the caption after that last quote correctly, then you’re probably sitting there going, “Donated to Fellner? Huh?” Well, when I received the e-bay form saying the auction had been sold, alarms immediately went off when I saw the address was 123 Main Street, New York, NY 10108. I quickly contacted the buyer and began drafting an e-mail to e-bay to complain when I got another e-mail. Mystericbidder had already sent the money to my Paypal account. Stunned, I went ahead and transferred the funds to my bank account and within a few minutes, I received an e-mail from the winner. They sent me they AIM name (which was something like Mystery9798750890987647 or whatever) and we began to talk. They asked to remain anonymous and said that they wanted to go ahead and invoke Item #11, which was the potpourri section. I asked what they wanted and they replied with “I would like you to donate every item to that roebuckrunner fellow, except for Item #3 (the pizza breadstick recipe). I’m interested to see what that tastes like.” I asked why they wanted to do this and they told me that it was a reward for his valiant bidding efforts. They said they love e-bay simply for the thrill of the last minute bidding and thought that my auction was so funny, they felt like bidding.

So, as it turns out, Fellner “won” the experience, even if he doesn’t feel like he earned it. In fact, he thinks I’m the one behind this, but I can assure you that I have no role in this whatsoever. I was paid, I had the conversation, and I was asked to make sure they remained anonymous. Craziness if you ask me. So, if you feel inclined to wish me a happy birthday today, please make sure you send the same message to Fellner. His AIM name is USCFellner or if you don’t have IM, you can do so here in the comments. But either way, all Happy Birthday requests need to make their way to him one way or the other!

I am now off to try and get this camcorder to download its files onto my computer, work on Shlyrics, and give the “cast” section a much needed update before heading overseas.

Oh, and Jaime, thank you again. Thank you so, so, so, so, so very much. That was awesome of you.

I’ve recently run into a handful of sites that have instantly gone on my “daily reads” list or in my “Random” bookmark folder for later usage. Here’s a few of the best I’ve found in 2005.

Dooce.com - Apparently Dooce has been around for a while now. Since 2001 to be exact. The name became famous across the net in 2002 when Heather, the chick who runs Dooce, was fired from her job over things she had been writing on her blog. Dooce instantly became synonymous for “losing one’s job due to their blog” and ever since then, her site’s been huge. My favorite part of the whole site is how “God” comments on every daily picture. Sometimes he’s out smiting people, so he has his secretaries or interns check in for him. Heather and I couldn’t be more different though. In her words, “I’m a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM) or a Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker. I do both equally well” who lives in Utah and is married. Yet even though we have nothing in common, she writes in a way that is quite refreshing. Plus, it’s fun to see that I’m not the only person who will tells his parents to “suck it”

Angela turned me onto ObliviousMind the other day and it was an instant hit. Her blog teeters on the balance of just recapping her days (something I looooooooathe) but she adds a bit of emotion and storytelling into it that keeps it fresh. Worth the read.

Moving on, I have a new alternative to Mapquest that has yet to lead me astray. It’s called Maps24 and it seems to be the best competitor to crappy MQ. I’ll still never forgive them for telling me to get on a highway that didn’t exist on my way to Baltimore or for making me pull out my own map in the middle of West Virginia to find my own damn route. The zoom-in feature on Maps24 is light-years ahead of MQ and I’ve used it a few times so far without any qualms.

And finally, I found a neat video file that attempts to predict the future of news. It’s called Epic 2014 and it tells the tale of bloggers and Google taking over the likes of print media. Of course, it’s a bit far fetched, but the idea is still plausible, especially after seeing how blogs had such a huge impact on this past Presidential Election, not to mention the countless news stories that have been proven false by bloggers.

Okay, back to packing up my things. Did I mention I’m going to be living in Australia within a week? Just thought I’d let everybody know in case they’ve been living in a cave lately.