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I wish I could say I was ready to go back to school. It’s not that I’m not ready to go back, but instead it’s more of the fact that I doubt going back to school will change anything. These past few weeks, and especially days, have just outright blown and they forced me to do a few things I wasn’t even sure I wanted to do.

I’ve finally completed the process of whittling down my possessions to the bare minimum. I have a few boxes of keepsake items in my dad’s attic, but for the majority of everything else, I either sold, threw away, donated to Good Will, or burned, which means that I now have the capability to pack up everything I own in my truck and take it with me to wherever I please in just one trip.

The finale of 2004 will bring with it the ending of my chapters in South Carolina. I know I’ve always swore I would leave this place once I graduated, but it wasn’t until recently that I figured out where I would go and what I might do. Well lately I’ve put those two questions to rest, but who knew such an epiphany could be this nerve wracking?

I’m keeping my future close to me for the next few months. Not until everything is finalized legally will I be talking about it on Shyzer, but rest assured, as soon as I’m prepared to talk about it, I’ll post about it. Wish me luck.

So long Edgar Martinez.

I first began following the Mariners back in 1992. The likes of their roster back then included players such as Edgar, Omar Vizquel, Ken Griffey Jr, Jay Buhner, Tino Martinez, Mike Blowers, and Harold Reynolds. Over the years, every single player from that team’s roster was released, traded, or retired. Except for Edgar.

Edgar was the staple that recent Mariners fans were used to seeing. Since joining the team in 1986, he’s never played for a single other team. He’s been a member of a rare and elite bred along with the likes of Tony Gwynn, Cal Ripken Jr., and Barry Larkin. He’s not once tried to place money ahead of loyalty, he not once tried to hold the team ransom for a pay raise, and he’s not once ever passed on the opportunity to help out the community and those around him. Instead, he showed up to work every day, usually before the required time, worked as hard as any player there, and returned home to spend the rest of his evenings with his wife and children. His career numbers ranks him as the best DH to ever play the game, having racked up a career batting average of .312, 2,205 hits, 510 doubles, 1,244 RBIs, 1,272 walks, 1,203 runs, 305 home runs, and a .420 on-base percentage. So you can see the Edgar wasn’t just a fan favorite. He was a perennial All-Star player who year in and year our lifted the Mariners onto his back and carried them as far as he could.

If you ask any Mariners fan of their favorite baseball moment, you’re likely to hear Game 5 of the 1995 Divisional Playoffs. It was the first year Seattle had ever made the playoffs in their entire team’s history and in the best of 5 series; they were pitted against the dreaded New York Yankees. In what seemed like a flash, the Mariners lost the first two games and found themselves in an 0-2 hole. They fervently and valiantly fought their way back, winning the next game and staying alive for another day. In Game 4, the Mariners found themselves down 0-5 and were on the verge of elimination…that is, until Edgar Martinez pulled the proverbial rabbit out of his hat and drove in 6 runs to give the Mariners the win. But even that wasn’t enough, as they had only forced the decisive game 5 to be played on Seattle’s home turf…..

No postseason series ever meant more to a franchise than the five-game division set between the Mariners and Yankees in 1995 did to Seattle. Imagining what the Mariners would be like today had they not played that series is like imagining the history of baseball had Babe Ruth and Ted Williams decided to become carpenters. The Mariners had lost $20 million dollars the previous year. Just before the regular season ended, the public voted down a stadium proposal.

But Edgar Martinez was at the heart and core of that series; for you see, in game 5, Edgar not only won the game, but he saved baseball in Seattle.

The two teams traded shots back and forth during Game 5 and by the sixth inning, the game was tied at 2-2. As the Yankees were batting, Don Mattingly delivered a bases-loaded double that cashed in a pair. With one out in the eighth and a 4-2 lead, Yankee’s pitching David Cone was cruising until he left a pitch over the plate for Ken Griffey Jr., who blasted his fifth homer of the series and reignited the Seattle crowd. With two outs, the bases loaded and Mariano Rivera warmed and ready in the bullpen, Yankees manager Buck Showalter committed the timeless “just one more batter” sin with Cone. Pinch-hitter Doug Strange drew a walk, and trotting home with the tying run was a relatively obscure pinch-runner named Alex Rodriguez. Rivera entered and blew away Mike Blowers to stop the bleeding and keep the game tied a 4-4.

In the top of the ninth, Norm Charlton gave up a double followed by a walk, which meant that Lou Piniella could wait no longer: In came Randy Johnson, to the roar of the Seattle faithful. Johnson would be awarded the Cy Young after the season, thanks to his 18-2 record, 2.48 ERA and 294 strikeouts in a strike-shortened season that likely cost him five starts. That was the upside; the downside was that Johnson had worked seven innings in a tough Game 3 battle less than 48 hours earlier. No fatigue was immediately evident, as Johnson whiffed Wade Boggs before getting O’Neill and Bernie Williams to pop up.

In the bottom of the ninth, Rivera gave up a leadoff single to Vince Coleman, who was promptly bunted over to second by Joey Cora. Yankee’s manager Buck Showalter wisely put Griffey on, and signaled the bullpen for the Yankees’ ace, Jack McDowell, who had faced Randy Johnson in Game 3. Black Jack fanned Edgar Martinez and thought that was the last time the Yankees would have to see Edgar and his .571 seies batting average. Oh how mistaken he was.

The teams swapped tenth-inning goose eggs, setting the stage for one of the most dramatic eleventh innings in baseball history. In the visitor’s half, Johnson committed the cardinal sin of walking the leadoff manm who worked his way to second base and ultimately beat out the throw to home on a bloop single. The Yankees headed into the bottom half of the inning with nothing more then three measley outs between them and a ticket to the next round of the playoffs.

In the bottom of the eleventh, Showalter elected not to go to high-priced closer John Wetteland, who had been bombed the night before in Game 4. Instead, he asked McDowell to soldier on. And for that decision, I thank you Mr. Showalter. Joey Cora, who blasted a rare home run some eight innings earlier, was the leadoff man. With the count at 2-1, he surprised the Yankees by laying a perfect drag bunt down on the Kingdome carpet, beating out an infield hit. Griffey followed with a base hit up the middle, and Cora scooted to third with the potential tying run. Once again, Showalter said “just one more batter” to Black Jack, perhaps remembering his clutch strikeout only two innings prior of the next man up, Edgar Martinez. However, History choose not to repeat itself this time around.

As Martinez stepped into the batting box, he eyed Black Jack down and settled into his comfort zone. Ready for whatever pitch was about to come his way, he battled and battled for what felt like an eternity to most Mariners fans. With two strikes on the count and the next pitch on it’s way, Edgar decided to take a swing at the ball and seemingly effortlessly pulled the ball down the left line that bounced into the left field corner.

Cora scored easily. Meanwhile, fans both at the game and watching from home began to realize that Griffey might actually score the winning run from first. Gerald Williams retrieved the ball and as Juniors churned his legs faster then I have ever seen a man run, Tony Fernandez got off a good relay which meant that the Yankees had a play at home. With Junior almost floating off the ground as he sped towards the plate, the ball slammed into the catchers mit only inches above Junior as he joyfully slid home. The call? Safe.

The Mariners had won and the players swarmed Griffey as he lied smiling on home plate. As the dog pile grew, I’ll never forget the image that was shown next. A camera quickly panned over to second base to catch the image of Edgar Martinez standing there, arms outstretch, smile pulled broad, and tears streaking down his cheek.

Following the euphoria generated by the postseason, then-Gov. Mike Lowry called a special legislation session and the state approved construction for a new stadium But more than gaining the Mariners the stadium, the series gained ever-lasting fans, winning over a region that had never before been exposed to such exciting, dramatic baseball. And Edgar Martinez can just fully lay claim to having played the largest role in the entire series.

Edgar stayed around for another 8 1/2 seasons, helping the Mariners make the postseason three more times and tie the major league record for wins in a season at 116. He’s the only player still on the Mariners from that 1995 season. He’s the only player still on the Mariners from that 1992 season. To me, he is the Mariners. I honestly can’t picture them without him. And yet today, at 5:30 PM EST, I was forced to do so. I’ve never shed a tear over a player retiring since I always tell myself that it’s not as if they are dead, they just aren’t playing baseball any more.

Yet today, as I took my shower after work, I quietly said goodbye to Edgar and thanked him for all the memories.

So long Edgar. You’re a Hall of Famer in my book.

And for any of you baseball fans out there, whether you liked, disliked, or even knew of Edgar Martinez, you should go check out this tribute to him written last October. It not only captures the emotion that some fans have with Edgar, but with the emotions all fans have with their favorite players.

Will Ferrell is back. “I’ll use this weapon on that devil horse if I have to! You sure it’s not a bear or a puma?”

Simpsons, Pokemon, and Bill Cosby. Are any other three items combined funnier then these?

You think you fight above stupid shit with your girlfriend? This guy feels your pain all too well.

Margret doesn’t like to watch films on the TV. No, hold on - let me make sure you’ve got the inflection here: Margret doesn’t like to watch films on the TV. She says she does, but years of bitter experience have proven that what she actually wants is to sit by me while I narrate the entire bleeding film to her. ‘Who’s she?’, ‘Why did he get shot?’, ‘I thought that one was on their side?’, ‘Is that a bomb’ - ‘JUST WATCH IT! IN THE NAME OF GOD, JUST WATCH IT!‘

And finally, I have to plug this movie. It’s not every day that I see a movie that immediately cracks into my Top 25 Movies Ever list, but this one sure shot up the charts quickly. The basic premise is a Fahrenheit 451 meets The Matrix type movie. It’s the future, human emotion is outlawed, and a small underground is fighting to preserve such items as artwork, literature, and music. The action scenes don’t even come close to those in The Matrix, but the acting and emotions portrayed by the characters are far and above superior. In fact, I honestly can say I would have rather seen Christian Bale portray the character of Neo over Keanu Reeves. Seriously, if you have a night to burn or have access to Kazaa Lite, go rent / download Equilibrium. You won’t be disappointed.

[EDIT]This post is amazingly outdated at this point. Most of the info below is no longer valid, but the gist of the post is still the same. If you have a few bucks and a few friends, you can get a free iPod. If you’re still interested after reading this post, click one of the image above and get started![/EDIT]

I’ve never liked scams. In fact, I have yet to find anybody who genuinely thought being scammed out of money or time could be called an enjoyable experience. Which is why I tend to take almost everything I read on the net with not just a grain of salt, but a whole damn truckload of salt.

So as you can imagine, when I saw a site offering free iPods, I laughed and moved on. Maybe I should have done a little more research back then.

My sudden shift in attitude came earlier this week while I was talking to some fellow clan members. I’m sure many of you don’t know, but there is an on-line video game based on the Matrix coming out this fall. As you can imagine, people began making clans and websites in preparation for the game once it finally came out. One such clan even went so far as to make an extremely difficult test and application process to weed out the idiots, which means that those of us in the clan are pretty tight-knit and don’t try to screw with each other. Therefore, when I saw one of them posting that his friend had actually gotten a free iPod from some website, I decided to listen to him and do some research of my own.

Well I’ve done my research can say with a straight face that this looks to be a legit operation here. The site is located over at www.freeipods.com and is run by a company called Gratis Internet. They specialize in online pay-for-performance acquisitions and are even a member of the Better Business Bureau. I’ve been able to go back and trace many of their older offers they ran and frankly, there are tons of satisfied customers and only a few people that talk of being disappointed.

But enough about all of that. I’m sure you are sitting there saying to yourself, “BUT WHAT ABOUT THE DAMN IPOD?! HOW DO I GET IT?!” Quite easily. In fact, it only takes three simple steps.

First, create an account at freeipods. (But don’t do it yet you idiot! Wait until you’ve read of all this before you run off all half-cocked thinking you’ve got everything under control!)

Second, you choose one of the links on freeipod’s site, click it, and sign up with THAT company. (Calm down you idiots! No, you don’t need a credit card or have to pay a dime if you do the E-Bay offer!)

Third, you get 5 other people to do it.

So why would I be making this long-ass post if that was all you had to do? I mean, couldn’t you have just found that information on freeipod’s site? Of course you could have. But could you have found this easy ass guide I’m about to give you on their site? No, I didn’t think so.

Being the cheap poor person that I am, I quickly realized that there might be some hidden charges here. I mean, you never know what a company will just start charging you when you sign up for a new account with them and as I scrolled down the list of links you could click, I marked them off. AOL will give you a thousand free months but of course they want your credit card. Columbia House will dump mounds of CDs in your lap, just as long as you buy five for $35.00 a year later. E-Bay will….wait a minute.

E-BAY! See, I’ve been selling and buying things on E-Bay for years and if there is one thing that I learned early on, it was that you need not a single credit card to make an account and start buying things on E-Bay. And what’s this I see? All you have to do is make an account and “bid” on something? You don’t have to actually “win” the item? Oh this is gonna be sweet…

That’s right. Freeipods gets a referral bonus from E-Bay for every basic account created! All you have to do is give them your name, e-mail, and address and you are in! Once through with that, you just have to become the highest bidder on an item. Notice I didn’t say win. For instance, I did a quick search on E-Bay for digital cameras and found hundreds of them starting off at 0.01 cents. I made a bid of 0.25 cents, became the highest bidder, and was done. Of course, somebody came behind me and bid $50.00, meaning I didn’t win the digital camera for a quarter, but that’s the beauty of it all. That’s what is supposed to happen!

“But Goob,” you might be saying, “E-Bay won’t let you use a free e-mail account like Yahoo of Hotmail. What should I do?” Well that’s easy. Go to Yoggin.com or Big Puns. Or heck, if you own your own website, just make up a new e-mail account and use that!

That’s it! You’re done! Now all you have to do is get five friends to do it! Without much effort, I got a fellow clan member to sign up and do the E-Bay offer within minutes of asking him. In fact, I planned on just going down my buddy list and getting four friends to do it for me as well before I realized that I should share the wealth. Why get my friends to help me when I could easily help them get their own iPod as well.

Which is where this whole post comes into play. I want to help everybody get an iPod so this is what we are gonna do. I still need four more referrals since I decided to wait and ask people here in my post. My referral link is right here [link has since been removed], so click it and THEN make your account. I’ll get credited with a referral, you’ll have your account, and everybody wins. But like I said, I want to help my friends get five referrals as well.

So, if you click my link and sign up, say something in the comments of this post! Let me know you signed up using my link and then go ahead and post YOUR referral link. I’ll post those here on Shyzer and send them to all my friends until YOU have your five referrals. I’ve got plenty of clan members who are waiting for the rest of us to sign up before they sign up so that they don’t lose people a referral and honestly, if you think about it, how hard is it to get five people to do this for you? I’m looking at my buddy list right now and see 10 or 15 people who I know would take five minutes out of their lives to do me a favor, even if they didn’t want an iPod or not. So do me the favor, click my link, do the E-Bay thing, and then leave a comment with your referral link so that I can help you!

Here’s a few tips you might want to consider when making your accounts: Make sure YOU USE THE SAME HOME ADDRESS for signing up for E-Bay as you used for signing up at freeipods.com. This makes the verification process quicker and you will get credited sooner. If you are waiting to be credited on the e-Bay offer, you may or may not get credit for it until after the auction you bid on is over. So if the auction you bid on lasts for a week, don’t expect the e-Bay offer to be credited to you right away after bidding, give it awhile. And finally, it’s best not to have your referrals signed up using the same IP address as you. So getting someone in your house, using the same internet connection as you, signed up as your referral is a BAD IDEA. They will check to make sure they are indeed unique referrals and if they suspect that you’re cheating, then no IPOD for you. And it goes without saying, don’t try to sign up 5 extra times pretending to be your referrals. At least, not from your own home. =)

A great site for tons of information and links (including multiple sites where people photoed the iPod as it arrived at their house) is over at Forever Geeks. I suggest anybody who wants further proof to go check it out.

Earlier this month, Clay, Julianne, and Colton came down to stay with us for a week while my mom was off working. It was enjoyable having them around, which is evident from my total and utter lack of worthwhile posts while they were here. We played baseball out in the back yard and colored picture of Cinderella or Snow White. We stayed up late rehashing old memories and during a few nights, we went ahead and made a few new memories to go along with them. But in the middle of that all, I was reminded of an important fact that at times slips my mind.

You see, while The Kids were down here, we went out to eat with our grandparents. It was a chance for everybody to get together and see each other again given that it had been so long since we had all been in the same room together. During dinner, the topic of an e-mail my granddad had sent my father was brought up, which triggered this chain reaction in my grandmother’s brain. She slowly turned to me, looked me square in the eye, and calmly said; “And I need to clean your mouth out with a bar of soap!”

Say what?! What did I do?! I had just been laughing at something my dad said! It didn’t take long for me to figure out what she was talking about though. She wasn’t talking about something I had said just then or even something I had said that evening. No, she was talking about a few choice words that may or may not have been used by myself here on Shyzer.

That’s right. My grandmother had read Shyzer. Heck, I didn’t even know she had a computer that could load Shyzer! Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining in the least bit of ways. I found a deep sense of satisfaction that my grandma had read my site and maybe even still reads it now. She’s seen what I spend a majority of my time doing, she’s read some of my writing, and now whenever she has the desire to see how I’m doing, she can log onto the Internet and check it out. Now maybe I’m amused by simple pleasures, but I just think that is down right cool.

But there was another lesson to be had from that experience. I have no idea who reads my site. Sure, I have a general idea of which friends and family members do and don’t. It’s easy for me to know when David reads my posts since he is the only person from VT.EDU to ever come to my site. It’s pretty obvious that my siblings and parents read my site if only for the pure fact that they tell me. But the truth of the matter is that no matter how many people I know visit my site, I honestly have no idea of who else visits my site.

Which is why I shamelessly ripped off the Vegas commercials to promise that whatever happened on the camping trip, stayed on the camping trip.

All I can say is it was one of the most memorable trips I have had in quite a while. Various questions I’ve had for what seems like years were answered, some old friendships were reminded of their strengths, and a much-needed forum for my true self to emerge was widely available. I wish I could say with a straight face that I wish I could tell you more about our trip, but honestly, I can’t.

Because like I said, whatever happened on the camping trip deserves to stay on the camping trip.

I couldn’t be any happier with the end result.

I know, I know. Many of Shyzer’s loyal readers are sitting out there going “Where in the hell is Goob? Has he forgotten about us again?!”

Well the answer is quite simple. Yeah, I did. Okay, well maybe I didn’t so much as forget about you all as I didn’t really feel bad about neglecting my posting habits for many reasons. Like Reason #1 or Reason #2 or even Reason #3.

(Sidenote: Pic 1 is pitching arm, Pic 2 is my knee, Pic 3 is my hip. I was hit by the ball. Hard. Leason learned? Never pitch without a glove.)

That’s right folks. For the past week, I have spent every possible second of my free time playing baseball and along the way, have compiled a nice collection of injuries that have yet to slow me down on the base paths. Day 1 started out nicely. Tommy was able to bring some of his friends over to Duncan Park and we had a small 5v5 game going. By Day 2, the game had jumped to 8v8 and all bets were off.

There was a slight buzz around town over how amazingly fun it was. People were sending me IMs at alarming rates asking if they could play or if we had an extra glove for them or if it was okay that they didn’t know the rules. Never to turn away a potential player, I invited all who asked to play and the game quickly grew. Soon we were scrimmaging All-Star teams trying to get some practice in before some tournament in Virginia. Players from Dorman and Spartan High soon started showing up asking to play. I didn’t even know what to do with half of these kids and yet, the game still went on.

Sadly, I won’t be able to play with until next Monday. I leave for North Carolina tomorrow with my boys for a weekend of boozing and…well, boozing. Na, we’re actually just going camping for the weekend before we all have to leave and head back to our respective schools. We’ve had this in the works since March, which means if for some ungodly reason we are prevented from carrying out our plans, I might seriously snap and go on a five-state killing spree full of carnage, mayhem, and some slight hilarity. I’ll even be sure to cap it off with some high-speed chase broadcast live around the nation as I make my way for the Mexican boarder with my prostitute hostage held in the back seat and my sawed off shotgun held out the window. Then again, maybe I should just start my hostage spree here in Spartanburg, where I know I’ll be able to outsmart the police. Hmm…

As far as my schedule for when I get back, well, it’s slammed. I’ve got more baseball and work during the first week of August. I then have to commence the first phase of Operation Toadstool (more commonly known as moving some furniture back to Columbia) and then head to Charleston for a weekend of relaxation by day and partying by night to celebrate Fellner’s birthday. After that I’m heading back home for my final week here in Spartanburg, where I’ll cap off that with the second phase of Operation Toadstool and then head back to Charleston to visit some friends all before school starts.

Finally, a few weeks of bedlam. I’ve been looking forward to this.

But fear not fellow readers! Does this mean I’ll have no time to regularly post here on Shyzer for the next few weeks, meaning any and all posts during that time frame will come during seemingly random times? Well, yeah. But AFTER THAT! Well, that’s a whole other story, for I currently have, sitting on my desktop, Posts 1 through 8 ready and rearing to go. I’ve completed most of them and have waited to post them due to their time sensitivity. What do they all have to say? You’ll just have to wait around and find out…

Best. Reenactment. Ever.

Seriously, if you find yourself to be a baseball fan without a team to cheer for, it’ll only take a few weeks of reading Batgirl’s site to turn you into a Twins fan.

Is it weird that I find this absolutely hilarious?

They say ‘He got back, and yup, now I’m pregnant!”‘

Sure, it’s to be expected, but still…

I’ve had a few people ask if I found a place to live next year and the answer is a resounding “fuck yes!”

Fellner pulled one out of his ass and found us a loft on the 3rd floor of a building we had wanted to get into. It’s located only two blocks away from campus and is physically right next to 5-points, where all restaurants and bars are. I couldn’t be more excited.

I honestly don’t know where to begin for this post, so I’ll just start from the earliest point.

Around 10 this morning, my dad and I were outside working when we heard a helicopter hovering overheard. By 11, the chopper was still over the exact same spot, so naturally we ditched our tools and hit the road in a quest to find out just what in the hell was going on. Well, we finally came across a police road block that was diverting traffic away from the - well, to be blunt, from the ghetto part of town. We figured we’d just have to wait until we were done working to find out what was going on.

Once we got home, we turned on ABC, NBC, and CBS, but they were all showing their regularly scheduled programming. As I heavily sighed, I turned to our last resort…..FOX. And naturally, FOX was ALL over it with their oh-so-high quality reporting skills.

Turns out a routine traffic stop for expired tags forced the driver to run into a nearby gas station, lock the door, and take the clerk hostage. Since the building was literally in the ghetto, the windows and door were bulletproof and steel enforced. The power to the building had been cut, the standoff had been going on for 8 hours straight, and it was clear this situation should have been grim.

Notice I said should. After 20 minutes of watching the live coverage, my father and I were literally and physically dieing of laughter. It was soon apparent why no other news agency was coving the situation live. There was nothing to cover. The guy was in the building, the police were outside. Yep. That’s about it. But of course, FOX decided to try and fill the silence by inviting in two “experts.” Experts in what? We’re never told! But they’re experts, so we need to listen to them!

Let’s just say, they blew their cover pretty quickly. And I quote:

Expert #1: “Well, you know, he might have extra bullets in his pocket!”
Expert #2: “Good point Dave! You know, he could also have more guns!”
Expert #1: “Wait! Maybe he has TWO guns!”

Excellent insight there. You know, he could also have a pet alligator in his pocket that is immune to tear gas! Maybe it could double as a jet pack and fly him away to freedom! Just saying, you never know!

During the next hour, we were treated to even more retarded statements:

News Anchorwoman: “You know, the SWAT member with the large shield always goes in first. The other members follow. But maybe they won’t have to invade. There are snipers positioned around the building.”
Expert #2: “You’re right! It only takes a single bullet. One bullet can kill a man if shot with extreme accuracy.”
Expert #1: “Snipers can shoot with accuracy! They don’t even have to move. In fact, they can remain across the street and still hit their target!”

I didn’t think it could get any better then that. Well, that was until they brought out the police robot. Apparently Spartanburg police officers aren’t well trained on the exact procedures relating to operating said robot. They tried to send the robot in to deliver a cell phone to the bad guy. The only problem was that the cop controlling the robot ran it into a squad car. Twice. He finally backed it up and sent it on its way. Straight into a metal pole. Tears were streaming down my face at this point.

Yet, 30 minutes later, another breakthrough occurred. The police forgot to charge the cell phone’s battery. I swear to God. So, they decided to send the robot back in, but this time, he carried a landline phone. That’s right. The police strung a long phone cord out and the robot brought in a touchtone phone to the bad guy.

I couldn’t stop watching. You couldn’t have paid me enough to turn off that channel because I just knew this would grow into a larger screw up. And I wasn’t disappointed. As the police were mulling around, a loud bang went off, followed by five or six more pops. The SWAT members went into attack mode, the members of FOX back at the studio started clamoring for a view into the store, and the local police were all running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Did he execute the hostage?! Did he shoot himself?! Was he firing on the SWAT members?!

NOOOO, of course not! A few local neighborhood kids had snuck past 100 or so armed and uniformed police officers and set off firecrackers behind the building! As the police ran around back and figured out what was going on, my dad and I were rolling around on the floor laughing. I literally would pay $100 if I could somehow get this footage and broadcast it over Shyzer. But of course, we were soon treated to some more expert commentary!

Expert #1: “Well, you know, the noise might have startled him. This could either be a good thing or a bad thing!”
Expert #2: “Excellent point! You know, the cops really want to find a peaceful ending to this, but you it could also end up badly!”

It was around this point that I decided FOX’s news license should be revoked and that anybody working in the FOX studios today should be fired on the spot.

I sat down to dinner an hour or so later and just as we were finishing up, the grand finale occurred. They brought in a bulldozer. Suddenly, SWAT members threw flash bang grenades in the front door just as the dozer slammed a giant hole in the back of the building. SWAT members quickly flooded the hole and within 10 seconds, the Spartanburg police had around 20 SWAT members inside the small convenience store.

And they still couldn’t catch him.

As the camera fixed itself on the front door, our expert talk heads provided us with a little insight.

Expert #1: “You know Mike, nobody has come out yet. That might not be a good sign.”
Expert #2: “You’re right Dave. I wonder if he happened to kill a few of the SWAT members as they stormed the building.”
News Anchorwoman: “But guys, there were no gun shots heard.”
Expert #2: “Oh, that doesn’t matter. He might have surprised them!”

Surprised them with what? A Snickers bar and a case of Bud Light? I highly doubt this Rambo / MacGyver crossbreed managed to take out 20 fully armored SWAT personal without a single gun being fired, but hell, this is Spartanburg, so who knows.

After a good 5 minutes, the bulldozer suddenly jerks over to the side of the building and comes crashing into the wall. The camera fixes in on it as suddenly the hostage and bad guy are in plain view. The bad guy looks helpless as the police surround him - wait, the police didn’t surround him? What’s that you say? They send the police robot in?!

Smooth…

My IMs start going off like crazy:

Chong: “Hahaha, they fucked that up!”
Ronak: “What the hell are they doing?!”
Me: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

The bad guy looks at the robot and starts firing on it, which causes the hostage to start flailing helplessly. She manages to free herself of his grip, but when he turns around to face her, a sniper finally opens fire and wastes the bad guy. The hostage scampers to freedom as SWAT members quickly pour back out of the first hole and surround the bleeding guy on the ground. Finally - it’s all over.

During the whole thing, I had been talking to Fellner on-line and giving him updates as to what was going on, which produced this exchange:

Fellner: “What are the ‘expert’ commentators saying?”
shyzerDOTcom: “‘And congratulations to the Spartanburg cops!’” - FOX expert
Fellner: “oh, I see”
Fellner: “13 hours and a bulldozed gas station later”
Fellner: “a job well done!”
Fellner: “gold stars for everyone!”

The FOX lady finally started recapping what just happened as the news crew rewound the tape and started to show it again. Which lead to this exchange, which might just be one of the funniest Unintentional Comedy Quotes I have ever heard.

Expert #1: “WAIT! I think she just came out of the hole in the building!”
News Anchorwoman: “Um, yes Dave - she escaped a few minutes ago”
Expert #1: “Oh….I must have missed that or something.”

I swear to God. Only in Spartanburg.

Just a few random things:

The new picture is of my youngest brother Colton and his “baby” that never leaves his side.

I’ve finally realized why I can’t vote for John Kerry and what I’ll do if he wins the election. Now I just need to figure out what I’ll do if President Bush is reelected.

I think I’ve got everything working with this new layout. Well, I take that back. I still have to work on the scrollbar. That will be saved for later. Now I am currently working on bringing back to life my Music Meanings and Iraq pages. I can sense the collective excitement in you all…

I’m heading down to Columbia this weekend to try and find an apartment for the second time this summer. Hopefully it won’t take all weekend. Actually, hopefully we’ll find a place to live. Yeah, that’s what I really hope for.

The next weekend I have nothing to do. Any ideas?

I have yet to pick a single class for my schedule this upcoming semester. Any ideas?

I decided to list on my FAFSA this year that I was a paraplegic parent of 4 who was orphaned at age seven and who is a war veteran. Maybe now they’ll give me one of those damn grants I so desperately need.

And finally.

I need more cowbell.

That is all for tonight.