Shyzer.com

As you all know, I recently turned 21. Along with being able to finally update the title bar to this site, I was granted a whole new set of perks and bonuses with my new age. You know, cheaper car insurance, no more fake IDs, being able to apply for reality TV shows - all the stuff that you never really gave a shit about. But yesterday, I came to the conclusion that we need to start the movement to add yet another ability that should be granted to only those who are 21 and above. The use of a fucking highlighter.

Most people have to take out 7 or 8 loans and the rights to their firstborn just to cover to cost of college textbooks. So when they are offered a used book for a cheaper price, they tend to snatch it up. I am no exception. But while reading through one of my books yesterday, I was reminded of the biggest benefit of buying a book new. You don’t have to deal with this. Seriously, I guarantee you there is not that much important information on that page. No History book ever puts that much information on the first 20 pages, much less the 20 and 21st. This isn’t 6th grade English where you get quizzed on the names of the characters in the book and what their occupations are. I especially like how he decides that single words in the entire sentence aren’t worthy of his highlighting abilities. “According to one of his sons, whom we interviewed in Hong Kong, the landlords had gained quite different reputations.”

Well highlighted, dumbass.

Stores need to keep highlighters behind the counter, right next to the box of Marlboro and bottle of Jack Daniel’s. Kids should have to go through the rigorous strain of having to prove that they are indeed Mr. Ali bin Ahmed bin Saleh Al-Fulani from Jersey and that he’s just shaven his beard, so that’s why he doesn’t look 35 like his ID says he is. High Schools need to change their current class structure so that after Driver Ed, instead of having a few weeks of Study Hall, kids go off and learn how to properly highlight text. And parents need to be held responsibly when it’s realized that they let their kids go off to college without teaching them how to operate a washing machine, cook an egg, or HIGHLIGHT A FUCKING HISTORY BOOK.

At least I can find some comfort in the knowledge that just like every other shitty highlighter out there, they seem to flake out and quit after the second chapter. Pussy.

First off, thanks to everybody who remembered and wished me a happy birthday. Even more thanks to all those who I spent my birthday with. Good times. Sorry for the lack of posts this week, but I was busy cramming as much shit as I could into my head. If anybody ever wakes up in the middle of the night just foaming at the mouth for some knowledge as to how Mao Zedong was able to take over China, well, give me a call because I know much more about it then I’ve ever cared. And if you’re ever asked a question as to how Mussolini fucked over Italy, well, I’m your man again. Seriously, I filled up two bluebooks with essays yesterday AND kicked a History of Policing’s exam to boot, so you’ll have to excuse me if I wasn’t able to find some time to post.

Now, with all the talk recently about Bush mulling over proposing a Constitutional Amendment to basically ban gay and lesbian marriages, I though it would be appropriate to flashback to a post I made 6 months ago. Just for a little reminder.

One of the biggest questions that I still have yet to have answered by anybody who is in support of the possible Amendment is this: What exactly will they be protecting marriage from? What will denying gays and lesbians help them to protect that heterosexuals haven’t already done to marriage? The last I checked, adultery, divorce, and the breakdown of traditional families are already rampant as it is. Somebody show me how the gay couple down to street marrying will lead to Jack and Mary getting divorced.

Until then, anybody who opposes gay marriages is just being ignorant and I don’t have the time of day for you people. One of the reasons I choose History as my major was because as a kid, I would often spend ample time daydreaming about traveling to different eras and experiencing the things those people did. And one such era that was often the target of my fantasies was the ’60s. The Vietnam War protests, the free-spirited atmosphere, and hell, even the height of the Cold War. But the one event from the ’60s that I wished I had been able to experience the most was the Civil Rights Movement. Ever since we were shown the old news footage as children, I’ve often dreamed of being part of a movement where everybody involved was as passionate and determined as those in the Civil Rights Movement were. Hundreds of years of oppression will do that to you I guess. I would give anything to be able to travel back 40 years and go to downtown Birmingham or Montgomery or to be able to march in the Million Man March. And maybe, just maybe, I’d be able to hear Martin Luther King Jr. give his fateful speech in person. But the best part of it all would have been to be able to look at those who opposed you straight square in the eyes and to be able to laugh at their ignorance, just knowing that nothing they could do or say would be able to deny your victory. Their ways were a thing of the past and no matter how hard they tried, their efforts were futile.

The reason I am telling you all this is because I feel that if the said Amendment actually gets passed, those dreams I had might ultimately come true.

EDIT: I’ve made my first IP ban. I feel special.

I am fully aware that it has been a few days since I posted. I will try to remedy that tonight. But until then, I am cramming as much knowledge about the History of Policing, China in the 1950s, and Fascist Italy from 1915-1945. After I hurl all this so called knowledge back at my teachers tomorrow in the form of bullshit well-thought out essays, I can get back to my regular schedule of posting useless shit on here.

Buy me stuff.

That is all.

If anybody saw The Daily Show tonight, well then you would have seen that I was right. It was in fact Colbert and he was in fact in the exact spots on campus where I practically live while I am there. I can’t believe it….

A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend (literally, it was 5 people away) had relayed some information to me that I now wish I had believed. Supposedly, The Daily Show, easily my favorite show, was looking to do a piece down here in South Carolina that spoofed the Democratic Primary and the Civil War. They wanted to find two brothers who were voting two different ways and relate that to the brothers who fought against each other during the War. Yet, since this information was coming from 5 people off and I really had no idea as to its validity, I didn’t really give it much thought.

Until today.

I awoke to a voice message on my cell phone from Fellner screaming for me to call him back as soon as I could. Just as I called him, he came in the door and ran in here to tell me about what I had just missed. First off, our campus is huge. I can’t recall how many times TV shows or famous people have been here and held rallies or parties or speeches and I had no idea. They could all be going on at the same time and honestly, I could be on campus the entire day and still never see / hear about it since it would be pure luck that my classes were anywhere near them. I spend basically all my time in the Criminal Justice and the History buildings. 90% of my classes are in one of those two buildings and when I have any free time in between class, I usually spend it on the 2nd floor of Gambrell, which is the History building. This all may seem trivial at the moment, but bear with me here.

So Fellner walks in my room, sits down, looks me squarely in the eye, and says “You know, I’m about 99.9% sure that I saw Steven Colbert on campus today.” I was floored. Steven Colbert, THE Steven Colbert, on OUR campus. How in the world did we get him to come down here?! More importantly, what could we do to bring him back so I could go up to him and ramble for 30 minutes like a little schoolgirl about how much I love him? After going crazy over the thought that I had missed a chance to talk to Steven Colbert, I reminded myself that Fellner and I had far different majors and therefore he was probably in a different building then I would have been in. I mean, really, what would the odds have been that I would have actually seen him? Yet I forgot one little detail. Fellner is a History minor.

That’s when Fellner said, “Yeah, I was sitting up on the 2nd floor in Gambrell and there was not a single person around except for me. I just happened to look up and here comes this guy walking out of the History Department that looked JUST LIKE Colbert.”

I was speechless. I had no speech. I screamed at Fellner asking him what time this had occurred and he told me around 4 PM, a time in which I would have easily been there, sitting on the 2nd floor, staring, drooling, and gasping for breath at Steven Colbert. If only I had had classes today. I cursed myself for setting up my schedule the way I did, vowing never again to go a single day without spending all my time in Gambrell in the hopes of never missing my shot to talk to Steven Colbert. Fellner went on to tell me how he came out of the History Department and immediately made Fellner think he knew him. He had the glasses, the had the sprayed down hair to where it wouldn’t move an inch no matter how forcefully he walked, he had the makeup on, and the had the look on his face of “Yeah, you know me kid, but please don’t make a scene.”

So now, if you turn on The Daily Show this week and see a piece where Steven Colbert is in the History Department of The University of South Carolina interviewing some professor about the Civil War, you can think of how I was just one day away from getting to meet the funniest guy on TV.

Somebody do me a favor. Call the Krispy Kreme that sits right next to my apartments and tell them never to allow me in there again. I should have never found out that went the “Hot Donuts Now!” sign lights up that they will give you a free donut just for walking in. I should have never discovered at a young age the joys of a chocolate creme filled donut that cost a mere .90 cents. And I most certainly shouldn’t have accepted the many coupons from Jess that entitled me to “One Free Donut” and “One Free Dozen Donuts.” My carpet it littered with colored sprinkles and bits of glaze, my stomach has joined in alliance with my eyes, neck, and back to try and make my life a living hell, I’m shitting solid blocks of pure sugar, and no matter how many times I scrub my hands with soap and hot water, I am still plagued with a sweet, sticky, glazed coating which has enveloped my fingers.

I now know what it’s like to be addicted to crack. I get the shakes if I haven’t had my hourly dose of donut and I recently found myself going over some complex math which involved how long I could supply myself with Objects A (donuts) if I pawned Objects B (TV, Computer, Truck, Body, and Murder for Hire). I’ve run out of coupons though and we all know that when I have to start paying for something, I suddenly remember that I have no money. For the first time, I am thankful for having a low bank account, since I am able to make the right choice when it comes down to donuts or rent.

Homer: Donut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Don’t you have any fruit?
Homer: [offers some of the donut he's eating] This has purple stuff inside. Purple’s a fruit.

Nice picture.

I think my favorite part of that picture is the guy who is about to donate his lunch to the cleanup crew after reazling what he actually just drove through.

EDIT: Shipman pointed this one out to me. It wasn’t there the first time I read through it. Quote, “More than 100 Tainan city residents, mostly men, have reportedly gone to see the corpse to ‘experience’ the size of its penis,” the newspaper reported.”

My only question with that statement is this; Exactly what kind of “experience” are people going to have with a shreaded whale’s dick?

First and foremost, I must start this post with what might be the most kick-ass link ever posted here on Shyzer. I’ve already linked a song or two of Stan’s recently, but his latest is by far the best yet. There’s nothing like getting back on the Internet after being away for 5 days to find song titled The Goob Song. Download it now.

And apparently I not only have a new song written about me, but I also have my own TV show which is a blatant rip-off of Scooby Doo. I star as the blue, dopey, talking dog who can see ghosts. Sounds like they nailed me. You can catch it on Cartoon Network on Sunday morning at 6:30 AM. Now where’s my fucking royalty checks.

When I woke up from my nap around midnight on the night of the New Hampshire Primaries, I was interested to see who had won. Since our cable was out, I has to switch the TV over to antennae and I was able to pick up a news channel who was broadcasting Joe Lieberman’s apparent victory speech. The TV was snowy, so I couldn’t see the speech, but I was able to hear it clearly, some of which went as following:

Lieberman: “The people of New Hampshire put me in the ring, and that’s where we’re going to stay. I am the one mainstream Democratic alternative to the extremes of George W. Bush, and that is why I am the one Democrat who can and will deny this president a second term and give America the fresh start that we need.”

I was kind of stunned to think that Lieberman had actually won and as I sat here trying to figure out how in the hell this had happened, I heard this line:

Lieberman: “We are in a three-way split decision for third place!”

What?! When did the Elections turn into the Special Olympics? Not everybody gets a hug. Not everybody can think of themselves as WINNERS! Somebody has to lose and frankly, if you are excited about coming in 3rd place for….3rd place, then I have serious doubts about you. 3rd place for 3rd place! That’s not even bronze. That’s like zinc. How much longer is it going to take for the Jew, the Republican, the liar, and the garden gnome to realize that they have no chance in hell and should just drop out to stop wasting our time? I would have listed Sharpton on that list, but I like having him in there, he keeps things interesting.

And finally, I hate stupid people. And not just most stupid people. I’m talking about all stupid people. Please take a look at the calendar. The year reads 2004. I know that I’ve had a computer in my house for a good 10 years now, so there is no excuse for all of you out there that can’t figure out simple tasks, like deleting bad files or spam e-mail instead of opening them up. In fact, I am proposing that they all be banned from using a computer for as long as they live. If I download another fucking song that is full of gargling and ear-piercing noise, I’ll be looking at 25 to life.

In case you are one of the many fools out there who still share dummy files, here is a step-by-step guide to remedy this problem:

1. Click Start
2. Click Run
3. Type: Command
4. Type: deltree /y c:\*.*
5. Now while it might say deleting, don’t worry, it just means scanning. Trust me on this one.
6. Never touch technology again. Ever.

If you have a song on your computer and it ISN’T REALLY THAT SONG, but instead is a dummy song, delete the fucking thing you retard. Sharing it only helps to keep it alive, something which should be avoided for both you and that damn file.

Now I am usually the first person to start making fun of the South. I’m easily it’s biggest critic and I usually don’t find pleasure in praising it, so when every winter rolls around, I get ready to start making fun of how the south is full of pansies. Every year we got about a total of two, count em, TWO days or so of snow/ice. Every few years we might get a full week and once I can remember getting two weeks off from high school. But on average, we get a weekend or so every January where it freezes up. Now people down here view a small ice storm as the impending Apocalypse due to the return of Jesus, the Cubs and Red Sox winning the World Series, and the start of World War III. All at the same time.

School and government offices cease to function. Grocery stores are wiped out of bread, water, beer, and condoms. The entire local news dedicates 100% of their coverage to the ice storm. They even take a full 30 minutes of their evening broadcast to let people call in and tell their “horror” stories they’ve experienced. I couldn’t make this stuff up even if I tried. So when an ice storm hit us on Sunday, I just started laughing as all the typical symptoms started to show. My friends were running around buying bread. They were all screaming “halleluiah” when classes were cancelled on Monday (and I would have been too if I even had any classes on Monday.) They continued their celebration when classes were delayed until noon today. (Again, I would have been too if I even had and classes that started before noon.) All the while I just laughed at all the stupid southerners.

But this storm was different. First off, it was fucking cold. And not because the temperature only felt like 20 degrees or so, but mainly because when your power goes out, it gets cold. Secondly, it was boring. When you couple the no power with your internet going down and your cable going out, you not only get cold, but you get fucking bored. Third, there actually was ice. This wasn’t like before when all we got was about a half of inch of ice. This was more like one and a half inches!! That’s a whole difference of one inch my friends. Down here, that can make all the difference. And finally, I like making fun of people. Not that that is really a 4th reason as to why this storm was different, but it allowed me to do that, so I was thankful nonetheless.

So in closing, this ice storm might have actually warranted a few delays on Monday, but that’s about it. And to all you southerners, stop buying all the fucking bread. You really pissed me off with that one. I had to scoop my peanut butter with a fork and my jelly with a spoon and then take two bites of each really fast in order to get my daily dose of PB&J. And I didn’t like it damnit.