Shyzer.com

Doc

It’s no secret that my two favorite people on-line are Stan and Angela. We get along great, love the Simpsons, and make each other laugh. Their sites (in Stan’s case, whenever he pays the bills) are two of the only three site I check numerous times a day for updates. I could go on and on about these two, but it’s this third site that I want to try and introduce my readers to. A man by the name of Brian, also known as Doc, runs this third site and while we might not have ever spoken a word to each other, I feel as if I know him just as well as Stan and Angela.

You see, I came across his site around three years ago and was hooked immediately. Like I’ve said before, the first of these oh-so-addictive personal blogs that I found was that of Nicole’s over from sparkley.net. I didn’t quite understand at first. “What? You say that people actually will read the shit I type? Willingly? I was hooked and I wanted more. But after a few days, Nicole’s site wasn’t enough. I wanted to see what else was out there, so I just started clicking on the dozens of various links she had. After about twenty pages of “Lik, OMG! Brad came over two me at lunch twoday and like told me that he like wanted to date me!!! or “i hate my life. Mary told Mike who told Steve who told Betty that i like her boyfriend so that bitch came up to me and started talking all dis shit and i wuz like ‘oh no you just didn’t’ and she was all like ‘oh yes i just did!” I realized that maybe there wasn’t quite as much to this whole blogging sphere as I had initially thought. My dreams of opening up my own site were quickly fading as I realized that nobody over 15 went to or operated any of these pages. That’s when I finally checked out one of her links buried at the bottom of her page. It was titled Doctor Grosz. As if that alone wasn’t enough to perk up the interest of any red-blooded male, her description of the site included the word “panties.” Eh, it’s probably just some porn site I figured. So you can understand why I proceeded to click the link. I soon realized that there was hope as I read over the site that eventually lead to the inspiration to open Shyzer.

It doesn’t take long to figure out that Doc isn’t like most people. For starters, he’s one hell of a writer. Look back over the last few days worth of posts he’s made and you’ll begin to understand what I mean. Rarely will you ever see a recap of the boring events of his day and if you do, they don’t seem boring in the least and end up serving some sort of purpose. There’s a lesson or joke at the end that makes it all worth your while. But it’s not just his material. It’s his style that sets him apart. He operates on an entirely different wavelength; one that I’ve only been able to pick up on stormy days. He experiences the world in a way which I have yet to be able to grasp and it intrigues me more then anything else. He seems to have the experience of an 80 year old with the energy of a 5 year old wrapped up in the body and mind of a 25 year old. He’s not afraid to speak his mind, express his creativity, or show emotion. But his trait I probably admire most is his ability to articulate those twisted and confused feelings that each and every one of us experience day in and day out.

The strangest thing to me is that we seem to have nothing in common on the surface. While neither of us enjoy the majority of “popular” music, we don’t have the same taste in music. I’m led to believe he could physically disassemble a car and put it back together while I’m just lucky I know where the gas nozzle goes. He can build visually stimulating websites and paint brilliantly in his sleep. It took me a good 2 days to finish that logo up top that won’t be updated for at least another year. He would probably laugh at me for my obsession with baseball and video games. Somehow, he didn’t find humor in Seinfeld. Hell, until recently, I never even drank while he has a page on his site that breaks down what alcoholic beverages and accessories every house should contain.

And yet, if you dig a little deeper and get pass the surface, I find that we live relatively similar. When I told all my friends about the John Coltrane two-week marathon that was being broadcast, they just cocked their heads to the side and responded with ”Johnny Cold Train?” To my friends, Danger Mouse was just another rapper thug who got in the way of their Outkast and anything created before the golden 90s isn’t worth experiencing. He’s one of the few people I know who also find relaxation in spending a day working on an arts project, whether it be painting in his case or writing my book in mine, instead of staring at the TV for hours. And while it may seem silly to most that I play video games for a few hours a week, if you were to look at some of the games out now, you’d see why. I’m not talking about the popular ones like Laura Croft or Grand Theft Auto, I’m talking about RPGs such as Xenosaga and Final Fantasy IX. With their storylines, they could easily be translated into a book and be just as, if not more successful. When a video game starts debating Plato’s Cave Theory or gets you to start questioning the theory of Direct Realism, you know you’ve got something special. Sadly, people prefer just to shoot zombies or save the princess. We both love our friends and family dearly and yet we both are almost stubbornly independent. We both are viewed as outsiders, people who go against the norm. Hell, when you have nicknames like Doctor Grosz and Goob which have lasted through middle school and you still embrace them as if they were your natural name, well, you shouldn’t have trouble seeing us as being different. But most importantly, we both just seem to enjoy life, something I think that most people just don’t do.

He’s someone that seems like I would enjoy knowing in the real world; one of those guys who when you see him after spending some time apart, you’ll always be treated to a few hours of entertaining stories and still have time to go out and create new ones. His posts cover almost anything you can think of. Vegas, cops, Kinko’s, bad sex, 9-11, rediscovering old friends, nostalgic drives, getting run over by a car, how dumb people help stop the spread of spam (Get a scissors, locate modem, cut every single fucking wire that is plugged into said modem with the aforementioned scissors, and don’t go near technology again. Ever.), pig roasts, how it is not smart to turn to the Internet to find out what is medically wrong with you, and almost everything in-between.

His best piece of work, IMO, would be his essay titled “Locked, Not Loaded”. I won’t do any injustice to it by trying to summarize it. Go read it. If it doesn’t appeal to you, doesn’t strike some chord deep down in you, then go ahead and move on. Doc isn’t for you. But if it does, I’d recommend checking out the rest of his site. You won’t be disappointed. Now that I sit here and read what I’ve written, it almost feels like I’m trying to convince y’all to date him. I don’t know, I just want to show my readers another blogger out there who is definitely worth checking out and who inspired me to open up Shyzer. Enjoy.

Now I’m off to work on Project #98673 of mine….updating all these sub-pages and getting Moveable Type set up. Wish me luck.

Apparently Shyzer has a strong and somewhat large following of highschoolers. When I first learned of this, I was a bit shocked. “Highschoolers?” I said to myself, “What the hell are they doing here? I sure as hell didn’t invite them.” Yet, after a little (about 25 seconds) of digging, I found the source of all the fresh meat. My brother, Mr. Smartass himself, had put a link to Shyzer in his profile. Almost instantly Chris (have I met you?), Chad (deaf dude), Peezie (blind dude), Catharine (oh yeeeeah…a chick), Drew (huh?), Smiley (can sell anything), Elliot (your religion sucks), and countless other started flooding my tag-board and comments. I figured this would be some temporary thing. You remember how quickly fads faded when you were in high school. I thought I’d just become another set of Pogs, another Who Let The Dogs Out, another…Pokemon. Yet it hasn’t quite turned out that way. I’ve become the Survivor of website fads. They just keep coming and coming. Every time I go home, multiple friends of Tommy’s will start telling me what they thought about my latest post or what they’d like to see on Shyzer. They call my Jesus now. Shyzer has elevated me to the status of an equal. I am now thought of as “hip” and “phat” and am frequently referred to as the nozzle or nizzle of a garden hose or something. It’s amazing how you can one day reach this height of “coolness” 4 years removed from high school, especially when you never sought it while you were physically there. I’m not complaining though. As long as I don’t have to do anything, dress a certain way, or act a certain way, it’s all good to me.

You might ask yourself where this is all going. All I have to say is go buy something Shyzerific. Or you can just donate me the money instead. Either way. We here at Shyzer don’t discriminate. Na, the real point of this is that while I might not say it, I really run this site for people like them. Forget the fact that I enjoy every minute of blogging (okay, not every. Sometimes y’all can be real bitches) and I love it even more when people let me know that they are just reading it. I’d rather have 100 people tell me they hate my site then absolutely no comments on it at all. I like having people tell me they laughed their asses off at my Objective Creation Science Fair post (which, by far, has been the most positively received post I’ve ever done. When you start getting random IMs from people telling you how much they loved it…well, it’s the best motivation in the world). I run Shyzer for all the Angelas and Stans (well, okay, Angela and Stan) and for all those other fellow bloggers out there who take a few minutes out of their day to wander on over here and read what I’ve got to say. This will all start to be a little more relevant in the coming weeks when I put up some of the posts I’ve been working on lately. Until then, just take from this that I appreciate each and every visitor I have. You guys are what keeps Shyzer alive.

I’ve got another fairly important post, to me at least, that I was planning on putting up tonight. However, the site I was going to link to is currently down, so I will have to wait to put it up until later this weekend. Now I’m off to bed only to arise far too early to tutor some folks (Meaning I have money to eat this week!) and then watch the USC Basketball game, The Mariners Spring Training Game, and then go to the USC baseball game. Ah, the joys of college.

And one last thing. Somebody recently asked me if I ever trim my beard. When I told them that the only thing I’ve trimmed on it in the past 5 months was the moustache, they asked me how. I think the cam picture speaks for itself.

First, they magically took away some of my webspace. Then they started fucking with my GM files (I swear I didn’t touch them). Then they moved me onto a new server, which caused my gallery to stop letting people log in and now the gallery won’t even work. Their tech support consists of a single e-mail address and their website hasn’t been updated since January 25, 2003….

I hate Contrast Hosting. I want to switch hosts, but I already paid for this month. Stop laughing, I’m poor, not cheap.

Somebody do me a favor. Take all my mid-terms this week for me and I’ll give you a free Shyzer shirt and trucker hat. I honestly could care less about my exams tomorrow, which is evident in the fact that I spent a good hour and a half typing up a post today instead of studying. I’ll finish it up tomorrow and take this one down. So until then, you’re stuck with this shitty one.

Guess who’s got exceptionally ugly, highly overpriced, officially licensed Shyzer items for sale?! That’s right. Now you too can own your very own Shyzer hooded sweatshirt, Shyzer mousepad, or even a Shyzer BBQ apron. And what says I love you better then a pair of thongs with Shyzer stamped across the crotch? Just think, the very last thought you could have before jumping into the sack with the Misses could be of this shitty site. And they say I’m not a Romantic.

Granted, $7.99 might be a little pricey for a piece of cotton that will be used to collect dribbles of Gerber, especially when you could spend that on a few rolls of paper towels that would last much longer, but I ask you this. Does Brawny guarantee that it not only will keep your child clean, but will then take him out back and entertain him for hours at a time while you kick back with a cold one? I didn’t think so. And while you’re at it, why not sip that cold one out of a Shyzer stein? As you can see, the possibilities are endless.

Sure, I only make like 2 bucks on anything purchased from my “store,” but I’m only 8 purchases away from earning enough money to buy that Shyzer Tote Bag I so desperately want.

Note: I just realized that you can click on Habu’s red dot and Mr. Gruff’s coffee and head to make them say / do something.

One of Mr. Gruff’s sayings is “Hey kid, wanna go read some Ayn Rand?”

Priceless.

The Creation Education Science Fair Part II

As promised, I bring you the conclusion of goodies found from the Objective Christian Ministries website. For those of you who missed my first installment, I highly recommend that you go check it out. It’s only two entries below this one and it will help introduce you to the craziness of this extremist group. So sit back, grab a cold one, and prepare to laugh…

Overall, the Objective Christians seem to be a generally pissed off group. Somewhere along the line they got the words “science” and “society” associated with “Satan.” A reader’s first realization of this is while reading the section they call Mall Mission. The Objective Christians view Secular Consumerism as the new false religion. A place where anti-Christian activities are promoted, like buying a new DVD or eating a slice of pizza, and they think that the first wave of attacks that Christians are forced to endure are store names.

• J.C. Penny - The J.C. makes us think of Jesus Christ, thus associating our Lord with the lowest monetary value, the penny (even Judas valued Him at 30 pieces of silver!).
• Sears - What the flesh of the damned does in Hell. It also sounds like “seers”, Pagan mystics who engaged in occult premonitions.
• Cinnabon - Sounds like “Sin Upon”.
• Orange Julius - Named for the Pagan Emperor of Rome. This company’s mascot was once a devil, until they changed it to hide their true intentions.
• Hot Topic - A recent store aimed at children that openly sells devil paraphernalia. Any guess as to why “hot” is in their name?
• Hallmark Gold Crown Stores - Purveyors of Santamas tree ornaments depicting anthropomorphized woodland creatures (reference to Evolutionism) and Harry Potter merchandise. What notable person will have a mark and wear crowns?

I don’t know how I’ve managed to go this long without being sucked in by Lucifer himself. Thankfully, to better prepare myself for when I have to go into that hotbed of immoral activity to buy a pair of jeans next week, I can become a Mall Missionary. That’s right. Gone are the days of traveling to Ecuador and Honduras to build homes for the poor and needy. I can now sit back and cruise around my local shopping mall helping save all the lost souls. But Goob, you find yourself asking, how am I to identify those who need saving? Luckily, the Objective Christians break down the consumers into 5 easy and fun to learn categories and give you pointers in how to approach them and annoy them save them. You’ve got your Normal Shoppers, your Holiday Shoppers (AKA Secular brainwashing), Last Minute Shoppers, Teens, and one more group, which they call…

Mall Walkers: Perhaps the saddest of the bunch, senior citizens who have been abandoned by their Secularized family and youth-orientated Secular jobs and who spend all their time circling malls under the deluded pretense of getting exercise. While they tend to not purchase things, they have still been indoctrinated to think that there is no other place for them to go in their twilight years except the Temple of Secular Consumerism. Let them know that instead of being Mall Walkers, they can be Church Walkers! Your Church can offer these pathetic and lonely people much more comfort than the cold, heartless mall can.

Heaven forbid there be old senior citizens who can’t afford the pricey gyms and who wish to get exercise in the mall for its security! Those bastards! I think when they see you calling them pathetic and lonely, they might not listen to you though. Try something more uplifting, like wretched and abandoned. You’d be amazed at the power of word choice. The Objective Christians also remind you that while on your Mall Mission, you will be approached by Mall Security, which are compared to modern day centurions patrolling their own little bit of the Secular Roman Empire. I could have sworn they were just ROTC kids from the local high school and overweight rent-a-cops, but maybe I’m mistaken. Anyways, the Objective Christians remind you that God compels all of us to spread His Word to the unsaved and that if you are asked to leave, you are not compelled to do so. Personally, I think a judge might differ, but I’d like to see you fight it anyway. It sure would help spice up my 11:00 Evening News.

Now the next category presented to the readers to show that the entire world is going to eternal damnation is a section they like to call Santa Claus and Satan’s Cause. Here, they point out vague similarities between Santa and Jesus Christ, such as:

Santa has white hair, Jesus Christ has white hair….Santa is coming soon, Jesus Christ is coming soon…Santa lives in the north, Jesus Christ lives in the north

Now, tell me if I am wrong, but couldn’t you substitute Santa for Uncle Fred. He lives up in Canada, has white hair, and never announces when he is going to drop by, so to me, he is always coming soon. And I’ll be honest, I’m no Pope John II, but I would be willing to bet that just because he had those vague similarities, he wouldn’t be considered Jesus. The final reference that the Objective Christians try to make between the two is that:

Santa has spirit helpers called elves, Jesus has spirit helpers called angels.

Oh come on. I think those over at the Objective Christian Ministries got a little lazy in coming up with more ideas. And furthermore, I think they overlooked a few clear and obvious similarities between Jolly Ole St. Nick and Jebus himself.

1. They both have penises - I mean, come on now. Is it coincidence that the fourth century Roman Catholic bishop who spread gifts across Europe was born as a male and Jesus was the SON of God? Hmmm?
2. They both like fire - I’m just assuming here. I mean, who doesn’t like fire?
3. SANTA, JESUS CHRIST - Were you aware that when you combine their names, it forms the anagram U C Janet’s Ass Shirt? I don’t know what it means, but don’t you find that a little disturbing?

But don’t think that the Objective Christians discriminate other Holidays. On the contrary my friends. Their next target of ridiculous ideas and insults is actually pretty predictable. Halloween. While we all know that during Halloween, Satan is out in force trying to corrupt our society, what we don’t know is that the Objective Christians are trying to counter Satan’s evil deeds by doing the worst thing possible. Instead of giving out candy, they propose that you HalloWitness and give out Bible tracts.

Consider this: At what other time of the year do throngs of unsaved children come to your door, begging for you to give them a treat? Why not use this unique opportunity to give these deprived children the best treat of all - the treat of Christ’s Love and eternal Salvation? Those unsaved trick-or-treaters - innocent children tricked by secular society and their non-Christian parents into participating in occult rituals - are exactly the ones in need of the Good News of Christ. Hand out Bible tracts instead of candy. We must take the fright and set it aright!!

A Bible tract? That’s worse then the fucking circus peanuts. I guarantee you, if somebody had given me a Bible tract instead of a Reese’s Cup, I would have come back to your house later on, rang your doorbell until it drove you crazy, pissed in your mailbox, and slashed your tires. Well, either that or just kicked over the pumpkin as I walked away. Either way, all you are going to do is piss children off. You think they like dressing up as ghosts and hobos and walking for miles and miles during the dark? What the hell else are they doing it for besides the candy?! But as if that wasn’t enough, the Objective Christians suggest you take this one step further and try to educate the youth through costumes!

The unsaved youths today with their Power Rangers and Peekachoos and other secular heroes they see on TV are very enamored with “make believe” and “role playing”. This is one of the reasons that Halloween keeps getting more popular every year since it allows them to dress up as their heros. Satan uses these seemingly innocent secular costumes as gate-way costumes for the more blatantly occult garb: witches, monsters, demons, Darth Mauls, and the like. One option is to appropriate costumes. For instance, a white sheet with eye-holes worn over one’s head isn’t an occult spirit, it’s the Holy Ghost. Write “HG” on the front and explain to kids the mystery of the Trinity

First off, you spelled Pikachu wrong, assholes. I’m sorry, but if you are going to ridicule and mock something, at least go as far as learning the correct spelling of it. And with the whole sheet costume, well, you might want to be careful there. I think kids might mistake the white sheet and your “HG” logo for the legendary character Hank Gary, the Grand Wizard of the KKK. I’m not sure if he was an Objective Christian, but I am sure he didn’t like black people and -wait, that’s right be up your alley, so why am I even bothering? I’ll move on.

You might have noticed that there aren’t many sections so far that are dedicated straight to children. Fear not noble citizens, for the Objective Christians are one step ahead of you. They created a few characters (Consumer Secularism Alert! Consumer Secularism Alert!) who are meant to be used for educational purposes with children. Here are my two favorites.

The best line out of those is “If you find an Atheist in your neighborhood, TELL A PARENT OR PASTOR RIGHT AWAY!” as if the Atheists are right up there with rapist, murderers, and child sex offenders. And what a way to teach children about tolerance of other religions. Telling them that all the Buddhist Gods don’t love Habu is an excellent way to lay the foundation for a peaceful and accepting life. But the saddest thing about the entire Objective Christian site? I have yet to even scratch the surface of all the material they have.

I would like for everybody to keep the Objective Christians in their thoughts and prayers. Maybe whatever God it is that you all believe in can one day help them? =) And with that being said folks, I rest my case with the Objective Christians.

(I just couldn’t resist guys…. =)

Anybody who owns a TV or reads a newspaper already knows about all the controversy surrounding Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ and with its release last night, the controversy has done nothing but heat up. Some Christian leaders have come out and said that the movie is far too violent while others have come out and said that the movie is nothing but a 2 hour long Anti-Semitic propaganda film. Yet I feel that the media is failing to focus on the real issue that has arisen due to The Passion of the Christ. And while they (well, excluding FOX) may be held be such restrictions as “integrity” and “truthfulness,” we here at Shyzer are not. So that is why I must shed some light on the one issue that affect’s me and countless others just like me the most.

Does anybody realize what kind of pressure this now puts on Jesus Impersonators like myself? I don’t think you fully understand the repercussions of this movie. But maybe you’d like a little info as to what in the hell - whoops, Hades I’m talking about. You see, I am a Jesus H. C. impersonator. It all started one day on the golf course with my good buddies Dave, Jeremy, Ronak, and Nhan. We were walking around…well, driving the golf carts around half drunkenly and freezing our asses off. That’s when I pulled out my sweatshirt in a futile attempt to regain feeling in any portion of my body above the waist. As I teed up and got lost in thoughts of how I could cheat, David mentioned something about me looking like Jesus. I wasn’t quite sure what he was talking about until I realized that with my hood on, I must have looked like Jesus. You know, like this:

Granted I’m white and Jesus was brown, there still are striking similarities. For instance, I’m sure Jesus was an avid Seattle Mariners fan…just like me…and I’m sure he went months at a time without getting a proper trim on his beard - just like me! So you can see why I accepted my fate as a Jesus impersonator and began to run with it. I soon decided that I would try an experiment. Instead of cheating to change my score, I would demand that Jesus commanded Jeremy to give me a 3. And what’dya know, he gave me a 3! I was hooked. Like Homer and his dueling glove, I realized that this was my ticket to a life of laziness and easy money. I soon began renting myself out to birthday parties, Christmas parties (which doubled as a birthday party for me!), graduations, building dedications, bar mitzvahs, yard sales - in essence, whoever would pay me to show up and pretend to bless some people for a few minutes. I even accepted cake and beer in substitute of monetary payments. Life was good. Until yesterday…

Now all of a sudden, my Jesus impersonation isn’t good enough for some people. One mother had the audacity to ask me today if I had replica spike holes in my hands?! Can you believe her?! And THEN, I had some man ask me if I knew how to speak proper Aramaic. Look bud, I have enough trouble with English, as you might be able to tell from reading this site. But I’ll tell ya what. Throw in an extra $1000 bucks and I’ll speak whatever flippin language you want. Like you would be able to tell if I was making it up or not…

When I went to little Jimmy’s Birthday party earlier today, I was hounded by little kids who had seen the movie last night with their families. They demanded to see some scars on my hands and frankly, my homemade concoction of ketchup, spaghetti sauce, and red crayon just wasn’t cutting it. After one of the kids licked my hands clean in the blink of an eye, I was speechless. I looked like a deer caught in the headlights and apparently this scared the little children. They all began screaming loudly for their mothers and I was afraid that I would lose my money, so I had to growl at the children to shut up or else I would show my true form, which would make any human who gazed upon me instantly burst to death. Fortunately this worked and I was able to escape without further damage. But hopefully you see what I am talking about when I say that Mr. Gibson has made life hard on me…

So thanks a lot Mr. Gibson for raising the bar so high that the rest of us can’t reach it. Us common folk don’t have access to all your Hollywood smokes and mirrors. We are just regular folk trying to make a few extra bucks off of Jesus’ suffering. Sorta like this guy and nobody seems to be making his life any harder, so why must you do so for us Mr. Gibson? And don’t think this is the first time you’ve ever done this to me. You single-handedly destroyed my William Wallace and Animated British Chicken careers, both of which I have yet to heal from. Nevertheless, here you are stripping me of yet another career without so much as a simple apology.

Well you know what? I’m gonna ruin your movie for everybody and there’s not a thing you can do to stop me. Jesus dies at the end.

The Creation Education Science Fair Part I

Here’s the deal with me and posting. Whenever I go away for a weekend, I leave on Friday mornings and return on Monday nights. During that time I tend to go places that don’t have all my files on their computers, so all my text files with all my posts sit idle for a weekend. So that’s how you can tell if I left Columbia for the weekend. If I go 4 or 5 days without posting, I skipped out on ya. So, without further a due, I give you this…..

Actually, I lied. First I’ve got to attach a disclaimer. I’m only doing this because I seem to have a new group of people who are coming to my site and they may not know me as well as my other, long-time readers do. Most people know I’m not much for organized religions, but some who read this may think that I am Anti-Christian or something along those lines. If at the end of this post you still agree with that statement, well, then all I can recommend is that you go ahead and leave to never return. If you can’t see the irony in any of this, then you’re not going to like me very much. I would think that Christians alike should be appalled by this site I found for giving Christianity a bad name. It’s the far, far, FAR extremists to the right, like this, who help fuel hatred towards religions. And if by the end of this post you have found nothing funny in my sarcasm and feel that I have offended you, well then, for the safety of us both, never return to my site and go seek some counseling. Now, without further a due…….

I honestly don’t know how to start this post. I’ve sat here for a few days trying to think of an appropriate intro, but I’m at a loss. So let me just introduce you to the Creation Education Science Fair of 2001. Before I get into my full post here, take a few minutes to look around there and read a few of the paragraphs.

Seriously. Give it a few minutes to just let it all sink in.

Okay, now that you’ve had some time to familiarize yourself with it, I can now begin to mock it mercifully. As we look at the top of the page while it loads, we are introduced to this site’s motto: “Turn to OBJECTIVE for an objective Christian perspective.” Aight, sounds good. I do have a few questions about Christianity and maybe this site will ultimately be able to answer all my questions and turn me into a Christian. Websters defines Objective as Based on observable phenomena; presented factually, so am I wrong to fall under the assumption that this site will give me nothing but the facts and cut out all the bullshit? Well, let’s take a look at some of the material and find out for ourselves. Okay, so I see that Dr. Richard Paley started and hosts the Fellowship Baptist Creation Science Fair for all kids in grades 1 through 12. Hmmm, sounds interesting. I’m sure we’ll find some fair and objective discoveries amongst all these science projects. I mean, the name does have SCIENCE in it, so obviously we will get nothing less then complete, concrete findings, right? Right?

This is the first year that Muslim students from the Al-Jannah Islamic school have been invited to participate; two of their students presented a project on human anatomy entitled “Allah (SWT) Created Me” which, while it was found ineligible for a prize due to a number of Biblical inconsistencies, did win a special Interfaith Outreach ribbon.

Oh. Ok. Well, I mean, I’m sure “Biblical inconsistencies” is meant to be interpreted as they smelled funny or something. I mean, this is a science fair. You can’t just give out the pity ribbons because you don’t believe religiously with somebody, can you? Well, let’s see who did manage to win a first place ribbon. Ah, here we go, the Elementary School Level 1st place winner. And her experiment??

1st Place: “My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)”

Cassidy Turnbull (grade 5) presented her uncle, Steve. She also showed photographs of monkeys and invited fairgoers to note the differences between her uncle and the monkeys. She tried to feed her uncle bananas, but he declined to eat them. Cassidy has conclusively shown that her uncle is no monkey.

Oooooh. It’s one of theeeese science fairs. Okay. Maybe not as objective as I would have liked, but this is quickly turning into an entertaining site. So, because Uncle Steve hates bananas, that means Evolutionism is totally false? I like your reasoning! Well thought out and even more so proved! But how do you explain me? While Uncle Steve might not look like a monkey, I have slowly grown my hair out, covering almost all facial skin, and replaced it with a thick, shaggy fur of hair - JUST LIKE A MONKY! Dun Dun DUN! Furthermore, I’ve been known to eat bananas without even peeling them open and my living quarters tend to look like those of a monkey’s. So how do you explain that little Cassidy? Huh? HUH?

What intrigued me even more was one of the Honorable Mentions; the Pokemon Proves Evolutionism False one. I’ve sent them an e-mail asking for more information about it (and I’m probably going to hell too because I had to completely bullshit it, but who cares).

Now, let’s move on to the Middle School Level.

1st Place: “Life Doesn’t Come From Non-Life”

Patricia Lewis (grade did an experiment to see if life can evolve from non-life. Patricia placed all the non-living ingredients of life - carbon (a charcoal briquette), purified water, and assorted minerals (a multi-vitamin) - into a sealed glass jar. The jar was left undisturbed, being exposed only to sunlight, for three weeks. (Patricia also prayed to God not to do anything miraculous during the course of the experiment, so as not to disqualify the findings.) No life evolved. This shows that life cannot come from non-life through natural processes.

I’m speechless. I have no speech. So basically, this chick threw a bunch of crap into a jar, prayed that nothing would grow, and this somehow proves that we were placed here on Earth by God without a doubt? This is, in any way, scientific?! You can’t make up comedy like this. Yes, all life comes from sunlight, charcoal, water, and a vitamin pill. And yes, three weeks does accurately reflect billions of years of evolution. So I applaud you Ms. Lewis! In a little over three weeks, you have single-handedly disproved all of Darwin’s Theories and all of the years of work that followed him. And all you got was a lousy ribbon for first place…

Now, you might have figured that was the best to come out of the Middle School category. However, I personally don’t see how Mr. Goode didn’t win 1st place. You see, Jonathan managed to win 2nd place by proving that women are designed for homemaking!

2nd Place: “Women Were Designed For Homemaking”
Jonathan Goode (grade 7) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets; biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, making them the natural choice for child rearing; social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay; and exegetics shows that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, not as a co-worker.

Would you find it surprising to learn that Mr. Goode was single?! I personally am very envious of Mr. Goode’s future wife. What woman wouldn’t want to marry a man who thinks that she is unable to work as well as men and shouldn’t make equal pay? I like the sentence about lower center of gravity the best. Anytime a girl in a class of mine starts to ask too many questions or act bitchy, I feel it is my duty to remind her that she has a lower center of gravity, so she should be off carrying groceries and laundry instead of wasting my time. Ladies, did I mention that I was single?! *wink wink* Now, let’s move onto the High School Level.

2nd Place: “Maximal Packing Of Rodentia Kinds: A Feasibility Study”
Jason Spinter’s (grade 12) project was to show the feasibility of Noah’s Ark using a Rodentia research model (made of a mixture of hamsters and gerbils) as a representative of diluvian life forms. The Rodentia were placed in a cage with dimensions proportional to a section of the Ark. The number of Rodentia used (58) was calculated using available Creation Science research and was based on the median animal size and their volumetric distribution in the Ark. The cage was also fitted with wooden dowels inserted at regular intervals through the cage walls, forming platforms, which provided support for the Rodentia. Although there was little room left in the cage, all Rodentia were able to move just enough to ward off muscle atrophy. Food pellets and water were delivered to sub-surface Rodentia via plastic drinking straws inserted into the Rodentia-mass, which also served to allow internal airflow. Once a day, the cage was sprayed with water to cleanse any built-up waste. Additionally, the cage was suspended on bungee cords to simulate the rocking motion of a ship. The study lasted 30 days and 30 nights, with all Rodentia surviving at least long enough afterwards to allow for reproduction. These findings strongly suggest that Noah’s Ark could hold and support representatives of all antediluvian animal kinds for the duration of the Flood and subsequent repopulation of the Earth.

I felt the group that won 1st place was a little weak, so I’ve decided to focus on Mr. Spinter’s 2nd place winnings. So, what we have here, is a kid throwing 58 hamsters in a box and saying since they survived for 30 days, the story of Noah and his Ark is undoubtedly true. Assuming that we look past the fact that some animals, such as giraffes, rhinoceroses, and hippopotamuses are a tad bigger then hamsters, Mr. Spinter’s experiment seems to be scientifically sound. Oh yeah, I like how Noah has access to a garden hose and plastic straws now. I guess the inventions of those were a little earlier then I would have guessed. That’d be a good trivia question.

Now, for those of you out there who fear your dream you one day entering the Creation Science Fair and winning a first place ribbon will come crashing down since you can’t think of a good project, fear not!! That’s where I come in. So, sit back, pull out your Bibles, and take notes.

For those of you who fall in the Elementary Level, I have the perfect experiment for you. I call it…

Crayons Prove God Made The Sky Blue!
We Christians understand that God made the sky blue. But those evil Atheists out there will try and trick you into believing otherwise. They try to trick you by using such phrases as “blue light gets scattered around much more than all the other colors from the sun” and “The Tyndall effect” and “Rayleigh scattering.” But don’t be fooled by them. There’s a much more simple explanation and it can be found in a box of crayons! God obviously made the sky blue because he also made a crayon called - SKY BLUE!!! You won’t find any crayons called Sky Green or Sky Plum, so clearly God made the sky blue. Still not satisfied? Then try this little experiment. Go get a box of 120 crayons and find the ones marked Forest Green, Shocking Pink, and Brass. Now, pick up each crayon and look up towards the sky. Begin trying to “color” the sky with your crayon and see if it changes color. You’ll notice that the sky will fail to change to any of the three colors you try to paint it. Now, pick up your Sky Blue crayon and try to color the sky. You’ll notice that the sky stays the same color! SKY BLUE!

Some of you might say that my experiment wasn’t too scientific. But trust me, if Monkey Uncle Steve can win first place, my crayons will kick his banana hating ass. But what about all you middle school kids out there? Don’t think I forgot about you!!

God Loves All People - Even Jews and Muslims!
It’s a well known fact amongst the Christian community that God loves all of his creatures infinitely. But there are those infidels and barbarians who still believe in those pagan ideas from centuries before. The poor unenlightened Jews and Muslims are still chasing around their fake Gods to eternal damnation, but thankfully, the Real God is saving them! That’s right, he’s doing his very best to save as many of them as he can be sending them to die early through suicide bombings! That way, they get to go to Heaven instead of staying on Earth longer and ending up going to Hell. What a wonderful God we have!

That is almost guaranteed to win first place! Not only does it prove that Jews are stupid, but it proves that God loves everybody! YEA!!!! But I understand that not everybody out there is in Elementary and Middle School. So that’s why I’ve created a science experiment for all you High Schoolers!

Shooting Your Classmates Is Fun! And God Encourages It!
That’s right kids! You see, when you go borrow Granddad’s ole Howitzer and AK-47 and proceed to reenact the storming of Iwo Jima in your school lobby, God becomes happy! Sure, by doing so you condemn yourself to spending the rest of your mortal life in prison, but once you die, God has a ticket to Heaven with your name on it! The reason is because of all the people you shoot that fateful morning in school, God will only kill all the Gays and Lesbians! We all know that Leviticus 18:22 says that homosexuality is an abomination, so thankfully, God helps keep this wonderful planet of ours clean by killing them all off! Praise Thy Lord!!

Again, a foolproof experiment that I promise will net you a nice, big, first place ribbon! Now, some of you might think that this would have ended here. Oh no my friends. Stick around for Part II later on this week where we tackle the evils of Halloween, Mall Walking, and Children!! All through the view of the Objective Christians!!!

Okay, we should have a really good post coming up here soon. I know Fellner has been anticipating it for a good month now and frankly, I don’t see how anybody won’t be able to enjoy it. But I’m still working on it, so for now, you are left with this:

I’m pondering the thought of doing some shaving here. I’m still not sure yet, but I think I’m gonna shave soon. The weather here has gone from a rainy 30 degrees on Sunday to a sunny, clear 70 degrees today. Everybody is digging out their old shorts, finding their flipflops, and dusting off their baseball caps. And that’s what I miss most. My old Mariners hat. You see, I can’t really wear a ballcap with shaggy hair. So if I want to wear my hat again, I’ve got to shave down what I’m currently sporting. In doing so, I must also trim off my beard, because honestly, who has a full grown beard with an almost bald head?

That’d just look silly. So, I think it’s time for the beard to come off. We’ve had some fond memories. I can’t begin to count all the times it’s bailed me out of a tough situation and frankly, I feel like I’m cutting off a friend. But sometimes you just gotta let go. However, I am planning on taking a picture sometime tomorrow morning after my daily shower because one of Tommy’s friends pointed out that I look like Johhny Rebel when I comb my hair a certain way and I think it looks pretty damn funny. But y’all will soon be able to judge for yourself.