Shyzer.com

Don’t ever let it be said that I don’t care about Shyzer. Just as I was leaving Spartanburg, I learned that Shyzer had been knocked out. I thought for a minute who could help (and who I could trust with all my different passwords) and I finally realized that my little brother Clay was best suited for the job. After locating him at one of his friend’s house, he dropped everything he was doing and came home just to help me. Now that’s True Love. Needless to say, things are back up and running here at Kramerica Industries Shyzer.

As most of you already know, I’m heading to Australia soon to study for a few months. As exciting as this is, it does bring with it certain unwelcome pains in the ass, such as hunting for a new roommate to take over my apartment lease halfway through the school year. The search started in early November and while there was been a few Maybes here and there, nothing real substantial has come to fruition yet.

About a week ago, I received a call from Mike who inquired about the room. He was a recent college grad who had just been accepted into USC’s Graduate program and was looking for a place to stay next semester. I was in the process of giving him all the details when he cut me off and said he’d take it. I was flabbergasted and immediately told him I’d start letting everybody know the place was no longer available. He asked if he could drop by and sign the papers the following Tuesday and we agreed to talk around noon that day so I could give him directions. I couldn’t tell which one of us was more excited. Him for having found such a “sweet-ass, bitchin’” location or me for finally having found a warm, living body to take this $375 rent off my hands every month, including January!

Tuesday rolled around and he called just as scheduled. The conversation went something like this:

Mike: Hey dude, what’s up? I’m leaving my place now, so let me go ahead and like get some directions so that I can come check out this awesome digs of yours!
Goob: Aight, well how do you normally come into town?
Mike: Uh, like from US 20 South.
Goob: US 20 South? Where the hell is that? Okay, well then how do you normally get to I20 or I26?
Mike: Where? I’ve never heard of those. I’ve got to admit I’m new to that area, so we might have to go a little more general here.
Goob: (Confused at this point since Columbia pretty much only has I20 and I26). You’re new to the area? I thought you said you’ve been into town before. You did visit USC at least once before you agreed to go to Grad School here, right? How did you get into Columbia then?
Mike: What the hell are you talking about, dude? I’ve never been to Columbia.
Goob: Oh for the love of God. Okay, what is the nearest heavily populated city you live by? Atlanta? Charlotte? What the hell state are you coming from?!
Mike: Dude, I live in San Francisco.
Goob: (It’s finally dawned on me.) Ahhhh. Okay, well if you still want this apartment, the commute to your USC is gonna be about 5 days or so, depending on how fast you can drive.
Mike: What?!
Goob: I go to the University of South Carolina, you moron. I take it you are going to the University of Southern California? Did you not notice that my craigslist ad was placed under Charlotte? And did you not read the University of South Carolina I have in parenthesis next to USC in my ad?
Mike: Oh, you are shitting me! Dude, I was like so stoked to find a place so cheap right next to campus man! I just figured you screwed up and placed the ad under Charlotte instead of Los Angeles. Damn it, now I have no fucking place to live!
Goob: Yes, because Charlotte and Los Angeles are so commonly confused. Smooth move bud. Good luck finding a place.

And they claim to be the smarter USC.