Shyzer.com

I honestly don’t know where to begin for this post, so I’ll just start from the earliest point.

Around 10 this morning, my dad and I were outside working when we heard a helicopter hovering overheard. By 11, the chopper was still over the exact same spot, so naturally we ditched our tools and hit the road in a quest to find out just what in the hell was going on. Well, we finally came across a police road block that was diverting traffic away from the - well, to be blunt, from the ghetto part of town. We figured we’d just have to wait until we were done working to find out what was going on.

Once we got home, we turned on ABC, NBC, and CBS, but they were all showing their regularly scheduled programming. As I heavily sighed, I turned to our last resort…..FOX. And naturally, FOX was ALL over it with their oh-so-high quality reporting skills.

Turns out a routine traffic stop for expired tags forced the driver to run into a nearby gas station, lock the door, and take the clerk hostage. Since the building was literally in the ghetto, the windows and door were bulletproof and steel enforced. The power to the building had been cut, the standoff had been going on for 8 hours straight, and it was clear this situation should have been grim.

Notice I said should. After 20 minutes of watching the live coverage, my father and I were literally and physically dieing of laughter. It was soon apparent why no other news agency was coving the situation live. There was nothing to cover. The guy was in the building, the police were outside. Yep. That’s about it. But of course, FOX decided to try and fill the silence by inviting in two “experts.” Experts in what? We’re never told! But they’re experts, so we need to listen to them!

Let’s just say, they blew their cover pretty quickly. And I quote:

Expert #1: “Well, you know, he might have extra bullets in his pocket!”
Expert #2: “Good point Dave! You know, he could also have more guns!”
Expert #1: “Wait! Maybe he has TWO guns!”

Excellent insight there. You know, he could also have a pet alligator in his pocket that is immune to tear gas! Maybe it could double as a jet pack and fly him away to freedom! Just saying, you never know!

During the next hour, we were treated to even more retarded statements:

News Anchorwoman: “You know, the SWAT member with the large shield always goes in first. The other members follow. But maybe they won’t have to invade. There are snipers positioned around the building.”
Expert #2: “You’re right! It only takes a single bullet. One bullet can kill a man if shot with extreme accuracy.”
Expert #1: “Snipers can shoot with accuracy! They don’t even have to move. In fact, they can remain across the street and still hit their target!”

I didn’t think it could get any better then that. Well, that was until they brought out the police robot. Apparently Spartanburg police officers aren’t well trained on the exact procedures relating to operating said robot. They tried to send the robot in to deliver a cell phone to the bad guy. The only problem was that the cop controlling the robot ran it into a squad car. Twice. He finally backed it up and sent it on its way. Straight into a metal pole. Tears were streaming down my face at this point.

Yet, 30 minutes later, another breakthrough occurred. The police forgot to charge the cell phone’s battery. I swear to God. So, they decided to send the robot back in, but this time, he carried a landline phone. That’s right. The police strung a long phone cord out and the robot brought in a touchtone phone to the bad guy.

I couldn’t stop watching. You couldn’t have paid me enough to turn off that channel because I just knew this would grow into a larger screw up. And I wasn’t disappointed. As the police were mulling around, a loud bang went off, followed by five or six more pops. The SWAT members went into attack mode, the members of FOX back at the studio started clamoring for a view into the store, and the local police were all running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Did he execute the hostage?! Did he shoot himself?! Was he firing on the SWAT members?!

NOOOO, of course not! A few local neighborhood kids had snuck past 100 or so armed and uniformed police officers and set off firecrackers behind the building! As the police ran around back and figured out what was going on, my dad and I were rolling around on the floor laughing. I literally would pay $100 if I could somehow get this footage and broadcast it over Shyzer. But of course, we were soon treated to some more expert commentary!

Expert #1: “Well, you know, the noise might have startled him. This could either be a good thing or a bad thing!”
Expert #2: “Excellent point! You know, the cops really want to find a peaceful ending to this, but you it could also end up badly!”

It was around this point that I decided FOX’s news license should be revoked and that anybody working in the FOX studios today should be fired on the spot.

I sat down to dinner an hour or so later and just as we were finishing up, the grand finale occurred. They brought in a bulldozer. Suddenly, SWAT members threw flash bang grenades in the front door just as the dozer slammed a giant hole in the back of the building. SWAT members quickly flooded the hole and within 10 seconds, the Spartanburg police had around 20 SWAT members inside the small convenience store.

And they still couldn’t catch him.

As the camera fixed itself on the front door, our expert talk heads provided us with a little insight.

Expert #1: “You know Mike, nobody has come out yet. That might not be a good sign.”
Expert #2: “You’re right Dave. I wonder if he happened to kill a few of the SWAT members as they stormed the building.”
News Anchorwoman: “But guys, there were no gun shots heard.”
Expert #2: “Oh, that doesn’t matter. He might have surprised them!”

Surprised them with what? A Snickers bar and a case of Bud Light? I highly doubt this Rambo / MacGyver crossbreed managed to take out 20 fully armored SWAT personal without a single gun being fired, but hell, this is Spartanburg, so who knows.

After a good 5 minutes, the bulldozer suddenly jerks over to the side of the building and comes crashing into the wall. The camera fixes in on it as suddenly the hostage and bad guy are in plain view. The bad guy looks helpless as the police surround him - wait, the police didn’t surround him? What’s that you say? They send the police robot in?!

Smooth…

My IMs start going off like crazy:

Chong: “Hahaha, they fucked that up!”
Ronak: “What the hell are they doing?!”
Me: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

The bad guy looks at the robot and starts firing on it, which causes the hostage to start flailing helplessly. She manages to free herself of his grip, but when he turns around to face her, a sniper finally opens fire and wastes the bad guy. The hostage scampers to freedom as SWAT members quickly pour back out of the first hole and surround the bleeding guy on the ground. Finally - it’s all over.

During the whole thing, I had been talking to Fellner on-line and giving him updates as to what was going on, which produced this exchange:

Fellner: “What are the ‘expert’ commentators saying?”
shyzerDOTcom: “‘And congratulations to the Spartanburg cops!’” - FOX expert
Fellner: “oh, I see”
Fellner: “13 hours and a bulldozed gas station later”
Fellner: “a job well done!”
Fellner: “gold stars for everyone!”

The FOX lady finally started recapping what just happened as the news crew rewound the tape and started to show it again. Which lead to this exchange, which might just be one of the funniest Unintentional Comedy Quotes I have ever heard.

Expert #1: “WAIT! I think she just came out of the hole in the building!”
News Anchorwoman: “Um, yes Dave - she escaped a few minutes ago”
Expert #1: “Oh….I must have missed that or something.”

I swear to God. Only in Spartanburg.