Shyzer.com

Tommy: Clay, how long have you had that shirt on? Since we got here?
Clay: Yeah
Me: Eh, that’s no big deal. I’ve had the same pair of underwear on for at least a week.
Clay: …Me too…
Tommy: ….Me too…
*laughter*

Well, last week was Spring Break for my brothers. The timing couldn’t have been any better for I desperately needed something to occupy my mind and some quality video gaming and fart jokes worked wonders. (Just a warning, there might be a joke or two in here that will only be funny to myself, Tommy, and Clay. Just skip over those and pretend you saw nothing.)

They flew in on Tuesday night and I was sitting right there waiting for them. Actually, I had been there for a good 20 minutes watching one of the funniest things I had ever seen. You all know how airports have landing lights at night for the planes, right? Well apparently somebody screwed something up, because the lights were flashing and blinking in the most spastic way possible. Not a single light was in sync with another. Some were on, some were off, some were blinking exceptionally fast, some were in that slow, drawn out delay type blink, and the rest were just flashing at normal speed. And all awhile, there are men running around on the tarmac going from electrical box to electrical box trying to figure out what in the hell was going on. I thought maybe they were just testing the skills of the pilots that night. You know, teasing the rookies and making them do something way out of their range. Thankfully, the boys’ plane had already landed, so their pilot must have been a pro or something.

Now, before they came down, I had clearly given them a list of 3 things to bring with them. (1) My mom’s camera so that I could take some pictures while they were down here. (2) Some photo albums of old pictures of me so that I could put them on Shyzer, and (3) My birthday presents from two months ago. When I picked them up, I asked them if they had remembered everything and they both froze. Never a good sign. They had forgotten 1 and 2, but luckily they remembered 3. No worries, I told them, we’d just pick up a disposable camera at Wal Mart since we were headed there to grab some groceries. When they heard this, they both burst out laughing and refused to tell me what they were laughing at, promising instead to tell me about it when we got to the apartment.

We shopped around in Wal Mart for a while and as we were leaving, I remembered something that I had wanted to buy for a while. Easter Reece Cup Eggs. I love those things and you can only get them for like 2 months out of the year, so we swung over to the candy isle to pick some up. When we got there, we couldn’t find any and began to frantically search the few isles that held all the candy. Now, here is the key part that I’ll explain later. While we were searching for the candy, Tommy and Clay kept running up ahead of me and blocking out parts of the isle. I never noticed it until they told me about it later on, but they couldn’t stop laughing and kept making up bullshit excuses about why they were laughing that I just accepted.

During our search, Tommy felt the need to reach up on the top shelf and grab one of those giant Easter egg baskets they sell that comes with all the candy pre-packaged. After he was done playing with it, he attempted to stick the thing back up on the shelf, but every time he put it up there, it would start to fall back on him. So finally, he shoved it up there and turned towards Clay and me brushing off/clapping his hands in one of those motions you do when you finish up a task. As he stood there smiling over his conquering of the basket, we heard a sudden crash come from the next isle over. Apparently he shoved the damn thing a little too hard and it sent the baskets lining the other side crashing to the floor. It was right around this time that we gave up our search for the eggs and went to check out. Things were already looking good for the coming week =)

When we got back to my apartment, I put away the groceries while they unpacked and made fun of how dirty everything was. Hey, I vacuumed the floor for them. What more did they expect? Finally, I told them that I wanted to open my birthday present. They handed it to me and after I opened it, I was speechless. My mom had gotten me this. I was going crazy and they were laughing like hell. I finally understood why they were laughing in the car when I told them that I’d buy a disposable camera, but it didn’t explain the laughing in Wal Mart. Well they proceeded to tell me that the fucking disposable cameras were on the damn candy isles and I never saw them. They kept trying to block them from me so that I wouldn’t waste my money on one and I had to give it to them that they did an excellent job of keeping me off track.

I’ve played around with the camera so much. Every picture from the Shaved section in my galleries was taken with the new camera and I have plenty more pictures to upload once I get the time. To go with the camera, however, they got me a memory card that we found exceptionally funny. Here, let’s play a little game. Take a look at it and tell me if you can see anything funny with it. Look at it. Look at it. See anything? Yeah, that’s right, that small little memory card came with about 50 pounds of plastic, none of which encased it for it’s protection. We could not stop laughing at it once we noticed it. We also had a little more fun with my web cam.

We spent the majority of their time just hanging out and playing video games. There was some trouble at night as we had to decide who would sleep on the floor. See, at my apartment, we have what some people call a “problem.” A “roach” problem if you will. They like us. A lot. We seem to be like a popular roach vacation resort like Club Med or something, what with all the food my roommate Phil leaves out for them and whatnot. So the floor soon earned the nickname Roach Interstate 90 or RI90 for short. Tommy would freak out at the mere mention of a roach and my constant taunting about how they would crawl into his mouth at night didn’t seem to help maters =)

Fellner was ever so kind to take us out to eat on his Trillion Bonus Bucks that he has here for food on campus, so we quickly accepted each night and choose Pizza Hut as our destination of choice. Now, I’m all for fresh pizza. Hell, who likes lukewarm food when it could be made piping hot? But there are some times when I just want my damn food. This was one of those times. This was also one of those times that the 12 people working behind the counter decided to chill out and make one pizza at a time. They were, however, stocking up on case after case of buffalo wings. Now, not a single person had picked up a case of wings. The wings section was overflowing with cases into the pizza section and after about 20 minutes of this, it just became absolutely hilarious. Tommy asked if they would just put some pepperonis on the wings so that he could pretend it was a pizza, but they didn’t think it was quite as funny as I did.

I’m not sure what day it was, but one afternoon we got to wrestling like we always do. I can’t even remember who was trying to pin who, but in the middle of everything, I apparently destroyed Tommy’s groin area with my deadly left knee. He quickly doubled over in pain and was shouting barely audible curse words at me and so I was left to do the only thing I knew how to do - recite an appropriate quote from either The Simpsons, Major League I / II, or Seinfeld. I picked the middle option for the following quote: “I did get kicked in the balls once by a mule. Now, I thought that I would be hurting for the rest of my life, but you know what happened the very next week? *sniff* My momma died. Hell, after that, I didn?t care no more about my balls hurting. You see what I’m getting at??

It worked perfectly. The three of us could not stop laughing for at least 30 minutes and for the rest of their stay, we’d randomly say “My momma died” and DIE laughing. I’m telling you folks, there is a quote from any of those three that will solve any problem life throws at you.

One last source of amusement for us was this workout machine owned by my roommate. DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW IN THE HELL YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO USE THIS? The best we could come up with was sitting on top of it and riding it like a mechanical bull since the top part of it can swivel 360 degrees. I’m not kidding you people. We cannot for the life of us figure out how in the hell this piece of equipment should be used properly. Any help would be greatly appreciated, although if we ever do learn the true method of usage, it might take away from the humor we find in not knowing how to use it. That’s a sacrifice I?m willing to make.

There were plenty more jokes that I’ve decided not to elaborate on (everybody leaves the apartment???..Halo?! or dragging them with me while I tutored Anna or forcing Tommy to hold that cake or trying to order at Sonic). On Saturday, I drove them back to our hometown so that Clay could see my dad for a day before he had to fly back out. All in all, we had a damn good time and have already made plans to do it again in the fall. Thanks for the good time bros =)