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The Creation Education Science Fair Part I

Here’s the deal with me and posting. Whenever I go away for a weekend, I leave on Friday mornings and return on Monday nights. During that time I tend to go places that don’t have all my files on their computers, so all my text files with all my posts sit idle for a weekend. So that’s how you can tell if I left Columbia for the weekend. If I go 4 or 5 days without posting, I skipped out on ya. So, without further a due, I give you this…..

Actually, I lied. First I’ve got to attach a disclaimer. I’m only doing this because I seem to have a new group of people who are coming to my site and they may not know me as well as my other, long-time readers do. Most people know I’m not much for organized religions, but some who read this may think that I am Anti-Christian or something along those lines. If at the end of this post you still agree with that statement, well, then all I can recommend is that you go ahead and leave to never return. If you can’t see the irony in any of this, then you’re not going to like me very much. I would think that Christians alike should be appalled by this site I found for giving Christianity a bad name. It’s the far, far, FAR extremists to the right, like this, who help fuel hatred towards religions. And if by the end of this post you have found nothing funny in my sarcasm and feel that I have offended you, well then, for the safety of us both, never return to my site and go seek some counseling. Now, without further a due…….

I honestly don’t know how to start this post. I’ve sat here for a few days trying to think of an appropriate intro, but I’m at a loss. So let me just introduce you to the Creation Education Science Fair of 2001. Before I get into my full post here, take a few minutes to look around there and read a few of the paragraphs.

Seriously. Give it a few minutes to just let it all sink in.

Okay, now that you’ve had some time to familiarize yourself with it, I can now begin to mock it mercifully. As we look at the top of the page while it loads, we are introduced to this site’s motto: “Turn to OBJECTIVE for an objective Christian perspective.” Aight, sounds good. I do have a few questions about Christianity and maybe this site will ultimately be able to answer all my questions and turn me into a Christian. Websters defines Objective as Based on observable phenomena; presented factually, so am I wrong to fall under the assumption that this site will give me nothing but the facts and cut out all the bullshit? Well, let’s take a look at some of the material and find out for ourselves. Okay, so I see that Dr. Richard Paley started and hosts the Fellowship Baptist Creation Science Fair for all kids in grades 1 through 12. Hmmm, sounds interesting. I’m sure we’ll find some fair and objective discoveries amongst all these science projects. I mean, the name does have SCIENCE in it, so obviously we will get nothing less then complete, concrete findings, right? Right?

This is the first year that Muslim students from the Al-Jannah Islamic school have been invited to participate; two of their students presented a project on human anatomy entitled “Allah (SWT) Created Me” which, while it was found ineligible for a prize due to a number of Biblical inconsistencies, did win a special Interfaith Outreach ribbon.

Oh. Ok. Well, I mean, I’m sure “Biblical inconsistencies” is meant to be interpreted as they smelled funny or something. I mean, this is a science fair. You can’t just give out the pity ribbons because you don’t believe religiously with somebody, can you? Well, let’s see who did manage to win a first place ribbon. Ah, here we go, the Elementary School Level 1st place winner. And her experiment??

1st Place: “My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)”

Cassidy Turnbull (grade 5) presented her uncle, Steve. She also showed photographs of monkeys and invited fairgoers to note the differences between her uncle and the monkeys. She tried to feed her uncle bananas, but he declined to eat them. Cassidy has conclusively shown that her uncle is no monkey.

Oooooh. It’s one of theeeese science fairs. Okay. Maybe not as objective as I would have liked, but this is quickly turning into an entertaining site. So, because Uncle Steve hates bananas, that means Evolutionism is totally false? I like your reasoning! Well thought out and even more so proved! But how do you explain me? While Uncle Steve might not look like a monkey, I have slowly grown my hair out, covering almost all facial skin, and replaced it with a thick, shaggy fur of hair - JUST LIKE A MONKY! Dun Dun DUN! Furthermore, I’ve been known to eat bananas without even peeling them open and my living quarters tend to look like those of a monkey’s. So how do you explain that little Cassidy? Huh? HUH?

What intrigued me even more was one of the Honorable Mentions; the Pokemon Proves Evolutionism False one. I’ve sent them an e-mail asking for more information about it (and I’m probably going to hell too because I had to completely bullshit it, but who cares).

Now, let’s move on to the Middle School Level.

1st Place: “Life Doesn’t Come From Non-Life”

Patricia Lewis (grade did an experiment to see if life can evolve from non-life. Patricia placed all the non-living ingredients of life - carbon (a charcoal briquette), purified water, and assorted minerals (a multi-vitamin) - into a sealed glass jar. The jar was left undisturbed, being exposed only to sunlight, for three weeks. (Patricia also prayed to God not to do anything miraculous during the course of the experiment, so as not to disqualify the findings.) No life evolved. This shows that life cannot come from non-life through natural processes.

I’m speechless. I have no speech. So basically, this chick threw a bunch of crap into a jar, prayed that nothing would grow, and this somehow proves that we were placed here on Earth by God without a doubt? This is, in any way, scientific?! You can’t make up comedy like this. Yes, all life comes from sunlight, charcoal, water, and a vitamin pill. And yes, three weeks does accurately reflect billions of years of evolution. So I applaud you Ms. Lewis! In a little over three weeks, you have single-handedly disproved all of Darwin’s Theories and all of the years of work that followed him. And all you got was a lousy ribbon for first place…

Now, you might have figured that was the best to come out of the Middle School category. However, I personally don’t see how Mr. Goode didn’t win 1st place. You see, Jonathan managed to win 2nd place by proving that women are designed for homemaking!

2nd Place: “Women Were Designed For Homemaking”
Jonathan Goode (grade 7) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets; biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, making them the natural choice for child rearing; social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay; and exegetics shows that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, not as a co-worker.

Would you find it surprising to learn that Mr. Goode was single?! I personally am very envious of Mr. Goode’s future wife. What woman wouldn’t want to marry a man who thinks that she is unable to work as well as men and shouldn’t make equal pay? I like the sentence about lower center of gravity the best. Anytime a girl in a class of mine starts to ask too many questions or act bitchy, I feel it is my duty to remind her that she has a lower center of gravity, so she should be off carrying groceries and laundry instead of wasting my time. Ladies, did I mention that I was single?! *wink wink* Now, let’s move onto the High School Level.

2nd Place: “Maximal Packing Of Rodentia Kinds: A Feasibility Study”
Jason Spinter’s (grade 12) project was to show the feasibility of Noah’s Ark using a Rodentia research model (made of a mixture of hamsters and gerbils) as a representative of diluvian life forms. The Rodentia were placed in a cage with dimensions proportional to a section of the Ark. The number of Rodentia used (58) was calculated using available Creation Science research and was based on the median animal size and their volumetric distribution in the Ark. The cage was also fitted with wooden dowels inserted at regular intervals through the cage walls, forming platforms, which provided support for the Rodentia. Although there was little room left in the cage, all Rodentia were able to move just enough to ward off muscle atrophy. Food pellets and water were delivered to sub-surface Rodentia via plastic drinking straws inserted into the Rodentia-mass, which also served to allow internal airflow. Once a day, the cage was sprayed with water to cleanse any built-up waste. Additionally, the cage was suspended on bungee cords to simulate the rocking motion of a ship. The study lasted 30 days and 30 nights, with all Rodentia surviving at least long enough afterwards to allow for reproduction. These findings strongly suggest that Noah’s Ark could hold and support representatives of all antediluvian animal kinds for the duration of the Flood and subsequent repopulation of the Earth.

I felt the group that won 1st place was a little weak, so I’ve decided to focus on Mr. Spinter’s 2nd place winnings. So, what we have here, is a kid throwing 58 hamsters in a box and saying since they survived for 30 days, the story of Noah and his Ark is undoubtedly true. Assuming that we look past the fact that some animals, such as giraffes, rhinoceroses, and hippopotamuses are a tad bigger then hamsters, Mr. Spinter’s experiment seems to be scientifically sound. Oh yeah, I like how Noah has access to a garden hose and plastic straws now. I guess the inventions of those were a little earlier then I would have guessed. That’d be a good trivia question.

Now, for those of you out there who fear your dream you one day entering the Creation Science Fair and winning a first place ribbon will come crashing down since you can’t think of a good project, fear not!! That’s where I come in. So, sit back, pull out your Bibles, and take notes.

For those of you who fall in the Elementary Level, I have the perfect experiment for you. I call it…

Crayons Prove God Made The Sky Blue!
We Christians understand that God made the sky blue. But those evil Atheists out there will try and trick you into believing otherwise. They try to trick you by using such phrases as “blue light gets scattered around much more than all the other colors from the sun” and “The Tyndall effect” and “Rayleigh scattering.” But don’t be fooled by them. There’s a much more simple explanation and it can be found in a box of crayons! God obviously made the sky blue because he also made a crayon called - SKY BLUE!!! You won’t find any crayons called Sky Green or Sky Plum, so clearly God made the sky blue. Still not satisfied? Then try this little experiment. Go get a box of 120 crayons and find the ones marked Forest Green, Shocking Pink, and Brass. Now, pick up each crayon and look up towards the sky. Begin trying to “color” the sky with your crayon and see if it changes color. You’ll notice that the sky will fail to change to any of the three colors you try to paint it. Now, pick up your Sky Blue crayon and try to color the sky. You’ll notice that the sky stays the same color! SKY BLUE!

Some of you might say that my experiment wasn’t too scientific. But trust me, if Monkey Uncle Steve can win first place, my crayons will kick his banana hating ass. But what about all you middle school kids out there? Don’t think I forgot about you!!

God Loves All People - Even Jews and Muslims!
It’s a well known fact amongst the Christian community that God loves all of his creatures infinitely. But there are those infidels and barbarians who still believe in those pagan ideas from centuries before. The poor unenlightened Jews and Muslims are still chasing around their fake Gods to eternal damnation, but thankfully, the Real God is saving them! That’s right, he’s doing his very best to save as many of them as he can be sending them to die early through suicide bombings! That way, they get to go to Heaven instead of staying on Earth longer and ending up going to Hell. What a wonderful God we have!

That is almost guaranteed to win first place! Not only does it prove that Jews are stupid, but it proves that God loves everybody! YEA!!!! But I understand that not everybody out there is in Elementary and Middle School. So that’s why I’ve created a science experiment for all you High Schoolers!

Shooting Your Classmates Is Fun! And God Encourages It!
That’s right kids! You see, when you go borrow Granddad’s ole Howitzer and AK-47 and proceed to reenact the storming of Iwo Jima in your school lobby, God becomes happy! Sure, by doing so you condemn yourself to spending the rest of your mortal life in prison, but once you die, God has a ticket to Heaven with your name on it! The reason is because of all the people you shoot that fateful morning in school, God will only kill all the Gays and Lesbians! We all know that Leviticus 18:22 says that homosexuality is an abomination, so thankfully, God helps keep this wonderful planet of ours clean by killing them all off! Praise Thy Lord!!

Again, a foolproof experiment that I promise will net you a nice, big, first place ribbon! Now, some of you might think that this would have ended here. Oh no my friends. Stick around for Part II later on this week where we tackle the evils of Halloween, Mall Walking, and Children!! All through the view of the Objective Christians!!!