Shyzer.com

(I just couldn’t resist guys…. =)

Anybody who owns a TV or reads a newspaper already knows about all the controversy surrounding Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ and with its release last night, the controversy has done nothing but heat up. Some Christian leaders have come out and said that the movie is far too violent while others have come out and said that the movie is nothing but a 2 hour long Anti-Semitic propaganda film. Yet I feel that the media is failing to focus on the real issue that has arisen due to The Passion of the Christ. And while they (well, excluding FOX) may be held be such restrictions as “integrity” and “truthfulness,” we here at Shyzer are not. So that is why I must shed some light on the one issue that affect’s me and countless others just like me the most.

Does anybody realize what kind of pressure this now puts on Jesus Impersonators like myself? I don’t think you fully understand the repercussions of this movie. But maybe you’d like a little info as to what in the hell - whoops, Hades I’m talking about. You see, I am a Jesus H. C. impersonator. It all started one day on the golf course with my good buddies Dave, Jeremy, Ronak, and Nhan. We were walking around…well, driving the golf carts around half drunkenly and freezing our asses off. That’s when I pulled out my sweatshirt in a futile attempt to regain feeling in any portion of my body above the waist. As I teed up and got lost in thoughts of how I could cheat, David mentioned something about me looking like Jesus. I wasn’t quite sure what he was talking about until I realized that with my hood on, I must have looked like Jesus. You know, like this:

Granted I’m white and Jesus was brown, there still are striking similarities. For instance, I’m sure Jesus was an avid Seattle Mariners fan…just like me…and I’m sure he went months at a time without getting a proper trim on his beard - just like me! So you can see why I accepted my fate as a Jesus impersonator and began to run with it. I soon decided that I would try an experiment. Instead of cheating to change my score, I would demand that Jesus commanded Jeremy to give me a 3. And what’dya know, he gave me a 3! I was hooked. Like Homer and his dueling glove, I realized that this was my ticket to a life of laziness and easy money. I soon began renting myself out to birthday parties, Christmas parties (which doubled as a birthday party for me!), graduations, building dedications, bar mitzvahs, yard sales - in essence, whoever would pay me to show up and pretend to bless some people for a few minutes. I even accepted cake and beer in substitute of monetary payments. Life was good. Until yesterday…

Now all of a sudden, my Jesus impersonation isn’t good enough for some people. One mother had the audacity to ask me today if I had replica spike holes in my hands?! Can you believe her?! And THEN, I had some man ask me if I knew how to speak proper Aramaic. Look bud, I have enough trouble with English, as you might be able to tell from reading this site. But I’ll tell ya what. Throw in an extra $1000 bucks and I’ll speak whatever flippin language you want. Like you would be able to tell if I was making it up or not…

When I went to little Jimmy’s Birthday party earlier today, I was hounded by little kids who had seen the movie last night with their families. They demanded to see some scars on my hands and frankly, my homemade concoction of ketchup, spaghetti sauce, and red crayon just wasn’t cutting it. After one of the kids licked my hands clean in the blink of an eye, I was speechless. I looked like a deer caught in the headlights and apparently this scared the little children. They all began screaming loudly for their mothers and I was afraid that I would lose my money, so I had to growl at the children to shut up or else I would show my true form, which would make any human who gazed upon me instantly burst to death. Fortunately this worked and I was able to escape without further damage. But hopefully you see what I am talking about when I say that Mr. Gibson has made life hard on me…

So thanks a lot Mr. Gibson for raising the bar so high that the rest of us can’t reach it. Us common folk don’t have access to all your Hollywood smokes and mirrors. We are just regular folk trying to make a few extra bucks off of Jesus’ suffering. Sorta like this guy and nobody seems to be making his life any harder, so why must you do so for us Mr. Gibson? And don’t think this is the first time you’ve ever done this to me. You single-handedly destroyed my William Wallace and Animated British Chicken careers, both of which I have yet to heal from. Nevertheless, here you are stripping me of yet another career without so much as a simple apology.

Well you know what? I’m gonna ruin your movie for everybody and there’s not a thing you can do to stop me. Jesus dies at the end.

The Creation Education Science Fair Part I

Here’s the deal with me and posting. Whenever I go away for a weekend, I leave on Friday mornings and return on Monday nights. During that time I tend to go places that don’t have all my files on their computers, so all my text files with all my posts sit idle for a weekend. So that’s how you can tell if I left Columbia for the weekend. If I go 4 or 5 days without posting, I skipped out on ya. So, without further a due, I give you this…..

Actually, I lied. First I’ve got to attach a disclaimer. I’m only doing this because I seem to have a new group of people who are coming to my site and they may not know me as well as my other, long-time readers do. Most people know I’m not much for organized religions, but some who read this may think that I am Anti-Christian or something along those lines. If at the end of this post you still agree with that statement, well, then all I can recommend is that you go ahead and leave to never return. If you can’t see the irony in any of this, then you’re not going to like me very much. I would think that Christians alike should be appalled by this site I found for giving Christianity a bad name. It’s the far, far, FAR extremists to the right, like this, who help fuel hatred towards religions. And if by the end of this post you have found nothing funny in my sarcasm and feel that I have offended you, well then, for the safety of us both, never return to my site and go seek some counseling. Now, without further a due…….

I honestly don’t know how to start this post. I’ve sat here for a few days trying to think of an appropriate intro, but I’m at a loss. So let me just introduce you to the Creation Education Science Fair of 2001. Before I get into my full post here, take a few minutes to look around there and read a few of the paragraphs.

Seriously. Give it a few minutes to just let it all sink in.

Okay, now that you’ve had some time to familiarize yourself with it, I can now begin to mock it mercifully. As we look at the top of the page while it loads, we are introduced to this site’s motto: “Turn to OBJECTIVE for an objective Christian perspective.” Aight, sounds good. I do have a few questions about Christianity and maybe this site will ultimately be able to answer all my questions and turn me into a Christian. Websters defines Objective as Based on observable phenomena; presented factually, so am I wrong to fall under the assumption that this site will give me nothing but the facts and cut out all the bullshit? Well, let’s take a look at some of the material and find out for ourselves. Okay, so I see that Dr. Richard Paley started and hosts the Fellowship Baptist Creation Science Fair for all kids in grades 1 through 12. Hmmm, sounds interesting. I’m sure we’ll find some fair and objective discoveries amongst all these science projects. I mean, the name does have SCIENCE in it, so obviously we will get nothing less then complete, concrete findings, right? Right?

This is the first year that Muslim students from the Al-Jannah Islamic school have been invited to participate; two of their students presented a project on human anatomy entitled “Allah (SWT) Created Me” which, while it was found ineligible for a prize due to a number of Biblical inconsistencies, did win a special Interfaith Outreach ribbon.

Oh. Ok. Well, I mean, I’m sure “Biblical inconsistencies” is meant to be interpreted as they smelled funny or something. I mean, this is a science fair. You can’t just give out the pity ribbons because you don’t believe religiously with somebody, can you? Well, let’s see who did manage to win a first place ribbon. Ah, here we go, the Elementary School Level 1st place winner. And her experiment??

1st Place: “My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)”

Cassidy Turnbull (grade 5) presented her uncle, Steve. She also showed photographs of monkeys and invited fairgoers to note the differences between her uncle and the monkeys. She tried to feed her uncle bananas, but he declined to eat them. Cassidy has conclusively shown that her uncle is no monkey.

Oooooh. It’s one of theeeese science fairs. Okay. Maybe not as objective as I would have liked, but this is quickly turning into an entertaining site. So, because Uncle Steve hates bananas, that means Evolutionism is totally false? I like your reasoning! Well thought out and even more so proved! But how do you explain me? While Uncle Steve might not look like a monkey, I have slowly grown my hair out, covering almost all facial skin, and replaced it with a thick, shaggy fur of hair - JUST LIKE A MONKY! Dun Dun DUN! Furthermore, I’ve been known to eat bananas without even peeling them open and my living quarters tend to look like those of a monkey’s. So how do you explain that little Cassidy? Huh? HUH?

What intrigued me even more was one of the Honorable Mentions; the Pokemon Proves Evolutionism False one. I’ve sent them an e-mail asking for more information about it (and I’m probably going to hell too because I had to completely bullshit it, but who cares).

Now, let’s move on to the Middle School Level.

1st Place: “Life Doesn’t Come From Non-Life”

Patricia Lewis (grade did an experiment to see if life can evolve from non-life. Patricia placed all the non-living ingredients of life - carbon (a charcoal briquette), purified water, and assorted minerals (a multi-vitamin) - into a sealed glass jar. The jar was left undisturbed, being exposed only to sunlight, for three weeks. (Patricia also prayed to God not to do anything miraculous during the course of the experiment, so as not to disqualify the findings.) No life evolved. This shows that life cannot come from non-life through natural processes.

I’m speechless. I have no speech. So basically, this chick threw a bunch of crap into a jar, prayed that nothing would grow, and this somehow proves that we were placed here on Earth by God without a doubt? This is, in any way, scientific?! You can’t make up comedy like this. Yes, all life comes from sunlight, charcoal, water, and a vitamin pill. And yes, three weeks does accurately reflect billions of years of evolution. So I applaud you Ms. Lewis! In a little over three weeks, you have single-handedly disproved all of Darwin’s Theories and all of the years of work that followed him. And all you got was a lousy ribbon for first place…

Now, you might have figured that was the best to come out of the Middle School category. However, I personally don’t see how Mr. Goode didn’t win 1st place. You see, Jonathan managed to win 2nd place by proving that women are designed for homemaking!

2nd Place: “Women Were Designed For Homemaking”
Jonathan Goode (grade 7) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets; biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, making them the natural choice for child rearing; social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay; and exegetics shows that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, not as a co-worker.

Would you find it surprising to learn that Mr. Goode was single?! I personally am very envious of Mr. Goode’s future wife. What woman wouldn’t want to marry a man who thinks that she is unable to work as well as men and shouldn’t make equal pay? I like the sentence about lower center of gravity the best. Anytime a girl in a class of mine starts to ask too many questions or act bitchy, I feel it is my duty to remind her that she has a lower center of gravity, so she should be off carrying groceries and laundry instead of wasting my time. Ladies, did I mention that I was single?! *wink wink* Now, let’s move onto the High School Level.

2nd Place: “Maximal Packing Of Rodentia Kinds: A Feasibility Study”
Jason Spinter’s (grade 12) project was to show the feasibility of Noah’s Ark using a Rodentia research model (made of a mixture of hamsters and gerbils) as a representative of diluvian life forms. The Rodentia were placed in a cage with dimensions proportional to a section of the Ark. The number of Rodentia used (58) was calculated using available Creation Science research and was based on the median animal size and their volumetric distribution in the Ark. The cage was also fitted with wooden dowels inserted at regular intervals through the cage walls, forming platforms, which provided support for the Rodentia. Although there was little room left in the cage, all Rodentia were able to move just enough to ward off muscle atrophy. Food pellets and water were delivered to sub-surface Rodentia via plastic drinking straws inserted into the Rodentia-mass, which also served to allow internal airflow. Once a day, the cage was sprayed with water to cleanse any built-up waste. Additionally, the cage was suspended on bungee cords to simulate the rocking motion of a ship. The study lasted 30 days and 30 nights, with all Rodentia surviving at least long enough afterwards to allow for reproduction. These findings strongly suggest that Noah’s Ark could hold and support representatives of all antediluvian animal kinds for the duration of the Flood and subsequent repopulation of the Earth.

I felt the group that won 1st place was a little weak, so I’ve decided to focus on Mr. Spinter’s 2nd place winnings. So, what we have here, is a kid throwing 58 hamsters in a box and saying since they survived for 30 days, the story of Noah and his Ark is undoubtedly true. Assuming that we look past the fact that some animals, such as giraffes, rhinoceroses, and hippopotamuses are a tad bigger then hamsters, Mr. Spinter’s experiment seems to be scientifically sound. Oh yeah, I like how Noah has access to a garden hose and plastic straws now. I guess the inventions of those were a little earlier then I would have guessed. That’d be a good trivia question.

Now, for those of you out there who fear your dream you one day entering the Creation Science Fair and winning a first place ribbon will come crashing down since you can’t think of a good project, fear not!! That’s where I come in. So, sit back, pull out your Bibles, and take notes.

For those of you who fall in the Elementary Level, I have the perfect experiment for you. I call it…

Crayons Prove God Made The Sky Blue!
We Christians understand that God made the sky blue. But those evil Atheists out there will try and trick you into believing otherwise. They try to trick you by using such phrases as “blue light gets scattered around much more than all the other colors from the sun” and “The Tyndall effect” and “Rayleigh scattering.” But don’t be fooled by them. There’s a much more simple explanation and it can be found in a box of crayons! God obviously made the sky blue because he also made a crayon called - SKY BLUE!!! You won’t find any crayons called Sky Green or Sky Plum, so clearly God made the sky blue. Still not satisfied? Then try this little experiment. Go get a box of 120 crayons and find the ones marked Forest Green, Shocking Pink, and Brass. Now, pick up each crayon and look up towards the sky. Begin trying to “color” the sky with your crayon and see if it changes color. You’ll notice that the sky will fail to change to any of the three colors you try to paint it. Now, pick up your Sky Blue crayon and try to color the sky. You’ll notice that the sky stays the same color! SKY BLUE!

Some of you might say that my experiment wasn’t too scientific. But trust me, if Monkey Uncle Steve can win first place, my crayons will kick his banana hating ass. But what about all you middle school kids out there? Don’t think I forgot about you!!

God Loves All People - Even Jews and Muslims!
It’s a well known fact amongst the Christian community that God loves all of his creatures infinitely. But there are those infidels and barbarians who still believe in those pagan ideas from centuries before. The poor unenlightened Jews and Muslims are still chasing around their fake Gods to eternal damnation, but thankfully, the Real God is saving them! That’s right, he’s doing his very best to save as many of them as he can be sending them to die early through suicide bombings! That way, they get to go to Heaven instead of staying on Earth longer and ending up going to Hell. What a wonderful God we have!

That is almost guaranteed to win first place! Not only does it prove that Jews are stupid, but it proves that God loves everybody! YEA!!!! But I understand that not everybody out there is in Elementary and Middle School. So that’s why I’ve created a science experiment for all you High Schoolers!

Shooting Your Classmates Is Fun! And God Encourages It!
That’s right kids! You see, when you go borrow Granddad’s ole Howitzer and AK-47 and proceed to reenact the storming of Iwo Jima in your school lobby, God becomes happy! Sure, by doing so you condemn yourself to spending the rest of your mortal life in prison, but once you die, God has a ticket to Heaven with your name on it! The reason is because of all the people you shoot that fateful morning in school, God will only kill all the Gays and Lesbians! We all know that Leviticus 18:22 says that homosexuality is an abomination, so thankfully, God helps keep this wonderful planet of ours clean by killing them all off! Praise Thy Lord!!

Again, a foolproof experiment that I promise will net you a nice, big, first place ribbon! Now, some of you might think that this would have ended here. Oh no my friends. Stick around for Part II later on this week where we tackle the evils of Halloween, Mall Walking, and Children!! All through the view of the Objective Christians!!!

Okay, we should have a really good post coming up here soon. I know Fellner has been anticipating it for a good month now and frankly, I don’t see how anybody won’t be able to enjoy it. But I’m still working on it, so for now, you are left with this:

I’m pondering the thought of doing some shaving here. I’m still not sure yet, but I think I’m gonna shave soon. The weather here has gone from a rainy 30 degrees on Sunday to a sunny, clear 70 degrees today. Everybody is digging out their old shorts, finding their flipflops, and dusting off their baseball caps. And that’s what I miss most. My old Mariners hat. You see, I can’t really wear a ballcap with shaggy hair. So if I want to wear my hat again, I’ve got to shave down what I’m currently sporting. In doing so, I must also trim off my beard, because honestly, who has a full grown beard with an almost bald head?

That’d just look silly. So, I think it’s time for the beard to come off. We’ve had some fond memories. I can’t begin to count all the times it’s bailed me out of a tough situation and frankly, I feel like I’m cutting off a friend. But sometimes you just gotta let go. However, I am planning on taking a picture sometime tomorrow morning after my daily shower because one of Tommy’s friends pointed out that I look like Johhny Rebel when I comb my hair a certain way and I think it looks pretty damn funny. But y’all will soon be able to judge for yourself.

As you all know, I recently turned 21. Along with being able to finally update the title bar to this site, I was granted a whole new set of perks and bonuses with my new age. You know, cheaper car insurance, no more fake IDs, being able to apply for reality TV shows - all the stuff that you never really gave a shit about. But yesterday, I came to the conclusion that we need to start the movement to add yet another ability that should be granted to only those who are 21 and above. The use of a fucking highlighter.

Most people have to take out 7 or 8 loans and the rights to their firstborn just to cover to cost of college textbooks. So when they are offered a used book for a cheaper price, they tend to snatch it up. I am no exception. But while reading through one of my books yesterday, I was reminded of the biggest benefit of buying a book new. You don’t have to deal with this. Seriously, I guarantee you there is not that much important information on that page. No History book ever puts that much information on the first 20 pages, much less the 20 and 21st. This isn’t 6th grade English where you get quizzed on the names of the characters in the book and what their occupations are. I especially like how he decides that single words in the entire sentence aren’t worthy of his highlighting abilities. “According to one of his sons, whom we interviewed in Hong Kong, the landlords had gained quite different reputations.”

Well highlighted, dumbass.

Stores need to keep highlighters behind the counter, right next to the box of Marlboro and bottle of Jack Daniel’s. Kids should have to go through the rigorous strain of having to prove that they are indeed Mr. Ali bin Ahmed bin Saleh Al-Fulani from Jersey and that he’s just shaven his beard, so that’s why he doesn’t look 35 like his ID says he is. High Schools need to change their current class structure so that after Driver Ed, instead of having a few weeks of Study Hall, kids go off and learn how to properly highlight text. And parents need to be held responsibly when it’s realized that they let their kids go off to college without teaching them how to operate a washing machine, cook an egg, or HIGHLIGHT A FUCKING HISTORY BOOK.

At least I can find some comfort in the knowledge that just like every other shitty highlighter out there, they seem to flake out and quit after the second chapter. Pussy.

First off, thanks to everybody who remembered and wished me a happy birthday. Even more thanks to all those who I spent my birthday with. Good times. Sorry for the lack of posts this week, but I was busy cramming as much shit as I could into my head. If anybody ever wakes up in the middle of the night just foaming at the mouth for some knowledge as to how Mao Zedong was able to take over China, well, give me a call because I know much more about it then I’ve ever cared. And if you’re ever asked a question as to how Mussolini fucked over Italy, well, I’m your man again. Seriously, I filled up two bluebooks with essays yesterday AND kicked a History of Policing’s exam to boot, so you’ll have to excuse me if I wasn’t able to find some time to post.

Now, with all the talk recently about Bush mulling over proposing a Constitutional Amendment to basically ban gay and lesbian marriages, I though it would be appropriate to flashback to a post I made 6 months ago. Just for a little reminder.

One of the biggest questions that I still have yet to have answered by anybody who is in support of the possible Amendment is this: What exactly will they be protecting marriage from? What will denying gays and lesbians help them to protect that heterosexuals haven’t already done to marriage? The last I checked, adultery, divorce, and the breakdown of traditional families are already rampant as it is. Somebody show me how the gay couple down to street marrying will lead to Jack and Mary getting divorced.

Until then, anybody who opposes gay marriages is just being ignorant and I don’t have the time of day for you people. One of the reasons I choose History as my major was because as a kid, I would often spend ample time daydreaming about traveling to different eras and experiencing the things those people did. And one such era that was often the target of my fantasies was the ’60s. The Vietnam War protests, the free-spirited atmosphere, and hell, even the height of the Cold War. But the one event from the ’60s that I wished I had been able to experience the most was the Civil Rights Movement. Ever since we were shown the old news footage as children, I’ve often dreamed of being part of a movement where everybody involved was as passionate and determined as those in the Civil Rights Movement were. Hundreds of years of oppression will do that to you I guess. I would give anything to be able to travel back 40 years and go to downtown Birmingham or Montgomery or to be able to march in the Million Man March. And maybe, just maybe, I’d be able to hear Martin Luther King Jr. give his fateful speech in person. But the best part of it all would have been to be able to look at those who opposed you straight square in the eyes and to be able to laugh at their ignorance, just knowing that nothing they could do or say would be able to deny your victory. Their ways were a thing of the past and no matter how hard they tried, their efforts were futile.

The reason I am telling you all this is because I feel that if the said Amendment actually gets passed, those dreams I had might ultimately come true.

EDIT: I’ve made my first IP ban. I feel special.

I am fully aware that it has been a few days since I posted. I will try to remedy that tonight. But until then, I am cramming as much knowledge about the History of Policing, China in the 1950s, and Fascist Italy from 1915-1945. After I hurl all this so called knowledge back at my teachers tomorrow in the form of bullshit well-thought out essays, I can get back to my regular schedule of posting useless shit on here.

Buy me stuff.

That is all.

If anybody saw The Daily Show tonight, well then you would have seen that I was right. It was in fact Colbert and he was in fact in the exact spots on campus where I practically live while I am there. I can’t believe it….

A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend (literally, it was 5 people away) had relayed some information to me that I now wish I had believed. Supposedly, The Daily Show, easily my favorite show, was looking to do a piece down here in South Carolina that spoofed the Democratic Primary and the Civil War. They wanted to find two brothers who were voting two different ways and relate that to the brothers who fought against each other during the War. Yet, since this information was coming from 5 people off and I really had no idea as to its validity, I didn’t really give it much thought.

Until today.

I awoke to a voice message on my cell phone from Fellner screaming for me to call him back as soon as I could. Just as I called him, he came in the door and ran in here to tell me about what I had just missed. First off, our campus is huge. I can’t recall how many times TV shows or famous people have been here and held rallies or parties or speeches and I had no idea. They could all be going on at the same time and honestly, I could be on campus the entire day and still never see / hear about it since it would be pure luck that my classes were anywhere near them. I spend basically all my time in the Criminal Justice and the History buildings. 90% of my classes are in one of those two buildings and when I have any free time in between class, I usually spend it on the 2nd floor of Gambrell, which is the History building. This all may seem trivial at the moment, but bear with me here.

So Fellner walks in my room, sits down, looks me squarely in the eye, and says “You know, I’m about 99.9% sure that I saw Steven Colbert on campus today.” I was floored. Steven Colbert, THE Steven Colbert, on OUR campus. How in the world did we get him to come down here?! More importantly, what could we do to bring him back so I could go up to him and ramble for 30 minutes like a little schoolgirl about how much I love him? After going crazy over the thought that I had missed a chance to talk to Steven Colbert, I reminded myself that Fellner and I had far different majors and therefore he was probably in a different building then I would have been in. I mean, really, what would the odds have been that I would have actually seen him? Yet I forgot one little detail. Fellner is a History minor.

That’s when Fellner said, “Yeah, I was sitting up on the 2nd floor in Gambrell and there was not a single person around except for me. I just happened to look up and here comes this guy walking out of the History Department that looked JUST LIKE Colbert.”

I was speechless. I had no speech. I screamed at Fellner asking him what time this had occurred and he told me around 4 PM, a time in which I would have easily been there, sitting on the 2nd floor, staring, drooling, and gasping for breath at Steven Colbert. If only I had had classes today. I cursed myself for setting up my schedule the way I did, vowing never again to go a single day without spending all my time in Gambrell in the hopes of never missing my shot to talk to Steven Colbert. Fellner went on to tell me how he came out of the History Department and immediately made Fellner think he knew him. He had the glasses, the had the sprayed down hair to where it wouldn’t move an inch no matter how forcefully he walked, he had the makeup on, and the had the look on his face of “Yeah, you know me kid, but please don’t make a scene.”

So now, if you turn on The Daily Show this week and see a piece where Steven Colbert is in the History Department of The University of South Carolina interviewing some professor about the Civil War, you can think of how I was just one day away from getting to meet the funniest guy on TV.

Somebody do me a favor. Call the Krispy Kreme that sits right next to my apartments and tell them never to allow me in there again. I should have never found out that went the “Hot Donuts Now!” sign lights up that they will give you a free donut just for walking in. I should have never discovered at a young age the joys of a chocolate creme filled donut that cost a mere .90 cents. And I most certainly shouldn’t have accepted the many coupons from Jess that entitled me to “One Free Donut” and “One Free Dozen Donuts.” My carpet it littered with colored sprinkles and bits of glaze, my stomach has joined in alliance with my eyes, neck, and back to try and make my life a living hell, I’m shitting solid blocks of pure sugar, and no matter how many times I scrub my hands with soap and hot water, I am still plagued with a sweet, sticky, glazed coating which has enveloped my fingers.

I now know what it’s like to be addicted to crack. I get the shakes if I haven’t had my hourly dose of donut and I recently found myself going over some complex math which involved how long I could supply myself with Objects A (donuts) if I pawned Objects B (TV, Computer, Truck, Body, and Murder for Hire). I’ve run out of coupons though and we all know that when I have to start paying for something, I suddenly remember that I have no money. For the first time, I am thankful for having a low bank account, since I am able to make the right choice when it comes down to donuts or rent.

Homer: Donut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Don’t you have any fruit?
Homer: [offers some of the donut he's eating] This has purple stuff inside. Purple’s a fruit.