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In true Shyzer fashion, it took me around 3 days to type up this post. I started most of it on Wednesday, so that is why I’m talking about shows that play that night. And without further ado…

I am something of a perfectionist. If I am going to do or change something, I want the end result to be perfect. If halfway through I realize that it’s not going to be, well, I just cast it aside and figure that I’ll do it later. It explains why I have never changed the layout to this site and why I only post twice a week or so. My desktop is littered with text documents about Curt Schilling, The State of the Union address, historians viewing erectile dysfunction, the Atkins diet, man crushes, and many other ones where I started typing up a post only to stop because it wasn’t funny or insightful enough. And from judging by the low quality of crap that actually makes it onto this site, you can imagine how shitty they all are. I’m really only good at thinking of one or two great sentences. The problem is that I have trouble of thinking of anything good to surround the few lines I have with. So as I sat here watching TV and trying to figure out what in the hell I should type about, I began to think of how shitty and fake most popular television shows have become.

Normally at 9 on Wednesday, I turn on The West Wing. For the past few years, it has been one of, if not the best show on television. From the arguments they make, to the subtly humor, to the pure drama. But after watching it for the past few years, I started to get turned off by it. The show itself took a downturn when the main core of writers left the show last year and we were left with secondary replacements. But the thing that I hate most about it is how untrue it really is. Politics is nowhere near as exciting as it is portrayed to be in the show. Immediate results, straight answers, and the hero-esque trait of the characters are pure fiction compared to the real world.

First we had The OC. The O-fucking-C. This is what’s wrong with America. I’m sorry folks, but this is just pure trash. Who lives like this?! Who talks like this?! Whose friends look like this?! It’s such a fucking joke. I literally want to just hurl after watching 5 minutes of it. I move on before this post turns into the “Anybody who watches The OC is a fucking moron” rant.

At 10 we have Law & Order, or Law & Order Special Victims Unit, or Law & Order OJ Was Guilty Unit, or one of the other 50 million spin offs this show has produced. I like this show in moderation. It’s okay just to watch an episode or two once a month. But it’s just so fake. The police can break any law they want if they “really needed to” and the D.A. can magically get them out each and every time with JUST enough time left to prosecute, and convict!, the criminal. Name more then 3 episodes where the bad guy got off. You can’t, can you? Exactly. And the worse part of the entire series?! The opening scene. It’s a joke. You’ve always got some cleaning maids talking, or a couple taking a nice stroll through the park, or a few kids playing baseball in the road and then…GASP, some horrible acting as they scream “Oh my God…A dead body!!”

I then realized that The Mole was on tonight. And not that retarded, rip off On-line game that Mr. Tool himself started. I’m talking about the real thing.

Ah, The Mole. Easily, the ONLY reality TV show that I would ever appear on. Forget about The Real World. Forget about Survivor and Road Rules. Forget about Joe fucking Millionaire and the Bachelorette and Slut Paradise Island and My Fat Retarded Ugly I-am-a-whore-who-is-so-fucking-stupid-that-I-can’t-tell-he’s-an-actor Fiancé and all those other crappy reality TV shows. The Mole dominates them all by mocking them while actually being cool. For those of you who haven’t seen it (an judging by past ratings, I’m guess this is the case for most of you), the game is basically this: 10 or so people travel to some far and remote location, like Mexico, and compete in a few events each day to add money to “The Pot.” Events range from navigating human mazes, to rounding up chickens with sombreros, to defending a fort overnight from bandits with paintball guns. Actually the best game I’ve ever seen them do is . Anyways, throughout the entire game, one of the contestants who was pre-selected by ABC is secretly trying to fuck everything up and lose money for the team. So not only do the “real” contestants have to try and pass these goofy and funny contests, but they have to try and figure out who is fucking up their game.

Pretty easy, huh? Not so fast my friend. If it was this easy, then it wouldn’t be that hard to figure out who the Mole is. In order to try and throw off all the other contestants, everybody starts to screw things up so that people will start to think they are the Mole. At the end of each episode, the players all take a quiz asking questions about the Mole. The person who misses the most is kicked off and the game moves on. But the best aspect about the whole show is the underlying and unsaid agreement that throughout the entire season, they will make fun of other reality TV shows that try and take themselves seriously. They go in black rooms and melodramatically talk one-on-one with the camera about who the mole is to make fun of Real World. They make “coalitions” and never stick to them while mocking Survivor. And all the while the host is just fucking around with them and cracking jokes about every other reality TV show. It’s the only reality TV series that realizes what it truly is; a simple TV show that is meant to entertain and not be anything remotely serious. It’s perfect.

And with that, I am off to try and find something to watch at 6 AM on Sunday morning.