Shyzer.com

Before I start, I have two announcements to make. First off, go check out The Gallery for some pictures of me and my siblings that I took over the holidays. Some of them turned out pretty good and I promised that I’d take more pictures, so there ya are. And second, my boy Stan has written and recorded a damn awesome song that you can find here. I highly recommend that everybody go listen to it and give Stan the props that he deserves.

Now onto the main topic I wanted to talk about. My Beard. During the process of growing it out, I’ve learned a few things about having a beard that I thought I would share with y’all. Some of them surprised me while others downright shocked and baffled me and I am hoping that someway or another, y’all can help me shed some light and understanding onto them.

The first thing I learned is that you have to remember after every single time you eat or drink something to wipe off your beard around your mouth. I can’t tell you how many times I sat in class and went to wet my lips, only to taste the cereal I had eaten hours before. Now while it was nice to get a little bit of food while sitting in class, the amount is so small that it doesn’t negate the fact that you walked around for hours looking like a fool with food in your beard. And when you think about it, having that little taste of food could actually be more torturing then beneficiary. When you are sitting in class, both bored AND hungry, to only be teased with the food that you can’t have, it’s tortue. It’s just not fair folks.

The second thing I learned is that the thicker your beard is, the more black people like you. Don’t ask me how or why, but all I know is that as time went on, black people became nicer and friendlier towards me. It made no sense at the time I discovered it and I still can’t figure out why in the world it is true, but all I know is that it is. If anybody has any idea or theories as to why this might be true, please don’t hesitate to pass them along, because I am still trying to understand this strange phenomenon.

The third thing that I learned is that my siblings laugh when I kiss or hug them because it tickles their faces. Nothing really surprising here, but I liked doing it since they hated it yet laughed when I did it.

And finally, the fourth and quite frankly, most disturbing thing that I learned is that they are getting smarter. Despite our many attempts to ignore and delete them in the hope that they would one day fade away from our lives, they seem to progressing at a higher rate then any of us have predicted. I am of course talking about spamers. Folks, ever since I updated my cam picture a few weeks ago with my beard, you wouldn’t believe the amount of spam that I have received offering to sell me beard trimmers, dye for when my beard goes gray, and chicks who dig doing sexually lewd acts that aren’t even legal in most states to guys with beards. Now while I’m nearly as bothered by the 3rd as I am by the first 2, you still have to understand what this means for us all in the long run. They are adapting, evolving, maturing. Today they can scan our cam images and tomorrow they learn how to just stare at us through our computer monitors.

Folks, I’m scared and I think you should be too. We need to do something about this. Immediately. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to trim my beard for those ladies.