Shyzer.com

We here at Shyzer like to think of ourselves as public servants. We like to pass along whatever little bits of information that we amass over the years and after working at the United Parcel Service for a few weeks, I feel that there are some little tips that I should pass along to the general public, for I think that everybody and anybody who ships a package would hope for it to arrive safely and on time. Therefore, if you want your package to have the highest chance of survival, please take my advice.

• Never, never, NEVER put fragile on your box. For the love of God, that is the equivilant of stamping a large neon sign to yoru package saying “Dear package unloader. I care a lot about this package and I’m sure you don’t give a shit about it and I know that you supposedly treat all the packages carefully, but I don’t trust you, so I am asking you in a patronizing way not to damage my package like I know you will.” Well you know what? You are damn right. We probably would have never noticed your package and it would have been lightly tossed onto the belt like every other package. But now that you have disturbed us with your ugly warning sticker, we are going to damage your package since you obviously don’t think we are competent enough to handle your measly package of ugly china and dishware that you are sending to a distant relative that doesn’t even like you. So you know what? You better well hope that your package wasn’t put in a crate that we are unloading, because you can be damn sure that it will be hitting that conveyor belt much harder then the package right next to it. You have something fragile in there? Try putting some bubble wrap around it you lazy ass. Handle with care…what a joke…
• Now, tell me if I am completely off base here, but I’m guessing that the reason you are sending your package is because you want the contents that are inside of it to arrive at the final destination, right? I mean, you aren’t just stuffing old pizza crust and newspaper clippings into boxes and sending them just so that the box can arrive, right? So do us all a favor and stop fucking skimping on the tape when you seal your box up. I mean, you’ve already paid $20 bucks to ship the damn box overnight and you’ve taken the time to pull out your address box and fill out the label properly (with some horrible fucking handwritting I might add), so why would you try and save that extra strip of tape that would cost you around 0.05 cents? Look, if I pick up your package and it busts open and papers go flying everywhere, you can bet your first child that I’m going to be throwing some of those papers in the trash. Mr. John Hampton is possibly going to be having a mistrial sometime next month because his attorney won’t be getting some of the court documents tomorrow like he had planned. And if you managed to stuff a few pounds of that damn peanut puffs that are used for packaging and they go flying all over my crate when your shitty package bursts open. Ohhhhhh, trust me, you better just hope you didn’t have FRAGILE maked on the box….
• And last, but certainly not least, is a tip for you shippers over at QVC. The next time you decide to vacuum seal an entire bed set into the size of a grapefruit and fail to label the weight as 100 pounds, you will die. Seriosuly, you aren’t fooling anybody at UPS except for us unloaders. The scanners are also weight machines and you will be billed for more money since you tried to stuff 100 pounds into a box that should contain nothing over 10. The only people you are tricking is Ronald and I, because we are the ones who are tossing all the boxes onto the belt and your boxes are the ones that are hidden among all the light ones. As we are getting into our rhythm and cleaning out the crate, we stumble across one of your boxes and come within inches of breaking our fucking backs. So I warn you, QVC, the next time you try and pull this on us, we might snap, and you might not be too happy with the end results.

And so there you have it. Follow those tips and I can almost guarantee that it will get past us unloaders on the crate side of the factory. I’ve got a few more that you might want to follow, but I’ll save those for another post. In the meantime, enjoy this appropriate Simpsons’ quote.

Homer: My job is my identity! If I’m not a safety whachamajammer, I’m nothing!