Shyzer.com

I GOT THE GALLERY WORKING! I always knew I could do it =) The reason I haven’t linked it yet, however, is that I want to upload all the pictures I have before I do. So, look for the link to be up sometime tomorrow night. [edit] Here’s a link to the gallery. I’ve gotten most of the pictures I have with me uploaded, but I’ll be uploading many more in the next month or so after I get them from home. [/edit]

I used to be full of hate, anger, rage, among other positive things. But the former resulted and prospered from the uncertainty that clouded my mind. I knew I was different. I knew I was meant to do something. But I didn’t know what. I didn’t know why. I didn’t know how.

But yesterday….It just fell into place. I walked outside to go to class and it was 80-someodd degrees. In November. With nothing but a few small clouds floating aimlessly, I began walking to class and noticed something strange. There was no one else around. On a campus of 30,000 students, there was not a soul to be seen. And then 5 seconds later, the heaviest rain I’ve ever felt came out of nowhere. Stronger then my wildest imaginations, I struggled to balance myself as I kept walking. I was soaked to the bone within a matter of minutes and as I went on, the rain seemed to follow me, going exactly where I was heading. When I got to the building where my class was, I stared up at the metaphysically-cleansing rain and watched it stopped as suddenly as it had started and vanished. As I sat in my class and looked at the puddle of water in my book bag, I surveyed everybody around me and noticed that they were all dry as could be. Not a drop of water on them. And the strangest sense washed over me. I knew it was what I’d been looking for all this time. What I’d been searching for. What I’d dreamt of at night and pondered throughout the day.

The most amazing sense of peacefulness flowed through me and continues to do so now. I’ve sat here and thought of all the things that used to make me angry and none of them do anymore. It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I still don’t know what. I still don’t know why. But I now know how.

I now am free of the hatred that I fostered inside of me since as long as I can remember. I am free of the fury that held me hostage. I am free of the rage that slightly pulsed through me with every breath I took. I am free of whatever has held me for 20 years. It feels amazing. It feels so right. It feels like nothing I ever thought imaginable. It makes each and every struggle that I went through to get here seem reasonable.

It feels like peace.

The torrential downpour today - like nothing I’ve ever experienced. And on a perfectly sunny day. Being the only one soaked. The warmth. The name Ryan Scott. It’s all there. It’s all right in front of me. I finally understand. I finally see. I just have to figure out how.

I didn’t always know. I believed. I still do.

I’ve already warned you once Fellner. GET BACK TO WORK! I don’t want to see House.gov on my status page ever again!

Only 4 more hours until The Matrix Revolutions and my heart is already pounding. People keep asking me why I like to movie so much and they always assume that it’s because of the visual effects and action scenes. But those are just the icing on the cake. The real reason these movies are amazing lie in their philosophical and religious understandings. I’ve never seen a movie pull in Greek, Roman, Norse, and Egyptian mythology so well and at the same time pull in Christian, Islam, and Hinduism and have it all intertwine and make perfect senes, even if you don’t get it the first time. It’s like a good book, you have to read it over and over before you finally understand it and when you do, you realize that it has nothing to do with what’s on the surface. Pure brilliance.

Well, the Supporting Cast section is now up (minus the headshot, which will be up tomorrow), so now you’ll have a better idea of who people are when I talk about them. Next goal, the gallery!

It’s funny to see people turn into people they swore they never would. Maybe funny isn’t the word, I guess it depends on the person and the situation. Watching a few of my old friends slowly deteriorate into that person they never wished to be is discouraging, especially knowing that there is nothing I can do. Things have happened to them in their past that are so unimaginable, it’s a miracle that they are still with us today. Yet at the same time, I’m subjected to become only a spectator in their life now, no longer participating in the action and losing the power to help them in the only way I could before.

Yet with someone else I know, their transformation was almost cruel and tactless…it feels like treachery. Knowing that they so willingly gave into – or even worse, consciously decided to – change into this person that they swore over and over to me that they would never would is like a dagger through the chest. Yet, I understand it. I understand it better then they do and I always have. They have given up and suffered the most worst imaginable fate I can think of. They have finally started to believe everything they heard about them. They have finally started to believe everything they were told they should be. They have finally become the person I never thought they would be and the person that I never wish to know.

Many people have at times accused me of thinking that I am better then everybody else. They always misinterpret my indifference to these accusations as an admittance of guilt; as if I felt that they were so wise to see through my ruse that I could do nothing but cower in shame. Yet every time I hear somebody accuse me of this, I simply ignore them while they talk, for they have already failed in understanding me. For years I tried to explain myself, to explain why they were wrong, to explain how far from the truth they really were. Each and every time, my explanations were futile and eventually I just stopped trying.

Many months ago, I started a list. A list of who I was. A list of who I am. But most importantly, a list of what I am. It was started in an attempt to help people better understand me, in an attempt to reach out and put to rest the belief that I intentionally hindered people’s desire to understand me. But after finishing it, I realized that it only clouded things up even more for most. People who finished reading it ended up confused, puzzled, irritated, angry…

I’ve only had one person completely understand me and he’s gone now. Does that discourage me? Not particularly. Do I seem to obstruct people in their quest to understand me? Only to those who fail from the start. I tried to help people with the list, but when I finished it, I finally understood. You either understand me or you don’t. If you don’t understand me today, you never will. You either have it, or it don’t, and it’s as simple as that. I welcome somebody to prove me wrong, but I know it won’t happen. Why?

Because I am better then you.

EDGAR IS BACK!!!

Life cannot get any better right now. First they hire Paul Molitor as their hitting coach, who only has the 6th best lifetime batting average EVER and who is a first-ballot hall of famer without a doubt. Then the Mariners have FOUR players win the Gold Glove. Try and tell me we don’t have the best defense in baseball. Exactly, you can’t. And then the Edgar news just topped it off. We are so going all the way next year for his final year and he knows it.

I did some tutoring today after classes and now I am working on that damn gallary. Piece of &^$* won’t work.

Thanks for all the commenting lately as well everybody. I love opening
my page up and knowing that I’ll have something new to read by somebody
who has visited lately. Keep it up!!! =)

Okay, the damn pictures have all been scanned, which took a while. But I’m having trouble configuring the Gallery and my internet is going in and out and in and out, which makes the task a little more difficult, so hopefully I can get them all loaded by tonight. I just need this damn internet connection to stay and I’ll be able to do it. This damn thing is worse then GreyMatter though. Plus, there are some people that I still need to get pictures of *cough* CLAY AND TOMMY *cough*. I also noticed that I don’t have a single good picture of myself, which might or might not be explained by the fact that I hate to have my picture taken. Oh well, I have a few decent ones that I can use.

In other news, my tutoring career has taken off, so I was able to pay rent AND utilities this month! Having a place to stay is always a good thing in my book. And besides that, I got nothing. Pretty busy and ultimately boring day. Tomorrow will be a blur mainly because I will be rushing through it just trying to get to Wednesday, where I will FINALLY be able to see The Matrix Revolutions. I can honestly say I have never anticipated a movie more then this one.

And what better way to close out this pointless post then with a Simpsons quote?!

Lisa: Okay, now we’re going to draw jobs from the chore hat.
Homer: Come on, bikini inspector! [takes and reads a slip] Scrub toilet? Okay, that was a practice….Practice…..Practice….Okay, here we go. Feed fish.
Bart: I’ll supervise!
Lisa: You know, the reason for the hat…
Homer: Oh, it’s a great hat. No one’s questioning the hat.
Lisa: Will you at least do the dishes?
Homer: Lisa, I’ll do the dishes when I pick it out of the chore hat, and it’s not a practice. See, there it is. But that was a practice. The system works!

Today is give someone a dollar day. I have yet to recieve any you bums.

There is nothing like waking up to some good ole’ Marshall Tucker Band in the morning.

The Cast section should be up by the end of tonight. Be on the lookout for that. Also, I sorta got my webcam working again, so I’m gonna put my cam back up. The quality is horrible, but since I literally don’t have enough money to pay rent, I can’t say that I’ll be buying a new one anytime soon.

I was just sitting here listening to the news and not really thinking about it when it occurred to me that the rash of children falling down wells has completely ended. But how is that possible? Are we making less wells? Are we putting up fences around wells? Are children just getting smarter? I don’t think it’s any of those — I think kids are still falling down wells, it’s just that we don’t give a damn anymore.

Don’t know who first penned it. Don’t know when it was first put down on paper. But I read it on a friend’s profile and I just had to put it on here.

How dear to my heart was the old-fashioned hurler
Who labored all day on the old village green.
He did not resemble the up-to-date twirler
Who pitches four innings and ducks from the scene.
The up-to-date twirler I’m not very strong for;
He has a queer habit of pulling up lame.
And that is the reason I hanker and long for
The pitcher who started and finished the game.
The old-fashioned pitcher,
The iron-armed pitcher,
The stout-herated pitcher
Who finished the game.

The Supporting Cast section should be up within a few days *hopefully* and I’m debating how/if to put up some of the things I’ve been writting lately. We’ll see…

Oh, and thanks Fellner for today. I really needed that. I appreciate it bro =)